Crazy Bernie takes the lead in the Democrat Primaries, but it is looking more and more like the Dems will never allow him to win! Will Sleepy Joe be able to stumble across the finish line?
The 7pm applause for essential workers is sheer American narcissism. The essential workers don't hear you, they're AT WORK. Let's be honest: you're applauding yourself for applauding
If there are any women afraid to do their own handyman work because they think they'll fuck it up, my boyfriend just drilled twenty holes in our wall hanging a picture
Before you tell a comedian what they’re allowed to talk about, remember that comedians travel the world meeting different people, learning different cultures, and are paid to speak professionally, and you’re a dude with four friends named Dale.
Tomorrow will be 30 days sober. I thought sobriety would keep me from saying stupid shit, but instead it just keeps me from forgetting the stupid shit I say.
People think women make up sexual assault stories about men, when really we only tell the most flagrant ones. If we shared every story we'd never get anything done.
Texas law says you have to look at a sonogram before you can get an abortion. I guess they want you to see it and be like, “yeah it looks just like my rapist.”
I’m getting a nose job. A lot of people think that’s shallow but it’s deeper than that. I identify as a hot person and I just want to be on the outside how I feel on the inside. I’m not shallow, I’m transitioning.
My strongest memory of 9/11 was when I was being born out of my moms pussy and the first thing I saw was the second tower going down and I was like ok so its going to be like that
Nationalism was created to make poor people think other countries were the enemy instead of the wealthy class but go ahead and fly the flag from your double wide
Now that Bernie is out, I can't help but be soothed knowing that right now my dem socialist ex-bf who was a major fucking wank is probably punching a hole in his wall that his weak ass cant fix.
#BernieDropOut
This election coverage is brutal. Its like trying to watch someone tell the weather all day. “Its 59 degrees right now but that could all change, earlier today it was 63. Here’s a map of a cloud.”
Someone in a comments section of a podcast called me an ugly dishrag which he meant as an insult but it's like why would you hate on the only thing that lets you cum in it?