Matt Forde
@mattforde
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Comedian, podcaster, radioer. @TheRNOHCharity Ambassador. #NFFC and ham sandwich fan. Chordoma survivor. Stoma owner.
NEW TOUR on sale now:
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
My show at the Leicester Square Theatre has sold out so I’ve added a date at
@bloomstheatre
on Friday 6 December:
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Keir Starmer is classier, sharper, more thoughtful, better briefed, more considered, more mature, has better instincts, is cannier, more talented, more composed and more Prime Ministerial than Boris Johnson.
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What a brilliant photo. Beautiful setting, the finger wag, the social distancing, Johnson’s face... I think it’s just the visual reminder that we live in a democracy
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“It’s a moveable date, it’s not like Easter” says Michael Gove, naming a moveable feast
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Supermarkets have been able to cope with the demands of 60 million people every day of the year for my entire life. The system works. If you stockpile, not only are you ruining a system that means you can always get what you need when you need it, you’re a selfish twat.
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Someone brought their baby to my show last night. Sadly it derailed large parts of it because they wouldn't do the decent thing and just leave when it started crying. I get that it must be tough as a new parent but please, don't bring babies to adult shows. It's always a problem.
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Boris Johnson at 3.45pm:
I’ll be more responsible from now on
Boris Johnson 5 minutes later:
Here’s a Jimmy Savile gag
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Stuck in my flat for over 10 weeks. Not been outside at all. No sun on my face, no fresh air in my (feeble) lungs. I'm going to do the 12 weeks as I'm wary of catching or helping spread the virus. But my GOD, they've made me feel like a mug for sticking to rules when they haven't
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I had free school meals. I had to queue up for a token. A terrible, shaming way of doing it. Worse still was the fear of an error and my name not being on the list. Low income families need those meals.
@MarcusRashford
is absolutely right and he’s a hero for this campaign.
"I once had to go through that same system"
In a TV exclusive with
#BBCBreakfast
@MarcusRashford
explains why he's calling for a u-turn over the decision to end free school meal vouchers in England over summer.
More here:
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He should never have been Prime Minister. He was always going to be a disaster. It’s a disgrace that we’ve been put through this as a country.
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I don’t think we can underestimate how distressing this is for the country. For all the cynicism around politics, the vast majority of us want our Prime Ministers to succeed. We live our national story through them. I never thought I’d be so emotional about Boris Johnson.
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Keir Starmer draws a contrast not just with Jeremy Corbyn but with Boris Johnson. Corbyn and Johnson are part of the same political culture, promoting and standing by toxic individuals. Starmer is showing the way to a new, more decent era.
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Here's a happy story to end the week. For years
@RonJichardson
and I had fantasised about going to New York. For almost as long as we'd known each other we'd dreamt of going and having a holiday there. In 2011 we sorted it and set off on our adventure.
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I’m not a fan of the honours system anyway but if you’re going to hand out gifts to celebrities and mates, give them OBEs. Don’t make them legislators. We live in a country where being good at cricket entitles you to have constitutional power. It’s thick.
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If you boo our players when they take the knee and if you racially abuse them, you are not a fan. You are a hindrance, a blight and an embarrassment to us all. A hateful mess that the rest of us have to waste our time apologising for. Please, never go and watch England again 🏴
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Exceptional
#PMQs
from
@Keir_Starmer
. He got every beat right. Every syllable of every question was devastating in its precision.
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Until today, when I got an old laptop working and found the photos. So, here they are. Jon Richardson and I, in New York, with Billy Connolly. Whoever said "don't meet your heroes" had never met Billy Connolly. He was everything you'd hope he'd be and more.
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You can feel the difference having an adult in charge of Labour makes. Not just an adult but one who can think, string a sentence together, is mature, who doesn’t take every question personally and doesn’t feel the need to make out they’re the most moral person who’s ever lived
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Hearing Gordon Brown on
@BBCr4today
explaining in detail what should be done and why is a reminder of the quality of elite politicians. They don't stop thinking when they leave office. They're obsessed. He's absolutely on top of the detail. Get him involved.
