Miss Leah ππππππππ
@LeahsLounge
Followers
41,126
Following
27,352
Media
817
Statuses
17,076
providing questionable dating advice β’ retired β’ kids & dog mom β’ new grandmaπ β’ blm β’ safe abortions β’ woke af β’ gardening β’ working down my bucket list
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Joined May 2014
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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ILL BE THERE TODAY
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Pinned Tweet
Dolly Parton wrote βI Will Always Love Youβ and βJoleneβ on the same day and Iβve been βpreparing to vacuumβ for two weeks.
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We should all dress like this when William Shatner returns from space.
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If men could get pregnant, abortions would be available at Jiffy Lube.
~ Betty White
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
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Kaepernick took a knee to end police brutality, Chauvin took a knee to reinforce it.
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My pregnant friend is looking for an old-fashion name. What was your grandma's name - for a chance to win naming the baby...?
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Willie Nelson rescues horses bound for slaughter and lets them live out their lives on his ranch - we lost Betty, but we still have Willie. β₯οΈ
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My dad passed this morning at the U of MN Hospital of esophageal cancer.
He'd never been sick - never smoked, rarely drank, and lived an active lifestyle - until he received this diagnoses in May.
My mom passed a year ago this month of ovarian cancer. I don't have the words...
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Men who can fix things are sexy as fuck.
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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Marijuana should be treated more like wine and less like heroin.
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Really? People are losing their shit about Gwen Berry turning away from the flag at the Olympic trials during the National Anthem.
Whatever.
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I thought my dryer was shrinking my clothes, turns out it was my refrigerator.
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I'm in a heated debate: One space after a period, or two?
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If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
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I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks. Don't they hear the music?
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The cause of rape is rapists.
The cause of rape is rapists.
The cause of rape is rapists.
The cause of rape is rapists.
The cause of rape is rapists.
#TooManyWomen
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So Trump supporters are threatening to leave the country if Biden wins?
Okay, let's find a country with no public healthcare, that's outlawed abortion, and has easy access to guns.
Afghanistan comes to mind. Pack a sweater.
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Using only beer, tell me where you're from...
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Your account's protected?
What the fuck do you tweet, nuclear launch codes?
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I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know
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I'm not signing up for the 401k, there's no fucking way I can run that far.
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Sure sex is great and all, but have you ever voted Trump out of office?
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Me yelling "REPRESENTATIVE!!!" to the automated customer service voice response system.
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Paid all my bills today. Does anyone have any good recipes using water?
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I have a joke about Jonestown, but the punch line is just too long.
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Facebook: Because high school wasn't long enough.
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It's amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka.
Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
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'Houston, we have a problem.
What?
'Nothing.
What's the problem?
'Never-mind.
Please tell us.
'I'm fine.
- first woman on Mars
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, βSee? This is why I chew the furniture.β
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I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink.
~ Matthew 25:35
(offer not valid in Georgia)
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
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For context, I'm GenX - so, caught between worlds.
On Twitter I use one space, but when writing official documents to be published, I use two spaces. Fucking hell, I don't know...?
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In a world full of Kardashians, be a Joan Jett.
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Today, my dad's cancer life-expectancy prognosis moved from months to a few days. He was never sick a day in his life, until his esophageal cancer diagnosis in May.
He's always been my only rock. I've never felt pain like this, never.
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COVID is no joke.
One patient was so brain damaged afterwards he thought he won an election he lost by 7 million votes.
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Whoever invented self-checkout lines completely over-estimated the average human intelligence.
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Cashier at Trader Joe's forgot to say, "I love these" to one of my items; I had to go to the end of line and start over.
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Sorry brain, this is a job for boobs.
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Since my dad died four days ago, I keep re-listening to the last voicemails he left me that are still on my phone.
I'm broken.
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Wait, is Hunter Biden running for President again?
Cry harder MAGAs, CRY HARDER. π
#RacistBiden
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If you think there's nothing better than sex, you've never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
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Every Twitter user:
Joins: βHow do I start using this thing
Now: βHow do I stop using this thing
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PRO TIP: Ring your doorbell on your way to bed at night. This will clear the dogs off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable.
