Kelvin Rodrigues @KelvinROfficial profile

Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

Followers

19,998

Following

18,131

Media

1,147

Statuses

137,539

… Writer, Father of 3, Creator of Haskins & The Commander, #vss365 ambassador and slightly obsessive retweeter of #vss365 tweets

https://t.co/lxeWADF4HB

London

Joined June 2012

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Pinned Tweet

Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 months

"Who's she, Haskins?" "This is Lucy Lastic, the jewellery #heist perp." "Why's she dressed like that?" "To fool us." "By dressing like Sgt Pepper?" "It's not her normal outfit." "You mean she's Lucy in disguise with diamonds?" "She thought it would Beatle of us." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

6 years

I did it! I DID IT! I only went and bloody did it. 50116 words. I beat #nanowrimo #NaNoWriMo18 #BGNaNo in 17 days. Thank you. Thank you everyone for believing in Haskins and The Commander. You all inspired me to do this.

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

1 year

@Zazamyodor After returning from a trip to the barbers, my daughter told me I looked like something she'd drawn with her left hand. I was both immediately destroyed... and so damned proud of her.

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

6 years

@bevlash @BrydieLK I saw a guy do the same on a tube train. He couldn't have looked more intimidating if he tried (think angry Hell's Angel). He saw no one move for a very pregnant woman & bellowed down the carriage (which one of you a-holes is gonna let her sit) & at least half a dozen jumped up.

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“I need your help with a #mystery , sir.” “Of course, Haskins. What’s up?” “My neighbours have been given some land to use as a vegetable garden.” “How jolly for them.” “But every night, a stranger comes and spreads another layer of soil on it.” “The plot thickens.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Want to try some of this, Haskins?” “What er... what is it, sir?” “It’s rather nice German sausage.” “No, no, no... keep it away from me.” “Don’t be such a pessimist, Haskins. “Pessimist? How on earth am I a pessimist, sir?” “You seem to fear the wurst.” #vss365 #worse

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

My new favourite joke (for today at least). A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "5 beers please."

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“You seem rather happy today, Haskins.” “I am sir, it seems I’m getting smarter.” “And how has this miracle occurred?” “I completed a jigsaw puzzle well before the finish #date .” “Puzzles have deadlines?” “Oh yes sir, it took me a month, but the box said 6-9 years.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“What a mess, Haskins.” “Yet another tragic, yet mildy amusing, accident sir?” “Let’s see shall we? The army officer was standing here when the #organ was dropped on him.” “He didn’t look up?” “If he could C sharp, he wouldn’t B flat.” “Now we have A flat major.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

"You had a date sir? Really?" "Yes Haskins, I did. Lovely #girl , unusual name though." "Well I'm happy for you, sir. What's her name?" "Her name's Simile." "Oh cool name, very exotic. So, where did you go, what did you do?" "Oh not much, I just metaphor a coffee." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

1 year

@ask_aubry Saved with tongues? Saved and filled? It's not just Satan's daughter who's having fun.

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

"Haskins, what's that Trevor's drinking?" "He says it's a smoothie, sir." "Jolly good show, a new fitness #regime , eh?" "I guess so." "What er... what flavour smoothie?" "I'll ask... he says it's tomato, sir." "He's drinking the ketchup again, isn't he?" "Yes." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Useless, blasted thing!” “Problem sir?” “My new phone won’t work, can’t even call Tech to complain. One day, Haskins, I’ll be feared and respected by fools like them.” “I wouldn’t hold my #breath sir.” “What? Why not?” “You’re trying to call them on a calculator.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Haskins? Where have you been? It’s been weeks since I saw you.” “Sorry sir, I was scuba diving.” “All this time?” “Every single day.” “Why?” “I think I’m obsessed with #Benthos .” “With what?” “Seaweed and such like, sir.” “Oh dear.” “It’s ok, I’m seeking kelp.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Grab your coat, Haskins.” “I’m not going out in that, sir.” “It’s only little balls of ice.” “Hail no, I’m staying.” “It’s pronounced #hell .” “So those are hell-stones?” “It’s not that bad, look, there’s a woman walking her dog.” “She deserves eternal dalmatian.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Have you noticed this, Haskins?” “Noticed what sir?” “The face on this wanted poster.” “Um, sir?” “Note the empty, soulless eyes, that #familiar , desperate, sneering look which speaks of unspeakable evil.” “Sir, that’s the mirror, I haven’t put the poster up yet.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