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I've just been outside for the first time since the start of the lockdown. It was brilliant. 2 and a half hours of absolute bliss. It was a sensory overload. Everything looked more vivid than I remember, the colours brighter than I recall. The pollen smelled so strong and sweet.
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It’s incredible that a government who’ve had a disastrous couple of months don’t realise the opportunity
@MarcusRashford
has given them to a) do the right thing and feed poor hungry kids and b) finally get themselves some positive coverage
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A quarter of a century ago, Labour last made the leap from opposition to government. The only time it's happened in my life.
Listen to the people who win elections, not those who keep losing them.
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Chuffed to announce that I'm writing on the new series of Spitting Image and voicing some of the puppets. It's surreal to be part of such an iconic institution that I adored. It's like being asked to play guitar with Oasis. Can't wait for you to see it.
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England’s last 3 results at
#EURO2020
:
1-0
2-0
4-0
The maths is clear. We’ll win the semi-final 8-0 and the final 16-0.
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Millions of us have followed the medical advice to the letter. Not just for our own good, but for the collective good. You cannot have a situation where people at the heart of government are seen to flout the rules and get away with it. Not at a time like this, it’s too serious.
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I’m overwhelmed by all your messages. Thank you so much. I feel a bit young to be dealing with this, but hopefully that will aid my recovery. I know the hardest stuff is still to come but my advice so far is: if you have something wrong, go to the doctor. Catch it early.
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I used to be disgusted by stomas.
When I realised I'd have one, I was heartbroken.
But it's such a small change. It's nothing to fear.
@AdeleRoberts
,
@stomababe
, Louise Thompson and Mollie Pearce have given me strength by talking about theirs.
So here's mine!
#NewProfilePic
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I’ve not set foot outside at all, not once, for eight weeks. I’m shielding due to having severe asthma and live in a flat. I’m not asking for sympathy but I thought I’d share my experience to help others in a similar situation. My main reflection is this: I could murder a Big Mac
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Running the government you enabled him to form
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I realise this sounds a bit whiny but it’s just to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It’s like someone’s phone continually ringing and them not turning it off. I’ve had so many messages from people who were there last night who were very polite about the fact it pissed them off.
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“I’m genuinely unclear”
That will be clipped and played back forever. Novice mistake.
#PMQs
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Holy shit,
@wesstreeting
is a political MEGASTAR
I don’t know why this has to be explained again and again.
We need to protect the NHS and prevent it from toppling over.
It’s why Labour will support the measures today and why we urge everyone to get the booster vaccine.
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Gavin Williamson should resign. He’s put those young people through hell.
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That first pint in that first pub... it’ll be like being 13 again
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The public inquiry into this will be unlike anything we’ve seen. Ultimately it will centre on the role of Prime Minister and its purpose - to keep us safe. That alone could have a huge impact on our politics. We might rediscover our love of experts and of serious politicians too.
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I’m going outside later today for the first time at all since March. I’m so excited.
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We did it. I’m so so happy but I can’t stop crying. Part of me thought I’d never actually see this. I love them all so much
#NFFC
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Some personal news.
I’ve had awful sciatica lately. It’s caused by a spine tumour.
I need surgery so I’ll be off for a bit. I’ll record some shows to cover the gap (subscribe wherever you get your podcasts).
I’ll be fine. In the words of Steve Cooper, I’ll trust the process.
We're all with you Fordey 💜
@mattforde
will be taking some time away from the show for health reasons.
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I love how sniffy some people get about “football’s coming home”. It was originally a reference to hosting Euro 96 and is either said jokingly or sung joyously. If other people being happy annoys you, you’re the problem
#EURO2020
🏴
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Dominic Raab, our fearless Foreign Secretary refusing to say whether it was right for Donald Trump to falsely claim victory. It’s bad enough when Trump tries to subvert democracy, it’s horrific when our leading figures can’t openly call it out.
