Not Bob Nutting
@NotMrNutting
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I am not the owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates. I once hit a hole in one at a Vietnam golf course. Parody Account
Joined July 2017
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Big announcement!!! We are giving away an exclusive Jagr bobblehead to the first 15k fans on our opening day against the Orioles.
1-800-BUY-BUCS
The Penguins announced today that the shipment carrying the Jagr bobbleheads for tonight’s game has been stolen en route to Pittsburgh.
As a result, the bobbleheads will not be distributed at tonight’s game, but will be distributed at a later date.
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PNC Park Update….packets of ketchup, mustard, mayo and relish are no longer free and must be purchased. Also we have installed locks on all bathroom stalls that require .75 cents to use….we look forward to seeing you soon. 1-800-BUY-BUCS
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April 14th is candle night at PNC Park. All fans will receive a candle to light so our players will be able to see during the game. We cant afford to turn the lights on after the Ke’Bryan Hayes deal.
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Good morning....We will be melting the Bill Mazeroski statue today so we can scrap the metal to afford to pay for Felipe Vazquez to fly to the All Star Game. We cant afford him a hotel room but found a host family he can stay with.
#BUCN18
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Thank you Steelers for taking the lead in changing your stadium name…We have decided to change our stadiums name to Dollar General Field, however Spirit Halloween Field gets the rights for September and October.
1-800-BUY-BUCS
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10 year challenge...
2009 - 99 lost games
2019 - 93 lost games
We are getting better!! 1-800-BUY-BUCS
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The Steelers have called me to get my opinion on what TJ Watt new contract should be. My evaluation is a 7 year, 5 million dollar contract with a 15k signing bonus.
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Neal Huntington was just named GM of the year by his peers for putting 3 starters into the postseason (Morton, Glasnow, and Cole). Congrats Neal on this great honor!!
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We have officially left MLB and have been accepted by The WPIAL...we have been picked to finish 3rd in the conference.
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Update....we did not provide hotdog buns last night because Giant Eagle rose their prices 2 cents per bun. Unacceptable!!
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Breaking news...Jon Gruden just asked Vontaze Burfict to prom
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Special Announcement....we are issuing a Boat Advisory around PNC Park starting at 4 pm. Boats need to be aware that Chris Archer is pitching and homeruns will be hit into the river at a constant rate. Stay safe!!
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As we prepare to open PNC Park, masks will be required to enter. You cannot bring your own mask and must buy ours for $49.99 before watching a game. Your safety is our top priority. 1-800-BUY-BUCS
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Breaking news...we are removing the safety netting from PNC Park to save maintenance costs. If you get hit in the face, tough shit. Our fans don’t care about us so why should we care about them.
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Opening Day at PNC Park tomorrow!!Please remember to leave your tailgate cans out so we can collect them. Aluminum is up to .80 cents per pound!
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If you are tailgating for the Pitt game today, please leave your empty cans out so we can pick them up. Aluminum is .56 per pound and we can use the extra cash to sign free agents next year.
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Kennywood has announced a new ride for my team called the Bucco....it will spin round and round with no direction with hopes people’s wallets will fly out just like our Buisness model. Thanks Kennywood!!
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There will be some changes at PNC Park due to the Keller extension:
1. Ticket prices will go up 50%
2. If you catch a foul ball..you must pay $50 to keep it or give it back
3. Ketchup, mustard and mayo packets will be .50 cents.
4. Free t-shirt Friday will now cost $10
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Can my Twitter friends let me know if the Pirates make a trade? I am still blocked. They hate me for taking away their Health Insurance
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Sorry I have not tweeted for awhile. I have been going around Pittsburgh stealing catalytic converters to cover the potential deals we may do.
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Special Announcement....Please remember to leave your aluminum cans out after tailgating tonight at the Steelers game so we can pick them up. Aluminum is .30 cents a pound and we could really use the extra money.
