Oliver Bateman Does the Work
@MoustacheClubUS
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PWAHOF commish: | content creator seen mainly in @ringer @unherd @splicetoday2022 | 1000+ bylines since 2007:
Washington, PA
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Pinned Tweet
I was on NPR Marketplace Morning Report talking about the creation of the storylines that run through the 1977 documentary "Pumping Iron."
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The year is 2022. The USA is up to COVID-37.
5 businesses remain open: Amazon, Walmart, UFC, Twitch, and WWE.
Fights are streamed 24/7. Some athletes now enter the ring in iron lungs.
The stock market has been replaced by a random number generator. It works just as well
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Hideki Matsui had a "goon cave" that contained 55,000 adult videos. this man could GH (goon hand) just as well as he could DH in the World Series
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Wow, Texas Lt Gov Dan Patrick went on TV and said he's 70 but willing to die for the economy. This is lit af. This the tea. This is the new angle on all this. You love to see it. Die for the stocks!
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nothing you post will ever get as many likes (293k, as of right now) as this bizarre AI image on facebook
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Instead of building houses and hotels, you “nudge” players around the board while posting incriminating videos of them on social media to teach them lessons. It’s good, actually
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the
@ringer
has gone deep on the life and times of the Iron Sheik, who died yesterday. I've got an obituary that covers his amateur and pro careers
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[HS debate finals]
debater 1: i'm not getting paid to educate you.
debater 2: maybe do the reading?
d1: gonna drop my venmo link right here in the zoom chat.
d2: grift much? saw you liked a joe rogan show tweet, chief.
[debater 2 wins. d1 is barred from all work in the US.]
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If Trump dies or is so debilitated he’s effectively out of the election, what’s left (!!!) of the media industry is headed for a major recession. Conservatively speaking , 50% of media production is Trump takes/Trump tweet analysis/etc. you can cut a lot of fat
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Most gig work now involves people paying government credits to watch each other do mundane tasks on Onlyfans. All communication occurs by podcast. Social security has given way to everyone subscribing to everyone else's patreon. Everyone lives off the all too possible whopper
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The fitness influencers have discovered phenomenology
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Matt Christman pushing the "log off" argument in a two minute rant about Aimee being the "most online person ever" is fascinating given a) no podcast or its discursive community really exists offline and b) his bread is buttered via his share of 150-200k online-only payments
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The work of size: Big Pun and Fat Joe in 1999
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if your work as a putative "class traitor" lands you an NYT feature, you are a credit to your class, not an enemy of it.
if your acts of class sabotage involve starting magazines and so forth, you're in a long and proud tradition
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“Just log off” means “you digital peasants should log off our spiritual plane and leave us, the Brahmins of this world, to do the thankless work of interpreting all the hottest takes through the lens of various premium tv shows and catchphrases and so on. Just grill.”
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The virus has mutated so many times, owing to the world's massive population and a de-emphasizing of hand washing. Partial recoveries are sent back to work, allowing the virus to recoup its strength, breeding super-bugs. Kids chase those super-bugs and post IG stories about them
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"Yes," I say, breathing deeply through my ThermoFisher silicon lungs as I step away from my keyboard in extreme fatigue, "I have had my vision."
We have discovered happiness, says the last man, and blinks.
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not to over-generalize, but after a decade of interviewing people, it usually breaks down like:
athlete/meatheaded sports figure: remembers my name, on time, might even return a call, shares the article
intellectual: calls me "orson," asks me if i'm the secretary, ghosts me
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the thing about "growing up" is realizing how quickly people go away. old coworkers? you'll never talk to them again. graduated? peace out, bros. moved? kiss those once-local pals goodbye. kids? eventually they'll leave the nest. parents? well, they're older than you, so...
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say it ain’t so, Joe…you mean to tell me someone was just stringing together in-group word salad and trading that plus some marked-up product for money and clout? Certainly not someone from the very marketing field I quite openly work in, oh no
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I, the man who writes Wrestler Obituaries...I work 365 days a year, sometimes filing two elegiac reminiscences a day. Nearly everyone from the attitude era is dead, including Vince. I clear a cool million a year in Amazon dot com "scrip." I smart-insulate my bunker
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"How much longer can this prosperity last?" I ask, taking a hit of my can of Fiji Oxygen. The numbers look grim. At this rate, everyone who has ever wrestled a match will be dead by 2025, as will the fans who remember them. I check my provisions and unholster my sidearm
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"We need real jobs, good jobs," explained the hot new social media superstar candidate. "Jobs that are the backbone of this country, like writing HBO show summaries, being an unpaid intern at a publishing house, putting a cashapp in your bio, podcasting, the work of self care..."
