Jennifer Parker
@Mrs_JParker
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Following
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Making two tiny humans laugh one fart joke at a time.
Probably Getting A Snack, USA
Joined September 2010
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Pinned Tweet
My 5yo was bragging to his brother about how he does the highest flips on the trampoline. I’m not sure where he gets his need to be better than other people, but he’s mistaken because I’m the highest flipper.
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“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
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Mom, how old were you when the Titanic sank?
— my 6yo, removing himself from my will
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Not to brag, but I finished an entire 3-pack of chapstick without losing a single one.
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Glad we spent $25 on the holiday light drive-thru so my 5yo could complain the entire time about the lack of werewolves.
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i’M gOiNg tO bEd eArLy ToNiGhT
— me lying to my own damn face every night
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Is there anything more unsatisfying than getting stuck in traffic for 30 minutes only to never see what caused the traffic?
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My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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Yesterday my 5yo told my husband he never wanted to eat yogurt ever again. And my husband just believed him like some kind of rookie.
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Listen, idk how it works but my bed becomes infinitely more comfortable from the hours of 5:30 am to 8:00 pm.
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Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
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“Because it’s stupid and I don’t want to” feels like a perfectly good reason to skip a meeting.
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Just killed a wasp all by myself so if you need me I’ll be busy growing chest hair and cleaning out the garage.
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Does anyone know if this Kirkland brand pinot noir from Costco pairs well with Taco Bell?
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When you compliment a woman’s outfit and she proudly points out it has pockets, it’s because she still can’t believe women are allowed such a luxury.
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The older I get, the larger the percentage of my wardrobe that comes from Costco.
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My superpower is forgetting your name before you even finish telling me what it is.
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
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Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
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I’m gonna say no to everything today.
— my 5yo really setting the tone for the day
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Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
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It’s just me and my pan of leftover emotional support green bean casserole against the world.
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Gonna carve the turkey with my bare hands to show dominance over my mother-in-law.
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My husband thought rolling my 3yo’s hamburger patty into a “hotdog shape” would increase the likelihood he’d eat it.
Long story short, 3 didn’t eat the turd burger.
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Starting this Easter morning off right by pumping my kids full of sugar before taking them to Grandma’s house. Let’s see how she likes it.
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I want the audacity of a child who refuses to eat lunch and then immediately asks for a snack.
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
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Good morning to everyone except the 3yo who turned my light on at 5:30 am and loudly proclaimed he was wearing underwear.
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My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
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“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
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I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
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My New Year’s resolution is to find the strength to close all my browser tabs.
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Budgeting an extra 3 hours of my day for overthinking the subject line of the email I’m writing.
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Are you having a great day or did your kid pull a piece of brick out of the fireplace in the vacation home you’re staying in and throw it over the balcony?
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5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
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Is it Boxing Day because of all the Amazon boxes that need to be broken down? Or is it because my kids won’t stop punching each other?
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Husband: Get up and get dressed or I’m going to the park by myself.
6yo: You’re gonna hate it.
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Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
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Gonna spray my 3yo with a water bottle every time he gets near the tree.
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This morning I watched my husband do his hair in the time it took me to put in a single contact lens in case you’re wondering what gender disparity is bothering me today.
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Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
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Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
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“Can we talk about your butter spreading skills?”
— Me probably guaranteeing my husband never makes me another breakfast sandwich again
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Did something extra naughty today after my husband went to work.
I turned the thermostat up one full degree.
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So you can imagine how breakfast went this morning when there was no yogurt on his plate.
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@KatieDeal99
It’s all fun and games until you’re Googling “Is the plant my cat just ate poisonous?”
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My husband’s and my true crime documentary will probably either be called “My Day Was Harder: A Passive Aggressive Competition” or “You’re Standing in My Way Again.”
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A girl in my class always has dried boogers on her nose.
— My child throwing stones from the comfort of his glass house
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Me: I hope this kid is full of personality.
Universe: Here’s a 3yo who will karate chop an 18oz water bottle out of your hands as you’re filling it up because he “wants to do it himself.”
Me: That’s… not what I meant.
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him
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What’s it called when one minute you’re cleaning the kitchen and the next there’s a hammer in your hand? Asking for myself because there’s a hammer in my hand.
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The joy I get from throwing the gingerbread house away must be what the Grinch felt while he was pillaging Whoville.
