Michaela Taylor
@MamaMichaelax
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Mama. Lived experience. Recurrent miscarriage. Stillbirth. PTSD. Severe PND. MBU admission. Passionate about perinatal mental health. Healing is possible. 🌟
Wigan, England
Joined September 2023
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Things I would have missed if I’d ended my life.
My daughters first day at primary school.
I’m so glad I’m still here to see it.
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I HAVE BEEN DISCHARGED!
3 weeks ago I was actively suicidal. I had lost all of my protective factors. I was severely depressed. I couldn’t hold a conversation. I couldn’t eat or sleep.
Am I healed? No! But, I am well on my way to becoming a little more whole.
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In August I tried to take my own life, today I’ve just finished my first shift at a new job.
I’m far from finished in my recovery, but this would have been impossible even a month ago.
Keep going.
Yes, you.
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I did it. We did it.
I’m still under some services, but honestly, I didn’t see myself being alive now. I didn’t want to be alive, even a few months ago.
We’re celebrating because I’m alive. We’re celebrating because my kids still have their mummy. We’re celebrating.
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I turned 32 last week.
I made it to my birthday.
I’m still alive.
Depression hasn’t won.
That’s it, that’s the post.
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In March I went to the train station to end my life. Yesterday I was given a promotion at my new job.
Healing is possible.
I’m proof that brokenness can be pieced together and made whole.
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Things I would have missed if I’d ended my life
#1
My little girls first nativity. She was a chicken 🐓 😂
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This was the day we left the hospital with our rainbow baby after two losses.
How many times do we see these photos on social media?
Let us never forget though, that families walk out with empty wombs, broken hearts and vacant car seats each and every day.
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Things I would have missed if I’d ended my life.
My daughter had her settling in session at primary school today and she LOVED it.
We spent the day together and it was incredibly special.
Stay. Joy is waiting for you.
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Think I’ve just met the kindest GP ever. Had to lock myself in the surgery bathroom to sob because I felt so seen and validated.
What an absolute angel.
Please don’t ever underestimate what kindness can mean to someone with a long term condition.
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A year ago today I actively tried to take my own life by taking my prescribed medication in excess.
It didn’t work.
I’m still here.
There’s still hope.
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Things I would have missed if I’d ended my life.
My girl turned four today. I was here to celebrate w/ her. We sang happy birthday, crafted together, she told me how much she loved me.
In the thick of depression it feels hopeless, I promise it isn’t.
Hang on. It gets better
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My husband has got me an urgent appointment with my GP for my mental health this afternoon and I’m terrified.
How do I get the words out? How do I have the courage to be honest.
Send me your tips! 😅
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I’ve been hesitant to share this, but here it goes.
Before my admission, I’d gone to the train station to end my life.
I arrived + was met with these blooms. They told me that I mattered + held me safe until others arrived.
Never underestimate the impact kindness may have.
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Things I would have missed if I’d ended my life
#3
Spending the festive period with these two miracles.
We may not have had the perfect instagrammable Christmas, but they had their mummy and I’m certain she gave them her best. ✨
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I’ve been accepted for a bed. I’ll be going there today.
Hoping and praying that this is the turning point I need.
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Things I would have missed if I’d ended my life.
My daughter graduated from pre-school. It was a joyous occasion, but what I loved the most was how she came to snuggle me mid-graduation to tell me that she loved me.
Those moments are priceless.
I’m so glad I’m still here.
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Well, I guess this is it! Had a phone call to say a bed has been identified for me at my local unit.
Terrified, but praying this is the turning point I need.
So thankful for the home treatment team for keeping me safe and to be close to my babies.
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Hesitated sharing this, but this weekend I became really unwell and much to my surprise found out that I’m having a very early miscarriage.
This is a triggering and upsetting time for me, but also a lonely one as I feel I can’t share it with anyone.
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Introducing you to one of the most beautiful women.
She held my hand while I laboured my stillborn, told me about her losses, showed me true empathy, she cared.
I’m now blessed to call her a friend.
I hope each of you know how much of a lasting impact you can have.
@WWLNHS
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Just arrived at where I’ll be staying until a bed becomes available at my local unit.
I cannot stop crying. I feel so far away from my babies and feel like I’ve done the wrong thing agreeing to admission.