"What's that, Haskins?" "It appears to be a #poem , sir." "What sonnet?" "Blood, sir. From the murdered poet." "Do we know why he was killed?" "He didn't pay what he ode, sir." "The killer stanza good chance of escape." "This case seems to go from bard to verse." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Haskins, I was thinking.” “Well done sir.” “I think I want to be bi-lingual.” “You want to sleep with women AND men?” “No, bi-lingual, I wish I #spoke another language.” “I can speak 3 languages, sir.” “You? Really?” “Yes sir. English, Australian and American.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“How did it go at the Tandoori restaurant, Haskins?” “The chef’s in a bad way, sir. He’s in a Korma.” “Any witnesses?” “Naan who were willing to talk.” “The chef’s wife?” “Has an alibi sir, we can tikka off the list.” “Well done Haskins, #curry on investigating.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Sir, can I borrow £10?” “We just got paid Haskins, how can you be broke?” “I’ve invested my money.” “Invested? In what?” “This guy in the pub told me about a manned space mission to the sun.” “That’s impossible, they’d all die.” “Not if they go at #midnight , sir.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“What’s that Haskins?” “Orange #crush , sir.” “Is that the new flavour from Dr Paprika?” “It is, and it’s delicious.” “My uncle used to work in their factory, crushing the used drinks cans.” “That’s cool, sir. Was he happy there?” “No, he said it was soda pressing.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“So why did you get married, sir?” “I lacked all sense, Haskins, I was foolish.” “You’re saying you decided to #folly your heart?” “Yes, and I’d have been better in the jungle where the lion sleeps tonight.” “In the jungle?” “To chase a whim away.” “A whim away?” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

10 months

I have been living a lie all these years, and it's way past time that I came clean and corrected a most egregious wrong. I have never seen this movie...

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“We should investigate in the countryside more often sir, this is lovely.” “It does have its charms, Haskins.” “Oh look, sheeps.” “A #flock of sheep, no s.” “A flock of cow, too sir.” “Herd of cows, Haskins.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows, I’m not that thick.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“This is awful sir.” “What’s wrong Haskins, you don’t like the circus?” “I don’t like investigating a lion-tamer committing suicide in front of 500 people.” “It does appear somewhat arrogant of him.” “It’s grisly, sir, but arrogant?” “He let his pride #consume him.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

1 year

"You seem angry, Haskins." "It's my new Mary Poppins lipstick, sir. The colour's amazing." "But?" "But it's broken." "Already? That was quick." "And it makes my breath smell, sir." "It is rather unpleasant." “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Did you get him, Haskins?” “I got him sir, and a confession.” “He admitted being the Knutsford cannibal?” “He did, although I think he tried to #obfuscate me.” “How exactly?” “He said he was a simple humanitarian.” “A what.” “Like a vegetarian, but for people.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Look sir, it says here some lady swam the #frantic .” “The what, Haskins?” “The water separating us and France.” “The Channel?” “I’m sure it’s the Frantic, it’s between us and France.” “That’s like saying the Atlantic is between us and Atlanta.” “It is, isn’t it?” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Now this is more like it, sir.” “It’s not every day we have to stakeout a pizza restaurant, Haskins.” “What are you having?” “I think I’ll have a margarita, what about you?” “I’ll have the #comet pizza.” “What on earth is that?” “Like yours, but a little meteor.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Are you enjoying that, sir?” “It’s delicious, Haskins.” “It can’t be good for you.” “If I ever need a heart transplant, we can use my wife’s... it’s never been used.” “And yet you two were #lovers , sir.” “I know, you do the maths.” “I look at your X and wonder Y.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“This is a waste of time, are we sure it’s even a crime, sir?” “It seems, Haskins, that someone has stolen a load of #iron ore.” “Or what?” “Never mind that, why would anyone steel it?” “Maybe it metal their requirements, sir.” “Or perhaps they were easily lead.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Did you enjoy school, Haskins?” “Why do you ask, sir?” “Do you ever have a #yearning for the good old days?” “No, I hated it sir, I hate nostalgia.” “Why’s that?” “The grammar lessons were too hard, sir.” “Whereas I find the present tense, and the past perfect.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

