Lacey
@Lacey_artist
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23 / London / Artist exploring trauma, psychiatric treatment, feminism, madness 🎨📷🐈🪷 Thoughts and views are my cat’s #TraumanotPD
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Joined July 2022
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I am en route to rehab where I may not have access to internet often. Thank you so much to those who have been amazing over the last year. I will be writing a when I can. I’ve put everything into getting this and am determined to make it work 🍀
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Psychiatric wards are not therapeutic places for patients with complex trauma.
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Textile piece using a psych ward top I was discharged from hospital in recently and sewn on fabric. Dressing up as a ‘mental’, ‘psycho’, ‘psych ward patient’ is all kinds of wrong. Please don’t do it when you haven’t experienced the trauma of being an inpatient.
#madtwitter
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Today, after weeks of diagnostic interviewing with a clinical psychologist I've known for months, it was confirmed that I do not fit the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD. 7 years ago, the label was given to me by a psychiatrist who diagnosed a very high % of AFAB patients with BPD
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I don't think working in a mental health ward is easy, but the ongoing laughing/shouting at/vague threats towards very unwell patients by healthcare workers is unbearable.
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People who haven’t experienced inpatient wards won’t understand how not shocking this is. If every incident of neglect was recorded, many of them would make news stories. So many of us have experienced this, although it doesn’t detract from the pain of this particular outcome.
Nurses filmed vaping and scrolling their phones as patient prepared to take own life - Manchester Evening News
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Have been working on a couple of Zines and considering other ideas. I have access to a laptop for the first time since November so I may turn them into printables if I can figure out how to use a design app…
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Today has been excruciating. I am so grateful for access to art supplies, friends and the time of some amazing nurses who make me realise there is some good in the MH field. Memory and cognition are all over the place but I have been painting.
Something in blue…
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I don’t think the average person can understand the humiliation and lack of freedom that comes with being watched 24 hours a day. Being followed, unable to have a private conversation or moment alone and often by strangers who you’ve never met before.
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Having recently spent many hours in A&E as a mental health patient, let me tell anyone who hasn’t experienced it and isn’t aware, it is absolutely dire out there. For the patients who have waited 10+hrs in crisis in an overwhelming environment with bright lights and loud noises,
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After weeks of waiting for professional's meetings and discussions, I emailed the rehab which I want to go to myself explaining my situation and determination to recover and today they replied saying they have accepted me! I couldn't have asked for better news!
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It’s only fair to make the ward psychiatrist a Christmas card.
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Lost count of the number of times across various wards I have seen 6+ big men crowded cross armed like bouncers around a tiny very distressed woman. Some times I’ve been that woman. This is not treatment this is not empathy this is wrong
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I’ve lost count of the number of times in hospital I’ve felt responsible for another patient’s wellbeing or safety. Sometimes filling the empathy gap in staff, sometimes being told I’m the only one who listens, sometimes just wanting to help. Often I forget I’m a patient
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It is looking pretty certain that I will be discharged this week and admitted to rehab on Monday. After over 230 days, it feels surreal. Relief, anxiety, uncertainty and a spoonful of hope. I am so close to leaving these locked doors for good!
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A package arrived today which nearly brought me to tears (crying is rarely possible due to med effects).
Someone listened to the reasons I’m struggling to sleep - sounds in the night and lights from checks - and sent me these.
So grateful to be heard and thought of.
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My phones ‘one year ago’ feature is depressing. How does one go from living 95% independently to being under a section 3? From makeup and considered clothes to the same pyjamas for days? To 9-5 art classes to struggling with a 1 hour psychology group? Take me back…
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Sometimes I wonder what could possibly improve the general state of inpatient care.
Idea I had at 16: everyone working in a psychiatric ward should experience 24 hours as a patient. Practical? No. Would it create empathy and an actual understanding of the experience? Maybe…
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For me, it was often a way for professionals to dismiss a teenage girl's trauma and despair. It was a way for me to be repeatedly mistreated and insulted, my feelings mostly ignored. It is a diagnosis which deeply harmed me. Again, some people may relate, some not.
