Michael Longfellow
@Longfellowww
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947
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108
Statuses
997
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Girl...
Ok but I am positive SNL has never hired a hot man
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Phillip
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Comedy shows over 90 minutes should be charged with kidnapping and held accountable in federal court.
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Smackin some Helldivers 2 here 🫡
Kristen’s finally home and her dressing room is just as she left it
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Joyous 🙏
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I have no proof my parents ever met
This joke was supposed to be on TV but Jeff Foxworthy made me nervous and I forgot to do this friggin punchline 🙃😤
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Got decked by the champ 💪
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Ah yes, the day after an edible. I am high but I am not. I am rested but I am not. I can read but I cannot.
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Dying in space is the coolest because you die and then you just do flips forever
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All time Longfellow moment thank you to my beloved
@Dbacks
- threw a slider in the dirt but batter bit. Solid 💪 🐍🐍🐍
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Divorce can be sad but one time my stepdad bought tickets to Ironmaiden for him and my mom but my mom wanted a divorce so I got to go with him instead. that time divorce freakin ripped
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"Can you imagine doing anything but comedy" yea man I'm pretty smart I can imagine way harder stuff than that. I just imagined my dad as a lizard with jewelry on and thats way harder what are you talking about
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nice 👏
I spent a month doing mini oil paintings of the SNL cast, so here's all of them in one thread!
Michael Longfellow & Andrew Dismukes
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IS THIS WHAT TWITTER BEEF IS?!?!?
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Momma I'm a GIF
Michael
@Longfellowww
's spot-on impression of a former Broadway play director that now manages a Red Lobster.
#CONAN
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Security guard at the bank said I could take my mask off if I wanted haha nice try buddy but this isn't my first robbery
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I will buy all 13 gifts I need to buy in one trip to the mall today or my name isn’t fucking dumb idiot guy
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She's a 10 but she can't name a single monster truck not even gravedigger :(
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My 90 year old neighbor that only speaks German knocks on my door sometimes for help but only likes my gf so if I answer she says "other" and I say "yes other is here I will go get her"
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If Bill and Melinda can't make a cold, sexless marriage work, who can? Discouraging.
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AMERICA!
NEED YOUR VOTES TO KEEP TELLING JOKES!
Click the link below and vote up to 10 TIMES
Or
Type in
#funnyvotemichael
right here on Twitter
LOVE YOU!
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Two weeks using dandruff shampoo and still no dandruff what a fucking joke
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Moms boyfriend is watching Bill Burr in the living room hoping to connect rn I believe
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Sharks are ugly and humans are sexy. They don't eat us as much as they could cuz they're nervous 👉👈
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Me and my local Starbucks employees are friends
My favorite is Amy. She is a mom and has been doing “good” for the past 673 days
Haha oh Amy
Eric sucks fuck u Eric
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Dilberts ready
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Damn I wonder if he’ll advance -
The finale of
@bringthefunny
is tonight 10/9c!
#BringTheFunny
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Now that I'm 27 it's hard to believe I was ever 26. Just doesn't seem like something I would do.
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Me to my girlfriend after grabbing a thing off a tall shelf once every two months:
“u would die without me 😏”
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Going to smoke sativa rn. Any contact over the next few hours will be received as a direct attack for some reason
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When I get married u don’t have to dress ur baby up in a lil suit I promise I won’t look at ur baby in baby clothes and be like “he could’ve dressed up for this”
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If I saw Bo Burnham at the park I would be like "well Mr. Burnham good to see you OUTside haha hey my names Michael I actually do comedy too 🤝"
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I made a cake and ate it the way I’ve always dreamed of
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Are we still aloud to check the eggs to see if ones cracked before we buy the eggs
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Have been dating one lady for three years today pretty crazy how good of a guy I am
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*signing in at the gym*
Gym guy: What’s your last name?
Me: Longfellow
Gym guy: Bro I’m hungover can you just tell me your real last name plz
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Well folks, tonight’s the night
If the judges don’t send me through I’ll need you to get involved and vote me in.
Whatever happens, thanks for the love so far - it’s been felt and is wildly appreciated
Ok. More jokes on
@bringthefunny
tonight 10/9c
#bringthefunny
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Writing tip:
Write everyday. Even if its just one word a day. Doesn’t sound like a lot but at the end of a week? Bam that’s 7 words
Go get em
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Just waved at a fire truck
They waved back
Unprofessional imo
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Tambourine man on Suicide is Painless nails his cue live in concert
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Just ate a salad while driving I’m getting so LA lol only killed 2
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LA is telling people you are shy but with pink shoes on
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Best part of being a stand up?
Being someone that is pathetically addicted to the feeling of an entire room going "haha you are good" and getting to hide this humiliating truth by being like "this is art" and the world actually believes you
Also the camaraderie
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I thought comedy was filling the vast emptiness inside of me but after receiving unemployment consistently during the pandemic I understand that money works fine for that too probably better actually
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👀👀🙂
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“Paper or plastic”
Paper
“We’re out of paper”
Oh just a fist fight then thank u
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Convinced myself you hated me but then you liked a tweet of mine and now I can't wait for our future man big stuff comin for us me and you dog me and you
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“good luck” is a tremendous way to remind me I’m about to do something that could go terribly
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Yo not all of us that wear fox hats with horns glued on them are like that guy
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You have anxiety all wrong, it is actually a superpower. Just hiked a whole mountain and cannot remember a second of it
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Put money into chicken stock last night and now it's just wet I don't get this
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Rappers are always saying "teachers said I wouldn't be shit" but for me it's more "teachers expressed a firm belief in me from the beginning and I can't help but feel I've let them down"
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Day 20
“You guys wanna walk to CVS I need floss”
“Oh FUCK YEA dude”
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Telling my dad Jeff Dunham sucks is the best I can do as far confronting his politics
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Corona is powerful, yes
But the reason I do not have sex with my girlfriend
Is and always be
God ❤️
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Moms boyfriend wants to bang my mom AND be my friend hey buddy let's pick a lane here!
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Little League Coaches:
You all suck
Eat shit
Your parents hate you
Ok let’s get a “have fun” on 3
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Look at this nice guy that will be on
@nbcbringthefunny
NEXT WEEK but will be watching his friends on the premier TONIGHT. Look at him, jacket all tan with zippers like a damn grown up - atta way kid - 10/9c
#BringTheFunny
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I eat fig newtons every fkn day. I fear this will cost me dearly
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Taking a break from “comedy” and moving into “assaulting others and stealing what they have on their person” Wild times. Be safe out there.
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Damn Facebook targeted ads sorry I ever dogged you you’re right this is fire 🔥🔥🔥
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When you see someone getting picked on, refrain from intervening. You know nothing of the situation, could be a nerd.
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Some people like to catch the fish and eat it but I prefer to catch the fish, name it, throw it back in the lake and then every time I drive by go "that's where Bob lives"
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