Today marks 10 days since I forgot Haskins and The Commander's first birthday. 1 year and 10 days since they first appeared on #vss365 . Here's to Commander Bob Smeg, agent Emma Haskins, apprentice Trevor Crapper and their dog Lassie.

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

"I have to say, I'm disappointed, Haskins. Why pistol whip a #fortune teller?" "She was a fraud, sir" "Really? And how did you find out?" "She hadn't won the lottery." "I'm surprised she didn't laugh at you" "She did, and I was always told to strike a happy medium." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Well, Haskins?” “Yes thank you, sir.” “No I mean “well, what happened.” “I followed the suspect to the beach, sir.” “And then?” “This isn’t easy for me to say, sir.” “It’s okay, you can tell me anything. What did she do?” “She sells sea #shells by the sea shore.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Food fight.” “Did... did you just throw a doughnut, Haskins?” “I’m bored, just a laugh, sir.” “Well, have a tea cake.” “Ha! Missed.” “I won’t miss with this one.” “Don’t sir, don’t throw that one.” “What? Why not?” “Sir, hell hath no #fury like a woman scone-d.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“An entire orchestra killed by a lightining #strike , this is awful, Haskins.” “Why would they play outdoors, with metal instruments, in this weather, sir?” “Who knows? Do we have any survivors?” “That guy seems fine.” “How did he not die?” “He’s the conductor, sir.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“What’s that, sir?” “I was looking through our old files, Haskins. Do you remember Keith Flebbidge?” “Wasn’t he the nutter who thought his biscuit tin had a #demon in it?” “That’s him. He sleeps in a bus shelter, now.” “Really, sir? “Yes, his home was repossesed.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“So they’re a cult, sir?” “A very twisted one, Haskins. They’re convinced that kicking puppies will gain them #eternal life.” “It won’t will it?” “No, it’s all a scam.” “I think I prefer atheism, sir.” “Why’s that then.” “Because it’s a non-prophet organisation.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“What do we know about the deceased, Haskins?” “She’s a phlebotomist, sir” “A what?” #blood doctor.” “That’s not a real word, is it?” “What, doctor?” “No, phlebby-wotsname. Sounds like a Type-O to me.” “It’s a real word, sir.” “Is it? I feel like such a clot.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Do you ever get sick of this, sir?” “Of what, Haskins?” “We do this every day, no thanks, no recognition.” “Sadly everyone thinks we’re idiots.” “I’m no idiot sir, I can count.” “Without taking your shoes and socks off? What comes after ten?” “Jack, #Queen , King.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

"Who's this, Haskins?" "She's our prime suspect, sir." "This is the woman who's been chucking #flowers at the aged rock star every day?" "The same one, although she removes the heads and only throws the stems." "What crime have we arrested her for?" "Stalking, sir." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“I’m sorry I’m late sir.” “What happened, Haskins?” “Change sir, is inedible.” “I believe the word you’re looking for is #inevitable .” “No, definitely inedible.” “And what does that have to do with you being late?” “Trevor broke his tooth trying to chew a penny.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

Please forgive me if I don’t respond to tags or tweets this evening; it’s my birthday & I plan on plenty of alcohol and questionable behaviour. Part of my plan is already underway (hic) P.S. if tomorrow’s Haskins and The Commander tweet is below par; that’s alcohol’s fault too.