#traumanotpd
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Acute ward so far feels more safe and caring than I had expected. Handover from 136 suite included that I had ‘gone viral’ complaining about my treatment on Twitter so I will be much quieter about it from now on. 😳
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It's been suggested by a locum psych that despite months of sessions and diagnostic interviews proving I do not meet EUPD criteria, it should be put back on my record because I 'have traits'. This label is a bloody limpet.
Today, after weeks of diagnostic interviewing with a clinical psychologist I've known for months, it was confirmed that I do not fit the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD. 7 years ago, the label was given to me by a psychiatrist who diagnosed a very high % of AFAB patients with BPD
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I am relieved and almost feel like celebrating. Today I also finished Trauma and Recovery by Judith L Herman. My relief doesn't mean I see myself as different than those with an active BPD diagnosis, but it does mean I *may* be treated with more empathy and less stigma.
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This place is making me get more angry and reactive by the day. A patient said they’d experienced a serious sexual assault and a male HCA rolled his eyes and said ‘oh please’. It’s rare for me to get argumentative but I bloody well will in situations like this.
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Pencil self portraits of most of the day on weekends on the ward
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Just got out for a little walk in the garden in heavy rain and the joy and feeling of being alive was such a relief. The little things can mean so much ☔️
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After over 60 hours in a detention suite, there is a proper bed available. Grateful to be leaving my MHA snowflakes behind me.
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I’ve experienced mental health care recently which has challenged my views. A psychiatrist spent time listening to me and wrote a factual, helpful letter which I desperately needed and he spent a while writing. I have seen a support worker under an NHS trust…
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Finally finished my complex PTSD textile piece.
How Do I Learn to Live a World Which Fills Me With Dread?
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Today I had unescorted leave for the first time in over a month to go to an art group and surprised everyone with being able to achieve this…also saw a very lovely cat. A good day indeed.
#6weekssober
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Wearing my Xmas gifted dungarees, sober fairy necklace and having leave with friends today! Officially ‘informal’ but also ‘will be sectioned if I ask to leave’ 🤔
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I keep telling myself not to complain on Twitter as I suspect they’re being read by someone in the trust but...
Today told I wasn’t allowed outside because it is drizzling.
Is capacity and least restrictive practice still a thing?
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Lots of hours leave today! And am wearing a bit of makeup for the first time since November! A better week so far with lots of people noticing progress 🌿
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Sharing my art at a conference today on leave with my best friend! I will cherish every minute away from the ward.
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Very lucky to have my work exhibited and to be able to go and see the exhibition today. Distracting from the uncertainty of assessment outcomes and the future overall!
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Summer last year I had the privilege of sharing my artwork about mental health with
@MindCharity
at the Houses of Parliament, in an exhibition with
@Pdisaninsult
and at
@rcpsych
with
@HopeintheHearts
. I spoke to MPs, gallery visitors and psychiatrists about iatrogenic harm…
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Poetry Zine complete! And printed in the hospital library lol. I’m not really sure what’s next, anyone want to review/critique? Shall I sell them?
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Whilst contemplating the actions that led me to be sectioned, a snowflake landed on my coat and made me pause to think. A few days later, I made snowflakes from the MHA whilst detained. This week my best friend bought my a soft snowflake. Semblance of hope ❄️
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So I’ve convinced the MDT to allow me to bring my camera to use in my room (self portraiture in art therapy) and I get it. I get GDPR and privacy but…nobody has mentioned the cameras recording mine and every other patient’s movement. Hoops to jump through for mine though…
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Ongoing huge (A1) piece getting my emotions out.
Thank you so much for kind comments, it’s a glimmer of hope in each day x
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Last night was so bloody awful. Relapsed in three things. Today I am hungover, ashamed but being treated with empathy rather than anger at my actions which feels strange but I am grateful for.
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This week going so much better than last, mostly due to not being on 1:1 and the consistent and meaningful support from a few wonderful friends and helpful professionals. Don’t ask about the wall
#wedorecover
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I am going to be informal in 2 days time 🎉
The long term questions remain uncertain but this is such a positive and much better than I feared 🍀
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I would like to have words with whoever decided that locking up a group of mixed gender people from 18-80 years old ranging from suicidal, manic to violent and aggressive was a good idea.
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This weekend has been dire resulting in all leave being removed and struggling to communicate/think clearly.
My only moments of relief are being with this little guy.