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when you've always been wrong about everything, and it's a feature of your work - the defining feature - and not a bug(man). love to see it.
The more I look at this election, the less I imagine I understand. Florida was a surprise Trump triumph — and also voted to increase the minimum wage to $15 1/
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the 1950s are often referred to as the "consensus" period of american history, a time when labor, capital, and the political class cut a bunch of deals to run postwar "prosperity" to failure. the 2020s are another "consensus" period, except labor is out of the equation
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Mansplaining COVID. Gaslighting COVID. The toxic masculinity of COVID. Grooming COVID. Age gap COVID. 1/50043
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just going to write 5000 words, for free, attacking some anon account on twitter. This is very normal. This is doing the work, of Politics
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things are going real well when the local politicians are pushing platforms that concern only national issues, especially issues they lack the power at the local level to implement (weak mayor, weak council, whatever). these are the best issues because they commit you to nothing
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Kudos to self distancing for reminding us most of our celebrities can barely hold a cell phone to film themselves, have ghoulish voices when not being sound edited, look 20 years older than we think they do, and are such narcissists they believe singing a show tune will redeem us
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My dad’s conspiracy theories always went the extra mile. He was a Twin Towers hoaxer- the towers never existed. He was a flat moon truther. He didn’t believe in measles or chicken pox, much less the vaccines. He denied the possibility of drunk driving
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My dad offered me many pieces of in-the-trenches advice over the years but “you cannot afford to be shy when you’re over 30, you’re half dead and the clock is ticking” is up there
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In this essay, I wrote about “contrarian hunting” on the left, and its relationship to a vanishingly small pool of available paid (or at least visible) leadership roles
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i just don't have 15,000 hours to devote to a video game anymore
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Starting around 2010-11, there was a clear transition to referring to paid writing as "content." "Creators" made "content," which in the world of algorithmic journalism meant "pieces" ("deep dives," "sceners," "trend pieces," "clickbait," and other such ugly terms).
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child labor is good and context-specific, brought to you by the bill and melinda gates foundation (seriously). you love to see this work. you love to see the takes
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@merrittk
One reason to keep generic jobs open on LinkedIn is to increase the follower count for your org page. Great social media manager hack
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@PhDhurtBrain
Based on a description of a coyote by Mark Twain, on top of that. Truly they were working on a different level back then
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I’m scaling back social media use in 2021 to focus on articles, podcasts, and a new position at work. I’m not “so tired rn” but I will be if I don’t engage in “the work of self care”
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In this piece for
@thechrisbuskirk
&
@theamgreatness
, I wrote about the satisfaction of winning a fair fight on one’s own terms and the misery of winning on various technicalities
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teen vogue: the best online publication for thirtysomething "teen" millennials. so many takes!
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When people are like "I'm buried in email" that means they have a few emails they're too lazy or anxious to open. When they say their mentions are blowing up, this means they have a few mentions and possibly someone disagreed with them
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My sneaking suspicion is that this was dropped to test the waters for the “firing workers for this is good, actually” take. And judging from the replies, I’m sure the demand is there.
Bosses use the possibility of workers losing their ability to pay for the basic necessities of life like food, shelter, and health care to force workers to do what they want. But we can’t use such threats against workers as a way to fight racism.
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The Rock, like many bald men, has entered his Foucault phase
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there are three good political positions to take:
1) legalize [thing no one opposes any longer, that is illegal only bc of legislative inertia]
2) pass [dramatic piece of legislation that can never be passed]
3) oppose [concept or idea that no one really supports anymore]
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in this essay - edited by
@Micaheadowcroft
- i wrote about the deadlift as a life-affirming activity
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Push em to the left, kids! Joe’s best debate line was him saying he whipped Bernie and “is” the Democratic Party, and Kamala cracking up when asked if she’ll govern as a leftist (she won’t; she says she will govern from her identity standpoint) is the tea.
Always winning!
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the true dream job remains the same as always: you shovel or break rocks for 8 hrs/day with an hour for lunch and when the last bell rings you're out of there like Fred Flintstone after Mr Slate yanks on that dino bird's ass feathers
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“Coronavirus? Covid 19? More like Covfefe 45, am I right? We had a vaccine for that one, and it was a nasty woman. Too bad the deplorables are all anti-vaxers!” joked the
#Resistance
comedian in the pink pussy hat & Netroots Nation shirt. No one laughed. The Starbucks was empty.
