Kelly Sundberg
@K_O_Sundberg
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Following
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Statuses
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Author of GOODBYE, SWEET GIRL ( @harperbooks ). Work in Best American Essays, New York Times, Guernica, The Rumpus, AQR, Denver Quarterly, Slice. PhD. CW Prof.
Columbus, OH
Joined September 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I’m working on a collection of weird lyric essays about PTSD. There is both horror and beauty to be found in the after. Thank you to
@rgay
and
@GayTheMagazine
for giving this one about getting a trauma tattoo a home.
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I'm a single mom, and my son just found out he was awarded a full tuition scholarship for all 4 years to a school that costs more than I make in a year. I can't even describe the euphoria and relief that I feel. The psychic weight of money takes such a toll on single parents.
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I know that Twitter can hate on Roxane Gay, and I don't like it. Here's a reason why: Years ago, she told me I could ask her anytime about what to charge for speaking engagements. Today, I emailed her out of the blue and asked about one that I thought I'd undersold myself on. 1/
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I'm a 42 year old woman with a 34 year old boyfriend. He's the first person I've loved since I left my abusive marriage 7 years ago. He's sweet, kind, and good. Another woman writer basically called me a predator last night because he's younger. What the hell? Where is the line?
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Being a mentor is inherently altruistic. When you find someone famous who is willing to respond to an email within 10 minutes to tell someone not-famous that they're underselling themselves, then you know that the famous person is the real deal. 3/3
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She emailed me TEN MINUTES LATER to tell me that yes, I had undersold myself, and then to give me an accurate number to ask for (which I did). Roxane is such a beautiful writer, but I can't understate how much of a mentor she is to folks like me. Mentorship is its own talent. 2/
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Angelina Jolie is right to follow up with the FBI. My abusive ex was able to get his charges dismissed by writing me a "letter of apology." It wasn't his idea but the assistant prosecutor, Cindy Scott's. 🧵
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My MFA alma mater is censoring my book. Maybe because, when my ex-husband was arrested for domestic battery on campus, they tried to fire me, yet kept him employed? I co-wrote a thing with a rape survivor from that university, and you can read it here.
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1) 7 years ago,
@rgay
was the visiting writer in my PhD in CW program. I felt out of place there, as I'd actually been waitlisted, then let in on a Hail Mary after someone else dropped out. I was also very freshly divorced from an abusive man and raising a kid by myself.
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Last day at OU. I arrived here completely broke—with a second grader in tow and a one-day old divorce. I’m leaving with a PhD, a Best American Essay, a memoir, a teenager, and a tenure-track job. Wish I’d known six years ago that it would look a lot more like a sunrise. 🌈☀️💙
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Some of the most hateful people to me when I started speaking out about my DV were other survivors. My theory is that women who never got to speak out about their own traumas struggle with believing women who do. 1/
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@cassmannes
Thank you so much! He worked really, really hard to get this, and I couldn't be prouder of him. I'm a little proud of myself too! (I knew that I didn't have money, but I trusted that we were resourceful and would make it work.)
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I'm marrying a man 8 years younger than me because I'm quitting my job (he has good health insurance). So my unsolicited advice is to marry a young hottie who doesn't care that you have stretch marks and bags under your eyes, and who also says, "Quit your job. I'll support you."
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In two days, I'll be 44, and I was just diagnosed with ADHD. The doctor said, "It's amazing that you finished a PhD and published a book, but you must have had to work so hard." I unexpectedly started bawling. I didn't expect to feel so sad about all of the time I've lost.
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4) Roxane and I became FB friends, and she occasionally commented on stuff. When my book was nearing release, I emailed and asked her if I could send her a copy. She said yes, then she gave it the best ever Goodreads review.
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@ErikaSwyler
I’m going to jump on the
@rgay
wagon. The list of all she’s done for me is too long to write here, but the most meaningful was when she wrote a job letter for me when I was on the academic job market. I was able to get a tenure-track job. As a single mom, that was life changing.
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I haven't seen white men who have received big advances post their numbers. I saw
@lacymjohnson
call for that. One man responded that it was a "big ask." Yeah, of course it is. Equity in a racist, capitalist society is a big ask, dude. Level up.
#PublishingPaidMe
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My ex-husband *confessed* to the police that he'd battered me. The Assistant Prosecutor dismissed the charges based on his taking anger management classes (anger management isn't recommended for domestic abusers) and writing me a "letter of apology."
Only believing abuse allegations if there’s a conviction in a court of law means you don’t believe victims, period. More than 90 out of 100 victims will never be affirmed in court. Putting your faith in the court system is tacitly upholding the status quo against survivors.
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But I know that Angelina Jolie has a big voice. Her decision to question the FBI's choice not to pursue charges, to ask "Why?," can make big changes for the rest of us because there is more power in the question itself than we know.
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I offered
@theferocity
a ride home from the airport. My bf picked us up in his Prius with my kid and dog. We could all barely fit. Then I asked my kid how his weekend was, and he was like, "My dad's getting divorced."
Saeed said, "This is very Midwestern," and WHERE IS THE LIE?
