Did you know that according to Rule #1 of our rule book, Ole Miss is not allowed to score at all? That’s right! Any attempt of theirs to enter the endzone will result in the disbandment of their football program entirely. We thank you for your consideration.

We understand everyone’s frustrations and concerns about our calls during the Illinois vs. Michigan game. Rest assured, however, we made all the right calls. Anyone who criticizes us will receive a 5-yard penalty and the second offense will result in an ejection from the game.

We sincerely apologize to Ole Miss for appearing to act “biased” towards Alabama and Arkansas during the Rebels’ last two games. As consolation, we will be even more biased during Thursday night’s Egg Bowl. Rebel fans can expect Ole Miss to receive every penalty in the book.