Lauren Bans
@LaurenBans
Followers
8,106
Following
1,349
Media
323
Statuses
9,082
(A list of everything I've ever done along with a cute lil' joke)
Los Angeles
Joined February 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
نيوكاسل
• 376953 Tweets
حسن نصر
• 257439 Tweets
#حسن_نصرالله
• 100978 Tweets
سوريا
• 83119 Tweets
#ReGLOSS3Dライブ
• 68200 Tweets
ババコンガ
• 36930 Tweets
KINGPOWER x TAYNEW
• 32857 Tweets
Newcastle
• 28538 Tweets
巨人優勝
• 24059 Tweets
Perfume
• 21209 Tweets
ヒロアカ
• 17604 Tweets
#ドッキリGP
• 16634 Tweets
Reach the top
• 16541 Tweets
iLife
• 13557 Tweets
ايران
• 12977 Tweets
WADA
• 12504 Tweets
花火大会
• 10649 Tweets
CONCERT NI CULLEN
• 10542 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
“Excuse me, I must go stream HBO’s The Deuce” is probably the most sophisticated way I tell people I’m leaving to poop.
4
4
131
pretty fucked up that by the time you reach 40 there are basically only like five people on the planet who really understand you and they probably live in a different city
473
3K
52K
why was this printed on the cheesecake factory menu
60
2K
45K
I guess if you don't believe in contraceptives, you go for the pull out method.
BREAKING: House Republicans, short of votes, withdraw health care bill.
848
19K
26K
133
11K
27K
I pooped out a baby wearing a face mask soaked with my own vomit so could you wear one to pick up your fucking $17 acai bowl please and thank you
73
1K
17K
Oh you "love" Colin Farrell? Name three meals he mentions during his sex tape.
61
405
7K
gotta say I’m a little confused by the CDC’s vaccination rollout plan
52
203
2K
If Barnes & Noble could just change its name to Barnes & Nobles it would really decrease the number of times I snap at my Dad.
27
193
2K
Katie Roiphe once threw up on my friend’s sweater at a book party and then tried to hide the sweater under a couch and that’s by far the best thing she’s ever done.
18
153
1K
I don’t understand why the ocean is on fire I bring my own bags to the grocery store
6
119
1K
Get a man who looks at you the way Jeff Sessions looks at Kamala Harris (ie with true fear)
24
341
1K
Where is this NYT Louis CK story?It's like it's trying to get out but someone is standing in front of the door blocking it with a dick!??
19
121
1K
I guess Charlie Hunnam read 50 Shades of Grey over the weekend.
52
1K
785
I did this too where’s my fucking Yahoo! life article
Gwyneth Paltrow says she was “drinking 7 nights a week, making pasta and eating bread” during quarantine — “I went totally off the rails.”
(via: )
208
82
2K
9
86
913
Why would anyone choose to go big when "go home" is an option
1
211
741
The guy next to me at this coffee shop just asked if I would unplug my laptop so he could charge for a bit and then proceeded to plug in A VAPE anyway we're married now send gifts (vapes)
5
31
678
Today when I bit into a churro two of my crowns fell out and my first reaction was to calmly hold my teeth in my hand while I finished the churro & this is what I'll say next time a job interviewer asks me my greatest strength
7
42
666
All women: "Same."
Comey told Sessions he didn't want to be alone with Trump after being unnerved by his request to end an FBI inquiry
397
3K
4K
8
175
603
Crazy I thought it could only infect living hosts
NEW: Stephen Miller has tested positive for COVID, per senior administration official. Adds Miller has been working remotely for last 5 days, testing negative every day through yesterday, and is in quarantine after a positive test today.
3K
8K
32K
6
84
635
Just mistook a covid map for an electoral map at first glance. First panicked, “Shit! It’s all red!” then realized, and was like, “Oh thank god, this is just a map of our completely out of control deadly virus.” Anyway, cool times!!!
0
105
623
My new year’s resolution is to be kinder to myself and stop being such a lazy piece of shit.
5
73
613
Call your senators and tell them it is NOT OKAY to make American people listen to 3 Doors Down again.
