Myka Fox
@MykaFox
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i’m just millennial, standing in front of my 17th rented apartment, begging you to crash the housing market
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got in the uber last night and the first thing he says is, “how are you going to miss trump he’s gigantic and orange. they shot tupac at night .”
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if another country had this many mass shootings you would be too afraid to travel there and protest their citizens from immigrating here
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So he understands covid now that hes going through it? Can’t wait till he understands the prison system
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stop telling women to practice abstinence like men aren't the ones raping people after they hear the word no.
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Sorry. Not beautiful. And no amount of authoritarian tolerance is going to change that.
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this is what happens when decisions about rape victims are made by the rapists
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loving these powerful women just passing Pete Davidson around like chapstick at the pool
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Omg everyone calm down about RGB, we won’t even need abortions once we’re all done getting our mandatory hysterectomies
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twitter is where I go to see comedians who are more successful than me make jokes everyone else made five years ago
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Apparently my boyfriend follows over 300 big tiddied instagram models that he “knew from high school.”
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Old-timey race track announcer voice:
Crazy Bernie takes the lead in the Democrat Primaries, but it is looking more and more like the Dems will never allow him to win! Will Sleepy Joe be able to stumble across the finish line?
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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are your crystals “healing” or are you just a rich person near a beach
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For years I’ve been hate-following a stranger on Instagram because she was an obnoxious bride and this month she got a divorce. I did it!
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“Vaccinated and unvaccinated should stand together.”
Um no you go stand over there
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what do you mean you don’t understand hot girls end up with fugly dudes they conditioned us for it when they let cory get topanga
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The 7pm applause for essential workers is sheer American narcissism. The essential workers don't hear you, they're AT WORK. Let's be honest: you're applauding yourself for applauding
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It kills me when men complain about a female comedian not being funny. If you were a real man you wouldn't be listening to a woman at all.
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If there are any women afraid to do their own handyman work because they think they'll fuck it up, my boyfriend just drilled twenty holes in our wall hanging a picture
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Before you tell a comedian what they’re allowed to talk about, remember that comedians travel the world meeting different people, learning different cultures, and are paid to speak professionally, and you’re a dude with four friends named Dale.
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RT if you're an intellectual snob who knows who Frederick Douglass is.
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this titanic thing is getting me so excited for elons trip to mars
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21yo at my show told me she started smoking weed during the “first pandemic.”
Wait when? You mean 1918?
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yo everyone offended about the titanic sub jokes: sorry we ruined twitters notoriously healthy discourse
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norm will be survived by millions of women whose boyfriends made them watch “one more clip” fifty times last night
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I don’t know how I can be expected to do anything when there are billionaires
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Mulaney’s getting a divorce, we are moments before he’s dating Pete Davidson
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So excited NY legalized weed just in time for me to smoke it in public for the last 15 years
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Man or woman, not one person who signed these abortion bills could get pregnant right now
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If a man rapes a bunch of women and doesn't get away with it, was he ever really a comedian
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it’s hard to believe that after jared a sub could have even worse PR
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being alive in america right now is hilarious we are watching an entire country get kicked out of first class
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I had a lottery fantasy last night where me and my boyfriend won millions of dollars and we both got to go to the doctor
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Tomorrow will be 30 days sober. I thought sobriety would keep me from saying stupid shit, but instead it just keeps me from forgetting the stupid shit I say.
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We’re about to hit a point where you’re more likely to be forgiven for a $50k student loan than you are for an old tweet
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People in cities vote Democrat because they have to interact with the other humans affected by their decisions every day
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The guy who blurs the naked body parts on My 600lb Life has got to be guessing
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An app that shows men what their female equivalent is based on attractiveness
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comedy is so much harder than drama, everyone thinks a dying dog is sad, but only a few people think it's funny
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So cute when hipsters try to sell me on their personalities. I work in marketing, I sold it to you. Enjoy your succulent.
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If Trump get elected I’m gonna fuck the first MAGA bro I see and the second he nuts inside me I’ll whisper in his ear “now we have to keep it.”
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If you’re visiting NYC this year, you simply MUST stand too close to me for no reason
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if onlyfans saves even one girl from going to an open mic, it will have all been worth it
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Everyone tries to buy the comedian a drink. You want to set yourself apart buy them health insurance
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Wait let me get this straight, girls can’t perform a dance routine in a movie but boys can fuck a pie??