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We are having a haunted hayride for the kids tonight at PNC Park...our trails will take you through our last 100 loss season..be prepared to be scared by Jeff Clement, Andy LaRoche, Ronny Cedeno, Ryan Doumit, Lastings Milledge and many others. Dont miss this event! 1-800-BUY-BUCS
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There is nothing funny I can say other than Felipe Vazquez is a piece of shit.
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We are struggling to get in contact with other GMs regarding trades. I wont let Ben use his cell phone during peak hours to save money so he has to use Morse Code to try to make trades. We are hopeful other teams get a translator to communicate with us.
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Good morning...we are asking that anyone who caught a foul ball or homerun ball at PNC Park to please bring it back and exchange it for a Kent Tekulve autograph. Baseballs are going up .50 cents and we are trying save some money to bring in the band Molly Hatchet next year
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We just traded Oneil Cruz, Jack Suwinski, and Bligh Morris to the Twins for Chris Archer and cash.
We need the cash to pay for the goddamn Elmos on Sesame Street Day.
1-800-BUY-BUCS
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Unfortunately we are not letting Skenes and Reynolds play in the All Star game. MLB will not let us put “Sheetz” on their uniform. We needed the Sponsorship dollars to pay for their travel costs. Sorry.
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Breaking news…we just traded Jared Jones in the 3rd inning because his next contract is going to be ridiculous. We received Austin Hedges in return
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Ok….our 1st batch of FA offers:
Ohtani - 7 years 10 million dollars
Bellinger - 5 years 6 million dollars
Blake Snell - 4 years 3.75 millions
We feel really good about these offers. If they fall through we are going to sign Corey Dickerson on Minor League deal.
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Sure sex is great but have you ever watched the replay of Johnny Cueto dropping the ball then Russell Martin hitting a big bomb to send PNC Park into a frenzy.
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I am so proud of my team being in last place....now we have an excuse for trading away our high salary players. It feels like Christmas morning!!!
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Good Morning...tonight is Vape night at PNC Park. First 1,000 fans get a new vape pen and fans are encouraged to blow big puffs of smoke during the game to show how cool you are.
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In celebration of losing our 100th game..we are adding an extra 2 firework nights and only raising ticket prices by 5% next year. Next year is the year for us!
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We are happy to announce our crappy all decade team:
1B Jeff Clement
2B Aki Iwamura
SS Ronny Cedeno
3B Andy LaRoche
OF Lastings Milledge
OF Alex Presley
OF Andrew Lambo
Utility Jason Rodgers
P J. Locke
P J. McDonald
P Vance Worley
P Daniel Moskos
Congrats on this honor!
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Sorry but we had to forfeit todays game with the Marlins. With gas prices so high, we rented a horse and carriage to get our equipment to Miami but a wagon wheel broke off and we will not get there in time. Hopefully we can play tomorrow.
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I love my life!!
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This is me jumping into the River at PNC Park after someone throws in a quarter for good luck.
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Seems like the league has figured out Skenes so we will be sellers now. We did not budget for the postseason anyway and I had no idea how we would have covered the travel costs and the cost to put the playoff patch on our uniforms.
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It’s our Home Opener!
1. Please leave all your cans from tailgating so we can recycle them. We can pay the water bill due to all the bathrooms being used again.
2. We will be handing out candles at the gate. We do not want to turn the lights on due to high electric rates.
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We almost traded for Aaron Judge last night but they wanted us to pay for the player physicals/medical records so we declined. Our insurance Company said the physicals were out-of-network and they would have been too expensive.
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F**k Governor Wolf...we are reopening PNC Park tomorrow and showing Porn on the Jumbotron, lighting off fireworks and having greyhounds race around PNC Park for fans to bet on.
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I asked Neal last night if he wanted to come back and play in Pittsburgh for the league minimum. He told me to eat a dick
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We have been very active in Free Agency already. We just offered Stephen Strasburg a 5 year/5 million dollar contract. Our fingers are crossed he signs the deal.
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Sorry I have not tweeted for awhile. I cut off my internet and phone service to save money after the Reynolds deal. This is the first time I could make it to the Public Library to tweet.
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At least my organization is not a mess like the Steelers. That is why I refuse to sign big superstars with big egos.