I guess sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
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I’m setting on the ward, but mostly spending time in my room. I’ve seen the consultant, been moved to general observations and looking at some leave this week.
My husband and babies are coming to visit this afternoon.
The tiniest spark of hope is burning. 🧨
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13 years together, almost 9 married. Wow, we’ve weathered storms, stuck together and he has loved me through my darkest moments, wiped away my tears + kept me safe.
I don’t know what I did to deserve him + I know everyone doesn’t have this. I’m so so grateful that I do.
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It’s our stillborns 5th birthday.
The 1st year my daughter has been aware and asked to have a birthday cake for him.
I’ll be honest, at first I thought it was a little silly, but it’s now become something I’ll do every year.
Thankful for the gentle heart of my 3yo
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For those following my journey, I’m home.
I met with my wonderful HTT practitioner today and I no longer require a hospital admission.
We are working together to put a long term plan in place and I feel supported.
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Today another patient wanted her hair to be braided but she was ignored by other patients and staff were incredibly busy.
I braided her hair and we had a chat together and it was a lovely moment.
I was reminded of how kindness and inclusivity really matters.
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Some days are just really hard. It’s coming up to a year that I attempted to end my life.
I’m not in that place now, but it is true that the body keeps the score.
Lots of grounding. Walking. Time with my puppy. Candle + a good book.
Progress.
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Had home leave today and we had a gorgeous pub lunch and an impromptu trip to the farm.
It’s the first time in a long time that I haven’t felt anxious when with my babies. I enjoyed every moment with them and my heart feels so full.
Slowly I am learning: I deserve to be well
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Three beautiful women I met at a SANDS support group after we’d all lost our babies within months of each other.
Our rainbows were born 3 weeks apart.
There’s something special about that kind of bond. It’s instant when you meet another loss parent.
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Just had to leave my church service and go and sit in the car park because I’m overwhelmed.
Recovery really does feel like one step forwards, two steps back.
Telling myself until I believe it: it won’t always be this way.
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Two photos taken an hour apart.
In both, I have depression and PTSD.
Remember that broken people can look whole on the outside. We’re all around you. Perhaps you’re one of them?
Let this be your reminder to check on your friends. Even the ones that seem well put together.
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Words from my father in relation to me:
“She needs to get her head sorted”
“I know she lost Zach, but she should be over it by now”
“She just needs to snap out of it”
If only it was that easy. If only he knew just how much I was battling.
Mental illness, is an illness.
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Every so often, I feel I’m getting a little bit of ‘me’ back. It’s been so long since I’ve enjoyed cooking. Last night, I made my husbands fave meal, ate by candlelight + talked about how far I’d come.
Don’t forget those things that seem little, they’re huge when recovering.
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Well, my anxiety got to crisis point and I panicked about staying safe, I took a promazine and feel like I woke up in another year 😅
Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Breath by breath.
I can do this.
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My suicidal ideation is strong at the moment. I think it might be because of the festive season.
I held a knife to my wrist today. It touched my skin. I paused for a moment, grounded myself and walked away.
Progress.
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He needs me. He wants me.
I don’t want to be here for myself yet, but I need to be here for him. I need to be here for my daughter and my husband.
I just hope that’s enough.
I dreamt of the day when I could snuggle a baby to sleep and I have it. I want to soak it all in.
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Pregnancy after loss for me was: filled with anxiety, counting down the days, obsessing over movements, waiting for things to go wrong, being scared to buy things, not enjoying it at all.
But there was always that spark of hope and my spark is 3 years old.
Hang in there. ✨
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Just been discharged from the perinatal team
@GMMH_NHS
No doubt one of the reasons my children still have their mummy today.
I’m so glad I kept going. I’m so glad I’m still engaging with services.
I promise you I couldn’t ever see this happening.
Keep going.
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Update: I’m going home!
Seeing home based treatment team tomorrow with a hope of referral to community mental health team and my own care-coordinator.
What a few days. 😅
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First time back at a train station since that awful day.
The thoughts are racing through my mind. I’m so lucky to still be alive. I’m so blessed to have found those flowers.
I think I’m happy to be alive.
Did I really just say that?
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Had my hair cut today.