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Do you think the other departments even realise we’re here sir?” “I doubt it Haskins, to them we’re just so much #flotsam .” “What’s that?” “Floating debris, I think.” “Well I think they’re full of ship.” “No need to go overboard, Haskins.” “Son of a beach.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

"Not eating your lunch, Haskins? "I hate the green things, sir." "They're good for you." "I hate them sir, they're disgusting." "Give peas a chance." "Who said that?" "Me, just now." "I thought John Lemon said give Peach a chance." "Was it? I can't #imagine ." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“You don’t like her, do you, Haskins.” “I hate how she treats you so badly, sir.” “My wife is a complex swirl, a #vortex of emotion and contradiction.” “A what?” “A Vortex. It goes round and round.” “Like a slinky? Good, because I want to push her down the stairs.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“This criminology lesson is hard work, Haskins.” “Tell me about it sir, I’ve forgotten most of it already.” “Why did the trainer shout at you like that?” “Her fault, she asked for a victimless crime.” “And you said #murder ?” “After a murder there’s one victim less.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

"I've got it Haskins, this time I've actually got it." "Who did you catch it off, sir?" "No, I know how to get MI5 to take us seriously." "When did you figure it out sir?" "Just now, while eating my bacon and eggs." "You're just like that film, Breakfast #epiphany ." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“We’re sinking sir.” “This is your fault, Haskins.” “At least we are now sure our rubber dinghy isn’t bullet-proof.” “The #floodwaters are rushing in everywhere.” “Should we arks for help?” “Do you Noah guy?” “How big is the hole, sir?” “It’s at least two by two.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

3 years

Your 2nd of March, #vss365 Haskins & The Commander prompt: #Smooth "Haskins, what is Trevor drinking?" "He says it's a smoothie, sir." "What er... what flavour is it?" "Tomato." "He's drinking the ketchup again, isn't he?" "Yes." #vss365 #prompt #smooth

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Do you think you’ll ever find love again, sir?” “I’m about to #reach the stage where I don’t care about love or sex anymore, Haskins.” “So what will you do for companionship?” “I was thinking of getting a couple of cats.” “Is that what’s called the male many-paws?” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Well, what can I say, sir?” “I don’t care Haskins, as long as you do not swear in my office.” “I can’t say shi...” “No!” “Or bol...” “No!” “Cu...” “Definitely not, Haskins. “Fu...” “No!” “Eff... “Stop it, right now.” “Sir, #effervescence isn’t swearing.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“What do you want, sir?” “A partner who’s a friend and a lover in a way my wife never was, Haskins.” “I hate that woman, no offence, sir.” “She said I was the worst lover ever.” “What did you say?” “I asked how she could make up her mind in less than 10 #seconds .” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Get him, Haskins.” “On what charge, sir?” “Assault and Battery.” “Can’t you do it, sir?” “In my current state? I can’t volt that fence.” “Are you positive?” “Wire you questioning me?” “Watt do you mean, sir?” “We always seem to have different points of #fuse .” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