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We just traded the entire team for cash so I can buy Mega Million tickets for a chance to become even more of a billionaire.
We are holding tryouts at PNC park for our new team. Must be under 40 and under 300 pounds to try out.
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We just rejected the Angles offer of Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani for Austin Hedges and Rich Hill. They wanted us to pay their remaining salaries and it was a deal breaker.
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So what....Andrew McCutchen wanted to retire a Pirate but we told him to eat a dick.
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We are looking for a new Twitter Director...my own team blocked me
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I can’t believe Gerrit Cole rejected our 5 year/10 million dollar contract offer to sign with the Yankees. At least we signed Hector Noesi to ease the pain.
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Official Statement...I am firing Neal Huntington today because he can f**k up a 2 car parade and we had to watch Chris Archer pitch every 5 days last year. Sean Rodriguez is the leading candidate to take his place.
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On why we stood firm today at the deadline...we are only 2 Starting Pitchers, 5 relievers, 3 position players and 1 catcher away from going to the World Series.
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Good Morning!! The AB situation is the reason we do not sign big time expensive stars. Too much drama.
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Sorry fans but Henry Davis will not make it to Pittsburgh in time to play tonight. The moped we rented him to drive to Pittsburgh broke down.
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I am so excited!! With a 60 game season we are guaranteed not to lose a 100 games.
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We have called in the Salvation Army to start ringing the bells at PNC Park because we need cash flow to fix this f**cking mess.
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I am so glad we traded Gerrit Cole...I do not want him losing World Series games for us in the future
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Piratefest is almost here!! Here is the activity list:
• Management will lie to the fans and tell them we value winning over profits.
That about sums it up. See everyone this weekend!!
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Since we have won 2 games in a row I have decided to give Clint and Neal 3 year contact extensions.
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We have evaluated our organization and need the following to avoid 100 losses next year:
4 Starting Pitchers
6 Relievers
2 Catchers
Third Baseman
Second Baseman
Right Fielder
3 Bench players
We are very close to winning the pennant!!
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Delta was going to charge us a late fee to fly to Houston because our game went long today. We are now taking the Gateway Clipper to save money. Hope we make it there by first pitch on Tuesday.
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Breaking news...we just signed AJ Burnett for 2 games to bean Josh Donaldson and Derrick Dedrick in the balls.
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I saw where Gerrit Cole had 15 strikeouts last night....what a total waste of potential....if he was still here we would want him to reach his potential by getting ground ball outs.
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For every strikeout Paul Skenes gets today we are raising ticket prices $1. Lets Go Bucs!
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We have a special pay per view event during our next homestand!! During the 7th inning stretch, Kyle Crick and Felipe Vazquez are going to fight it out while we launch fireworks and Randall Simon is the guest referee. Wow!!! 1-800-BUY-BUCS
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First 1000 fans to Tuesday’s Padres game gets to do steroids with Fernando Tatis in the dugout then drink and drive with Bob Huggins on a school bus.
1-800-BUY-BUCS
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Special Announcement! Paul Skenes will not make it today for his debut. The moped we rented him to get to Pittsburgh broke down. We have started a GoFundme account to get Paul to Pittsburgh. We have resigned Jeff Karstens to start in his place.
1-800-BUY-BUCS
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I wanted to let everyone know I am selling the team to Mark Cuban…..April Fools assholes but I did raise ticket prices 20% after our hot start.
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The CDC just stated that if you watched the Pirates during their 20 year losing streak or watched the LaRoche brothers on the field at the same time you are immune to the Coronavirus. You are welcome Pittsburgh.
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What a great morning!! Opening Day...remember if you are tailgating today, please leave your empty aluminum cans out so we can collect them to upgrade the team. Aluminum is up to .40 cents a pound.
#BUCN19
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Breaking news....Neal is close to trading Felipe Vazquez, Mitch Keller and Will Craig to the Phillies for Sean Rodriguez....he said he needs to revitalize the fan base.
