London Marmite
@LaurenNotLozza
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Following
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Media
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Statuses
21,466
Advertising corporate girlie. Used to write about dating. My favourite type of men are ramen.
London
Joined February 2009
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Bridget Jones on channel 5. She was 32. Weighed under 10 stone. Lived in her own flat in Central London but was apparently a fat failure.
A madness
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Thalidomide wasn't a vaccine and it was produced in a time that smoking was considered good for you
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Six years since that lad tried to invoice me for a shit date
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I am so many years old that I remember when
@ASOS
was 'As Seen On Screen' and you could buy things like jeans 'in the style of Cameron Diaz' and the door peeper frame in Friends or the webcam from American Pie. Anyone else?
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The wedding dress:
Mum, 1984
Me, 1994
Me again, 2024
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Just a casual Saturday night, but appropriate for a Fleetwood Mac themed rave probably
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@Oloni
He'd use tiny things as an excuse to punish me. Eg, I hadn't heard from him in three days so I said I was worried and asked if he was OK.
His response: "Well I was gonna come and stay with you this weekend but now you've bothered me I'm not going to."
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Instead of buying me a new Xmas card, my mum has been adding a new message to the same card every year for the last 17 years.
#ChristmasEve
#MerryChristmas
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I fuckin' WISH i'd been taught that stretch marks were normal when I was a teenager, and understood that men don't notice them/give a shit about them
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Devo that you can't see that these tights are in fact glittery in this pic
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@jamieklingler
@ceebrie
@Louiestowell
The best thing is it's proximity to the equally mad sailor clothing and accessories shop round the corner
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A guy dumped me on the day I was having a biopsy on my cervix after getting very bad smear results.
Through tears I told the nurse that it wasn't because I was scared, but because i'd been dumped. 'Did he know you had this today?' she asked.
'yes' I replied
'Then he's a cunt'
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It was a fun time being a teenager when this movie came out in the time of the Special K diet
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@ka8895
Every person requires loo roll, every woman requires tampons or sanitary towels. We don't get a little buzzer telling us when we're gonna come on our periods, they're changeable and unpredictable and free bleeding in public isn't an option, so they should be provided
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Megan forgetting that being a slag isnt about how many people youve slept with but about how you conduct yourself
#LoveIsland
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Annual reminder: she doesn't want a pandora bracelet. There's still time to take it back and get something else.
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@ka8895
then, they should provide them not because of 'period poverty' but because they are an essential item, just like loo roll
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I'm at the airport.
About to move to another country.
With this lovely kind handsome man.
Who I met on
@bumble
.
Sayonara 🇯🇵♥️✌
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I'm now officially one of those girls with a really cute proposal story 💍
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This is what 33 looks like. In lockdown.
Happy. So happy
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Wearing a skirt that used to belong to my Nanna. It's so old/vintage that the label shows it's from 'St Michael's'.
Can anyone born after 1990 guess what the brand is known as now?
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5 years since this happened. He never did get his money back.
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First christmas party of the year....I went with the black dress
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I got a message sent to my blog asking for advice, and found out it was my Mum trying to show me myself. My heart cannot cope with this woman
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4 years ago I went on a first date with a guy who wanted to bring fried chicken into the cinema. Now I'm marrying him ♡
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THE REALITIES OF DATING THREAD: When someone asks whether my dating luck is really *that* bad, and maybe I'm too fussy/should follow their advice/be old fashioned/blah blah blah and I'm like.....you better believe it. Sit tight
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Before you commit to a relationship with someone, go for tapas and see how they handle sharing foods served in 3's and 5's
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Midweek stage of the F45 challenge and I'm down 3% body fat and 9lb. Since I joined last year my body fat % has gone from 33% to 23% and I've lost a stone and a half. So bloody happy and cant wait to see the end results in 4 weeks.
