Once a month my phone makes a little power point presentation of a relationship I botched and sets it to a jaunty bossa nova tune. Mortal men have been shot for less.
My Uber eats delivery guy messaged me “I’m here” and I meant to type “hey” but I accidentally typed “beg” and he responded “please can I give you your food”
LA is a funny place to live because the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen will be like “I can’t find anyone who wants to commit to me” unaware that their very presence in Wisconsin would result in a land war.
All five episodes of my miniseries are officially out. Thank so much to those of you who have checked it out. I made it because I was tired of begging people to let me do what I love. Best decision of my life.
Stream here:
There is a woman who buys cameos from me to roast anyone and everyone who slights her. I’ve done six so far. This is the closest I have ever come to steady work.
today I saw a guy in the Kroger parking lot openly weeping in his car and shoving grocery store sushi in his mouth and I just kept thinking.... I can’t believe we were BOTH gonna do that
The first episode of my show is officially out. I made it because I decided I’d rather be a person who made something imperfect rather than a guy who sat around and waited for something to happen. I think I made the right decision.
My greatest pleasure on this earth is subtweeting someone in a Tik Tok and waiting for them to find it organically. Do they text me? Do we pretend it never happened? Did they see it at all? A friendship with Kyle Prue is an infinite jump scare hack.
Dressing like shit at a restaurant in Chelsea as a performance art piece about gentrification and not because I’m a dripless betacuck. (Please go back in time and show this tweet to literally anyone.)
So excited to finally be able to announce this. This role took everything I had. Playing cocaine bear taught me who I was meant to be, and who I always was. Thanks to the cast, crew, Elizabeth, and of course “craft services” ;)
My card got declined while I was buying a single pint of edible cookie dough. The cashier should have put me down like a horse with a broken leg. A mercy killing.
I’m on a flight and the guy next to me is watching Free Solo. I’ve done the math and we’re gonna land midway through the climb. How…. do i save….. this man…..?