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The AP never spoke to me and never asked what I wanted. I'd told the victim's advocate that all I cared about was that he take batterer's intervention classes, which she assured me he had.
Spoiler: he had not.
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It's impossible to advocate for yourself in a case where you're never consulted, never asked your side of what happened, and never given any opportunity to offer input about what consequences might be suitable for the perpetrator.
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I deleted my earlier tweet because of a bad screenshot 🤦♀️ so let’s try again! I couldn’t be happier to share the news that
@rgay
will be editing my essay collection, THE ANSWER IS IN THE WOUND, for
@RoxaneGayBooks
. Sometimes you cast a wish into the universe and it comes true. 💙
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@theferocity
read at my little, rural uni this week. A row of my student followed along with their books, and he called them his “book girlies,” which they LOVED. There were teary eyes and big laughs w/in the same hour.
Expanding my students’ worlds is the best part of my job.
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I shouldn’t have to say this, but when someone is being abused or held captive, they can react physically, and that doesn’t make *them* the abuser. When you witness a domestic incident, look for who is terrified and distraught, and that’s almost always going to be your victim.
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@KaeLynRich
Thank you: I’ve thought about this. If he was an aspiring writer, then maybe it could be problematic? Though I still think that would be a matter of choice (I certainly have no power in the literary world). But he’s a scientist. There is no overlap in our careers.
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3) I had a conference with Roxane about my very, very rough essay at the time, and she gave me some critical feedback and told me to send it to her when I was finished. I did, and she published it.
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I just taught graduate students for the first time. I grew up working-class. I have a BA, MFA, and PhD--all from state schools--and a ton of loans. I also have a critically acclaimed book published by HarperCollins. Academia needs more faculty like me.
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I didn't even know how much I'd been failed until it was all over. Didn't feel real anger until I received the letter. It came via certified mail via the prosecutor's office. It was a master class in the passive voice. No doubt, to prevent any tangible admission of guilt.
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Patriarchy already pits women against each other--makes us think that resources are limited--and if one woman gets to speak out and be believed, then how might that feel to another who is still suffering in silence? 2/
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In a finance group on FB, I just witnessed a bunch of women telling an unmarried woman that she should get married "for the financial protection it provides." So here's your friendly reminder that divorce can absolutely ruin women financially, and that's by design.
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I'd deeply craved a real apology. He had written one too. had read parts of it to me on the phone while I wept. His lawyer told him not to send it. The AP's "sentence"--a mandated apology--actually prevented me from getting the *real* apology that he had once written.
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She ran on a platform of bringing God back into the courtroom. I'm not sure where her god was when she was letting my abuser go free, but I know that, at the very least, I held her feet to the fire and made her see what she had done.
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This might be the most unflattering picture ever taken of me, but I don’t care because I had a hysterectomy today because of adeno/endometriosis, and I feel so free and overcome with emotions (the good kind).
Also, pain and all that, but I’m used to pain at this point!
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And of course, no apology could fix what had been broken: My foot. My heart. My family. My spirit. But because I was angry, I followed up. With the help of
@mikelaalexandra
, I questioned how and why the prosecutor's office came to the choices that they did.
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I was privileged, particularly in that I was educated and had a friend who was an excellent lawyer. In the end, the Mon County Prosecutor, Marcia Ashdown, offered me an "apology on behalf of the state of West Virginia" for failing to pursue justice on my behalf.
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In the end, I'm not sure how much my agitating accomplished. The assistant prosecutor who bungled my case so badly that her boss offered an IPV victim an apology on behalf of THE ENTIRE STATE is now a judge in Mon County. An elected official.
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My new rule for myself is that the minute someone uses the term "real survivors," I stop listening to anything that they have to say.
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2) The night of Roxane's reading, Dinty (
@brevitymag
) took me aside and said, "At dinner, Roxane said 'That Kelly can really write!'" My self-esteem was so low at the time that I assumed he was talking about the other Kelly in the program.
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I tell myself that even small agitations--an individual saying, "Why did you make this decision?"--can make big changes. Maybe Cindy Scott will think twice before letting an abuser off the hook again. Maybe someone else will be spared what I suffered. I will never know.
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@motelsiren
When sexuality policing gets conflated with abuse activism, it's just a big mess, and I don't love being on the receiving end of it.
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Kiddo read an essay by
@theferocity
for a class at Columbus Alternative High School, and Saeed Jones mentioned being friends with
@maggiesmithpoet
. Kiddo said, "I didn't realize that Maggie was so famous. Isn't she my emergency contact?"
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I gave up then and didn't pursue a bar complaint. I was tired. It had been a lot of energy and heartbreak. I know there were folks who thought I should have let it go earlier, but I couldn't do what so many others had done. Couldn't passively accept that IPV was just a given.
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As a survivor of IPV, I know that marriage, as an institution, isn’t always good for women. Still, I’m so excited to be marrying someone silly who loves me and my kid and my dog. He’s incredibly competent, and patient with my ADHD, and he designed this beautiful ring himself. 💚
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I stayed up until midnight for this. I have no chill. (To be fair, I’m always up past midnight). My sweetie is still around, and now he’s NYT-famous. Luckily, he loves me. Thank you
@maggiesmithpoet
and
@jrc2666
for the inspiration then feedback.
