Mrs Nigel Farage
@MrsNigel
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Following
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Media
1,485
Statuses
9,655
Wife of The Right Hon Mr Nigel Farage (tbc) and First Lady of Brexit. Parody obvs.
Brexit-on-Sea
Joined April 2019
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Pinned Tweet
With the news that cocaine was found at Chevening, the inspiration for Truss and Kwarteng’s Mini-Budget makes a lot more sense now.
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Anti-vax but happy to inject Botulinum, a neurotoxic protein produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum which prevents the release of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine from axon endings at the neuromuscular junction, thus causing flaccid paralysis.
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I see the Scots are preparing a typically warm welcome for Boris Johnson’s visit today.
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I don’t understand all this fuss about Angela Rayner taking out a loan for cosmetic surgery. A Tory MP would have put it on expenses.
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Apparently Nadine Dorries says that The Marriage of Fellatio is her favourite opera.
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Please do correct me if I am wrong but was the sub-prime mortgage market not a key factor in causing the 2008 financial crisis?
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Carrie Johnson won’t be going for any more high-flying government positions. The interview process is just too demanding, particularly the oral examination.
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I see that Gove, Raab and Shapps have tested positive for Convenient-19.
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From 1st January 2021 any fish caught attempting to flee British waters will be shot.
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Having previously said he would "Don khaki, pick up a rifle and head for the front line", Nigel now suddenly doesn't seem so keen.
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Boris Johnson must bitterly resent giving Zac Goldsmith a peerage if the rumours are true. I hear he’s been peering at something else.
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So let me get this straight. In half of US states you cannot now terminate a pregnancy but you can shoot the baby once it’s born?
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So if the rumours are true that Carrie Johnson has run off with Zac Goldsmith, does that mean he automatically becomes Prime Minister?
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Decisions, decisions. Nigel and I are invited to Suella’s for a kitten-drowning party but also to Priti’s for some pensioner-freezing fun. Which should we choose? We’d hate to offend anyone.
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Nigel has just come home with a multi-pack of lavatory paper, a box of tea bags, a packet of biros, three staplers and a potted plant. Can anyone tell me what is going on?
#nigelfarage
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We are calling for ‘alert’ volunteers to join our VirusWatch Scheme here in Brexit-on-Sea. You will be equipped with a free pair of binoculars to help spot the virus, a net to catch it with and a bag to put it in.
#stayalert
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Venturing timidly into the servants’ quarters, Rishi Sunak watched in amazement as a receptacle containing a clear bubbling liquid emitted steam and turned itself off. Meanwhile two slices of bread in a metal box with mysterious dials slowly turned brown and rose into the air.
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Downing Street has issued a statement that there is no truth in the rumour that Carrie Symonds and Mark Francois have run away together. She simply put him in the pram by mistake.
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With the news that Nadine Dorries is to be made a Dame in Boris Johnson’s resignation honours it seems the House of Lords has finally become a pantomime.
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I find this salacious gossip about Prince William very upsetting. As his future subjects we should all be doing much more to get behind him.
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So to be clear,
@metpoliceuk
, unless you actually catch me in the act of poisoning my husband with a dodgy chicken curry I can’t be convicted and will escape any form of prosecution?
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Poor Nigel. He gave himself to Donald and now he never calls.
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Apparently Boris Johnson is struggling to choose a name for his baby daughter that he hasn’t used before.
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When asked to declare his UK property interests, Vladimir Putin was happy to confirm he owns the Houses of Parliament.
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Tell me, is this a Truckers' party or is it a work event?
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Gosh! Storm Eunice is really starting to pick up in Brexit-on-Sea. I have just seen poor little Mark Francois go flying past my window.
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I might be wrong but didn’t the Queen get an HGV licence during the war? Could she not help out now?
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The reappearance of Mark Francois and the discovery of a mutant strain of the virus. Coincidence, surely?
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The Brexit-on-Sea branch of the
@RNLI
would like to thank
@Nigel_Farage
for its most successful fundraising drive ever. Thank You Nigel!
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And now let’s raise a toast for the bride and groom. To Alexander and Carrie!
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With the Royal Navy distancing itself from Penny Mordaunt, Prince Andrew says he knows the feeling.
