Kevin Sussman (kevsussman on threads)
@KevinSussman
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Following
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243
Statuses
8,843
Actor, writer, primate. Rambling at a family member near you:
Los Angeles
Joined March 2010
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Will Smith seemed fine when I worked with him 17 years ago on Hitch. I realize it doesn't mean much, but I honestly can't think of any other way to make it about me.
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My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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Selfies are for Instagram! But I mean, come on…
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Tonight is the series finale of The Big Bang Theory. I think the writers did a fantastic job tying up the series, but we will, of course, re-do it if anyone is unsatisfied.
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I don’t think Chuck Lorre ever appeared on screen, but he was truly funny. Sometimes I’d ask him for a line reading and he’d nail it, and I’d be like, why aren’t you up here? Happy anniversary Big Bang. 😀
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Today was the table read for the final episode of The Big Bang Theory. I've been on it for 11 years. I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Broke the promise ten seconds in.
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Inventor of carrot cake: “Wow, you like it? I was kidding.”
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“Oh, I’m sorry, is my threat of nuclear destruction interrupting your rampant nazi uprising?” – Kim Jong Un
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I’m stunned by Leslie Jordan’s passing. I worked with him recently and he was so welcoming, friendly, and warm. And such a great, hilarious, actor. A tweet seems too small for such a beautiful soul. I’m grateful for having known him, however briefly. Rest In Peace.
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Whenever a scary movie is freaking me out I try to imagine the snack table right out of frame, loaded with pretzels, donuts, and depending on budget, maybe some healthier options.
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Wow, I'm approaching 100k followers. You guys remember the pact: when I hit 100k we invade Canada. You signed up for this.
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The time Mr. T did a signing at the comic book shop I worked at years before Big Bang Theory was a thing. That’s me in the back. With hair.
@jhucomicbooks
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I used to listen to Bob Newhart’s comedy albums. His dry comedy style was a huge influence for me. He was a master of less is more. Getting to meet him and watch him work on Big Bang was huge for me. RIP
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The military just shot down my gender reveal balloon, wtf?
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Btw, did I mention I got married this weekend?
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Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers' market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, "careful, it's heavy."
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Just got
@jessicaradloff14
's incredible book, The Big Bang Theory. My takeaways:
1) I miss that place.
2) Holy cow, for a show I was a part of for over a decade, there's a lot of stuff I didn't know.
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I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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Sure, sex is great, but have you tried Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream? It's not as good, but it's like, way easier to get.
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I had the pleasure of meeting Stan Lee on Big Bang. A wonderful human being and obviously a titan in the comics world. RIP
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I posted a bunch more 👰♀️🤵♂️ pics on my Instagram. 😊
(I'm kevsussman on insta)
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You know that one person you wish would follow you on social media but doesn't? For a small fee, I will kidnap that person and force them to love you. Also, check out my other services: light typing, arson, and jiggling the flusher just right to make that noise stop.
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@ThatEricAlper
Senior Level Packing Bubble Popper. I'll be in my office if anybody needs me.
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I will only be eating at this restaurant for now on.
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I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.
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For every guy who's brought a tiny human home from the hospital and thought, "I am so not ready for this" but did it anyway, I salute you.
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The door to my bathroom sticks and it keeps getting a little harder to open and if I ever stop tweeting please let the fire department know where I am.
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I’m thinking of trying sex. I’ve heard good things.
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I got the vaccine and I’m ready to party! Is that a side effect? I don’t normally like to party.
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Instead of dating apps, try chirping like crickets do to attract a mate. Seems to work for crickets. I say give it a shot.
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Are we allowed to touch our face yet? It’s been four months. I’m itchy.
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Opened a hot, smelly garbage pail and a bee flew out. It just flew away like it wasn’t forever indebted to me. Call me old fashioned, but a free wish for saving it’s life would’ve been nice. Ungrateful little bastard.
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This is why Kapernick knelt. All the bs about him disrespecting the flag - no. This cop is disrespecting the flag.
WARNING: This video of a
@RanchoCordovaPD
officer beating a 14-year-old is sickening, and demands immediate action.
How many of these videos must we see before we do something about police violence in this country?
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I miss the days when all we worried about were nuclear attacks from North Korea.
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Tattooed “you can do it” on my chest in case a low self-esteem surgeon gets assigned my emergency heart surgery.
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I call on Ukraine to investigate my romantic life and find out what I'm doing wrong.
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Saw this in Jersey yesterday:
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Thanks for all the (socially distant) birthday wishes, everybody! Next year at my place!
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I live near a famous couple that I really admire and I live in fear that they will one day see me walking my dogs w/ my ridiculous dog walking hat and ear prongs.
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I hear Liz (my Roomba) in the other room struggling with something, maybe a sock? But I’m done bailing her out. Gonna let her work this out on her own. It’s called being an adult vacuum.
