Buddawiggi 🆒
@MarkBuckawicki
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The guy who named it spelunking should get to name more things
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Still searching for that haircut that really changes my life.
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Driving to loud classical music makes me feel like a serial killer.
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Peek-a-boo taught you object permanence and musical chairs made you nervous about it
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To be fair, a dumpster is like one of the safest places to have a fire
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Rough weekend of playing outside and doing whatever I want all the time
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If you are reading this you are my emergency contact
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The odds of being alive are astronomically slim just go with it
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Welcome to your 50s, it is no longer unusual to just drop dead
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[cutting the sleeves off a denim jacket] this is so gonna be my year
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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All vitamins are chewable if you’re not a little bitch
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This mandatory corporate training video could have been a bubble bath
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Talking is great, but if you wanna be misunderstood in the future, you gotta write
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Hands are only the beginning, eventually jazz spreads everywhere
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If soulmates were real, she would’ve figured out my series of riddles by now
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Do the people that rob convenience stores even know about banks?
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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Look at all the things in your immediate environment; that's World War III memorabilia
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[person inventing cottage cheese] somebody’ll eat this
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Day 3650 of living in a caloric deficit & I’m finally at my original birthweight of 9lbs
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It’s called a wooden spoon because wand of ridiculous bacteria was already taken
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Gen X definitely got the coolest name of the all the generations. I mean did the rest of yall even try
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“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” demonstrates an absolute misunderstanding of distance
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I hear the Internet is 25 years old. Perhaps we should talk to it about moving out and finding a job.
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That picture of the black hole is already like so 27,000 years ago
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Sure war is hell but have you ever had a friendly neighbor
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Bought a cow. Anyone saying the milk is free has never owned a cow
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Shout out to everyone doing something they don’t want to do
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What the fuck, and I can’t stress this enough, is your name again
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Gary Oldman might be anyone, anywhere, at any time, he might be in the room with you right now
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All you need is love unless you’re hungry, cold, or have other needs
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My podcast is called coffee with a dog & it’s 15 minutes of silence
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motherfuckers tryna retire at my age I ain’t even picked a career
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Killed a half a pumpkin pie for breakfast. I am ungovernable
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The Pentagon? But have we consulted any of the other shapes
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I am from the future and can tell you that we get MUCH better at making toast but everything else is about the same.
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[scrolling through your own timeline] This person gets me
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Roses are quantum
violets are too
nothing is real
not even you
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Avoid gatherings of > 10 people? I don’t even know 10 people
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I’m asking right now, how tf is Mountain Dew extracted from the environment
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bought $25 of Twitter today so errybody just chill the fuck out
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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Oh I’m driving? Hope you like the fucking Beetlejuice soundtrack
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The earth is suspended in the thinnest little bubble of atmosphere in an otherwise impossibly hostile universe but fuck yeah sure let’s go to work
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Spent like a full minute thinking about how the difference between decapitation & beheading is intent
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Stuck between I could die any minute and planning for retirement
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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I’ve decided to like people & I’m gonna make some friends. They’re going to love it
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Me: [momentarily comfortable] this feels nice, what’s the catch
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Shout out to people, places,& things not requiring anything from me
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Any guy wearing a pendant can get you into the dark web
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Not sure what a forensic meteorologist does but I’m adding it to my resume
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Before Twitter I had to dig little holes & shout these into the earth
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Stop paying loans immediately and everyone hide in the woods
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It fucking smells like a box of new pencils in here, delicious
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I’m so low maintenance we don’t have to meet or talk or whatever
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Fuck 12 days of Christmas, stay tuned for my five days of pancakes
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Before GPS, pizza delivery relied on a driver’s knowledge of the area & folding maps. No joke. Summer, ‘89, in a Ford Pinto, ‘78
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Omg, good vanilla extract & good whisky cost about the same
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This is what happens when you stop the world & melt with somebody
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I’d like to give a shout out to the alphabet for making this possible
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I see you’re driving the speed limit, what drugs do you deal
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