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only follow me if you are:
VACCINATED
and
BELIEVE THE SCIENCE
and
JERKING OFF TO THE GRINCH
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We gotta stop turning on each other and start turning each other on
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Who the fuck are these debates for, people just waking up from a four year coma?
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People think women make up sexual assault stories about men, when really we only tell the most flagrant ones. If we shared every story we'd never get anything done.
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Blocked my mom on Twitter years ago so Happy Mother’s Day to whatever fake account she created to stalk me!!!!
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I honestly can’t imagine something more embarrassing than having a wedding
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Texas law says you have to look at a sonogram before you can get an abortion. I guess they want you to see it and be like, “yeah it looks just like my rapist.”
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Six weeks is not a long enough time to get an abortion. Fuck a man for six weeks and see what happens when you try to call him your boyfriend
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Suck a mans dick, he cums for a day. Teach a man to suck his own dick.
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omg stop comparing Trumps presidency to a dumpster fire, dumpster fires are contained
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Prove you really think people should pull themselves up by their bootstraps by leaving your children out of your will.
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I’m getting a nose job. A lot of people think that’s shallow but it’s deeper than that. I identify as a hot person and I just want to be on the outside how I feel on the inside. I’m not shallow, I’m transitioning.
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this alpha male worship by other men is gayer than the equinox sauna
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Here’s the funniest thing about the Shane Gillis thing:
Without looking it up, name the woman they hired
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If my judgement is supposed to be so much better when I'm sober, then how come sober me let me get this drunk?
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how the fuck can Britney have bipolar and be imprisoned under a conservatorship while Kanye can have it and can run for prez?
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this reads like a warning
Comedian Chris D'Elia is coming to the Saenger Theatre on Sunday, February 5th! Tickets go on sale this Thursday. October 13th at Noon!
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My strongest memory of 9/11 was when I was being born out of my moms pussy and the first thing I saw was the second tower going down and I was like ok so its going to be like that
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the fact that I haven’t gotten covid yet when everyone else around me has is proof you cant get it on cocaine
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merry christmas to everyone pretending they don’t feel covid symptoms coming on
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Nationalism was created to make poor people think other countries were the enemy instead of the wealthy class but go ahead and fly the flag from your double wide
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seriously pissed about this covid resurgence I cannot take another round of these same fucking jokes
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can't believe rittenhouse got away with murder without having to rush 2000 yds in a single season
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people with adhd claiming to be the most upset about war… like wtf can’t you make about yourselves
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Omg I just realized men are so confident because most of them have never fucked someone more successful than them
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Why lie to get into college when you can just lie that you went to college????
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For some reason men hate it when female comedians tweet about their boyfriends and I’m gonna figure out why as soon as I’m done getting railed
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Can everyone who doesn’t want the vaccine just all move to one state? I’ll pick at random Florida
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I'm gonna start stealing jokes FROM Saturday Night Live. Two can play at this game.
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Now that Bernie is out, I can't help but be soothed knowing that right now my dem socialist ex-bf who was a major fucking wank is probably punching a hole in his wall that his weak ass cant fix.
#BernieDropOut
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This election coverage is brutal. Its like trying to watch someone tell the weather all day. “Its 59 degrees right now but that could all change, earlier today it was 63. Here’s a map of a cloud.”
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@ProfessorDoye
This response has gotten more likes than my most successful tweet
Sent from a boat
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Jesus was hot. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for being crackers.
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My therapist apologized for laughing at me tonight and I was like don’t be sorry at least one of us is good at our job
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Literally all they had to do was just change their name to Burger Queen for the day 🤦🏼♀️
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No offense to SNL but there is nothing more interesting on the planet right now than refreshing your feed to see if it’s happened yet
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Tomorrow would be more exciting if the people who voted for him also left
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Someone in a comments section of a podcast called me an ugly dishrag which he meant as an insult but it's like why would you hate on the only thing that lets you cum in it?
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Don’t forget how this abortion ban affects me, a person who hates sitting near children at restaurants
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my boyfriend is a good midwestern boy who says please and thank you and f****t and r****d
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OMG Jagged Little Pill is a musical on Broadway now. Can't wait to go down on someone in that theater.
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I’m just staring at my cat like damn bitch you do this every day?
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my therapist told me I needed to quit drinking. i’m like why don’t you fix the shit that makes me want to drink first? quit trying to not do your job
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