This is exactly what would happen if my kids owned countries next to each other.

Hear me out @DavidSpade : you could do this. Make a skit. For a second I thought it was you.

@JimCrickets2 @IllyNOTLilly Maybe Vince was flying it

@iFightForKids Um hello

@AdrianneCurry I train financial planners. I always talk about the airplane announcements. They always tell you that if there’s a need for oxygen, secure yourself before helping others, else you’ll end up worse than worthless yourself. Same thing.

When you’re tired from a full day but your sick daughter wants meatballs so you make sauce and meatballs at 7pm but you get this and you cry a little because it’s worth it

@NosajF518 @crbrendemuehl @Not_the_Bee Lucky

RT @MarvinBulas: @Amer1can_Barbie Before his marriage, my friend said, “Guess where I’m going for my honeymoon?” I had no idea. He said, “…

@Amer1can_Barbie Before his marriage, my friend said, “Guess where I’m going for my honeymoon?” I had no idea. He said, “Indiana.” His future wife was named Deanna.

@crbrendemuehl @Not_the_Bee Mine is super effective in four hours and 14 minutes

@lockjaw555 @sasser1788 @krystalball What I like most about you is your level of sophistication and class.

@Indi4naJones @krystalball No, we're not. That moniker is on you based solely on your reply. Have a nice day.

@TPostMillennial How is she not embarrassed? Maybe she thinks she's on Maury.

@NationalDebt

@scarlett4kids Whatever carries a stiffer penalty. I'm sick of this.

@bentonjennings You understand nobody believes you right

@freedjpc @HannahDCox In this day and age, one never knows.

@SteveInmanUIC The rings!!! The rings!!! OMG!!!

@Gabepluguez Nice reminder. Thanks!

@adamcarolla Switched razors six years ago and never looked back.