The Emperor Of Umlazi
@MaBlerh
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#LongLiveAkhumziJezile Welcome. We're all about peace, laughter, mutual respect and most importantly, kindness here. 📍Bookings: [email protected]
South Africa
Joined April 2009
As a Black person, when you encounter a person mopping (especially a lady) in a building or supermarket and you NEED to pass there, there is a process:. 1. You bow your head.2. You apologise sincerely .3. You become a ballerina.
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Another problem with having kids is that it doesn't end. You'll be in your 70s trying to enjoy your last days on earth in peace and a 40 year old man will look at you in the eye and call you Baba/Ma. Hhayi leave me alone. 😭.
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This might be beneficial for the mom but not necessarily for the baby. I'm that baby, let me explain:. - You spend your 30s burying your entire family. - The age gap between you and your siblings/cousins makes it a bit difficult to connect. 60 year old cousins.
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In high school, we all had that "my husband is rich and I don't have to be here" teacher and she was everyone's fave. 😁.
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I know all the adults will agree with me on this one: The paper towel is the unsung hero of the kitchen.
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Women are not wired to nag. If you are constantly being nagged in a relationship, it means you are constantly not doing what you said you will do and you're aren't communicating as to why you haven't done it yet. My 2c.
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This kid would be a brilliant teacher. He just solved the mystery (for me) of how people do this dance in under 30 seconds. I will see you guys at groove! 😤.
Another day another #Southaaaa talented child taking their place in the world 🇿🇦🇿🇦🇿🇦🇿🇦🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 @bikosmanna teaching @JHudShow #TswalabamDance we are gone.
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In my younger days, I would have written a long list. Now that I'm grown and wiser, the answer is NOTHING. Most parents do their best instilling discipline, respect, kindness, etc and still a turd comes out.
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Johannesburg is such an interesting place. You can live within a 10km radius with someone you know and not see them for 2 years. Not even bump into them at the shops.
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The greatest hater to grace South African television. I see y'all talk about having haters. Y'all know NOTHING about haters. S'dumo had a hater. 😅
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WITHOUT GOOGLING.Name a famous historic battle.
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- 40/50 year old nephews/nieces. - Listening to shared family memories that you're not a part of. - Grandparents that you never really met. It's not cool.
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I'm terrified of gas. I don't want a gas stove or heater. I know y'all say it is safe but no.
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Watching Trevor Noah move from an RGB presenter to a global A-list celebrity is the most incredible thing I have witnessed in the entertainment industry. He started and clocked the game in front of our eyes. Mind blowing. 🔥.
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Me at the start of the decade vs. Me at the end of the decade. 🙆🏽♂️
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Won a Safta for acting, Presented, Produced and directed major TV shows all this before the age of 30. He was gonna run this industry. But ke. 🙁
What’s RAW TALENT that never reached its potential?.
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Favorite tweet of your own?.
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Being an overthinker is actually a cruel condition to live with. There is never peace up there. From the moment you open your eyes in the morning, your brain goes at 300km/h. Trash.
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Day naps are important. December day naps are important-er.
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One of the biggest scams in humanity is men convincing women that cooking is a woman's job and then running the culinary industry. 😅.
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Today, 3 years ago, a 38 year old male who travelled to Italy with his wife. 😭.
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Akhumzi was the most chaotic friend I had. I hate chaos and he brought it to my doorstep every chance he could. I once sat at an award show being televised with someone on my lap. Why? Because Akhumzi said "don't worry chomam, sizongena sonke" and sangena SONKE. I miss him. 🤣.
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This dance is SO COOL but TOO MANY joints are utilised. 😩
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I remember buying them and this sweet White lady said, "my doggie loves these", I responded with "mine too" whilst thinking, "ma'am this is going on top of my samp. My dog wishes." 😅.
Amathambo ase Woolies have so much meat in them 🤤 In bone broth heaven.
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This infectious laughter was taken away from us on this day, 5 years ago. You are still missed and loved Jez. 🕊️
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Guys, what is the thought process behind driving into a complex/estate with your volume on full blast?. Maybe, let me rephrase, what is the desired outcome? Do you want us to come out and dance? Do you want us to applaud your taste in music? What is it? 🤷🏾♂️.