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Seems I'm the only person I know who didn't get COVID. Anyone else?
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1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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Her: Ok you hang up.
Him: No, you hang up first.
Her: No, you first.
Him: No, you first.
NSA: Both of you hang up.
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I didn't sign up for the 401k because there's no way I can run that far.
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I found my old Boom Box!
Anyone have 22 D batteries I can borrow?
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Due to nationwide staffing shortages, anyone dressed as a slutty nurse for Halloween will be required to pick up a shift.
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Today, my daughter successfully completed 30 days of treatment for alcoholism at Hazelden Betty Ford in Center City, Minnesota. β€οΈ
Still a long road ahead, One Day at a Time...
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Breaking: Will Smith will be banned from attending the Oscars for 10 years because of the βharmful behaviorβ he displayed when he slapped the comedian Chris Rock.
Wow. Will Smith has faced more consequences for his actions than Kyle Rittenhouse did.
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Your account's protected?
What the fuck do you tweet, nuclear launch codes?
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My best proof-reading occurs after I hit send.
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@mkraju
Manchin and Sinema are getting ROASTED for voting against the $15 minimum wage, they're in desperate image recovery mode.
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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I go both ways: I like hard AND soft tacos.
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Nobody thought the Revolution would start in Minneapolis
Except Prince
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1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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From a Brazilian ad for condoms π€£π€£π€£
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Relationship Status: Cropping my love life, again.
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Willie Nelson is trending, as he should be...
Willie Nelson rescues horses bound for slaughter and lets them live out their lives on his ranch - we lost Betty, but we still have Willie. β₯οΈ
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To the 26 people always liking my posts, even the bad ones, y'all want anything from the gas station?
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Airplane mode. For people.
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The trouble with being awesome?
Opposites attract.
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If you love something, set it free...
Except if 'It' is a man.
Because he'll get lost,
and won't ask for directions.
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Not to brag, but I finished Netflix.
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This "dry clean only" sweater is about to learn some harsh truths about living with me.
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I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks. Don't they hear the music?
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I'm looking up at the sky realizing I have no fucking clue which cloud has all my data.
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I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks. Don't they hear the music?
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Learn cursive, they said. You'll need it your whole life, they said.
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@itssnyawan
We really need the Twitter challenge for this reason alone - it's actually painful to watch Jess have zero self-respect.
She's doomed to be in an abusive relationship unless she's slapped upside the head with facts. And sadly, maybe even then.
#LoveIsland
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Anal bleaching; because some assholes need to lighten up.
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Whenever I wake and find my panties hanging from a chandelier, I wonder how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?
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In a parallel Universe, Princess Diana is Queen Diana today.
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You know you fucked up when Switzerland picks a side.
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Dear Kyle Rittenhouse,
I will buy you a first class ticket to Ukraine to go defend some property.
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Ukrainians telling a Russian warship to go fuck themselves is by far braver than any trucker sniveling about the vaccine.
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Ignore a girl, you'll get laid.
Ignore a woman, someone else will get laid.
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My mother passed this morning of ovarian cancer.
Thank you to all those who offered support as I navigated my way through this, it helped. β€οΈ
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Itβs not so much βdatingβ, but more like fostering men until they find their forever homes.
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I mean, shouldn't treason be investigated as thoroughly as a blow job?
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You can thank Gen X for ending the ironing of clothes.
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There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
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Men who can fix things are sexy as fuck.
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Why buy it for $8.00 when you can make it yourself in less than five days with $96.00 worth of craft supplies.
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I don't know why Brad Pitt and Robert Redford are trending - two of the hottest men alive - but I'm here for it. All night long please.
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Being a caretaker for a parent dying of cancer is so fucking trying, frustrating, maddening, and exhausting.
I'm so tired and just needed to bitch for a moment...
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My truck has a jellyfish launcher. π€πΌπ
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They say 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40 - but for me, 9PM is the new midnight.
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