Alasdair Beckett-King
@MisterABK
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Award-winning poltergeist and comedian | Books, Podcasts, Links: https://t.co/c9vCn1jFBL | Pronouns like a butler coughing: he/him
Joined November 2014
I read a list of Glass Onion plotholes, and now I think there needs to be a class in school where they explain what a plothole is. Get rid of PE and replace it with that. A character holding a knife is not a plothole.
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Twitter The Simpsons. 🤝 . Owned by an evil billionaire. Getting worse. 4000 characters.
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Give a man a fish and he can feed himself for a day. But give him one eighth of a fish, and you can keep the rest of the fish yourself. - Ancient Tory Proverb.
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Incredible that "the elephant in the room" means the thing no one is talking about. If I saw an elephant in a room I would bring it up almost immediately.
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"You should never mock someone for mispronouncing something, because it means they learned it by reading," I say, after calling Malcolm X "Malcolm the Tenth".
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I think billionaires should pay throttlingly burdensome taxes, not to improve society, but because it makes them sad.
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Video of Elon Musk trying to do a high five, but he misses and slaps a horse, and the horse gallops away, but Musk's belt is caught on it and his trousers rip off.
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"What happened to the knife? It was missing, and then later I saw someone holding it, but no one ever commented on it!" Nooooooooooot a plothole. The character you saw holding the knife PICKED IT UP. And no one commented on it, because it's not radio.
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If you took a billionaire's money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top. I'm so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires' money away.
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We slid smoothly from, 'identify how you want, but don't expect us to play along' to 'if a child is rumoured to have a factually inaccurate belief, the press and government should mount a nationwide campaign of remedial bullying.'.
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I'm finding Mastodon to be needlessly complicated, and please bear in mind that I have been using Blender since 2003, when it made you answer 3 riddles before you could delete the default cube.
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Good evening. I took the birds out of The Birds (1963).
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What if Jaws (1975) were set in the North East of England?
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The Modern Pentathlon logo makes it look like two of the athletes are in big trouble.
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People say Twitter-as-news has made us stupider, but deducing what actually happened from the jokes is a SKILL. You try and make sense of the Bay of Pigs Invasion from two hundred accounts tweeting, 'It's me, I'm the pigs.'.
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Look, the NHS is an unmanageable behemoth. Labour tried spending more money on it, and it got better. The Conservatives tried spending less money on it, and it got worse. It's just an intractable problem that we're never going to solve.
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I see a lot of lefties complaining about house prices, but one Rosewood Red Multi Brick only costs 62p. Are you telling me you can't save 62p? There are 8000 bricks in a house, so that's £5296. 8000 packs of ciggies cost £5200. Some of you need to LEARN to BUDGET.
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When you forget your password in the Olden Times™:
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Can't believe the Queen switches the palace lights on and off herself. There must be hundreds of them.
The Queen has tested positive for Covid and has "mild cold-like symptoms" but expects to carry out light duties this week, says Buckingham Palace
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Incredible foresight from Thatcher to gut working class communities, so that 40 years later Tories can point gleefully at regions full of neglected white kids and go: "look, racism doesn't exist.".
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How is Twitter worth any money at all? It's free. It's broken. Everyone who uses it hates it and I would die a thousand deaths before clicking on a promoted tweet.
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Every episode of Good Omens (and some other TV shows) in 45 seconds:
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Huge respect for conservatives resigning and defecting. It takes a lot of guts to quit exactly at the moment things become personally embarrassing for you.
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If you find it implausible that someone would do an Edinburgh Fringe show to no one, cry, tweet about it and then do the exact same thing again a year later then allow me to introduce you to everyone at the Edinburgh Fringe.
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I found a pub with an inverted normal map. If you understand what this means, you have to retweet.
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In Bethlehem, Christ is born [SUSPENDED FOR LIVE LOCATION SHARING].
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"Hello, is that Roman customer services? I ordered an extra large t-shirt, but you've sent me 40.".
