MrsG
@MrsGoose69
Followers
13,254
Following
934
Media
257
Statuses
33,030
I'm here to be me. So shut it and move along. Kids don't follow, somethings your parents should teach you Not me.
Centre of the Universe
Joined April 2011
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Pinned Tweet
That sexy chick you're hitting on... She's farting on the sofa and that's as dirty as it's going to get.
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Hubby: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"
Wife: "I don't want to bother you while you are at work."
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Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood.... I saw the photos - we need to talk.
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6% of men enjoy a bj for sexual satisfaction, 6% enjoy it for visual stimulation and the other 88% just enjoy it for the peace & quiet...
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My twitter crush just DM'd me a dick pic. I said I would love to see that erect. He blocked me...
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I sit for 15 minutes laughing at my own tweet. Then read it to my husband who looks at me in confusion...
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Never let someone cure your insanity. It's what makes you who you are. What is a mind without a bit of insanity? Lifeless. Boring. Dead...
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It's not that men don't understand women. Men don't understand Anyone. Not even themselves. Just give em a break n let em jizz on your face
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I don't really give a fuck what you think of me. Unless you think I'm smart, pretty, sexy, funny, awesome. Then yes, you would be correct.
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I Don't get why ppl are scared to RT. Do u want to keep your followers to yourself? Ppl have the Right to see how Funny I Am.
Cunt!
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My TwitterCrush just DM'd me. Admitting he was a she...
Meh... As long as you keep the same Avi I don't care...
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TwitterCrush's are for amateurs, they don't do much. I have a TwitterWhore. He Stars and RT's all my shit...
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Either my bra has shrunk or my boobs are planing to take over the world.
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I don't care how my husband gets his motor running. As long as he parks in the right garage.
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Starfucking. If I give u 1 u don't notice. Its like masturbating to your Avi. But if I give you 40 its like Jizz in your face. Notice me now
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I've made a sandwich. He ate it. I made another. He ate it. I made another. He ate it.
When does the sex come?
I made another sandwich...
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If I want sex I leave a sandwich and a beer next to the bed.
If he wants sex he leaves a glass of wine and his credit card.
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My husband sent me a dick pic. So I sent him a boob pic. So he sent me a boob pic. I upped the anti by sending a dick between my boobs pic.
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I used to be more pretty. I used to be more beautiful. But with age you become more delicious.
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Hubby just went for a run. I'm reading his draft folder.
I just unfollowed him...
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Going through my husbands twitter followers. I noticed some hotties that I wasn't following.
So I unfollowed them for him.
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Someone once told me how much weight they had lost just by using smaller plates.
Bought smaller plates. But this pizza doesn't fit on em.
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I always wash my vagina before bed because you never know when the neighbours might stumble into the wrong house drunk.
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I hate it when ppl don't get me or my tweets.
Shut the fuck up and pretend too...
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I am fluent in four languages.
1. English.
2. Bitch.
3. Blowjob.
4. Sex.
Ok ok not that great in English...
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Remember when we were young and we used to listen to a song and pause to write down the lyrics...Now they just google. All youthful fun gone
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My twitter account seems to unfollow ppl who don't tweet. And don't make me laugh. And are ugly. And Eggs. So you know what to do...
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A women needs to be told how beautiful she is. Even if its from a 6 year old boy.
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Sometimes you just need to shut the fuck up and give her a hug.
Then fuck her over your desk.
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What's the point of surviving if you never really get to live...
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Me: Buy you a drink?
Guy: Thanks.
Me: How you like your eggs?
Guy: What?
Me: I need to know for tomorrow morn
And that's how it's done
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A mouth filled with penis is better than a mouth filled with stupid.
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Never be afraid to show how beautiful and crazy you really are.
Even if people block you.
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I asked my 5yr old to fetch me some water from the fridge. She came back 15 min later with a glass of wine.
No you can't have her!
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Before you date a guy, give him a yoghurt Without a spoon.
You'll soon know how much tongue to finger ratio he uses.
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You know why women make the sandwich? Because men leave Fucking crumbs everywhere!!!!
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I'm apologise if my RT's bug some ppl. I just want to show you the other funny fuckers I follow. I know I know, u thought I was the only one
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Masturbation while having sex is just a temporary solution for a threesome
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I'm not divorced. I don't take drugs. I'm not unhappy. I'm not fat. Nor ugly.
Tweets are tweets. Just laugh love and enjoy.
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I asked for a grand piano for Christmas. I got a keyboard.
Now I understand why I get what I get when I ask for sex.
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That half naked Avi? Yes she's someone's daughter.
Bet her mum's hot too...
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You unfollow me. I notice. I unfollow u, you send a sad face.
We both follow.
You unfollow me and blame booze.
I tweet about u being a Cunt
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The dentist complained that I swallow to often. I told him most men don't complain about such things...
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Some people are so sweet.
I can just eat them up and shit them out.
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My husband knows my favourite super hero is Superman.
He doesn't know he lives in my sock drawer and vibrates a lot.
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Hubby: You tweeting again?
Me: No sexting.
Hubby: Oh ok let me know when he's done.
Me: He's a she.
Hubby: Send me Boobs!
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My husbands idea of gourmet cooking is cutting the sandwich into triangles
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I have allot of followers to please... they just haven't added me yet
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You hate me? Sorry. I can't say the same. I don't even know you :)
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I'm not bored. I'm not lonely. Im not afraid. I don't need your attention.
I just Love you.
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Horny people are so funny how they can just masturbate anywhere.
On another note. Did you guys know the water coolers at the gym vibrate?
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You make me blush and feel all tingly and stuff. That's why I don't share you. I love you...
My wine.
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Fuck sake if you can't pronounce my name after 3 years FUCK OFF!
Me to my 4yr old.
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My husband really wants try anal, but I just can't share my dildos...
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Twitter is not make believe! These are Real ppl. Real thoughts. Real emotion. Real pot n alcohol. Some become Real friends. I Love you cunts
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Your tweets are your thoughts. We say things that we can't sometimes say out loud. We share things. Personal things.
So yes. You do know me.
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I secretly send shivers down your spine incase you were wondering where the fuck they came from.
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I may not look it. But I Am human and I do make typo's.
Just star n RT it and shut the fuck Up...
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You used to look your age now you don't even look your species...
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I wonder If waking up tweet, shower, tweet, eat, tweet, nap, tweet, eat, tweet, drink, tweet and sleep ever made anyone rich. I'm gonna try.
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Standing here just in my socks.
So this is what its like to be a man...
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I dropped my handbag in a restaurant. My dildo rolled out. I told the table I carried the black one around so ppl didn't think I was racist.
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4yr: How long have I liked olives?
Me: Since you were 1.
4yr: Why doesn't dad like them?
Me: Women have a natural taste for salty balls
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The only bad thing about being home alone is running out of toilet paper...
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