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He’s been out of office for 13 years and he’s still more useful than the actual Prime Minister
The present vaccination plan must be altered & radically accelerated for us to avoid colossal economic & health damage going into 2021.
Read Tony Blair's call for a rethink of the UK's vaccine rollout in
@Independent
:
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I’ve just been to see
@BorisJohnson
and agreed to replace him as Prime Minister.
The price of a pint is immediately capped at £4, Don’t Look Back in Anger is our new national anthem and playing loud music on public transport is now a capital offence.
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Absolutely solid and on course for victory.
The game was on too.
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It’s not that the SNP don’t know the answers on the economic impact of independence, it’s that they do
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He’s like that bloke at a gig who turns back towards the crowd, arms outstretched, and thinks everyone is looking at them
Incredible show of appreciation and solidarity for our NHS staff on my street and streets across the country tonight.
#ClapForOurCarers
#ClapForNHS
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Keir Starmer’s speech is one of the most important in Labour history. In one speech he’s hauled Labour forward a decade. Away from being a silly protest movement of fringe issues and anti-Jewish racism, and toward a sensible, serious, government-in-waiting
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Imagine Ken Clarke or Gordon Brown having to resign on Budget Day for sending similar messages to a 16 year old. It would threaten the entire government. Imagine what the SNP would have said about it. I’m not sure they’d have chosen the word “foolish”
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If I was Labour I'd let Unite disaffiliate. It's daft for any political party to look like it's being controlled by any union boss (or any other interest or individual). Plus Labour have more chance of creating a wide Obama-style donor base without McCluskey and others there.
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Fair play to the Forest fan who paid £40 to have Harry and Meghan at the game
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Chuffed to bring you this global exclusive.
@BorisJohnson
answers your questions right here on
#AskBoris
...
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Meghan’s doing well and her team will be pleased, but wait until Jackie Bailie starts asking the questions
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On behalf of everyone who has been reliant on free school dinners: those of you saying it's not the government's job to feed disadvantaged children have no idea the huge difference those meals make. Or the lasting damage you will do to our society and economy.
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2 years ago a wonderful light went out. Tessa is the most magical person I’ve met. She had something extra, a deep humanity and a charisma completely of her own. She’s the antidote to this awful era of populism and I think about her all the time. She’d have made an amazing PM.
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Yes I do agree
British political parties have 'allowed a hooligan element into our politics' and 'should be ashamed', argues comedian Matt Forde.
Do you agree?
@mattforde
|
#CrossQuestion
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The thought of having a colostomy bag didn't just worry me, it repulsed me. But I've got used to it very quickly and don't feel embarrassed about it at all.
If you're about to have one, don't worry. It's completely different to how I imagined it.
“I’ve totally got used to having a colostomy bag”
Comedian Matt Forde discusses his recovery from surgery following cancer diagnosis on the latest
#BBCNewscast
...
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Dear
@BukayoSaka87
@MarcusRashford
and
@Sanchooo10
. You’re phenomenal footballers, you make us proud to support England, we love you and your biggest achievements are still to come 🏴
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The best speech by a Labour leader since the party was in government
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I only got into cricket in the final minutes of the 2019 World Cup Final. Before then I thought it was boring. I was an idiot. Now I'm obsessed. I guess what I'm saying is, there's always room in your heart for a new interest that involves drinking all day.
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Various media outlets will be trying to get hold of the CCTV of every service station along the route to Durham on that date. One photo of him popping into a Wild Bean and he’s toast.
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Thank you so much for all your messages, I'm blown away. I'm not saying I recommend getting cancer, but if there is an upside it's the love that others show you. That and the hospital food which really was excellent.
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The scandal isn’t that Ken Loach has been expelled from the Labour Party but why he was allowed to stay for four years after saying this
"History is for us all to discuss." - Ken Loach on reported
#Lab17
fringe comments about whether it's OK to ask if the Holocaust happened.
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This is bang on. Corbyn’s squad were a privately educated, detached and privileged elite. They had no idea about working class people or working class culture.