4
165
488
I wrote about losing (a partner) while growing (a baby) Super light, lots of laughs!!!
“In retrospect, the demise of my marriage came in courses. It was so expertly spaced out, like a meal at the nicest of Michelin-star restaurants, I didn’t even see the bill coming at the end. Or maybe I did at times and I’m forgetting,” writes
@LaurenBans
9
33
226
41
45
542
Why are they milling about like they’re at the Louvre! Like shouldn’t special ops be sliding down on wires and shit??!
8
49
474
in a cruel twist “go to your room and think about what you did” is most of my evenings as an adult.
3
64
499
uh oh NYTimes twitter hacked by goats
"Goats are hot these days. Adults mostly want to get down on all fours and let the goats jump on them."
112
344
934
5
107
439
This is half debate/ half Hillary and Chris Wallace teaching Donald Trump basic facts about democracy.
0
217
382
An under desk button for women but it releases a bucket full of period blood
2
53
369
after I work for 17 minutes straight
1
64
424
Before Facebook I just blindly assumed that everyone in my life knew how to spell.
2
110
321
PLAN B
"Scientists Show That Chimps Will Murder and Eat Their Dictators"
17
153
291
5
62
267
Owning *FIVE* Keurig machines should have its own classification in the DSM
Sean Hannity tells supporters to "hold their fire" on smashing Keurig products. Said: "In my opinion, Keurig was a victim of a group that has a radical agenda, and they didn't know. I'm convinced." (Hannity has 5 Keurig machines, he said.)
98
112
619
5
14
252
I almost typed I can't believe Stephen Miller killed his own grandma, but I can believe Stephen Miller killed his own grandma.
8
17
239
[uproarious applause] "This is the Boss Baby's 55th nomination but first Oscar win."
1
33
225
Why would anyone choose go big when go home is a viable option
0
96
231
This seems like the right place to announce that there is a reality show on TLC called HOT & HEAVY about couples where one person is conventionally attractive and one person is obese and it is somehow not a 30 Rock joke
8
20
239
I feel like Coldplay surrounded themselves with a human shield made up of children so we can't be mean to them
2
137
202
How is everyone? I’m good. Today I gave my garbage cans first names.
10
20
236
Trump really going after the young female vote with his pumpkin spice skin.
3
127
219
I'm a Fantine on the streets, and a Javert in the sheets.
5
196
186
I honestly didn't know it was possible to get so fucking pumped about taxes.
3
40
220
Everyone suffered on 9-11, including the people in the World Trade Center.
"Everyone suffered in the Holocaust, including the Jewish people," said
@Reince
Priebus on
@MeetThePress
, the understatement of the century.
620
4K
6K
9
106
211
"Funny or Die" is basically just the evolutionary strategy of the Jewish people.
4
26
210
maybe I’m missing the point but I feel like the Shape of Water lady could have easily snagged a human boyfriend if she stopped carrying multiple hard boiled eggs in her purse
3
31
217
zoom writer’s rooms are weird cuz it’s like hey haven’t met your torso yet but here’s a story about the worst thing I’ve ever done to another human
3
13
233
Had a smoothie with PROTEIN and FRUIT for breakfast which means I can have shake shack and cocaine for lunch
4
8
226
Another day, another old man telling the most qualified woman in the world she's not qualified for the job.
11
99
188
will be so mad if the last thing I see before I die is one of those tweets that say "wrong answers only"
5
21
193
What if the cast of Magic Mike Live comes out and pulls the NV tallies out of their pants
7
19
198
Just feeling very burnt out from holding down two jobs (writer and person who stays up until midnight on instagram trying to figure out when exactly some lady I don't know got divorced)
2
4
213
what will you do with your one extra day of the worst month ever
7
20
166
Allow Benihanas to open nationwide their chefs can fling shrimp into our mouths from fifty feet NO PROBLEM!!!!