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At this point, as South Africans, we are faking the festive spirit. What are we gonna do this December that we haven't been doing all year? Angilwi, just asking.
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This thing of panning your cameras at groove and posting on social media needs to be addressed. 1. Y'all are breaking the law by filming people without permission. 2. Some people are actually not there. They are at home sleeping and y'all are providing contrary evidence. 😔.
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S/O to the friends that handle the dishes after you invite them over and cook for them. ❤️.
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Guys, quick question…. What engine is under the bonnet of the Kwid? It can’t be what is advertised. Kwid drivers are out here doing the most. They are on the fast lane sitting on the bumpers of German cars screaming MOOOOOOOVE! 🤣.
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The South African Linguistic Stand Off:. Me: "sawubona".Tswana Lady: "dumela, le kae".Me: "ngikhona. Akhona amaqhwa?".Her: "a fedile. Checka ko bottle store.".Me: "ngiyabonga.". Nobody is budging. I love it. 😅.
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Ladies, stay far away from any man that casually refers to women as "iyfebe" (even as a "joke"). Udoti we-stuff. 🤞🏼.
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Tonight we celebrated a birthday, Osama going 4x Platinum and Imali going Platinum. ❤️. 📷: @KagisoPhaswana
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People with kids will call you at 7am to chat on a Saturday because their kids woke them up at 5am and 7am feels like midday to them. It's 7am, silele bakithi. 😭.
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Dear Joggers,. No need to force yourself to run again when you approach us sitting on balconies. We saw you walking. No pressure. No judgement. We get it, you're tired. It happens. 🤣.
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ULwesine, umhlaka 2. A big day in South African social media. Those who know, know. 😅.
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TWITTER: Will attend all the family meetings, contribute and plan the wedding. FACEBOOK: Will arrive on Friday in overalls and amaphinifa with sharp knives to slaughter, chop veggies and cook. INSTAGRAM: Will arrive on Saturday morning and ask where is VIP. #KFCProposal.
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The voice notes coming out of KwaZulu-Natal these elections are comedy gold. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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His name is Siphesihle Vazi, her name is Siphetheni Ncube. They met when Vazi employed her as his helper. Today, we are here celebrating the launch of her book, Ngoneni. Vazi assisted her and is her publisher. These are some of the beautiful untold stories of our industry. ❤
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Me trying to meditate:. My brain: "You know you're out of onions right? Plus those shoes that you thought you lost in 2018, they are in that box in the garage. Oh, remember to get light bulbs. Also, Sister Bettina! HIBIRI!".
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My cousin always complained that I dress like a rock star at family funerals. Her words, "bakithi kushoniwe, awuyena uMaBlerh la". The day of her funeral, the hearse splatted mud on all over my outfit and I had to go change. I will never meet another petty woman like that one. 😒.
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How I became friends with Akhumzi? He came up to me at an event and said "I like you. We are friends now.". The next day he was in my house. I had absolutely no say in it. He happened to me. 🤣.
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It's rough elokshini. This one slaughtered a cow and a goat and 90% of the hood didn't attend. Why? She doesn't attend other people's mcimbis. She had to bury a lot of the meat. Clearly, they've beeeeeeen waiting for her to host. 😭.
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Champagne life is causing a mess in South Africa. I went to a restaurant and there was a section only for people who buy a bottle of champagne or VSOP with their food. I understand this vibe at a club but not at a restaurant.
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I grew up elokshini but now it overwhelms me. I was there for two days and I am drained. Too much happens too quickly for me to handle. Friday night my cousin got drunk and fell off a wall fence and landed on his face. Saturday, someone stole a cooler box and ran. KUNINGI! 😭.
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ZULU PEOPLE, please gather under this tweet. When I tell you that my tummy hurts and I have a mild headache from laughing, I'm not lying. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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Almost everyone is holding it together with cotton thread, salotape and rope. They are keeping it cute but ziyakhala. Do the same. 🤷🏿♂️.
as you got older you realised?.