May we both be free one day. 🪶
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Jesus Christ everything has gone to shit. Acute ward isn’t helping, I don’t meet criteria for rehab, supported living could take months to arrange. What the fuck is there? Where is the logic in keeping someone detained for months? Hopeless.
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I remain very invested in the discussions around a PD diagnosis and will keep making art about my experiences. As ever, this is my experience and views. I appreciate that some people find a BPD diagnosis to be a relief or helpful, to me it wasn't.
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Had a very lovely rehab birthday 🎂
Amazed at the care and acceptance I am shown here. 1 month in today and I am so grateful to be here, both alive and in this rehab 💙
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It shouldn’t take making complaints for procedures to be followed and patients to be kept safe. Too often, those who lack the capacity or ability to speak up are let down the most. I am so lucky for my knowledge, education and mostly ability to communicate.
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228 days in hospital so far. My next of kin has been invited to 2 meetings about my care. Discharge date (possibly next week) unconfirmed. Care plans written 6 months ago still unfollowed. Uncertainty/lack of communication known to be a huge trigger and factor in relapse. 👌🏻
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Eating disorder tax is requiring a wardrobe that spans 5 different clothing sizes and various levels of body dysmorphia
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6 months on an acute ward today. A section 3 which hasn't involved treatment. Months waiting for referrals. My therapy is private which I pay for. I know many have it much worse but this is not how things should be.
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Textile art highlights of the year.
Thank you
@Pdisaninsult
@MindCharity
@AsylumMagUK
@madwomantalking
for the exhibitions and campaigns they have been a part of 💕
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Have been offered a stay at a crisis house, which I’ve never been offered before and didn’t know about until last weekend.
I’m not sure what to expect but have my bag packed and am going to go into it as honestly and open as I can.
Please let this be different, I’m desperate 🤞🏻
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There’s an unwell patient on the ward who has taken people’s things numerous times. I have been asking for a key for my room for weeks because of this. No key. Today they were in my room for a while and took clothes, art materials, letters and food. Some ruined.
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A professional pointed out that there's 2 possible options to respond to me struggling with acting on certain urges: remove all leave and be very restrictive or 'give me control' by discharging me.
And black and white thinking is supposedly my problem!
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To have it confirmed by a consultant psychiatrist that EUPD will no longer be an active diagnosis, at the same time as reading of the ongoing maltreatment and even earlier PD diagnosis being introduced in children is hurting my head. This can not keep happening.
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Smiling in photos is not my thing but I am so grateful for today. Saw some amazing artwork, heard some exciting conversations and listened to a fantastic talk by
@madwomantalking
Back to the ward 😒 but with more self esteem and positive memories than I left with this morning!
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Facing the practical consequences of long term suicidality and depression: pest infestation, piles of rubbish, mould, so many unwashed clothes and dishes, empty bottles everywhere, NOTHING IS REMOTELY CLEAN ANYWHERE IN THIS FLAT
Not happy with 2023 Nicole right now.
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This week I had the validation combined with many emotions of having MH professionals truly acknowledge the harm that NHS services have caused me. A few people are listening and working to try and prevent further harm and I am deeply grateful, although surprised and unsure…
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Digital drawing about my experience of alcoholism. I never thought I would be an alcoholic, requiring treatment and considering rehab in my early twenties. The pull to the bottle fighting the shame of my drunk actions.
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A patient with 'difficult behaviour' still deserves to be treated with respect.
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I’ve been firm in not wanting a care coordinator due to previous experiences. Assured it would be different this time. First meeting: over an hour late with no message. Third meeting: did not occur with no message.
Excellent.
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Going to be a long anxious weekend waiting for an outcome I expected yesterday. You never know as a MH patient how you'll be written and spoken about, what impact that will have on decisions by people who haven't met you. Hoping waiting hoping 🤞
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Had over three hours out today! A semblance of normality and a lovely art group although I feel so so tired. Readjusting to the busyness and anxieties of the real world is strange but the freedom, choices and opportunities are a blessing.
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Mental health services
‘Don’t want to coddle me’ and I ‘need to focus on the positives’. I’m so embarrassed every time I’ve been persuaded to go to A&E/assessment unit just to be asked why I ‘want’ to be there. I’d rather be anywhere else.