I have just received a pretty epic burn from my 11 year old daughter and I may never recover... "There's no need to use photoshop to mess around with daddy's picture, he already looks like something I drew with my left hand." 😱😱😱🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Oh no, what an idiot.” “Problem sir?” “I’ve locked the keys in our car again, Haskins.” “Can I help?” “It’d #amaze me if you could.” “Here, rub these on the door handle.” “Your trousers? Don’t be stup... It worked! How on earth?” “Those are my khaki pants, sir.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Sir, come quickly, it’s been stolen.” “What has, Haskins?” “The office, it’s gone.” “It hasn’t been stolen, it’s this wretched #fog .” “Fog ate our office?” “No, I’ll always remember it.” “Can I just stay home today, sir?” “May as well Haskins, we won’t be mist.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“We made it Haskins, I thought we’d be too late.” “I’m exhausted after all those stairs, sir.” “At least we’ve found their lair.” “Sir?” “Yes, Haskins?” “Why would poets plot to overthrow the government using #seventeen syllables?” “I guess it’s a very high-coup.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Maybe you should seek help, Haskins.” “It’s okay sir, it’s not heavy.” “I meant with your #violence .” “I can’t play one, never tried.” “What?” “Violins, guitars, harps or cellos. Can’t play them, no patience to learn, you see.” “I guess you’re too highly strung.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Do you ever think you’re getting too old for this, sir?” “What do you mean? I’m not that old, Haskins.” “You’re exactly twice my age.” “I’m a fine #vintage . You’re just a baby.” “You’re older and wider than me.” “You mean wiser.” “No, I got it right first time.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“What made you first suspect her, sir?” “I heard a whisper, Haskins.” “A #susurrus .” “Yes, I took it very serious.” “No, not serious, susurrus.” “I suppose you’re right; it goes beyond serious, it is so serious.” “That’s not what it means, sir.” “Seriously?” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Wow sir, this place is bohemian.” “Listen Haskins, to that rhapsody.” “Are they ghosts? Is this the real life sir?” “Is this just #phantasm -y?” “Watch out for that landslide.” “It’s like we’ve escaped from reality.” “Sir, open your eyes.” “What? OW!” “Poor boy.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Can we stop here, sir?” “The bank, Haskins?” “I need to pop into this branch to ask for a loan.” “A loan? You #willow them a small fortune.” “But I like a nice tree-t every once in a while, sir.” “I’m telling you to leaf it alone.” “No need to bark at me, sir.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Where are we, sir?” “This is Ukraine, Haskins.” “Why are we here?” “Our suspect destroys beaver homes.” “Dam.” “I want you to head to the #riparian zone and look for him.” “Why can’t you do it, sir?” “I’ve got new shoes on, they’d be ruined.” “Oh Crimea river.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“That farmer, sir, he looks angry.” “It’s okay Haskins, we’re Mi5, the cream of the #crop .” “He just swore at you.” “Really? How dairy?” “Maybe being alone has driven him insane, sir.” “You’d think he’d work well with udders.” “Quick sir, he’s getting a whey.” “ #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“What on earth? You couldn’t wait, Haskins?” “He was like that when I got here, sir.” “Is he?” “No, I think he’s still alive. He’s just #supine .” “Just what?” “I’m learning new words. Supine, prone, he’s prostrate.” “Tell me you didn’t shove your finger up his...” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Haskins, about the other day...” “Yes, sir?” “When you implied I’m fat.” “I did not, I asked how your diet was going.” “I’m a little tubby, but there’s no need for insolence.” “Insolence? I’m #forever defending you.” “Are you?” “I thought elephants never forgot.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Urgh, there’s ants everywhere. What have I told you about leaving the lid off the sugar, Haskins?” “Literally nothing, sir.” “How do we get rid of them?” “I heard that worker ants are all female, so pour water on them.” “Will it work?” “Yes, they’re not #boy -ant.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Was the drug courier arrested, Haskins?” “Er... I assume so, sir.” “Never do that, it makes an Ass of U and Me.” “Thank you sir, I’ll #mule it over.” “So was she caught, yay or...” “Neigh.” “This isn’t like you, it almost seems as if you don’t really carrot all.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“I can’t see a thing, sir.” “Trust me Haskins, he’s in this smog, somewhere.” “Can’t we come back when it’s clear?” “You mean fog get it for today?” “Wait, what’s that sir? There!” “ #haze getting away, shoot him Haskins.” “Yes sir.” “Did you get him?” “No, mist.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

"You're back Haskins, did you learn anything?" "Not much sir, it was a dead end." "You learned nothing." "Nothing useful, although I did see the grave of the UK's oldest man. He was 344." "344? Wow, that's old. Who was he?" "His name was Miles from #London ." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