Still learning to be compassionate w/ myself. Took this photo + saw the bags under eyes from lack of sleep, the way I hadn’t looked after my skin and how I hadn’t eaten a meal.
I’m proud of myself for taking time for me, even when it was uncomfortable.
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Can’t believe I’m writing this, but last night I had a MH crisis. Crisis team sent me to A&E, practitioners believe I need to be admitted (informally)
I’m terrified, I’ve let everyone down.
I’ve never been on a general ward before. Can anyone share their experiences with me?
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Very close incidences yesterday afternoon, walked for 3 hours, crisis team sent me to A&E. I’m home now.
Handed my notice in at a job I love, but too triggering at the moment. Manager was incredible and a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I can do this. Breath by breath.
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Spiralled last night. Not to the point of crisis, but I needed to ground myself.
Headed to the beach, recommended by a friend. It did me wonders, listening to the wind, feeling the sand under my feet. A perfect experience.
So thankful to not jump to crisis any more.
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Unsure if I’ll be discharged tomorrow as planned.
Trying to stay positive and trust the timing will be right, even if it isn’t easy.
I’m starting to feel like I’ll never be ‘well’ again, but I want to live. Even if it’s for other people right now. That matters too.
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Baby loss diaries
#1
8 weeks in and I started to bleed. Reassured all was okay, but measuring 6 weeks. Saw that little heartbeat flickering away.
12 weeks later and I’d be holding you in my arms.
Miss you, bud.
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Had a complete meltdown at work tonight. My manager shared his own struggles w/ me and I was so grateful.
Just spent an hour sat on the motorway bridge because I literally felt paralysed to the spot.
Trying not to beat myself up. Day by day. Hour by hour. Breath by breath.
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It’s been a tough day. I had another flashback and then continued to spiral. Had two fainting episodes this week. 😭
Really thankful for the HCA that listened to me without judgment and validated my feelings.
Off on a date with hubs this eve. Proud of myself for still going.
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I don’t think people understand that when you’re actively suicidal and even on your way to/attempting to end your life that it’s still utterly terrifying.
It has been for me, at least.
I’m so grateful I’m not in that place currently.
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I wasn’t discharged yesterday. I miss my kids. I’m anxious about my bond with my youngest, it took 10 months to form
Thankful for the staff here for encouraging me this is the right thing, that I will get better and that I’m worthy.
Hoping one day soon, I’ll believe that too.
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18m of breastfeeding has ended. I’m proud of the journey.
Tongue tie, re-attachment, mastitis, blocked ducts, CMPA, reflux, dropping centiles, feeding tubes, hypothermia, crippling PND.
One thing that got me through. One thing I felt I could do right.
Bye bye, Mama Milk 🥛
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I’ve discovered the root of my negative self-beliefs and have been able to challenge them this week.
I’ve had unescorted leave, took myself for a coffee date and managed to do some shopping.
I feel like I’m (finally) making some progress 😭
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Well, they do say recovery isn’t linear. Just had a panic attack and woke up on the floor of my bathroom 😅 Scared the life out of the nurse doing checks.
Big step back, but it doesn’t invalidate all the progress I’ve made. I can step forward again.
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@BethG17x
Get a new therapist. Your therapist shouldn’t gaslight you like that. I’m so sorry. It should be a place of safety for you. You are absolutely right. Her husband coming in is inappropriate.
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Home treatment team rearranged for Saturday. I became very unwell and husband wanted to take me to A&E.
Thankfully we’re at home and home treatment are coming tomorrow for an assessment.
I am absolutely exhausted. I very very nearly gave up for good today.
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I’m slowly learning what self-care is.
For me, it’s not a shower, the grocery shopping or taking the dog for his walk. Those are necessities.
For me it’s taking time + space before I get to a crisis point, even while feeling guilty.
I’m worthy of rest + care + so are you.
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Some days start off feeling like I’m bossing this mum life.
Then I take them out, get overwhelmed + have to come home.
Things perk up again.
I’m learning that peaks and valleys are normal in motherhood and a bad moment doesn’t mean I’m a bad mum.
That goes for you too 🫶
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My suicide attempts. My lack of bond with my child. My isolation. My hospital admissions. My deep ache and pain. My tears in secret.
