LowBudgetMuthafucka
@LowBudgetMofo
Followers
2,989
Following
619
Media
5,491
Statuses
113,916
Eight miles high. I'm probably not gonna follow you back.
Joined April 2021
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Pinned Tweet
Maybe hitting my head on a diving board would fix me
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A concert ticket should come with a t shirt, you heard me
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Yeah I use, logic and reasoning, and occasionally, drugs
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Just heard a guy say "to add salt to injury" oof
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Drawing a teardrop tattoo on my porch goose so the neighbourhood kids fuckin know what's up
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Some people are just so talented. Not me or you, but others.
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Go out and touch the wet cold disgusting grass it'll be good for you
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The people who've gone to the grocery store literally every fucking day for the last 18 months are upset that they called an election during a pandemic.
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If you'd have told me 30 years ago that I'd be a bird watcher I'd punch you in the face, but motherfucker, I am a bird watcher
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Imagine having 14 tattoos and refusing the vaccine
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My retirement plan is to just drop dead somewhere
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I'm really good in small settings. And big settings. I'm just kidding, you can't take me anywhere.
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The fact that babies are born with full sized eyeballs is why I don't trust em
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I like how everybody hates each other. It's nice.
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Good luck finding a bear that's going to put up with your bullshit no wait baby come back
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You can use your eclipse glasses to stare at the sun anytime, nobody checks
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I wouldn't fight Mike Tyson til he's been dead at least 2 years just saying
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I'm masking forever. You gotta pay to see this face.
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Detroit style pizza means it was dropped in the parking lot
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I'm making spirits bright you dumb motherfucker
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Everybody's job is bullshit, ask anyone with a job
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My best parenting tip? Swaddle. Babies love the swaddle. Wrap those fuckers up like a tight little burrito of silence. Then release them when they're 18. Good luck.
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Hear me out, a cult that lives in the woods, but just for sensible people who've had enough.
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A school bus that picks up kids but like the mechanical arm on a garbage truck.
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Anything can be an ashtray if you don't give a fuck
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You know what would hit the spot right now, about 3 more hours of fucking daylight
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Yeah sometimes I repeat myself, I'm old. And sometimes I repeat myself.
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Bologna is the "here ya fuckin go" of lunchmeats.
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Can you hear it Clarice, the screaming of the turkeys
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You : good morning
Me : please I don't want to be involved
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There's a lot of really good people in the world I mean not here, not you guys, but out there probably
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Motherfuckers be like "remember these" and post a picture of a pen.
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I try to be a friend to all animals even the ugly and stupid ones
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*setting up tombstones in the backyard*
Jim : getting ready for Halloween?
Me : hallowhatnow?
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We need a Disney princess about 45 years old and STACKED
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Drop a picture of your titties that look like an album cover
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I heard Joe Rogan has eaten 17 bags of dicks during his course of treatment
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Imagine being mad that anyone makes $20 an hour in 2024 and that it's too much. You're a piece of shit.
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Who's up for a few light misdemeanor charges tonight
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*94K tweets later* I'm really a very private person
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You can just say you were a boy scout, nobody checks
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Hospitals full, Arby's now taking in car crash victims
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Like a year and a half ago I thought "maybe when people see friends and family dying in front of them they'll take it seriously," anyway, I guess not.
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You can't be mad at everybody. Believe me, I've tried.
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I guess a Will Smith celebrity roast is out of the question
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I believe in science. Ok, and maybe bigfoot for funsies.
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White people will cry about a hookah lounge in their neighbourhood then go to an axe throwing bar
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Might apply for federal disaster relief I mean look at me
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How many people has the Space Force put into space so far, zero, great job everyone, here's another patch.
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Ethel Merman implies the existence of isopropyl mermaid
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Enjoying twitter? Someone will be along shortly to ruin that for ya.
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Oh great every store is completely out of lambs blood
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X Files : skip intro?
Me : no thanks, play that bitch
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*at the job interview* any questions?
Me : how many tweet breaks per hour
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My favourite thing about Twitter, the lack of reward, I guess.
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I saw a skunk eating a waffle at the side of the road, his hair was perfect
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I just wanna dig up some ancient artifact that instantly drives me insane
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They haven't called it autumn since 1792. Grow up.
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Oh, you got a DM from a bot with no followers, be sure to screenshot it to shame absolutely nobody queen
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Her lips were crimson, like a cardboard McDonald's french fry sleeve
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*educating my kids* and if the party starts to smell like daddy you leave immediately ok
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Sorry babe, the slayer shirt stays on when I swim
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*during sex*
Me : hang on, I gotta tweet this
Her : you're going to tweet that you're having sex?
Me : what? No, I have a joke
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For twenty bucks I'll show up at the end of your work day and carry you to your car officer and a gentleman style
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Nobody ever thanks Canada for the massive amounts of fresh clean air we usually pump down there, fuck off
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Hummingbirds are cool as shit, they should be like, 50 times that size
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So the Flintstones had glass for eyeglasses but not for windows. Bullshit.
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Fuck pumpkin spice, I want a clam chowder latte.
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"It is safe to go into the ocean" who wrote this, a motherfucking shark, that's who.
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There's a sparrow at the finch feeder and a finch at the sparrow feeder, absolute chaos.
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We can't agree whether zombies are fast or slow, how we ever gonna agree on anything else
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THERE'S NOBODY NAMED MARSHALL TUCKER IN THE MARSHALL TUCKER BAND, I AM FUCKIN DONE
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The sexual tension between the moon and the oceans
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