Mwang!
@Mwass_
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half human, a third bad at fractions. as seen in the movie about a guy lying about being in a movie. Writing. Talking @micchequepod
Nairobi, Kenya
Joined April 2011
RT if you're a youth and your phone does not have tentacles.
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I know Dave Chappelle is already writing Azealia Banks material for his next special. “She said I cheated on my wife. I was furious. Everyone asked me ‘Dave, is it true? Did you do it?’ And I was gonna deny it. But she also said I have good dick. Fellas, it’s a tough one. ” 😂.
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“Are my strokes as good as my jokes? You decide. Because I’m not gonna say I didn’t do it. However, that doesn’t mean that I did. What I know without an ounce of doubt deep down is that if I was to ever fuck a washed up rapper from New York, it would definitely be Ja Rule.” 😂.
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“My manager called and told me I needed to make a statement. I said NIGGA, I ALREADY DID! And people ask me, ‘Dave, what did your wife say?’ and I laugh. My wife looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘I know that’s not true because I’ve fucked you. And you’re not that good.” 😂.
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Saa hii ukitaka kuomoka and retire early just sell curtains to Khaligraph.
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I am not Dave’s burner account. Although if I was, this is exactly what I’d tweet 😂
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Wacha niulize landlord kama December naweza lipa rent ya bafu pekee ju itakuwa kuingia, kuoga, kutoka.
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Suits could never write an episode like the one we’ve witnessed today. Even Boston legal 😂.
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Amesema “Let me tell you” mara ishirini but hasn’t told us anything.
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I’d pay actual money to listen to all the restrained thoughts in the three interviewers’ minds right now 😂.
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The first time we installed wifi at the house, I told my dad to switch off his mobile data because he wouldn't need it anymore. 1/2.
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Trevor Noah said Dave Chappelle once told him he had him open for him not because he was funny but because he’s interesting and it really changed his view on comedy. It’s one thing to make a crowd laugh but a whole different ballgame to make them engrossed in your narration.
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Big pharma is now using influencers to push high blood pressure meds.
Find yourself a murima babe.
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“Were you there?” right after talking about CCTV footage is some level of upuzi sijaiskia maisha yangu yote mimi. Wah!.
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Mzae: Internet imeisha tena.Me: Sawa, I’ll sort it, let me look for money. Mzae: Na hii mambo ya economy isifanye ushtuke kupata katoto. Wewe zaa mambo itanyooka. Me: Wacha kwanza I sort the internet ingine baadaye. Mzae: Usichelewe na mambo ya mtoto. Ya internet tutangoja. 😂.
The first time we installed wifi at the house, I told my dad to switch off his mobile data because he wouldn't need it anymore. 1/2.
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Nimeamka bila Audi SQ5 lakini Mungu ni nani, mukimo iko kwa fridge bado haijaharibika 🙌🏽.
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Unakuja immigration kutoka majuu na mtoto wa miezi sita receptionist anaanza kucheza “A milli” ya Lil Wayne 😭.
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“Weka mia tano” at the petrol station is beginning to sound like “kata ya 60” kwa butchery 😭.
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My dad has been renovating the house in shagz so today we drove down to Muranga to see it and wueh, kikuyu landlord allegations are never being beaten. 3 different vibrant colours on exterior alone 😂😂😂.
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Unaona a unit from the apartments you stay at on TikTok listed as 15 minutes from JKIA and 5 minutes from CBD inabaki utoke njee uone kama mlihama na hujui 😂.
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The new iPhone camera is designed to have immense clarity - something you will never achieve with your sneaky link.
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Voting yes and writing an apology for very wrong opinions is hilarious. Especially after calling yourself a digital/photo expert. Maybe he’s a comedian after all. Is it KJ or JK?.
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Karibu nisahau kutoa earrings before kwenda home. Ingekuwa sinema 😂😂😂.
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“Unafaa kuwa na katoto unalea kama hizo rasta zako” was my favorite Christmas bar from famo 😂.
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Everyone’s eyes are on Bomas but mine would rather be on your bomb ass.
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BREAKING: South African rapper Nasty C allegedly hospitalized following long term back pain as he carried the SA hip hop scene alone while other rappers sang amapiano. Prayers up! 🙏
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Polycarp Igathe’s first day at work is usually him busy applying for the next job.
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You guys, I told this butcher “no bones and no fat” and this nigga DELIVERED!!!!
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My dad called me, sent some chumz for the birthday and later texted me. I think the message is very clear 😂😂😂
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Calling my dad to wish him a happy birthday alafu anaanza kuniuliza mortgage ntachukua lini na mambo ya familia nimefika wapi. 20 minute phone call na 18 ni financial advise na how to choose a good wife 😂.