All of this would say differently.
I’m glad you haven’t experienced it for yourself.
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Update (again!😂): just had a very productive meeting with home based treatment team.
They’re visiting Tuesday afternoon and keeping a plan in place.
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The kids 3&1 made me breakfast in bed today.
Happy(?) Mother’s Day to all of you. Those who are happy, healing & hurting.
It can be a complicated day, but you are seen, you are loved and you matter.
Thinking of all of those missing their little ones today especially. 🫶
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I now look back on photos before I knew I had PND and realise just how obvious it was.
It may look like a mum with her newborn son, but behind those eyes, so much was going on.
I felt like a failure, disconnected & that I didn’t deserve him.
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I’m overwhelmed by the kindness of this beautiful community. Thank you, I genuinely feel like way less alone. ❤️
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Today is a much harder day. Feeling extremely low and although I know from experience now that it won’t always be this way, it doesn’t make it any less difficult.
Sending love to anyone else feeling this way.
Remember, it won’t always be this way. ❤️
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Heartbroken.
“Adjustment disorder” put on my medical records, from a consultant that diagnosed me (wrongly) on the spot after meeting me for 5 minutes.
I’m not just a statistic for you to “solve”, I’m a human, a mummy, someone that deserves genuine help.
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I’m on the waiting list to be re-admitted, could be anywhere.
Practitioner wanted to section. I said I would go informally.
I don’t want to go back to hospital.
I’ve let everyone down.
How do I move on from this?
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There are no words for how difficult it is when I’m trying everything + i end up in the same place. I feel defeated.
However, v thankful for the nurse that listened to me sob + pour out words that were so hard for me to say.
You may never know the impact you have on someone.
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Last week had a PTSD crisis, disassociation + not feeling like myself. Home treatment called 999 while out + was met by police + brought home.
I was terrified, but kindness + compassion I was shown was 2nd to none + I went on to recover quickly.
So thankful for them that day.
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Thank you for your kindness.
I wrote everything down and handed them the paper and then answered questions.
I’m already under services as this has been a long battle.
Voicemail left for crisis team and another appoint tomorrow.
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Okay, so, I have treatment resistant depression.
If you have experience: what helped you?
Plan is admission, trial antipsychotic in a low dosage alongside my antidepressant.
I feel like it finally makes sense as to why I keep ending up at crisis point.
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Okay, I may be opening a can of worms here, but…
What do you think about the term ‘service user’?
Discuss? 👇
Ps. Not sure I’m a fan.
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Stopped at Tesco near the MBU.
The last time I was here, my peer supporter + care-co came with me to buy nappies because I was terrified.
It’s always helpful to look back and see how far we’ve come when we’re still in the middle of the mess.
What a long way I’ve come.
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Some days start well by getting dressed and forcing yourself to start the day and end up sat in bed eating cereal in the afternoon.
It’s okay to be proud of the progress you’ve made, even if you didn’t do everything you wanted to.
I think it’s important to remember that.
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My husband text me this photo today with the caption “You’re such a good mum”
I wonder how often we miss the beauty in the mundane because the cloud of depression dampens it.
I hope this encourages you that the light is still pouring in.
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I am spiralling. I can feel myself slipping into crisis. I don’t know what to do.
Just seen my GP about something I thought would be nothing and need to have a biopsy taken.
I just feel like I can’t catch a break & now I need the safety of admission, I don’t have it.
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Breakfast at the local cafe this morn. Might look like a normal social outing to anyone else, but was huge for us.
Be careful with your words. A lady loudly shouted ‘she looks like a young child herself!’ It made me feel insecure.
I was trying to blend in AND I’m 31!
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It shouldn’t be so hard to just try and stay alive.
The constant battle between wanting to be here for them, not wanting to be here myself.
Feeling a little lighter and then trying to constantly push down the loudest voice telling me to die.
So dramatic.
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Update: it’s awful here, I mean awful. I am in a much better place and been able to pinpoint the cause of my spiral. I’m no longer suicidal.
The rating of safety is inadequate and they’re holding me but saying I’m in informal patient when we want home based treatment.
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Sometimes it’s harder to walk on by, but every time I do, it’s progress. It’s healing. It’s strength.
