LaughBreak || Dad Jokes ‘N More
@MediocreJoker85
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Joke of all trades, master of PUN. Laughter enthusiast. Serving up cringe-worthy jokes and more, tested for maximum groans around the family dinner table.
Joined June 2022
Does anyone know if I can buy an entire chess set at the pawn shop?.
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@PicturesFoIder I'm not one to brag about my finances, but my bank calls me almost every day to tell me my account balance is outstanding!.
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@PicturesFoIder Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You ARE the lawyer. Lawyer: So where’s my present?.
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@elonmusk My wife is threatening to leave me because I make too many video game jokes. I just think that's an odd thing to Fallout 4.
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@PicturesFoIder Me: How much are tickets?. Ticketmaster: They’re $55 each. Me: Ok I’ll take two. TM: Great that’ll be $847.83. 😭.
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@BarackObama I made a playlist for hiking. It’s has music from The Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
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When I was a kid, bedtime was 9pm and I couldn’t wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted. Turns out that time is 9pm.
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Gonna tell my kids these wires went to the fridge, for the ketchup, mayo and mustard dispenser.
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@fesshole Interviewer: “What is this 4 year gap in your resume?”. Me: “That's when I went to Yale.”. Interviewer: “Very impressive, you're hired!”. Me: “Thanks, I really need this yob.”.
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@fesshole Woke up the other day in a cold sweat, terrified that I overslept for work. But quickly realized I was already at work so breathed a huge sigh of relief.
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@elonmusk @boringcompany Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring. But fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.
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@cat_elg So… You’re saying I should’nt have run back into the house to tell my wife I got a boo boo?.
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It’s that time of the year again, almost forget to hang the missile toad.
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The perfect name for a snow plow doesn’t exi…
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A Mexican magician told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three. He began counting: “Uno… Dos…” . *POOF*. He disappeared without a tres.
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@fesshole People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
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I bought a really expensive laxative from the pharmacy. It gave me a good run for my money.
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@weirddalle Remember, separating your laundry by color is a hoax created by Big Detergent to sell more laundry sauce.
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Me: How much are tickets?. Ticketmaster: They’re $55 each. Me: Ok I’ll take two. TM: Great that’ll be $847.83. 😭.
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@greg16676935420 I got a text saying that I won my choice of $100 cash or tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute act. It said to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
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@GigaBasedDad The inventor of the dishwasher was buried today. They lowered him down, then his wife took him out and put him back in the right way.
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Someone ripped the fifth page out of my calendar. I’m dismayed.
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@JoJoFromJerz The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
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In order to have a murder of crows, there must be probable caws.
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@greg16676935420 I'm not one to brag about my finances, but my bank calls me almost every day to tell me my account balance is outstanding!.
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Eye doctor: “Your results just came back.”. Me: “Can I see them?”. Eye doctor: “Probably not.”.
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I was drinking a beer and the bartender yelled “Anyone know CPR?” I replied, “I know the entire alphabet!” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
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A lot of women say their husband never listens to them. I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that.
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My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, ”Does this make me look fat?”. I texted back "Noo!” but my phone autocorrected it to “Moo!” . Please send help.
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I told some of my jokes on a Zoom call this morning but nobody laughed. Guess I’m not remotely funny.
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Just wanted to let everyone know I’m going through a lot right now.
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff. It's less hassel that way.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact, it’s bordering on Chile.
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The word “queue” is ironic. It’s just the letter “Q” with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
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Santa without a GPS is a lost Claus.
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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar. I'm dismayed.
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Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
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Dad, are we pyromaniacs?. Yes, we arson.
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@fesshole For my wife’s birthday, I took her to an orchard to gaze upon the rows of trees for two hours. I guess that wasn’t the apple watch she was expecting apparently.
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I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician. Sorry but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
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A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars. Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
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🚨 𝗕𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗞𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗡𝗘𝗪𝗦 🚨. A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint in the middle of the ocean. It’s believed both crews have been marooned.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact, it’s bordering on Chile.
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@MAstronomers Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar. They didn’t planet that way.
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THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:.Start The Fire.Shoot the Deputy. THINGS WE DID DO:.Built This City.Shot the Sheriff . THINGS WE WANT TO DO:.Break Free.Hold Your Hand. THINGS WE WILL DO:.Rock You.Survive.Anything for Love. THINGS WE WONT DO:.Get Fooled Again.Back Down.That.
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@MAstronomers As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soy Way galaxy. I’m galactose intolerant.
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@Rainmaker1973 I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology. That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
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@SpillTheMemes Two incomes are better than one so make sure your partner has two jobs. Follow me for more financial freedom advice.
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside? I have like 50 wooden balls already.
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?. He looks through the cattlelog.
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Where do bad rainbows go?. Prism. It's a light sentence. Gives them time to reflect.
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Did you know that Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal?. Until the pressure got to him.
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I dislocated my shoulder, but my friends helped me pop it back in. It was a joint effort.
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Laundry:. Washing - 30 mins. Drying - 60 mins. Putting away - 7 to 10 business days.
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures.”. They really missed an opportunity to call them “substitooths.”.
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I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list. When I got home he had only completed items 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?. A synonym roll!. 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦.
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I have a condition where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it’s terminal.
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My roommates are convinced our house is haunted. But I’ve lived here for 235 years and have never noticed anything strange.
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Professor X: What's your super power?. Me: Hindsight. Professor X: That's not going to help us. Me: Yes I see that now.
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@briggityboppity @NiteniteMelissa I was once asked by a friend who my favorite vampire is. I said the muppet on Sesame St. They said "He doesn't count!" I replied "I assure you, he does.".
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@TheFigen_ About a hundred years ago, a couple brothers said they could fly. And they were Wright.
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Ironically the guy that stole my diary and Bible got in a serious car accident. My thoughts & prayers are with him.
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My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.
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A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
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I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. “Sure,” he said. “Knock yourself out.”.
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@wildtiktokss My sleeping pattern isn't even a pattern anymore, it’s more like a freestyle.
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I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus. But geometry is where I draw the line.
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Teacher: Make up a sentence that includes the words defense, defeat and detail. Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat go first and then detail.
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The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning. He tested positive for Coke.
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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people understand this.
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I asked the worker at the toy store if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in stock. She replied, “Aisle B, back”.
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It’s been six months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m gonna go in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
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This morning, I coughed up a pawn, a bishop, and a rook. I must have a chess infection. 𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘬𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵.
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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Most bald people still own a comb. They just can't part with it.
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Hyphenated. Non-Hyphenated. The irony.
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I once yelled into a colander. Strained my voice.
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It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they've already made me the spokes person.
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My son was chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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The fact that there’s a highway to Hell and just a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic volume.
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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonald's Farm.
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My teacher says not to worry about correct spelling because we have autocorrect. And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
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If the person who named “Walkie Talkies” named everything else:. Stamps: Lickie Stickies.Defibrillators: Hearty Starty.Bees: Fuzzy Buzzies.Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby.Lamp: Lighty Brighty.Alarm Clock: Sleepy Bleepy.Nightmare: Screamy Dreamy. What else? Keep it going!.
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Just found out that the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
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[Making a doctor’s appointment]. Me: “Hi, I need to see a doctor.”. Receptionist: “Which doctor?”. Me: “No, just a normal one.”.
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Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar. They didn’t planet that way.
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Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, it means that he will fix it. There is no need to remind him every 6 months.
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Not many people know this but I actually studied dad jokes in college. I majored in sighchology.
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