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I’ve been worried about Mr Crumbs (the bird in the enclosed garden) with the heat and dehydration. Today he made my day by accepting my DIY birdbath!!!
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Today I was given 30 mins unescorted leave and being alone in the big wide world for the first time in months was pretty cool. Coming back less so!
I have ordered some prints to sell of my ‘Unbinding Myself From Shame’ piece and am hoping to start selling artwork
A brighter day
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@DrEmmaNash
I was thinking specifically of my experience with CPTSD and the emotional flashbacks that entails but come to think of it, probably trauma in general would fit
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Working on some digital Zines potentially for printing and wondering what level of dark humour/sarcasm is appropriate...
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7 hours out today. My beautiful soul of a best friend is travelling 4 hours to take me out. It’s always nerve wracking re-experiencing the world after a few weeks with various distressing experiencing but I am feeling grateful and hopeful today 😊
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Second doodle piece is coming along.
Grim day. Struggling to understand not being allowed outside to calm down in the evening in a secure garden with lights, CCTV and huge windows facing the nursing office.
Of course, the dark is the biggest risk around next to rain.
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Went through my post today which included a complaints response. Every single point excused, lied about, avoided. I tried to speak up to avoid others experiencing the same but what’s the point? Apparently it was 28 degrees in a room with an open window (1 degree outside)
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Fuck.
No idea what else to say. I convinced the short stay psych ward to discharge me in under 15 mins after ~9hrs in A&E. Feels very much that I have exhausted every NHS option and am left to my own devices. FFS my best friend can not be writing a eulogy she’s dyslexic 🤷🏻♀️
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The first thing I asked to be in my care plan was not to have 1:1s with male staff. How is it still being offered after 6 months of being here?
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When someone who doesn’t work in healthcare is tired/undertrained/doesn’t like their job, the consequences may be annoyed customers/errors.
When someone working as a HCA is tired/undertrained/dislikes their job, the consequences can be catastrophic to vulnerable people.
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So tomorrow I will hopefully have a few hours unescorted leave to go to an art group I used to love. The excitement and anxiety at the thought of freedom for longer than an hour for the first time in over 3 months is huge 😶 mostly excitement though!
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Another weekend of no leave.
The goal is to stay busy, distracted, productive every minute of the day. I found this small flower which had fallen from a tree yesterday. It reminds me of a snowflake and made me think there may be a little hope.
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This week has been rough therapy-wise causing a lapse but I am painting. These curved lines that started in my work a couple of months ago are persisting and I think I like them. So much mess entangled into something bigger…
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The freedom off being able to come and go is so amazing. Doing errands and going places I haven't in so many months makes me feel like I'm one of the people who aren't locked up. I guess I'm technically not? Making use of all my energy to be out and about ✨
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The impact that still being stuck in here is having on me is awful. If the referrals don't go well, at least my section nearly ends so I definitely should not be here for more than a couple of weeks longer. Focussing on making and drawing when I can.
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This week has already involved immense stress, uncertainty, tears and difficult thoughts. I am putting everything into keeping it together, hoping for the future including a couple of exhibitions I’m going to be a part of. Today I found this dress in a charity shop which I love!
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Ongoing lack of answers. Distraction is key. Another weekend of no answers. Mr Crumbs still joining me in sitting in the garden, waiting for his seeds and water. I treasure this delicate little soul, without knowing it he has got me through some of the worst of this admission.
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Professionals meeting anxiety. The dread of knowing decisions about my future and all elements of my life could be decided in a room without me being present is intense. Remaining hopeful that those who know me well will push for the best options.
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Another difficult morning with harmful urges, opportunities and triggers.
Today I chose creativity over destruction , minute after minute.
Thank you for the kind words, social media has its many faults but it makes me feel much less alone.
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This
#eatingdisorderawarenessweek
perhaps those working with EDs can learn more about anything-other-than-‘typical’-anorexia. Learn that self harm and suicidality can be part of an ED, not a reason not to offer treatment. Learn that bingeing and purging is as destructive and
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In a week which has left me broken and hopeless, some incredibly kind internet friends have shown me care and hope.
I will get round to proper thanks when I am more coherent, but I can’t explain the impact this has had or what I have done to deserve it.
Thank you 💕
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