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This is majestic by
@eddiemarsan
and expertly delivered because you don’t see it coming. Then you think you do. Then you don’t. Masterful
Eddie Marsden on Johnson. Just wonderful
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Let me guess, Margaret Ferrier squeezed in a game of 5-a-side at Hampden...
NEWS | We can confirm that there has been a positive test for COVID-19 in the Scotland squad.
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Just a reminder for friends in Scotland. Boris Johnson is not the UK or England. He was elected because the alternative was Corbyn. England remains as complex and wonderful a place as any of the 4 nations of the UK. We aren’t in competition with you, we are your partners.
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I presume the story about disadvantaged kids having their education destroyed is on page 2
Tomorrow's front page: Ruth Davidson's secret visit to Douglas Ross revealed
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The abuse
@jk_rowling
has to suffer is horrific. That it’s aimed at someone who does so much good for the world makes it especially cruel.
To be fair, when you can’t get a woman sacked, arrested or dropped by her publisher, and cancelling her only made her book sales go up, there’s really only one place to go.
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Just watching
#BBCLeadersDebate
. It’s striking how weird - how inappropriate - it sounds to talk about independence during Covid. It’s like Nicola Sturgeon is having a different conversation to the rest of the country, to the rest of the world.
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Small point: I wish we had a better national anthem. Flower of Scotland is spine-tingling. If we had Jerusalem it would be so much more affecting.
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They burned all that political capital letting him stay, humiliated themselves as a government defending his ludicrous story and now he’s walking out on them
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Whoever wins the Labour leadership, unless they confront and proscribe Momentum and their supporters in the way that Foot and Kinnock did with Militant, they're doomed.
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History is going to thrash Labour for the Corbyn years. What a disgrace this period has been.
#budget
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What about teachers who are Tories?
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Nicola Sturgeon asks all parties to reset their tone. The same Nicola Sturgeon who said she 'detests the Tories' and called her opponents 'democracy deniers'.
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Keir Starmer won that pretty straightforwardly. The main impression was of a serious person who should be in charge. Rishi Sunak felt someone running for a school election.
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Virtuoso performance from
@RachelReevesMP
. You can see the confidence flowing through Labour now. They’re on the brink of government and they know it.
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Boris Johnson totally falls into Keir Starmer’s trap by losing his temper when asked, er, reasonable questions
#PMQs
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I’m aware I look terrible in that photo. In my defence it was freezing and I have very sensitive skin. The 10 day pub crawl may also be playing a small part.
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Where Keir Starmer leads, Boris Johnson follows…
Chancellor Rishi Sunak announces a windfall tax on energy companies as he sets out the Government's latest plan to tackle cost of living crisis
For more on this and other news visit
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It was the honour of my life to be involved today. I don’t know how I held it together. Seeing Nottingham come together in a vast ocean of red and white was stunning. Forest fans are the best in the world. What an amazing club, what an amazing city. The future is very exciting.
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Thank God they got that cancer out of me, I’d have hated to miss this.
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This is Scotland’s capital.
Where is Scotland’s government?
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I’ve gone for an early walk before it gets busy. I’ve never seen so much litter on my local park. It’s absolutely disgusting. What sort of lazy, entitled bastard does this? Just take it with you.
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When you’re told you have cancer you can’t believe it. This stuff happens to other people. Older people.
However you get it out, it’s tough and it’s emotional, but you get through it. The hard times do pass.
Catherine talking about her experience will help so many people.
A message from Catherine, The Princess of Wales
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Governments which criminalise their opponents are not liberal and not progressive. Scotland’s Hate Crime Law is authoritarian and dangerous.
@jk_rowling
is right to challenge it on behalf of us all, especially those who can’t speak up for themselves.
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I can’t believe my mate
@mrmarksteel
is going through this at the same time. I’ve looked up to him for years and he’s always been so ridiculously generous to me. We had a great afternoon in the pub recently when neither of us knew. Maybe we’ll end up in adjacent beds.
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