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Me: I’m tired.
Husband: Go to bed earlier.
Me: So I can teleport to tomorrow and do this shit all over again? Absolutely not.
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My 6yo is procrastinating falling asleep by coming up with ideas to solve the world’s waste management crisis, and I think I’m just gonna let this one ride and see what he comes up with.
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“Mom, what do flamingos eat?” my 5yo asks as the narrator in the documentary he’s watching explains exactly what flamingos eat.
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This is PSA to never move the car seats. Just don’t do it. You’re not gonna like what you find down there.
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Most people assume the slowest mammal on earth is the three-toed sloth. But it’s actually my 3yo on his way to bed.
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3yo: Are you married?
Me: Yes.
3yo: Are you gonna get married again?
Me: Literally no one wants to do that twice.
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My 5yo tried starting a war by asking me why he and his brother love me but Daddy doesn’t. So anyway, my husband doesn’t know this yet, but we’re fighting.
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Not to brag or anything but my kid just gave me one hundred eighty thousand eighty hundred thousand million eighty one hundred points for correctly guessing something, sooooo… yeah.
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Successfully set up a game of Mouse Trap without throwing it in the trash, in case the Dept of Defense is looking for a new recruit.
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“Mom, when are you going to build us a tree house?”
— My 5yo with entirely too much confidence in me
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Me: [putting on jeans]
3yo: Mom, why are you jumping?
Me: It’s too early for your judgement.
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“Maybe try saying ‘please’ instead of ‘now.’” — my child with the audacity
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5yo: MOM, I’M CRASHING MY MONSTER TRUCK INTO YOUR FOOT.
Me [on a video call]: …so that’s the status of that project. Does anyone have questions?
5yo: CAN YOU FEEL MY MONSTER TRUCK, MOM?
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The power I feel when I vacuum up the little Lego pieces I told my 5yo to put away is palpable.
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Me: Goodnight, sweet dreams.
3yo: Wait, I have to recite a 600 word essay on caterpillars.
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My 3yo is trying to sound like a chicken but he just keeps saying “Buttock! Buttock!” and I don’t have the heart to correct him.
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The greatest lie ever told is that a serving of peanut butter is actually a serving.
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I folded all the laundry and put it away, but now my loveseat is questioning its purpose in life.
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
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Just explained to my 3yo what liability is and why the zoo can’t let us pet a baboon. Totally nailing this parenting thing.
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
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Helped my 5yo count to a billion* on our commute this morning.
*tapped out at 237
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Nothing angers a 3yo more than a locked bathroom door.
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My 6yo learned a new word today. And that word is pregnant. And I know this because he apparently told multiple people I was pregnant.
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An alarm clock but it was just my 3yo in my face asking what I did with his blue car.
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6yo: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
3yo: Oh yeah.
Narrator: They were in fact not thinking the same thing.
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A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
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Me: How did you sleep?
Husband: Woke up in the middle of the night. Almost snuggled with you to help me fall back asleep.
Me: Awww. But also, don’t.
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“Mom, is it almost snack time?”
— my 3yo, eating his snack
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My 5yo informed me he knows the S word and the F word. You heard that right. My sweet little guy told me he knows the words Stupid and Freaking.
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He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.
— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
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Not to brag or anything, but I can cause a tantrum just by giving my kid exactly what he asked for.
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How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
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Me, as my 5yo steals Magnatiles from my 3yo’s castle: You know if it were the other way around and he took them from you, you’d be losing your marbles right now?
5yo: I’m not even playing with marbles.
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“We will be having an Easter egg hunt in 12 mins. Please send your child, who is already at school, with 99 eggs that are pre-filled with peanut-free, tree nut-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, happiness-free snacks. Thanks!” And other completely normal emails from my kid’s daycare.
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Is it irrational? Yes.
But am I going to continue to argue with my 3yo about the impossibility of cutting water in half? Also yes.
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I love when my windows are open and I can hear someone else’s kid screaming from a few houses down. Makes me feel better about the fact that mine haven’t stopped screaming since 6 am.
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Both the best and worst parts of a 3yo are that they don’t give AF.
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
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Ahh, the sweet smell of my husband finally letting me turn the heater on.
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A clown car but it’s just my child pulling rocks out of his pocket.
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I envy people who can walk across their house without getting a sticker stuck to the bottom of their foot.
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