Leen McBeans ꪜ
@LeenMcBeans
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13,779
Following
6,998
Media
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Statuses
42,408
✨Good intentions, questionable methods✨ Recovering academic. Mother of Dad Jokes. A third fun sounding thing. 🏳️🌈
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Joined January 2015
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Pinned Tweet
I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women are only in their “prime” during their 20s. Like, what? Excuse me, but I checked the math and that is blatantly false.
Women are also prime at 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97.
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If you didn’t have a Good Friday that’s okay cause neither did Jesus it sounds
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I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
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I just want to understand my body’s logic when it’s like “I’M SO HUNGRY LET ME HIT YOU WITH NAUSEA ABOUT IT”
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I don’t tell people if I’ve already seen a meme, especially if it’s a good one and I know they sent it because they thought of me. I simply heart react it like a goddamn gentleman
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You guys, do kids these days even KNOW what to do if they have a structured settlement but they need cash now???
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I’m sorry your job is your sole identity but have you considered this is why you’re a miserable human?
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Fuck being busy. To hell with hustle culture. I wanna lay in a hammock sharing snacks and making my friends laugh at weird stupid shit until we cry
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Welcome to Twitter. Someone will be replying literally to your joke tweet shortly
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When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
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Recently heard a guy say that I was unapproachable.
Wondering what to do now that I’ve reached my ultimate goal in life so soon.
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Hey. You’re funny. I like you. We should be friends and never hang out but send memes
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Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
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I have the humor of a divorced dad but also have nice tits. Apparently this is a confusing mix for some folks.
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
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FINE I will relent and pronounce Geoff like Jeff but listen here I will NEVER pronounce gif like jif you monsters
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I’m so used to rude creeps online that it seems to have pushed me into having a full blown kink for polite thoughtful men.
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Me in my 20s: how much drugs is too much drugs?
Me in my 30s: can I overdose on ginger???
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I know this is a wild concept but not every person on Twitter wants to fight you. Some of us just want to post or repost funny shit that makes life a little lighter. Move along.
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You mean to tell me there are brains that don’t naturally default to self-sabotage mode when it gets too quiet?
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Hey internet friends. We haven’t had a good selfie thread for a minute. Drop a selfie and notice someone else’s and tell them how cute they look! Or else (nothin’)
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I will let you keep telling the same stories without saying I’ve heard them before, and will still laugh at the funny parts, because I love you.
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Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
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I hear that thighsday is a thing, which explains why some people are so thirsty I guess.
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It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead.
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There should be an RSVP option for introverts that’s like
☑️ not coming because… people. But please continue inviting me to things because I love feeling included
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Sorry, got excited. Thought you liked me for a minute there.
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Hi! Here’s my face. Share yours and let me tell you how much I enjoy it. ✲ﾟƬʜᵃℕҡ ყօϋ
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A nerd with a dirty sense of humor and a kind heart is the absolute ideal and no one can ever convince me otherwise
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How dare I be a woman online sending out vague thirst tweets without accompanying pictures of my tiddies? How. Dare.
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I hugged a guy goodbye after a date and he commented we were the same height and without hesitation I was like “I like it because I’ll always know where your mouth is” and he was like 😏 and I was like 😏
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The tea I am drinking is named “Throat Coat” and I am not mature enough to handle this.
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Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
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Just tried explaining to a youth that I paid for a Tone-Loc ringtone in 2005. If anyone needs me I’ll be in the nursing home.
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I’m in a hotel room with a good view in an entirely too large bed after getting food & wine delivered and I’m watching forensic files
Happiness and peace can’t always be bought. But tonight? Tonight it was.
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Some older kid called my seven year old nephew gay because he hums to himself when he colors. If he stops humming when he colors now I’m gonna need bail money.
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I’m 36 and I still can’t believe I’m allowed to wander around and do shit without supervision. I have to remind myself I’m in charge of me far too often for a middle aged adult.