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Tory MP Neil Parish is reportedly devastated at having his whip removed. Still, they haven't found his handcuffs so it's not all doom and gloom.
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Oh dear. Nigel has just limped home from remonstrating with the French border control at Dover. I may need specialist help in removing the baguette as it is wedged in very deeply.
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I hear that Carrie is now referring to Boris Johnson as her “first husband”.
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So exciting! Liz Truss is visiting Brexit-on-Sea this morning, to hold a hustings at the Sunlit Uplands care home. She'll be presented with the Order of the Pork Sword, our highest civic honour, and a hamper of cheese, made locally at Bell End Farm.
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To give Michael Gove some credit, I can’t help thinking that ‘going clubbing’ with Priti Patel would involve baby seals.
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I must say, it is very helpful of Nicola Sturgeon to give us an advance preview of the news in England on such a regular basis.
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We had some farm-workers arrive in Brexit-on-Sea today, offering to pick vegetables. One chose Nigel and the other chose Mark Francois.
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I hear Carrie is horrified at the prospect of her first husband’s political demise. Having endured the “John Lewis nightmare” of Theresa May’s decor they might now be reduced to the indignity of having to buy their own groceries in (the horror of it!) Waitrose.
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Poor Nadhim Zahawi, facing the choice between heating and eating his horses this winter.
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I am sorry to announce that Brexit-on-Sea’s lovely beach has been downgraded from coveted Blue Flag status to Brown.
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So it turns out that the Government has only managed to procure half the promised number of doses because they counted the vial and the vaccine as two separate items.
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Brexit-on-Sea’s Tourism Prevention Centre is delighted to announce that the beach has been awarded a Brown Flag.
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As the weary festival-goers trudged home, a little sunburnt and with sore feet from dancing, they all agreed that “Twatfest” had been a huge success and they would definitely go again next year.
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After the embarrassment of mistakenly holding a press conference in the car park of Four Seasons landscaping, between a dildo shop and a crematorium, the Trump campaign team are spending the day at a luxury spa.
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Note to our Saudi hosts: do not have a drink from Nadine Dorries’ water bottle, however thirsty you are.
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Rishi Sunak says the best country he has ever been to on holiday is Mesopotamia. Not to be out-done, Liz Truss says she was born there.
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Getting your latest squeeze pregnant while your wife is recovering from cancer is socially intolerable, economically unsustainable and morally indefensible.
Keeping our schools closed a moment longer than is absolutely necessary is socially intolerable, economically unsustainable and morally indefensible.
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I am genuinely bemused as to why Carrie has changed her surname to Johnson. Why all the admin for such a temporary change of status?
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Boris is delighted to announce the birth of his son today. In separate news, Paternity Leave is being extended to 12 months on full pay.
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I hear Nadine Dorries isn't planning on selling Channel 4 to the highest bidder, but to the one prepared to televise her 'novels' as a thrilling series of historical dramas.
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You just know she is going to hate this picture in a few years time.
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Oh dear. I have just got to work and have forgotten my glasses. Wine glasses obvs.
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Where on earth did Suella Braverman get her law degree? The University of EBay?
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Dear
@BorisJohnson
I would very much like to “move on” but there appears to be a large pile of bodies in the way.
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Well I never! It seems Nigel has a secret admirer. Someone has sent him a box of Novichocs in a fancy box with a ribbon.
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It must have been wonderful for Carrie this morning, to wake up next to her future ex-husband.
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Boris Johnson obviously thinks he is untouchable. Carrie Johnson obviously agrees.
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Jacob Rees-Mogg has taken over as Undertaker-in-Chief at the Sunlit Uplands funeral home in Brexit-on-Sea. He claims he will do a much better job of drumming up new business than the present incumbent.
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If further proof were needed that Dominic Cummings has superhuman powers, he is able to drive 250 miles without stopping to use the lavatory, get a coffee or fill up with petrol.
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Nigel is outraged. We Brexiteers didn’t fight so long and so hard to be a free and sovereign nation to find ourselves relegated to some kind of inferior ‘third country’ status by the EU. How dare they?
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Please, everyone, can you check your sheds, garages and outbuildings for Mark Francois? We fear that in his search for food he may have become trapped. Ann has suggested using a thermal imaging camera but everyone else thinks we should just listen out for a pitiful mewing.