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REMINDER: The price of eggs did not go down after that shortage. Nathi we just accepted it and moved on. 🤦🏾♂️.
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Ndu, I'd rather be slow cooked all day and fall off the bone by 6pm than feel cold. Winter is a horrific time. Nothing can convince me otherwise.
Can’t believe some of y’all wanted to get rid of winter and now we’re here smh.
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There is absolutely no way that South Africa is a real place. Guys, I swear, we are in a dark comedy series and we are not aware. 🤞🏾🤣
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Right now, in this current economic climate, having kids is not living within your means. It's a reckless financial decision. Y'all can fight me but, deep down, y'all know it's true. 🤷🏿♂️. 😅.
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Yazi we have actually lived through wild times. Remember when you had to meet up with someone in town and there were no cellphones? All you could do was get there and wait in faith. Couldn’t check how far the person is or whether they are still coming. Just faith. 😭.
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What we did today is not gonna cut it against the All Blacks. I'm sorry.
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The Durban Indian accent is tricky, most people who do accents always get it wrong. Siphosethu is the first Black person I have heard nailing it. The rhythm and flow. Perfect. 👌🏾.
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D*SCHEM RULES:. 1. Know EXACTLY what you are going to buy. 2. Know EXACTLY which isle the item(s) is/are in. Ask by the door if you are not sure. 3. Don't look around! DO NOT!.4. Pick up items and go straight to the tills. Follow me for more money saving tips. 💡.
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Talking to a friend who is a parent on the phone is an experience. Her: "Okay friend let's meet no baby put that down! Sorry friend. He grabbed the vase. As I was saying let's HHAYI BO NGIZOKUSHAYA!".
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If you know, you know! Do not explain it to them. 🤭
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Don't you hate it when you start yelling the things your parents used to yell? Things that annoyed you as a kid. I just yelled "umuntu owonyiwe akaphuze amanzi, ngeke ngithenge i-Oros every 3 days!" . I'm disgusted! 🤮.
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Dear White Fellow South Africans,. When Black people flag something as RACIST, that is not a call for you to swoop in and evaluate whether it is or not. We know racism at connoisseur level. This arrogance and lack of emphathy needs to stop in 2018. Thanks,.Black South Africans.
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Yesterday I stepped into my position as the Cold Room Chief Operations Officer. I was also MD of the Bedroom with the "Hot Stuff". Molto-talented. 😁
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Mr Bheka Mthimkhulu: The first Black South African man I saw talking on the phone outside in the streets. My mind was blown! I also wanted a cordless phone that I could go outside with. 😭
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The young ones have a soft life and I love it for them. At 10 besengithunywa edrobheni ngedwa. 😅.
My daughter asked me to teach her how to make coffee so she can make for me on the weekends that they are with me 🥹 but I’m scared she’ll hurt herself. What’s the right age guys? She’s turning 10 in Nov.
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Maybe it's just me but calling someone by their sthakazelo (clan name) is a bit flirtatious. Before y'all attack me, I repeat, maybe it's just me. 😅.
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Autumn, you useless cow! How do you always allow Winter to bully you every year!? You are supposed to be performing on stage right now and yet Winter is up there twerking. Fight for your spot! Grow a pair! 😒.
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Y'all remember when Beyoncé told the Hive to stop harassing people online and they told her to mind her own business? That is the wildest fan base. 😅.
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You guys look like brothers. Maps the last born that dabbles with everything, leaves it halfway but gets full support from the parents. Currently, is a photographer. You are the doctor who lives in JHB. Siz hates the both of you because he is the eldest that had to sacrifice. 😁.
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If you know what was going on in this video, may you have a beautiful Sunday. 🙂
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Everyday in South Africa, telemarketers test how well we were brought up. 😭.
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I can't believe that we are that generation that has been tasked with having front row seats to the demise of South Africa. We are watching everything with 3D glasses. 😔.
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Do not let Instagram fool you. Adulting is showing most of us, if not all, flames. People are drinking daily or on anti-depressants or on anxiety meds or on weed or have become workaholics just to cope. You are not alone. Hang in there.
