Jerk
@Mhmm_ok_sure
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Pinned Tweet
15: Mommy, what if they aren’t stars?
Me: Huh?
15: What if they’re holes poked in the top so we can breathe.
Me: Fuuuuuck.
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My 46 year old Down syndrome client just farted and said “There we go. That should keep the virus away.”
That’s it. That’s the tweet. I’m dead. 💀
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Dear stupid girl,
He’s not an asshole when he drinks. He’s an asshole. He just can’t hide it when he drinks.
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I told my 78 year old client that I had workers coming today incase she wanted to *gestures to her sheer robe and unharnessed breasts* freshen up.
She thanked me, disappeared to her bedroom and came back out wearing earrings. 💀😂
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I don’t always tell my kids to fuck off but....
*At the store with a check out balance of $20.13*
Me: Do either of you have any change?
16: Change comes from within.
Me: fuckoff
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HEY!!!!
TO ALL YOU YOUNG MEN THAT YELL SEXUALLY EXPLICIT ADVANCES TO THOSE OF US OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MOTHER......
Thank you. ❤️
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Ever drive behind the same car so long you get a little sad when they turn off?
I need a boyfriend.
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Time for quarantine coffee.
It’s like regular coffee but it’s beer.
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15: Did you know the human anus can stretch up to 7 inches?
16: Did you know a opossum can fit through a hole that’s only 3 inches? Someone could technically get 2 opossums up their ass at the same time.
Me: *drinks*
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This year for Christmas I’m giving everyone orgasms.
Feel free to return them.
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I’m a happy, healthy strong woman.
Good men aren’t attracted to me.
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Sometime I think about leaving twitter....then I see stuff like this. 😂😂😂❤️❤️❤️
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Yes, I walked into 2021 drunk and topless.
Stop pretending you’re surprised.
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I was raised by a toxic maternal narcissist & a dad that gave up on life. I raised 2 amazing kids with ZERO support, rescued dogs, madeout w/a drag queen, jumped off the highest mountain in France, posted my tits on the internet and scuba’d in the big blue hole.
Do better.
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Wanted: someone to snuggle or fuck me back to sleep every morning at 3am. No weirdos.
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