"Sir, I'm back from investigating that #heretic cult." "I hope you were careful out there, Haskins." "Of course sir, I always practice safe sects." "Well what can you tell me about this little lot?" "It seems they worship the number zero, sir." "Is nothing sacred?" #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“What did the suspect say, Haskins?” “Sir, he was most #vehement in his protest.” “Most what?” “Vehement sir, it means...” “I know what it means, I’m just surprised you do.” “I’m not as thick as you look, sir.” “Evidently not, it seems you’re quite... wait, what?” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

1 year

@fesshole A genius who overlooked the very obvious variable of another human being and their own actions?

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Give me an update, Haskins.” “The #circus guy who throws stuff in the air has been murdered, sir.” “Do we know how he died?” “I think they slashed the juggler.” “How awful.” “He was also the human cannonball sir.” “How will they ever replace a man of his calibre?” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

3 years

"Who are all those people, Haskins?" "They're from the local church, sir." "Why have they all got rifles?" "They're on their annual #hunt ." "That doesn't sound very christian." "They don't hunt animals, sir. They're all vegan." "What do they hunt?" "Lettuce prey." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

"This road is weird, sir." "Nonsense Haskins, it's just a street." "But every house has a silly #number ." "Are you sure?" "Look sir, 32k, 64k, 128k..." "Over here we have 64gb, 128gb, 256gb." "What's going on sir?" "It seems we've taken a trip down memory lane." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Do you know what I wish for, sir?” “Oh, I know this one, Haskins, world peace.” “No. I wish we could escape somewhere nice.” “Like where?” “Somewhere warm sir, like Athens, or Crete, or Sparta. I’d like to see Mount Olympus.” “Nice idea, nobody would #mythos .” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“I have an urge to sing, Haskins” “Are you okay, sir?” “Yes, but I can’t explain why I feel like singing.” “If you want to sing, then sing.” “In the #jingle , the mighty #jingle , the lion sleeps tonight.” “That’ll be why, sir. It’s just a whim away.” “A whim away?” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

3 years

15th of March Haskins & The Commander #vss365 #prompt #peer "After all my service, I wonder if I'll be made a #peer , Haskins." "You don't like the seaside, sir." "Not a pier, a peer." "You're going to look at stuff?" "No, a peer." "Appear from where?" #vss365 #prompt #peer

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“How was your night, Haskins?” “So great sir, I saw Streamdance.” “Don’t you mean Riverdance?” “No, it’s a tributary act.” “It’s enough to #jive you to drink.” “I also bought a book about a short ballerina.” “What’s it called?” “The girl with the dragging tutu.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“I tell you Haskins, he’ll rue the day he #tangled with us.” “Roo, sir? Like a giant, Austrian, bouncing rat?” “Australian, and wrong rue.” “Like a French street?” “No, no that rue.” “Oh, rue. Why didn’t you say?” “Yes rue, as in how I feel about the day we met.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“I’m bored sir. How can we amuse ourselves?” “No idea, Haskins. I suppose we could tell stories from our childhood.” “Did you have a favourite story, growing up?” “I did, the one about the Spanish guy and his donkey.” “I don’t know that one, sir.” “Don #keyhole T.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Everything ok, Haskins?” “Fine sir, why?” “You look a little er... disheveled?” “What’s a shevel?” “I mean you look a little crumpled.” “Oh right, my local dry cleaners is closed. Do you know I never learned how to wash my shirts?” “ #orion them either, it seems.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“Sir, you know the Roman vampire?” “ #empire , Haskins.” “It was in Augusta, wan’t it?” “Augustus was their leader.” “Well I was Nero.” “And yet so far.” “How did it fall, sir?” “It split in half.” “How do you split a country in half?” “With a pair of caesars.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Sir, would you loan me a few quid?” “You really ought to #refrain from spending your wages so quickly, Haskins.” “You want me to sing about it?” “No, I want you to stop.” “In the name of love.” “No, I mean stop.” “Hammertime.” “Enough Haskins, here’s a tenor.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Will he live sir?” “He might just make it, Haskins. What happened?” “He threatened to choke me, so I rung his neck first.” “I think you mean wrung, not rung.” “No sir, rung.” “It’s wrung, past tense of #wring .” “It’s rung sir, because I hit him with that ladder.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“I don’t understand his problem, sir.” “Ignorance, Haskins, and fear in all probability.” “I thought maybe he hated 80’s rock music.” “What has 80’s rock got to do with it?” “When he said he hated Foreigner, I thought maybe he doesn’t want to know what #love is.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Morning Haskins.” “Morning sir, how was your night?” “I slept like a log.” “That’s good.” “Not really, I woke up in the fireplace. How was yours?” “I watched a documentary about people who set coals on #fire and walk on them.” “Any good?” “It was sole destroying.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Do you know much about this stuff, Haskins?” “What stuff, sir?” “Astronomy, the universe, the stars, you know, #cosmic endeavours.” “I’m a Leo.” “So that’s a no.” “Well, what do you know about stars, sir?” “They’re giant balls of gas.” “You’re such a star.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“That was some storm last night, sir.” “Certainly was, Haskins.” “The tree at the end of our road was #uprooted and fell over.” “How very sad.” “I found all these things by the tree, sir.” “That’s an acorn.” “What’s an acorn?” “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