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My mom's problems are different and somehow they become my problems. Latest problem: She saw that some members of Ncandweni Christ Ambassadors are missing in the latest video. Now I must find out what happened. I must find her the number of the group leader. 😑.
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Let me tell you what it’s like to host #RHODurban Reunion:. I feel like I am married to 8 women who are constantly fighting. I left them in KZN. Once a year I come home to mediate. Our children (you guys on Twitter) are divided. Some believe I am an amazing dad & some hate me. 😭.
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This video gave me my best laugh of 2018 so far. The shuffle when the chorus came back! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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If you live alone, a smart watch is a NEED. One that you wear all the time, including when you go to bed. Link it to one or two friends. Switch on “fall detection” and “heart rate monitoring”. This has saved lives.
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It must be so wild when you are turning 40 and one of your class mates from high school that is now a footballer is turning 31.
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The catering at Gauteng funerals really represents the occasion. You can tell from the way the food is prepared that this is not a celebration, something tragic happened here.
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Apologies to everyone in my mentions that I ignored the past few weeks about this subject. The cat was still in the bag. Yeah, I am back. 😁 #RHODurban
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Just took my nephew out for breakfast. I was wearing flip flops and shorts. Him: "you old nigg*s are brave yoh. You'd never see me out in public with my toes out.". Human beings should have stopped giving birth in 1999. 😒.
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As 35+ year olds, we are excited to be vaccinated because we have buried friends and family. We have young kids, houses, businesses and families that we support. This pandemic took a lot from us. Are we being paid to promo the vaccine? No. We just have a lot to lose. Simple.
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“Every dog has its day and today is Tuesday, mgodoyi!”
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@Imprint_ZA Oh definitely, there is a benefit to having an older mom. She was calm, stern, fair, etc. She didn't hover. She had experience. ❤️.
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Today, my heart goes out to all the IT guys across South African companies. Instead of doing important IT department things, they are dealing with an influx of "I forgot my login details, please assist.".
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:. This is how you call out a phone number in South Africa:. 1. First Three Digits.2. Second Three Digits.3. Last Four Digits. Thanks.
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“Kodwa nawe ke. 😒” is a very important part of a real friendship.
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“Ithi awazi” remains the most iconic South African tweet ever. 🤣. For those of you that are new here, this girl tweeted about a house song that features Brian Temba. Brian responded telling her that no such song exists to which she responded, “ithi awazi”. 🤣🤣.
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Happy 31st birthday Birthday Akhumzi. To us, you still live on and we will celebrate you! ♥️
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Zulu People and announcing "ngizokushaya" after they have done it. 🙈.
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You would have been 35 today. A posthumous happy birthday to you mnganam. ❤️🕊️
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Having a toddler visit your house when you're not a parent is a terrifying experience. Why? You have nice and fragile things that aren't broken. Everyone is having a good time and you're watching that baby's EVERY move! 😭.
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I remember the first time I heard my mom speak English. Like a full conversation. I was 16 and she was speaking to a bank manager on West Street. I was flabbergasted! She spoke it better than me and I had never heard speak around the house. I assumed she couldn't. 🤣🤣🤣.
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:. Today is 1 December 2022. Birthday season is officially closed. We shall resume on 1 February 2023. We thank you for participation in wishing people a happy birthday in 2022. Regards,.Management.
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Winter is trying so hard to pull an "oh and one more thing. ". Just go bra. 😏.
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I don't know who needs to hear this but when we are on the way to your place and we ask, "do you have ice?", the 24 ice cubes in your 2 ice trays is NOT ice.
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- Leaving the house at night. - Bathtubs.- Food with too many flavours.- Beverages with sugar.- Jeans.- Sudden movements/noise around me.- Loud music when I'm eating.- White/cream decor.- People who are proud of being rude/mean.- Malva pudding.
What are y’all starting to dislike more & more the older you get?.
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Whether you believe it or not, there are people born to live a soft life. Their things are aligned that way. They do very little to nothing at all and everything falls into place.
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