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I didn’t even know our government is into fitness and adventure but every day a hike???.
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Museveni attending inaugurations the same way I’ve been attending ruracios 😂.
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Watu wa authentic home made spices tukuwe serious please. Sasa headboard ya kitanda inafanya nini ndani ya pilau?
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Mnavurutanga anal beads pole pole ama kama mtu anawasha generator?.
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I’m a freelancer or as my dad calls it “Anafanya tuvibarua akingojea kupata kazi”.
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“Mimi na mum tunarudi Kenya baby. Wewe endelea maisha huku, sawa? Ukipata 1.2 million number yetu ni ile ile unaweza tuJoin.”
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Or the time my mum went to buy us a Playstation 2 akaambiwa bei ni 14 and she placed two crisp 1000 bob notes on the counter akidhani ni 1400. Tuliambiwa hiyo mchezo tuko nayo imetosha 😂😂😂.
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The only right thing to do here is create an incision in the ndao and do a samosa transplant for maximum enjoyment.
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November salary breakdown. Snacks - 33%.Alcohol - 33%.Massage - 33%.Security - 1%. Rent - huster fund.
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White people at Nyege are wondering why there’s concerns with the showering situation and it’s just 4 days 😂.
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I find it so cute that my dad still wears my mum's wedding band on top of his over a decade later after she passed on. These are family moments worth cherishing ❤️
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After 3 tequila shots and you feel the minji waru going up your throat
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1.2 Million bob to register a child born outside Kenya??? Bibi akiingia labour mkiwa Uganda unaambia ambulance ipite hosi azalie tu Busia
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12 year old me when I find one bhajia in my fries.
How did I get this lucky !?🥹.
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Replace ID alafu uishi hapo wameandika ‘Place of issue’.
Ni ID nitareplace ama ni rent nitalipa?.
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Mimi na mtu ako na Cayenne hakuna tofauti, ni vile yake anaendesha na yangu natumia kupika mayai.
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Nimelala 8+ hours straight, naskia niko na nguvu ya kusimamamisha corruption Africa mzima.
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There’s a guy on TikTok who’s doing “pranks” asking nduthi guys to help him dispose a body for ksh 10K and most of the riders are cooperating, negotiating or even suggesting that they’ve done this before 😕.
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HR anakuuliza mbona uko in low moods leo na huwezi mwambia unaumwa na kichwa ju ya makende ya mtu mwingine 😂.
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As long as it doesn’t rebrand into a work day they can keep on doing what they’re doing.
How many rebrands has this holiday had pls ✋🏽.
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The fact that we have a ministry for energy and petroleum is weird. That’s like having a ministry for potatoes AND fries.
Energy CS Keter and Petroleum CS Munyes snub Senate summons to respond to fuel price hike
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Me in the ceiling at Museum when I hear “Nairobi, put your hand together for Dave Chappelle!!!” 😂
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Can’t wait to be able to afford therapy so I can vent to a professional. At least they won’t respond with “Wah! Saa utaDo?” 😂.
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Kenyan drivers will still be like “Naona umeniwekea silent mode kwani hupendi story?” 😂.
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Siku hizi uko na 10k MPESA alafu ukiBuy units, mkate na nyanya tatu ushaingia fuliza 😭.
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Larry getting a raise then moving to a country with a lower cost of living
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“Wacha nikupatie number yake mbishane” is KOT hall of fame worthy 😂.
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Her: Umerudi?. Me: I'm back. Kama mgongo. H: -_-. M: Buck* kama dollar?. H: grow up. M: Bark. H: If you say kama mti ntakuua. M: Kama mbwa.
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Mafuta ikipanda tena itabidi hii gari nimetoboa shimo chini nikimbie kama flinstones 😂.
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Hapa Kiamaiko nikinununa ngozi ya drum nikuje tuimbe 😍.
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Nimepatana na ule cab guy hataki nonsense 😂😂 😂. “Habari boss. Tunaenda K1.”. “Nimeona kwa map.”. “Kuna jam?”. “Tutaona tukifika kwa bara bara”. “Sawa. Itachukua how long kufika?”. “Ile masaa imesema kwa app.”.
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Imagine being in a war and realizing the gun you have was made in Ruiru?.
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Announcer: Ruto atapata mizinga ishirini na moja kutoka kwa jeshi. Uhunye:
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Mans is doing speeches about using AI to distribute fertilizer to farmers in Kenya when he’s clearly shown us that the fertilizer back home is just as artificial as his intelligence.
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