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I'm so fucking happy today. Its not always easy to feel like that, and feel ok enough to say it. But today, really is a happy birthday
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Fellas thinking we 'need' men taking us back 60 years 🙄
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I cried in bed last night and my cat came and sat on my chest with his head against me just purring softly and it was the most soothing thing. He knew
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Two years ago today I went on a hinge first date with someone I described as 'the kind teacher'. Now, we're 12,000km away in Tokyo: watching sumo, eating oysters and drinking shots in a heavy metal bar to celebrate.
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An Easter love story for you all. This is a picture of my Aunt in 1963 on the beach in Broadstairs. Now, many years on....she's discovered the boy standing behind her is the man she's spending the rest of her life with. Are some things just meant to be?
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18°c in London. Men are wearing shorts. The flip flops are out. Someone just BIT INTO A FEAST. Everything is falling to pieces.
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Also, this isn't a forced vaccine. Don't want it? Don't get it. Just don't complain when/if you/your loved ones get sick.
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My friend Kate fell pregnant last yr & i made vagina cupcakes for her baby shower.
Shes just sent a WhatsApp inviting me to the christening. I said great I'll get another batch of vaginas ready.
Not realising the WhatsApp group had the entire guestlist including family in it.
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I just farted in an uber & freaked out & didnt know what to do & was too embarrassed to open the window because then it would be admitting it was me & so i just sat there & HE opened the window & I jumped out & ran to the airport & boarded a plane to berlin & I live there now
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Today I sat in a restaurant and had dinner alone, paid a phone bill, got the train home without needing to check and double check I was going the right way, chatted to a neighbour and spoke some new Japanese. So quite suddenly it feels like I am settled in Tokyo
#Expat
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On Thursday night it was my work Christmas party. I went to sleep at 8am on Friday morning and awoke at 1pm on my directors sofa. I've been with the company for one week.
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When guys reverse a car with one hand, look behind them and put the other arm over the back of the passenger seat
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Channelling a sexy rupert the bear tonight apparently
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She did it. Started in 2001 and now we're here 🥰🥰🥰
Every year for about 16 years my mum has given me back the same xmas card with a new message in it. only one year is missing during a time when things were hard in our family and she was depressed. This year has been another hard one but I'm praying the card makes an appearance.
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Guys, if a woman blocks you on any kind of social media, this is a clear signal that she no longer wishes to interact with you. This is not an invite to trace her via some other means and message her there. Just an FYI
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Some ✨personal news✨
I am moving to Tokyo. After spending 90% of our relationship indoors, BF and I figured we were due an adventure....so here goes.
🇯🇵🍣 🍜⛩️
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Offical list of worst christmas foods:
1. Christmas pudding
2. Mince pies
3. Brussel sprouts
4. Brandy butter
5. Christmas cake
6. Parsnips
7. Cloves
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UPDATE: Police called me to let me know they found the CCTV of the incident and asked if i'd come to the station to make a statement. It is important that people realise these men aren't freakish outliers. They walk among us and have normal lives/families/jobs etc.
My hands are shaking. Just caught a man trying to film up my skirt on the bakerloo line northbound platform at baker street. He followed me off a jubilee line train. I noticed when I saw the flash on his phone reflected on the train carriage. Tried to photograph him but he ran.
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My first boyfriend dumped me because I was frigid - I was 13 and wouldn't touch his penis in the cinema. (Hi Jack! 👋 if only you'd been patient).
Why did your first bf/gf dump you?
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Going to an exhibition of penis photos tonight, so I can spend the night staring at a bunch of dicks instead of dating them
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Idea:
#loveisland
but for people with under 1000 instagram followers, their own teeth/boobs/hair, a BMI over 20 and an understanding of Brexit
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First bikini purchase of the year. Love the 90s underwire vibe
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My sister went on a date with a guy who said he didn't like mushrooms because they're 'girly'.
This is not only ridiculous in its broflake mentality but also clearly incorrect, I mean mushrooms are fun-GUYS not fun-girls. Durrrr.
