Nein.
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A Compendium of Utopian Negation. Editor: Eric Jarosinski, Failed Intellectual (Emeritus).
New York, NY.
Joined January 2012
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If you need me, I’ll be managing my expectations.
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In German, "war" is past tense. It'd be nice to keep it that way.
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"Tja" is German for "We're all going to die. All of us. Eventually. We're all going to die. Seriously."
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Ask not what your country can do for you. You don’t want to know.
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The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. Bartender: What will it have been?
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We regret to inform you that Twitter has deleted your fake followers. If it’s any consolation, your fake leaders remain all too real.
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Meanwhile in 19th-century German art: “The Irritating Gentleman.”
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Dystopia. I expected it to be oppressive, cruel, and ruthless. But I admit that I never thought it would be quite this tacky.
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The owls regret to inform you that they are not cute.
They are wise.
Wise enough to be cute.
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Don’t make me recycle this tweet.
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In loving memory of my mom. A grade school teacher, a church organist, a friend. We were all so proud of her. She will be greatly missed.
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In other news: democracies coming to a quiet end. Slowly. Surely. And, yes, democratically.
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I suggest reading something you don’t fully understand. Every now and then. Just so that life makes a little sense again.
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Thank you for calling Jared Kushner.
For English, press 1.
For Spanish, 2.
For Russian, hang up, delete everything, and meet me in the park.
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We regret to inform you that Twitter is losing its bird. But don’t worry. It will still be a cage.
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Marx, Freud, and Nietzsche wake up Easter morning and find nothing in their baskets. Marx: Just what I expected. Freud: Just what I feared. Nietzsche: Just what I always wanted.
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The good news: the year is ending. The bad news: I’m told there’ll be another.
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Grammar, syntax, and cynicism walk into a bar. Bartender: what wouldn’t it be?
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The good news: it's spring. The bad news: we can no longer attribute our depression to winter.
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No need to worry about the future. There’s less of it every day.
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Don’t worry. There’s always enough disappointment for everyone.
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My dangerously unstable leader is more dangerously unstable than your dangerously unstable leader.
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Well, friends, as they say: Soccer is a simple game. 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes. And at the end: we all grow old and die alone.
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Insult the president of Turkey, you're in trouble. Insult people's intelligence, you're the president of Turkey.
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Worry, if you must, about the future. But you can take comfort in knowing there’s less of it every day.
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Truly. I'll never understand God's interest in American politics.
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Sorry. You caught me at an unusual time in our country’s history.
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Let’s be honest: We should have started panicking decades ago.
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Marx, Freud, and Nietzsche watch a White House press briefing. Marx: Classic capitalism. Freud: Classic Narcissism. Nietzsche: Classic bullshit.
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Sorry, sir. This is not a democracy. It is a painting of a democracy.
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Marx, Nietzsche, and Freud get on an empty subway car. Marx: It’s a strike. Nietzsche: It’s nothing. Freud: It’s your mother.
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Nietzsche, Freud, and Marx go to the park, notice people walking six feet apart. Nietzsche: They’ve found solitude. Freud: They’ve found themselves. Marx: They’ve just lost their chains.
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The week is ending. But we regret to inform you that everything else is probably not.
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A gentle reminder from the economists that money can’t buy you happiness. But happiness can’t buy you anything.
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A gentle reminder from capitalism: there is no need for panic. Only demand.
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Just so you know, rest of the world: the United States will be drunk and setting off explosives from now until, say, Wednesday morning.
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A gentle reminder about the enemy of the people. It’s usually the people.
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We regret to inform you. There is no shortage of doctors of philosophy.
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No, they haven't been hiding their money. They've been hiding ours. By calling it theirs.
#panamapapers
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A gentle reminder that as bad as things are, it’s not too late. That was decades ago.
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Sorry, four horsemen. Due to recent restrictions, only one per apocalypse.
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I once knew an optimist. Drowned in a glass half full of water.
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Yes, future civilizations will say, “Christmas.” It celebrated the birth of Baby Yoda.
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The coldest days. The darkest nights. The most wonderful time of the year.
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The more Russian literature you read, I’m told, the less German philosophy you care to understand.
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We regret to inform you that there are still some good people in this miserable world. But I suspect they'll leave once the booze runs out.
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Say what you will about February. But it’s the one month that knows when it’s time to go.
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Please, friends. Look on the bright side. And observe how dark it's getting.
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Too old for Berlin. Too offline for Twitter. Too unemployable for LinkedIn.
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