(Bonus Haskins & The Commander tweet) “Do you know what I #love Haskins?” “Big butts and you cannot lie, sir?” “No.” “The smell of napalm in the morning?” “No. Listening to Tom Jones.” “Really? That’s odd. Is it common for people to like him?” “It’s not unusual.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Ow, Ow, blast, ow.” “Are you ok, sir?” “I got a #thorn under my fingernail, Haskins.” “Have you got any cider?” “Cider? What good’s that?” “It’s good for first aid.” “Really?” “Yes sir. I knew a girl who, when she got a prick in her hand, always put it in cider.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

1 year

"What colour should we paint our office walls, Haskins?" "How about #timberwolf , sir?" "I meant a real colour." "It is a real colour." "Rubbish, it's a pigment of your imagination." "Well, perhaps you ought to hue-mer me, sir." "I feel like I just dyed a little." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

2 years

"How did you do with the test, sir?" "Bloody awful, Haskins." "Why do you say that?" "I've never even heard of #polyandry ." "What about polygamy or polyamory, sir?" "Those neither " "I found the test really easy." "You did? How?" "It was all multiple choice " #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

4 years

“What’s all this, sir?” “This is the last of my belongings from my old home, Haskins.” “You’re having a #purge ?” “Best thing to do now my marriage is over.” “You really had no idea she was cheating?” “Looking back, it’s obvious. She always said “I love you, too.”” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“He was described as #lithe , sir.” “Lithe, Haskins? What is lithe?” “No idea, I didn’t study philosophy.” “Pity, I’ve never understood the meaning of lithe.” “Ask your wife, she lithe down with everybody, sir.” “No point, she’d only deny it.” “So she lithe to you?” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

“Haskins! You’re #alive .” “Oh shut up... sir!” “You seem to be somewhat annoyed.” “I’m exhausted, and all because you made me search all those mountains, for nothing.” “To summit up, you found nothing.” “It’s not funny, sir.” “Really? I think it’s hill areas.” #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

1 year

"It's no good Haskins, I give up." "Problem, sir?" "It's my diet, it's too strict." "Have a little treat, no one will know." "They'll know, they always know." "How can you be so sure, sir." "I just logged on to their website and it asked me if I #accepted cookies." #vss365

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Kelvin Rodrigues

@KelvinROfficial

5 years

"I'll not be thought of as a fool for much longer Haskins." "How will this miracle be achieved sir?" "I'm going to read more." "By reading?" "I'll read the best books; Withering Heights, #paradigm Lost, The Count of Monty Python. Load of the Files, all the classics" #vss365

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