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I’m single because when someone goes down on me I refer to it as ✨Eileen Cuisine✨
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If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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people judge sex work like they don’t sell their own bodies and labor to soulless corporate overlords for most their lives tho
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Honestly, flirty banter is genuinely fun, but a lot of guys ruin it when they hit the DMs. And this is part of why we cannot have nice things.
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I’m still waiting on my insurance company to (probably) officially total my car. In the meantime, I’m officially afraid of black ice. Aaaand I’m convinced that I’m bad luck. But anyway, here’s a selfie:
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I don’t know who you think you’re talking to, but I once got 100 RTs on a tweet about my butthole so
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To be honest, I didn’t make life choices as though I would be living past the age of 35.
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“YEAH! FOSTER A LITTER OF MASTIFF PUPPIES!” they said “IT’LL BE FUN!” they said
They were right, but also OMFG 😂😭
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In France, male athletes wear jacquestraps to protect their oui ouis
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When you say “I don’t carrot all” but you actually care a lot. 🥹😭
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Sometimes my selfie face looks like I just told a bad joke. Which is pretty on brand anyway tbh, amirite 😁✨
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I just want to take a moment to warn anyone who followed me because I posted something sexy — y’all signed up for dad jokes and weird shit. There’s still time to correct your mistake. Turn back. Because this ain’t what you’re looking for, my dudes. I promise.
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Life becomes a lot funnier when you stop taking yourself so seriously
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Stop adoring people that ignore you and ignoring people that adore you
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If I send you random memes please know it means “here’s some memes because I’m bad at small talk but enjoy you as a human”
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You know the other stormtroopers wanna hit that so bad and still miss
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The term “man boobs” is cancelled. Moving forward I shall only be referring to them as: 🥔🥔
✨𝙋𝙖 𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙖𝙨✨
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I never grew out of my punk phase. I just have Dr Scholls in my Dr Martens now.
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Me: So how tall are you?
Him: 1.778 meters
Me: *stares blankly in American*
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I misunderstood the meaning of “strip mall” and now I’m not allowed back.
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No one:
Absolutely nobody:
Me alone at 2 AM: GREAT QUESTION I WOULD LOVE TO OVERTHINK THIS THANKS
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Hate to brag, but yesterday I ate one single pringle
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Being able to sit with someone else in comfortable silence is a love language.
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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I’m sorry I just said something horrifically dark that brought the mood down but if you give me a minute I’ll make it funny
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Of course I’m funny, I was an awkward kid with a traumatic childhood.
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Sorry you said something really nice to me and I heart reacted it and said nothing back. I’m still processing it.
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When you date me I become like a McDonald’s ice cream machine.
Meaning that I also go down when you really want me.
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If you tell me to follow you, I am not following you out of spite.
Them’s the rules.
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Anyone wanna loan me $900? I promise I’ll use it wisely
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Lou is turning 90! For every 50 likes, he’ll give some bad life advice
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@SinghSahaaaab
Was I the only one who interpreted this as her waiting for you to ask her in like, some weird outdated way or
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Using Twitter as a dating app seems like using a blender as a glory hole.
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If a Bostonian lost their car keys AND their khakis it would be extra confusing to figure out.
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Hey weirdos. Happy Friday to those that the sentiment means anything to. Anyway, here’s my face
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Selfie Sunday? Show me your faces and let me love em a little extra for you.
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I hate when you waste a really good joke on an unfunny person.
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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I lived 36 years of my life without knowing that a bunch of people refer to weed-wacking as “weed-eating” wtf
Weed eating sounds like you’re having some tasty edibles, not doing yard work
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I used to set rules around what “I love you” meant and when to say it.
Then I got older and got my ass kicked by life, lost people I loved and never got to say it to, and the moral of this rambling story is this: Don’t be stingy with your I love yous. Say it. Show it. Often.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you more awkward at parties but sometimes funnier on Twitter.
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Who decided on the term MILF when they could have called it Oedipussy?
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