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Friend: so whats the gossip? are you dating anyone?
Me: No.
F: Oh thats a shame
Me: I think it's a shame you haven't spent one night away from your two children in 4 years and haven't had sex in months.
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I remember dating someone once who I liked so much that I'd ride the train in the wrong direction with him on his way home so I could spend more time with him and god I hope I'll meet someone who'll feel compelled to do things like that for me.
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My kink is men who know the difference between 'brought' and 'bought'
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My Nanna Sylvia passed away peacefully last night.
I was born on her birthday and she always said I was her favourite birthday present, but really; having her as my Nanna was a true gift, and luckily one that will last a lifetime.
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A year ago I went on a couple of dates with this guy before he called me & said he didn't see it going anywhere romantically but he thought I was a great woman. We're still friends and this morning he sent me this. Happy
#InternationalWomensDay
guys, You can be a part of this too
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I keep seeing this hot guy in the building I work in, his office is on the same floor and I know the company name because it's on the door.
Just looked him up on linkedin and clicked on his profile without going incognito so I guess i have to quite my job now.
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Just come out of surgery. Eggs collected ready for donation
#eggdonation
#fertility
@LondonEggBank
@LWCWales
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1 dress, 40 years, 2 weddings.
My mum, then me.
From dressing up as a 6 year old to wearing it for real. I guess it was meant to be.
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Every year for about 16 years my mum has given me back the same xmas card with a new message in it. only one year is missing during a time when things were hard in our family and she was depressed. This year has been another hard one but I'm praying the card makes an appearance.
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I matched with someoneon Bumble, and when I gave him my number he called me to arrange a date because he 'likes to do things the old fashioned way'. I like this.
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Is it just a British thing to know there's a very distinct difference to know the difference between a cafe ('kaff') and a cafe ('caf-ay')
@SoVeryBritish
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Michelin star dinner date with my Mama tonight, so I figured I'd put in some effort 💙🤍💙
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Just a reminder that it's ok to call people out on their BS if they ghost you or whatever. It doesn't make you a psycho or a crazy bitch to tell someone that their behaviour is unacceptable to you.
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A year today since I met the kindest, funniest most intelligent man I know.
So we're celebrating with a fancy dinner and I figured it was worth dragging my Vivienne Westwood dress out of its storage box
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Left my hair to dry naturally from wet today and honestly it's the first time in my life its looked good like this (except for the weird magic that happens on a beach with sea water)
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Expectation vs Reality.
Burst into tears and had a "I hate my face nothing looks good on me meltdown". ASOS always serving up the goods.
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Told Bf I felt ugly because it's the first day of my period and I'm bloated and have a big spot on my face.
He's legit just made me stop what I'm doing and played Christina Aguilera 'beautiful' on his phone until I'm nice to myself.
8 years of dating apps was worth it my friends
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So you know how you'll message like 20 people on Bumble and like 2 will reply...well i've discovered a message with a super high reply rate, like 60%+. Ready for it?
'Important question, socks in bed: yes or no?'
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This skirt wouldn't go over my ass/hips in March and today I just tried it on by chance. So happy
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I'm so bloody happy. 3 months of hard work at
@F45Training
And my old old jeans fit me. Excuse the no make up but I am thrilled 💪
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Boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, so I'm ordering some Aesop Poo Drops
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Happy
#NationalFreelancersDay
to all the companies that "have a policy of not paying bloggers"
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Just found out that thanks to my donation, someone, somewhere, has recently given birth to a little baby boy. Isn't that wonderful?
Just come out of surgery. Eggs collected ready for donation
#eggdonation
#fertility
@LondonEggBank
@LWCWales
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Can we just talk about how happy and excited my mum looked the entire time at her first ever
#Glastonbury
. I took her for her 60th birthday and she ended the weekend crying happy tears saying that it was the best gift she'd ever been given 😭😭😭
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