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Remember Pittsburgh...Clint Hurdle will have 62 more wins than Tomlin this season after tonight. 1-800-BUY-BUCS
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We will have a special Haunted House set-up at PNC Park..video clips on the Jumbotron will show highlights of Rookie Davis, Chris Stewart, Jeff Clement, DJ Carrasco, Chris Resop, Dovydas Neverauskas, Ronny Cedeno, Tony Sanchez and many more. VERY DISTURBING..1-800-BUY-BUCS
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I have decided to sell the team to Mark Cuban and leave Pittsburgh forever.
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I am so proud of my team...we only have 37 losses with a week to go. The lowest total of losses in a season ever!
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Unfortunately we had to cut Henry Davis this morning because Rod Barajas wants to come back for a fraction of the price. Best of luck Henry.
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We are proud of you Josh...If MLB would have let Chris Archer pitch you would have won in a landslide!!
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The Dodgers spent 133 million dollars more than us and are sitting on the couch just like us. Payroll does not matter.
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After todays trade we have changed our name to the Pittsburgh Prospects. All left over Pirate gear is 50% off.
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Congrats to Bryan Reynolds! To help pay that contract fans will have to pay for the following:
$2 to ride the escalator
$3 to drink water from the fountains
$5 extra to actually sit down in your seat. You will need to stand if not
$5 for ketchup, mustard, mayo and jalapeños
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Special Announcement...Don’t Drive Drunk...we have hired Jung Ho Kang and Paul Alexander to give people ride homes after partying. Just call 1-800-BUY-BUCS to schedule your ride tonight!!
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I am so happy this morning because there will be a lot of salary dumping the next 3 days!! I really need the extra money to purchase a new snow making machine for Seven Springs and renew my Hustler subscription.
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Impprtant Announcement...we have added a $10 ATM fee at PNC Park to help pay for baseballs. Thanks!!
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I will be filing for Chapter 13 Bankruptcy this afternoon
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Good morning...we are having a Pirate legend car wash on our day off. Proceeds go to hotdog buns. Legends will include:
Pokey Reese
Jeromy Burnitz
Armando Rios
Ryan Church
Adam LaRoche
Randall Simon
Pedro Ciriaco
John Van Benschoten
Alex Presley
Evan Meek
And many more...
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Instead of stealing signs for our team to win ...I am more interested in stealing credit card numbers for extra revenue. We are working on a plan.
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Good Morning...we have decided to play this upcoming season without a catcher. We pitch to contact so we will not need one and we can save salary for more financial flexibility.
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I fired everyone and demanded a fresh start and my team still blocks me. WTF
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Good morning...we will be melting the statues of Wagner, Clemente, Stargell, and Maz today and scraping the metal to help us get to Bradenton...we will be putting up cardboard statues of Jose Tabata, John Van Benschoten, Brad Eldred, and GI Jones to take their place
#BUCN18
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If you are at the game tonight please turn in your used ticket stubs so we can use them again tomorrow to save printing costs. We will just change the date on the ticket with a permanent marker. Thank you!!
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A sincere thank you for the 500 fans that showed up last night!! Your support is very much appreciated Pittsburgh!!
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I kneeled yesterday during the anthem but it is not what you think....I saw a quarter on the ground and had to pick it up
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Breaking news....Clint Hurdle has been placed on 3 day bereavement leave for the loss of Sean Rodriguez. Clint is in our thoughts and prayers.
#SUCN18
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Just wanted to let everyone know that we feel sorry for Antonio Brown
@AB84
and have hired him as a Peirogi since he cannot get a job anywhere that will let him smoke crack.....Twitter world...please comment on a good name for our New AB Peirogi...Go...
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Big change……It will now cost $1 to use any restroom facility in PNC Park for the upcoming season…however we are replacing Free T-Shirts with free restroom uses on Fridays.
If you cant afford the $1 we have set-up pipes to piss into the Allegheny River
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Since we are only allowed to have 7,500 fans at PNC Park this season, tickets are now $700. 1-800-BUY-BUCS
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I am tired today...I spent all day in Bradenton buying up all the water so I can sell it for $30 a case when the storm passes. Need to supplement my income due to lack of attendance at PNC Park.
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