Just walked to the postbox. Saw one of my hens had escaped and was in the road. After a bit of wrangling I managed to catch her and took her home, kicking and screaming. Opened the run to find all mine present and correct. I have no idea whose chicken I've accidentally kidnapped.
Just got back to my car and found someone has tucked a page ripped from David Copperfield under my windscreen wiper. Have I pissed off some kind of victorian mafia??
My 3 year old nephew chose a birthday present for me. He got me a ball of twine. My sister rather apologetically said that she tried to persuade him to get something else but he was absolutely insistent and thought I'd really like it. It's my favourite present.
Right. We have between 50 and 70 native tree species in the UK, depending on how you define native and species. I have collated them and made a definitive list of 55, which, because it's a bank holiday and I'm unavoid stuff, I will now rank from worst to best. Strap in!
My sister just messaged saying not to bother trying to contact our parents because mum threw both their phones in a canal. Another perfectly normal conversation with my family.
@anon_opin
Opening scene. A laboratory. A man sits at a microscope wearing a lab coat. He looks up from his work and turns to a colleague.
Scientist 1: Nope. Can't be done. Not enough dinosaur DNA in this mosquito.
Scientist 2: Righto. Pub?
The End
I've met the worse person in the world. I'm at a gig and there's a woman here who has brought a tambourine. I can't recall a time when I've hated someone so much.
Many who follow me will be aware that our old dog Rosie has been waning recently. Sadly we had to have her put to sleep today. She was stubborn and disobedient and we loved her dearly. She brought us 13 years of frustration and happiness and our lives will be emptier without her.
So there you go. And just a reminder, if you disagree with anything I've included or excluded, the order I've put them in, or anything else, keep it to yourself because I do not care.
I fear this old girl might not be with us much longer. It's heartbreaking watching her deteriorate and not being able to do anything. Back to the vet tomorrow to see what if anything else can be done, but until then we're just trying to make her comfortable.
I refuse to believe that Vince is handsome. In my head he looks like a crumpled, overwight ugg boot with a bright red face, poured into a pin strip suit.
#TheArchers
We've had toasters for nearly 130 years. Why then, has no one ever thought to build a toaster which is DEEP ENOUGH TO PUT A WHOLE PIECE OF BLOODY BREAD IN?!
Many of you will be aware that I am something of a weirdo magnet. Well this morning, in what I think is probably a personal best, a random stranger has given me an old cow bell.
I think what really pisses me off about this story is that Ed and Em are exactly the sort of bellends that bring the industry into disrepute. The idea that you can do a 4 week course and be a tree surgeon is bullshit. It's a skilled job which takes years of experience
#TheArchers
Offered an old lady a lift because her bus hadn't turned up then spent 20 minutes listening to her gripe about it being immigrants' fault. No good deed goes unpunished...
Strange turn of events this morning: a magpie just flew over and dropped a mangled rabbit's head on me. I assume it was some sort of witchcraft and I'm cursed for ever more.
Morning. I've just had some bad news. My nan, Pam, has died. It wasn't unexpected, she was 90. She was a wonderful woman. Unremarkable in many ways. The sort of woman we don't celebrate. I'd like to correct that and take a moment to tell you a bit about her, if you'll humour me.
"Hi, Pip, how are you?"
"I'm lark fine rise thanks. How to are Candleford you?"
"I'm lark rise fine to Candleford too."
"Lark rise to Candleford."
"Lark rise to Candleford?"
"Lark rise to Candleford."
"LAAAAARRRK RIIIISSSEE TO CAAAANNDLEFORRRD!"
#TheArchers
1. European Beech (Fagus sylvatica)
So here it is: my favourite tree. The mighty beech. So majestic, so beautiful with their smooth bark and spreading crowns. An awesome, towering tree.
Just turned on the radio and heard someone say with a genuinely hard done by tone "it wasn't until I was 10 that I got my first pony." This is peak Radio 4.
At this point I feel like we're only a day away from the SWs banging on my door at dawn and yelling "HAVE YOU READ LARK RISE TO CANDLEFORD" in my face.
#TheArchers
Harrison will be desperate for a baby now. Fallon will say no, and they'll split up. Then he can move to a remote island and be a vicar, and she can go back to being an interesting character with hopes and dreams and friends.
#TheArchers
How exactly is selling Grange Farm a way of raising money quickly? He has to give the Grundys notice, fix everything they've broken, find a buyer, all the conveyancing, solicitors, mortgages... that's going to take months!
#TheArchers
My neighbour asked if I wanted to borrow some pesticide to get rid of my 'weeds'. I politely explained that I was leaving them because they're very pretty and great for biodiversity. He just gave me a look. As luck would have it though, I don't give a fuck about his opinion.
Working from home. Heard a noise from the other room and went to investigate, only to have a cat jump out at me. Now those of you who have cats will know that this can be scary when you don't expect it. Let me tell you, it's really terrifying if, like me, you don't own a cat.
As we walked home from the pub my wife suddenly exclaimed "fucking look at the stars! There's fuck loads of the cunts!" It's like being married to Brian Cox.
@PeopleOfUK
Not sure if this counts as graffiti, but the old signs for Plymouth used to say "Plymouth Spirit of Discovery" until someone peeled a few letters off.
Currently trying to subtly follow a woman round Tesco because I want to hear the payoff of the story she's telling someone about her mate who's dating two identical twins simultaneously.
@fesshole
That'll learn him. How dare harmless people act in a manner that in no way inconveniences you but which you find very slightly annoying. You've struck a powerful blow against individualism!
3. English Oak (Quercus robur)
One of the real big hitters of the tree world. These beautiful fuckers can support over 1000 species of birds, insects, and mammals, and hundreds of plants and fungi. A truly magnificent tree.
@fesshole
Putting aside that this person has clearly never taken MDMA, I live in Cornwall and when you consider that today's newspaper headline was that someone had found an old wedding photo they thought they'd lost, I feel like this might have made the news if it were true.
Message from my sister: "Hey Matty, thanks for having the kids. Asked them what they'd done and they were very excited about seeing a cow having a poo." Little sods! We did loads of stuff and that's the thing they remember?!
Why the fuck does Jazzer suddenly give a fuck about the fucking competition, having not even checked there's a fucking category for stolen sunflowers? I am THIS CLOSE to smashing my radio.
#TheArchers