M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™
@MonotoneofBill
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Ernie. Color is blue in Maine. Some jokes will be inaccurate. No correction is needed for they are jokes. But thanks.
Maine USA
Joined September 2011
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Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
With great power comes great utility bills.
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When the Beach Boys walk into a bar:
"Round?"
"Round!"
"Get a round?"
"I'll get a round!"
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Hooters should start a home delivery service called Knockers.
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Autocorrect’s originator died? I didn’t even know he was I’ll.
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
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The Apple Store was robbed. Police are combing the mall for iWitnesses.
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Did the person who coined the phrase “one hit wonder” ever come up with anything else?
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Buzz Aldrin married at 93?
He must have been over the moon.
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How many grammar police does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too.
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To have a murder of crows there must be probable caws.
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You have $500. Your daughter texts she needs $300. Your son texts he needs $150. How much do you have left?
$500. And 2 unread messages.
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Glasses wearers, have you worn a mask during Covid?
You may be entitled to condensation.
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"Look! A flock of cows!"
"Herd' of cows, Dad."
"Of course I've heard of cows. Look, there's a whole flock!"
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Furniture salesman said, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
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Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal.
Until the pressure got to him.
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Regarding Dominos franchises, if one store goes down will they all go down?
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Still no further updates on wife Sharon's condition from the hospital regarding her likely stroke as 6a approaches. I'm sure they'll call me soon. Thanks to those who sent a kind tweet in response yesterday. That meant a lot!
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If Stevie Wonder ever records the music of Alice Cooper he could call the album 'Wonder in Aliceland'.
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Saw a woman talking to her dog. I came home and told my cat. We had a good laugh.
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Today is finally the right day to put all your eggs in one basket.
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Two reasons why they made another Elvis movie:
1 for the money
2 for the show
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Could you explain plethora to me? That would mean a lot.
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Good name for a DNA Paternity Clinic in Indiana:
Hoosier Daddy.
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“Have you seen the cat bowl?”
“I didn’t know she could.”
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The job interviewer asked me why I had a 4 year gap in my résumé. I told her that it’s because I went to yale. She smiled and told me i’m hired!
Woo Hoo, I got a yob!
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“I’m gonna’ whack you with the neck of my guitar.”
“Is that a fret?”
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Remove a "p" from a pirate and they become quite angry.
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As my grandfather often said, “When one door closes another one opens.”
Lovely man ... terrible cabinet maker.
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Dyslexic dentists have a molar obligation to do no harm.
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Chinese restaurant take out: $38 dollars. Tip: $4 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of the order?
Riceless!
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself on a Sony TV?
HDMI
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Once dated two girls - Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was seeing both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the same day!
Guess you can’t have your Kate and Edith too ...
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If you read old magazines in bed most of the night you'll likely wake up with back issues.
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The CEO of Sherwin-Williams died of hypothermia while hiking. Rangers said he needed a second coat.
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I’m currently helping the wife find her Lindt chocolate I ate last night.
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What's the worst thing to hear during an operation?
Anything.
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Where are all the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures sold?
Aisle B, back.
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A Cleveland meteorologist won't shave 'til the Browns win a game. Hope he's ready for a look like this!
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Just put up a large canvas shelter in the yard replete with wooden dance floor, flashing lights and Bee Gees’ music blasting.
This is the winter of my disco tent.
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The fact there’s a stairway to heaven and highway to hell tells you about anticipated crowd size.
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Once somebody said, “That liquid dripping out of the maple tree over there – I want to taste that!”
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If you wait long enough to cook dinner, they'll choose cereal.
Follow me for other recipes.
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Will Buffalo (incorporated as a city in 1832) have a bisontennial in 2032?
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Me: "Saw a deer on the way to work."
Wife: "How do you know it was headed to work?"
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A genius casting director would have put Kevin Bacon in “Grease.”
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The universe is made up of protons, neurons, electrons and morons.
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HR Interviewer: “Can you perform under pressure?”
Me: “Not sure about that but I'd be willing to take a crack at 'Bohemian Rhapsody'” ...
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Bartender: "Your whiskey glass is empty. Want another one?"
John: "Why would I want two empty glasses?"
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A barbershop reopened prematurely. Police are combing the area.
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Fun With Math: If John is 67 and his girlfriend is 22, how much money does John have?
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Waiter approached the table as I finished eating and asked, “You wanna' box for those leftovers?”
I replied, “No, I hate violence. May I just pay with my card?”
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On his morning jog with loyal dog, through the sog of smoggy fog, on a pad of lily in the bog, just before the oaken mossened log, John spied a bullfrog sipping grog, becoming agog — and later sure to blog.
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The wife asked me why I whisper so often at home. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed!
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John called the animal shelter and said, "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods!" Shelter worker asked, "Are they moving?" He replied, "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
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Leaving a saucepan of alphabet soup unattended on the stove can spell disaster.
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Cute - a cat crashed a neighborhood nativity scene in NYC!
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Car companies named them "heated seats" because "rear defroster" was already taken.
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Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet ahead of time.
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Lots of Victorian novels at the library are avoided like the Dickens.
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The balloon shoot down? Now that’s fighting inflation.
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"How good are you at PowerPoint?"
"I Excel at it."
"Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
"Word."
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Hate grabbing a box of animal crackers only to find the seal is broken.
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Don't use 'beef stew' as a password.
It's not stroganoff.
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If womb is pronounced "woom" and tomb is pronounced "toom", shouldn't bomb be pronounced "boom"?
#BOOM
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If someone takes your coffee cup at work are you mugged?
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If you divorce a lumberjack does he become your axe-husband?
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If alcohol can damage your short term memory -
Imagine the damage alcohol could do!
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I'm seeing a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes.
She put me on Xanax!
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♡ On this day 50 years ago (July 3, 1971) Sharon and I got hitched! I am all the better for it! ♡
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