1
22
166
My Dad was upset his usual salad wasn't on the menu and he asked me to google (exact words): "superfood salad cheesecake factory what happened"
7
3
162
Ever since giving birth I get incredibly enraged when I experience physical pain and no one hands me baby as a prize at the end
0
8
145
TV writing is hard and all but in last night's BLL, when a 6 year old in an aquarium asks Shailene Woodley "Why do beautiful things always turn out to be the most dangerous?" I did yell COME ON out loud at my television.
5
4
150
But Jared and Ivanka fought tirelessly behind the scenes to stop Ivanka from doing this.
4
25
143
I suffer from a debilitating brain disease that forces me to tell people how cheap I got something for whenever I’m complimented on it.
11
15
144
Made up this cool new drinking game where you do a shot every time you realize you're too old to change your life.
0
1
16
Just wrote “Raisin Bran arriving” in my calendar for next Tuesday.
0
5
142
I'm like the Russian Ambassador of parties. No one ever remembers they've met me before.
3
31
127
If anyone in Los Angeles tries to talk to me today I’m just repeating “RICK CARUSO DONATED REPEATEDLY TO MITCH MCCONNELL” until I go unconscious
1
39
143
I like to read authors describe their writing process but only if they also agree that writing is impossible and cannot be done
3
16
138
Pretty sure 2023 should be the one making promises to better itself, not me
0
28
153
I would read 5,000 more pages of this
0
26
137
extra fattening line of snacks at trader joe's called trader jowls???? I took a low dose weed mint
6
5
128
I can't believe it's almost halloween and I still don't know what I'm going to be for the rest of my life
1
20
142
If I took an Ativan and it kept me awake hallucinating chess boards I’d be so pissed
1
11
131
Kinda worried I’m gonna pull out my bat mitzvah pics and there’ll be me, the mini dessert table, and in the corner GHISLAINE
3
5
132
I know, I know, I’m SUCH a nerd, I just saw the latest installment of the most popular franchise film series in history.
1
11
122
Posting an accidental dick pic would be less embarrassing than this tweet.
The so-called "A" list celebrities are all wanting tixs to the inauguration, but look what they did for Hillary, NOTHING. I want the PEOPLE!
25K
18K
77K
4
28
109
how come there's a kate upton, a kate middleton, but no kate downton
2
10
116
My 3 year old just lovingly caressed my face then asked if Oscar the Grouch has a penis.
2
0
136
honestly what if 50-100 famous people FLEW to critical polling locations in swing states and set up camp there (however many feet away as required by law) and encouraged people to come out and vote? Took pictures with people who voted? Instead of just posting Instagram memes?
4
31
112
when the dude is like “I’m close”
1
12
116
nothing is funnier than Trump enthuiastically proclaiming seniors are his favorite people in the world, like did his aides tell him this was about high school seniors
3
17
106
How do people in their mid-thirties make new friends? Asking for a friend. Like literally asking for a friend.
6
5
113
NOT NOW READ THE ROOM
2
6
111
PATIO NOW OPEN! Enjoy our waiters dressed like the mean scientists in ET as you sit on a wet chair watching the ashes of the city's dead rain down!!
5
11
109
Pretty remarkable that the B-52s followed a sign on the side of the road to a "love shack" and survived to tell the tale.
1
31
103
LA has generally been a hellhole this year but today I learned that the moderna vaccine makes face filler swell up and, well, I am very excited for springtime in Los Angeles
1
8
115
Didn’t realize how much I loved restaurants until I didn’t have restaurants anymore. Would give anything to take restaurants out to dinner at a nice restaurant and then french kiss restaurants on the sidewalk before the Lyft arrives.
1
7
103
Sext: I'm gonna tie you up and whisper headlines from 2013 in your ear.
1
22
100
I'm very sorry but I just really need to say this to someone and I'm all alone: sick pence none the richer
2
1
102
It happened-- I got laid off from twitter today. I was the designer who made sure someone replied "you're" when you used the wrong "your"
8
4
102
Simply never getting over the fact my Mom bought this card for our cousin, a 14 year old boy. She thought it just meant sending lots of Christmas energy.
2
11
114
Owning a cat seems like a really satisfying Instagram experience.
2
12
82