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From the comments, it seems I'm not the only one who's bummed it's ending. Thank you for all the kind words. Some of you maybe went a bit far... I'm not dying you guys, I'll be around. It might be in a softcore porn or whatever, but I'll turn up. Wow, what if I got really buff?
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Heads up, if my blue check mark goes away, remember, anyone claiming to be me that asks for money is an imposter. Unless it's for my sex tape. I'll still be selling those at the same discounted rate through the holidays.
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My alarm clock’s name is Ethel. Here she is at 7:01 AM.
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how about a reality show where US politicians lose their jobs and have to live on $600
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I like to leave parties early so I have plenty of time at home to beat myself up over the stupid stuff I said.
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I tried to help an old lady get something off a high shelf at the grocery store, but she could barely lift me.
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ATTN: Pedro Pascal has just knocked Bud Cort out of the top spot for the most famous person I've ever seen at the grocery store.
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They don’t televise sound design oscars, but watch this without sound, then with, and tell me sound isn’t important.
Wife told me she'd been "really getting into animal security camera videos" recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You'll need sound:
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Now that the strike is over I can finally post about Lessons In Chemistry on Apple TV!
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As soon as Larry gets off work he’s going to put on a costume.
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Can you believe it's only 11AM and I'm already in my Oscars tux? This year I'll be watching as I do every year, alone, in bed, but damn I look good.
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If there were ever a war between the cats and the dogs I feel like the cats wouldn’t show up. It would be super frustrating for the dogs and a technical win for the cats.
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I wish Twitter would go back to being ridiculous in a fun way instead of ridiculous in the worst possible way.
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Can we please never do that again?
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Seems like every third post on Twitter is about some horrible injustice that basically sums up everything that's wrong with the world. Thankfully every fourth post is of puppies or I'd never get out of bed.
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I’m in Tennessee if y’all need anything.
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Accidentally pressed "compose new tweet" and now here we are. So... can I get anybody anything?
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If our phones are watching and listening to everything we do, why are the Twitter ads so sucky? I want board games and sweatpants, and you’re giving me IT database solutions! It's like you only pretend to listen!
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@goldengateblond
@ThatEricAlper
Not even 5-year-old Kevin would dare to fly so close to the sun.
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I haven't touched or been touched by another human being in four months. At this rate, I might beat my personal record.
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Oh jeez, it happened. You guys wanna meet up for a bite first, or just, like, get it over with and eat after?
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I know it’s after 6 but I might get a coffee. Anyone need their house painted at 3AM?
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If I were a ghost I would definitely not be moving people’s furniture for free.
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This year I'm sticking to my resolution: invade canada
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I've replaced this pepper spray with Febreze. Let's see if my mugger notices.
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Did you know that choosing love over hate, like anything else, gets easier the more you do it? And the more you do it, the better you feel. I may try it once I'm done settling scores.
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Waving to the mailman has become the highlight of my day. That wasn’t supposed to happen for at least a few more years.
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LA people - question: My house is floating down the 5. Should I stay on this or get on the 134 heading north?
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So... your plastic surgeons?
For my birthday this year, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it than with some of the people who have helped shaped me into the woman I am today.
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Treat everyone like they’re special. It’s easier than having to remember who is actually special.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Speeding?
COP: Yep. What else?
ME: Driving drunk?
COP: Correct. One more.
ME:
COP:
ME: Broken tail light?
COP: Ooh, no, sorry. Drug smuggling.
ME: Damn it, I almost said that!
COP: Next time. Drive safe now!
HOSTAGE IN TRUNK: You too, officer!
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Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes yesterday! I have a cold, so I spent it at home with my wife, playing board games and watching Spirited Away. So basically, same thing I would've done anyway. It was great!
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Anyone remember when music stores used to have kiosks w/ headphones that everyone would use? Even back then I was like, I’m probably gonna get COVID from this.
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Sound on. Volume up. Even if you’re in the middle of a business meeting. Volume way up.
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Dear glasses wearers, I recently got reading glasses. I smudged them once… and, so I guess that’s it - they’re forever smudged now, no matter how much microfiber I rub on them. I’m so sorry I never understood your plight.
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I don’t have kids but I keep my dad bod going in solidarity. Happy Father’s Day!
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My doctor suggested I take the shingles vaccine. I asked if he had taken it, and he said no because he wasn't old enough, so I strangled him with his stethoscope. Please don't tell anyone.
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I lost 200 followers today. My question is: what's wrong with the rest of you?
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If you have to ask how much it costs to fly to space in a penis shaped rocket ship, you can’t afford to fly to space in a penis shaped rocket ship.
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Just saw a mouse. He was totally stirring. Stupid mouse is gonna screw it up for all of us.
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