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Poor Michael Gove. First he was forced to agree that he drives to test his eyesight. Now he has had to ‘like’ pornography. Whatever will they make him do next to keep Cummings out of the headlines? Go dogging? Sorry, I meant jogging.
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Staff at the Home Office have arranged a fabulous leaving party for Priti Patel, with cocktails, street food and a live band. The only worry is that Priti hears about it and wants to come.
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On days like this I often think that if Nigel hadn’t been bullied at school and called ‘Frogface’ he would never have developed such a hatred of Europe and we wouldn’t be in the situation we are now in.
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As Boris Johnson’s two previous marriages have been declared invalid and his children illegitimate, in order for him to be married in a Catholic Church, Marina Wheeler is very relieved to discover that she had never actually been married to him at all.
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So exciting! Prince Andrew is presiding over the opening of a new hair and beauty salon here in little Brexit-on-Sea. I can’t wait to book my appointment at the Grooming Gang.
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Breaking news: Dominic Cummings has been spotted filling up his car.
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To the Brexit-on-Sea residents who received their fruit and vegetable box deliveries this afternoon from the UPIK Land Army, could you please check your beetroots? We can’t find Mark Francois anywhere and think he might have fallen into one of the boxes by accident.
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In this weather I am wondering if Nadhim Zahawi will be claiming expenses on air conditioning for his stables.
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Oh dear. I have just taken Nigel’s trousers to the dry cleaners where I was mortified to discover he had had not one car accident, but two.
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First Priti Patel and now Suella Braverman. What is it about migrants that seems to bring out their Inner Himmler?
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Oh dear, I am not feeling very well this morning. I hope I haven’t got that Javid-19.
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Has anybody seen Mark Francois? He’s needed at the UPIK Land Army allotments to provide the quality control benchmarks for the beetroot harvest.
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Home Sekketry Priti Patel is hopin’ Febry will be better than Janry.
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We are having a lovely time at the Remainer Reprogramming Centre. Mark Francois has just given a fascinating talk on British military history. I had no idea we won FIVE World Wars and sent the Saxons, the Romans and the Normans packing with a flea in their ear. So proud.
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With an increasingly authoritarian government and threats to control the independent press, thank goodness we don’t have runaway inflation or we’d be back to 1930’s Germany. Oh.
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It’s obvious now who has been pinching Ann’s knickers from her washing line.
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Nigel bought me a bottle of the new fragrance,
#TorySleaze
for my birthday. I’m afraid it doesn’t smell very nice. In fact there is a distinct whiff of corruption.
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Meanwhile, back in New York, the Real Melania is having a lovely time Googling photos of Barack Obama with his shirt off.
#FakeMelania
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I am delighted to announce that Therese Covfefe won first prize in the Meat Raffle in Brexit-on-Sea this afternoon.
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Nigel's PhD in Epidimiology arrived today from the University of EBay. So 'Dr Farage' will be available, for a modest appearance fee, to provide fully qualified advice and guidance on the Covid-19 pandemic and any other public health issues requiring his expert consultation
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Apparently Nigel wrote two columns for the Brexit-on-Sea Gazette, one advocating Australia’s sovereign control of its borders and the other championing the richest sports star in the world. He went with the one that would make him the most money.
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Nigel is on his way home from America. His dreams of a joint venture with Donald and the Golden Shower Casino were, in the end, a busted flush.
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Apologies for my husband’s silence at this momentous time. While Trump is playing golf, Nigel is playing mini-golf.
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Mark Francois was delighted to discover that his staff had nicknamed him 'The Colonel'. He assumed this was a tribute to his illustrious military career, but it was actually a reference to his prodigious consumption of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
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Honestly, the lengths Boris Johnson will go to in order to cover up the fact that none of his family wanted to see him at Christmas.
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I have just written to the Conservative Party to inform them that I wish to cancel my membership. I am not a member but they might give me a refund out of sheer incompetence.
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When questioned further on why Unicef 'should be ashamed of itself' for feeding hungry children in the UK, Jacob Rees-Mogg reclined to answer.
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So, Boris Johnson was wrong about one thing with regard to Matt Hancock. Her name isn’t Hopeless.
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