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nineteen masks, eight vaccines, and clothing made of tinfoil are the safest of all, but "ya'll" ain't ready for that conversation
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pec tear update the last: i'm mostly fine now
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Unrelated to all the twitter drama, but my refusal years earlier to use titles like “professor” and “doctor” when everyone else I worked with was doing so earned me a considerable amount of scorn, reprobation, etc.
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The work of 35 pounds of ribeye steak
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I have shaved my head again. The work of shaving one’s own head
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after decades of watching people effortlessly trash one another in chat - usually when absent, but not always - you should realize that somewhere, somehow, every single thing you do, like, etc. is open to vicious instantaneous critique. this is the lesson of being online
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the most fascinating thing abt rad-left politics was how much of it was crafted by people for whom money was no object, whose "community" consisted of gentrified urban facades that were essentially funerary palls, whose schizo policies were meant to drive twitter engagement
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it's not strange. they're all posters. you cannot take away the posts
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Do the work
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my dad and i back in 2012. last time i laid ever eyes on the man outside of a hospital bed. he died in 2014.
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@hobbsure1
Tea, but the market mechanism makes it moral! A contract is the legal tender of the sovereign anarcho-citizen!
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broke: your cousin subscribes to your onlyfans
woke: your brother subscribes to your onlyfans
bespoke: your father subscribes to your onlyfans
holy smokes: "For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the Lord"
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The log off argument is appealing on a superficial level, but the people saying it mean "log off and let us keep extracting revenue and likes from this space." Nobody is mailing in money orders or paper checks to Chapo; nobody is listening to them on FM radio.
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the singularity is now complete. blessed be the CEOs, those hierophants and oracles of the private-sector, free-market awokening. blessed be the boards of directors and the symbolic causes for which they stand. give me my solidarity with a side of fries at one low price
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[college debate finals]
debater 3: i'm literally shaking rn
debater 4: not a good look. log off maybe?
d3: this is actual violence
d4: you are personsplaining to me and people are actually dying rn
d3: no. just no
d4: silence is violence and talking is talking down to. QED
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i really like when folks in the city decide to stress their jd vance-esque "country roots" and they say they're from a "small town" and it's like a 40,000 person suburb of greenville sc
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It is important to know that Matt Ylgesias, internet writer, is ugly. An ugly man. A man who looks like a worm. This must be emphasized. He is an ugly man who writes for the internet. Hideous. Amplify this. He is the ugliest human alive. This is doing the work
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@SeanMcCarthyCom
They would kill you for 100 likes. For a recurring patreon payment of $2? I shudder to consider what they'd agree to do
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finally, some clarity on all this trump business
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In this piece for
@unherd
, I wrote about Sam Hyde's recent
@DAZNBoxing
performance and how the challenge he laid down for Hasan Piker could be his ticket back into the mainstream
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@CANCEL_SAM
All the big names are here, the most relatable people, the shiniest teeth. The woman from Wicked, which my mom calls Bewitched for some reason. Elizabeth Banks, who was only good in Wet Hot American Summer or when she is in her secret identity "Chelsea Handler." Modern family guy
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Here is the guy who likes all your posts
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"Yes, I'm the Dean of the University of Being Correct School of Medicine, and yes, I have enough time in my day to number a 600-post tweetstorm about how Trump's breathing sounds labored and could indicate his death is nigh. That's called
#resistance
. That's Doing the Work."
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I will add this though: if any movement, Left or Right, can be destroyed by an anon poster on twitter with a small following, then perhaps the ideological bookends holding these two sides of the shelf are not very sturdy. Not a good look. Maybe log off?
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The Brock Lesnar allegations are really something, too. It's a fascinating psychosexual portrait of how a billion-dollar corporation was operating. And if McMahon was operating like this in his 70s, imagine what he was like when he skirted a variety of charges in his 40s & 50s
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The work of taking a walk around the block
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“reliance on wage labor in any form is bad,” sayeth the left press magazine editor, who pays contributors so little (often nothing!) that this is hardly an issue.
Wages at these places and in the nonprofit benevolence sector are largely a dead letter bc many will work for free
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as someone who gave A grades to every single student over a five year span, let me just say: lol grades. Grades can be “grubbed” by students or can be kept low by instructors out of vindictiveness. Great subjective metric that tests the rule-following abilities of the student.
Let’s make a deal, Mr. President:
You release your college transcript, I’ll release mine, and we’ll see who was the better student.
Loser has to fund the Post Office.
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Do the Work. Organize. Save 15%
ORGANIZE: It’s what we do. And it’s also the discount code that will get you 15% off everything in our store today ➡️
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