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I took the crop duster out of the crop duster scene from North By Northwest (1959). Now Cary Grant just keeps falling over. I'm sorry, OK?
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Can't believe that the guys who made S.T.A.L.K.E.R., a game that doesn't have a single female character, would eventually get into NFTs.
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Wow, did you know Netflix's Sandman is based on a graphic novel?
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PLEASE check the batteries in your Woke Detector. We just got up to find the kitchen full of pronouns. Thankfully managed to get most of they/them out the window. Last week it was Critical Race Theory leaking from the flat above. THIS IS SERIOUS.
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I would consider paying Twitter $8 for a Show Me The Thing I Was Looking At A Second Ago That Has Now Disappeared button.
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I can't believe choosing the worst option every single time we were asked has brought us to this.
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All I want is the imaginary Keir Starmer the Tories keep tweeting about.
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Quest givers are like: "That's close enough, Stranger. One more step and you're scagg meat. Why don't you turn around and start walkin'? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.".
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My favourite episode of Father Ted is the one where Father Ted makes a small mistake, but instead of owning up to it he makes the situation much worse with outrageous consequences.
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To become a millionaire on the internet, you just have to say things like:. Men, stop blinking. Your eyes are meant to be dry. A true warrior keeps his eyes open to scan the horizon for threats. Women and babies blink to get rid of the tears they are crying. #NoBlinkBro.
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People agreeing with each other - UGH! Disgusting groupthink. People agreeing with me - Ah! Open minds! Welcome to my thinkatorium.
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Sorry, but there should be separate customer service phone lines for non-boomers. Of course I've already tried your website before phoning. I am not a maniac.
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That's nice. I always felt that what England, as a nation, lacked was a high opinion of itself.
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It's hard to tell exactly how bad AI art is, because the people producing it are the dullest and most easily impressed marks on the planet. "This is a game-changer!" they cry as they try to scoop the moon out of a pond.
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Cultural Marxism? It's called Wokeness now, gramps. And before that it was called Critical Race Theory. And Identity Politics. And Political Correctness. And before that it was called Cultural Bolshevism, by some really kooky guys.
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This mask has been posted again, and once again I am getting notifications.
Unsettling 17th century mask made from real human hair, leather skin, feathers and false teeth. via @museumweirdo
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Hey, want to play an interactive Twitter murder mystery?
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Not everyone has seen the tweet this is spoofing, and I am taking a lot of undue flak about the location of Iceland.
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The context of that "No Context Brits" account is flat-out stealing jokes and funny pictures. And, honestly, what could be more British than being applauded for stuff you stole?.
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I'm finding it very hard to reveal wrongdoing in this whistle factory.
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I've created a spoof advert which is so convincing that people are scrolling past it. Not watching this is actually a huge compliment to me.
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Hoping GB News will commission Gammontown: the anti-woke kids' show for horrible children.
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Every so often in the UK, we ask a Baroness to investigate whether the police should be reformed, or whether drugs should be decriminalised. And they say, "Yes." .And we say, "We're not doing that.".
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Keir Starmer has to walk a tightrope, balancing the interests of working people/immigrants/trans people against the interests of six whimsical millionaires.
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The famous interview where Orson Welles rips into Alex Kidd:
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I don't say this lightly, but I have thought about this carefully and I am prepared to support trans people even if it means we never get Father Ted: The Musical.
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Is that dog staying? Because I hate it. I hate the stupid line of pixels that renders between its ears in my browser. I hate the way it gives the impression of being a joke without being a joke. I hate it.
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It's November 2014 and I'm joining Twitter. Time to follow Richard Dawkins, Glenn Greenwald and the guy who wrote my favourite sitcom. Oh boy, this is gonna be swell.
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The Swedish word for great grandson doesn't mess around.
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Playing Dungeons and Dragons with an actual Dragon:.
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Every British person over 50 is convinced they grew up as a WW2 chimney sweep.
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Why does every fantasy realm have the same annoying little guy?
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When you saw only one set of footprints,.It was then that I carried you.
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