Every time YOU don’t give in to an urge, it’s a huge deal, and no, it doesn’t matter how many times it’s happened before.
These illnesses are hard, but please, keep fighting.
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Tonight I had a conversation with someone about my mental health. They shared their journey with me and I didn’t know how to open up.
“So tell me about Zachary..”
That’s my stillborns name. It meant so much to me and I’m sure they have no idea
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Pregnancy after loss, during a pandemic with anxiety and PTSD flaring up on a daily basis.
Patience, (lots of!!!) reassurance, compassion and empathy got me through this time. Professionals that saw me as a loss mum + not just another number.
More than just another statistic.
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stood at this bridge and imagined how it could end all the pain.
Collected my prescription and walking past it again and spending time there.
My ideation is crippling today, but I’ve kept myself safe so far, and for that I can be proud.
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I’ve had a beautiful moment on the ward. Met a lovely woman who is unwell. We spoke about faith, she asked me to pray and made the decision to reconnect with Jesus.
This is a rough journey, but I’m thankful to be a broken vessel that hopefully brings a tiny spark of hope. ✨
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I had the most beautiful, overwhelming and validating experience today when my psychologist shared her formulation of everything we’d discussed.
Suddenly I didn’t feel as broken, like it wasn’t my fault maybe and that I’ve done amazingly to fight through it all.
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Just had my visit from HTT. They’ve said my bed should be ready tomorrow and it’ll be at my local unit.
What a relief.
One more night to get through.
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I can tell I’ve made progress - tonight I read my daughters bedtime story with eagerness and we stopped and asked each other questions.
In the thick of my PND, I was monotone and desperate to get through until I could no longer do bedtimes.
This is progress.
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I’m introducing you to the other midwife that delivered Z.
This is Angela. She treated me w/ compassion, delicacy, offered photos and gave postnatal advice in the midst of a pandemic.
She passed away this year and it’s a tragedy that others won’t experience her authentic soul
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Update: home treatment team have just left me a voicemail. I have an appointment with their consultant psychiatrist today.
I’m terrified.
I keep telling myself, I MUST be honest. 😩
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Why is it when you feel like your head is finally getting above the water another wave comes and pushes you back down?
Had bad news and now I’m spiralling into risk. I was given a discharge date of Monday this morning and now I’m here.
I feel like I’ve gone backwards
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I really believe some people are supposed to be a part of your journey. Paths were supposed to cross + stories were meant to be shared.
Perinatal peer support turned friend, + one I’m extremely thankful for.
Regular catch ups that are good for the soul ❤️
@christyleighpsw
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Just because I believe in being honest with this account. I’m struggling to want to be here at the moment and it’s difficult.
Just trying to take it moment by moment.
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Well, that was a fun day 😅 Fainted and whacked my head on my side table. 👌
Please do what you say you will. When we have to repeatedly ask for meds/aspects of care, it can reinforce negative beliefs (I’m a burden)
I understand things are busy, don’t promise if not possible.
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She was unaware of the path after.
Didn’t know grief, being a bereaved mum with, attempting to end life, feel worthless, too much. That it would endure for so long.
I’ll never be her, but I hope the woman I’m becoming will look back + say “I am here and I matter”
+ so do you
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Ps. I’d just like to say that I’d like to start sending out the pages once they are decorated.
Once complete, I will post them and if you’d like them, if you comment an emoji I’ll do a random generator and send out to whoever it is!
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The power of a listening ear.
The power of validation.
The power of holding hope for someone when they don’t have it themselves.
That’s the kind of power that can save a life.
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I’ve never felt so many extremes of ups and downs. When I’m down, I become impulsive and unsafe.
I honestly fear I will die within the next few weeks if we’re not able to stabilise my mood.
I have no idea what on earth is going on.
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I don’t usually highlight these kinds of comments, but this is why people die by suicide and then people are surprised.
I’m a Christian. I pray. Believing in Jesus doesn’t give me an easy road.
Our feelings are valid. It’s powerful to acknowledge our struggles.
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You know when you’ve been suffering w/ mental illness for a long time + support starts dropping?
Well I’m here to tell you, I see you. The pain you feel, the weight you still carry, the smile you paint on + the thoughts you battle.
I see you + I am you.
Keep going ❤️
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