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The reality is that not everyone has the same kind of freedom to speak out after abuse. I can imagine that, if I was silent because I thought I'd be disbelieved, then it might be easier for me to disbelieve someone who was actively speaking out. It's just classic projection. 3/3
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I might regret saying this, but not all acts of violence are the same. I'm not condoning Michelle Branch's actions here, but domestic violence is a pattern of behavior that is used to gain power and control over an intimate partner. That doesn't appear to be what happened here.
so if i'm reading this right... black keys guy cheated on michelle branch with his manager while they have a six-month-old baby, then michelle branch slapped him a couple of times over it so he called the cops on her and got her booked for domestic assault? this is nuts.
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I published an essay in
@GayTheMagazine
that's an honest look at divorce, coparenting, and "healing" from abuse. I'm so grateful to
@rgay
and
@laura_june
for giving this a home (but very sad that this is the last issue of this wonderful magazine).
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My son has been at school for roughly 5 hours, and I already received his first COVID exposure notice. 😭
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@rgay
I am so appreciative of your willingness to share these numbers. Also horrified. I can think of a couple debut white women writers who used ghost writers and got much bigger advances than your highest. Publishing has a long ways to go when it comes to equity (and quality).
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My experience with abuse by a "liberal, nice guy" was that a whole lot of people had told him in his lifetime he was a good guy, and all that did was contribute to his unwavering faith in himself.
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A thread: This Gabby Petito situation has been triggering to me (as it likely has to most DV survivors), and it occurred to me today that, what I held on to more than anything else from my marriage, was the feeling that something was wrong with *me.* 1/8
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A friendly reminder that trauma survivors have elevated levels of cortisol during normal times, and that we’re experiencing the same cortisol spikes right now that everyone else is (except our spikes are on top of an already elevated baseline). Be gentle, please.
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@amymelissaestes
That's so awful! Why would anyone say such a thing???? I personally love earnestness and appreciation, and I think most folks are the same.
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It’s like a real thing that when women writers have their careers *really* take off, their husbands respond by blowing up the marriage. I’ve seen this too many times to think it was a coincidence.
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My 14 year old practicing his stand-up: Mom used to be normal before she divorced my dad. Then, she got a nose ring and a back tattoo. I had to lotion her back tattoo.
[Looks down. Long sigh. Back up.]
Any of you had to lotion your mom's back tattoo? Yeah, that's nice for you.
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I don't tend to give advice, but I'm gonna do it because I see so many women who are in miserable marriages but stay in it for the kids. My advice is this: LEAVE. You can give your child no greater gift than being the fully actualized human being that you want to be.
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Abuse can make both people act so ugly. My own reactions made me blame myself, see myself as part of the problem. After I left, he said that we were just “toxic together.”
I said, “But were you ever scared of me?“ He said no.
Only one of us feared for our life.
"By this point in our relationship, we were both saying awful things to each other, screaming at each other, and unfortunately when Johnny would start hitting me he'd just win."
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If you're staying for the kids: Mine is 14 today. I left his father 7 years ago. Kid has now spent as many years with us apart as together. Kid is doing great. So happy. Kind too. We'd all be miserable if I had stayed. The best gift I ever gave my child was leaving his father.
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My 16 year old is isolating (pending COVID test results) in his room with a TV, laptop, iPad, and phone. I’ve been putting pizza and ice cream outside his door like he’s a troll under a bridge who I’m leaving offerings for. I think he’s actually in heaven.
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@annehelen
I'm a single mom with a 15-year-old, and we've been doing a ton of pandemic watching. I just asked him his favorites: Parks & Rec, The Office, AP Bio, Superstore, Brooklyn 99, Ted Lasso, & Schitt's Creek.
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Just a friendly reminder that you can move on and heal from abuse without forgiving your abuser. Forgiveness doesn't have to be a part of the process.
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Being a writer is hard. I've had friends describe their books that barely sold as "best selling." Or their 101 likes tweet as "viral." Meanwhile, I'm sitting here with a BAE, a PhD, a book with a Big-5, and I still feel like shit. It's all a comparison game that no one can win.
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The fact that Johnny Depp has convinced the world that it's normal that he used his own blood to write on a wall says everything that I need to know, but if you think that's normal, then you do you.
Also, please get some help.
Oh how I remember the first time I scrolled a hateful note in my own blood on the wall to my partner. It was such a magical moment.
#romance
#redflag
#DARVODepp
#IStandWithAmberHeard
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I got to have my dream crew over for lunch today. Thank you,
@iSmashFizzle
,
@maggiesmithpoet
, Kelly, and
@theferocity
. 💙
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My PTSD from DV used to be so bad that the abuse was like an infinite present—repeating on loop. Right after we took this picture, I told my partner that my marriage feels like it happened to someone else. I never thought I’d be this free again, but I did it. I made this happen.
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This is the only essay that I published this year (outside of anthologies). I'd withdrawn it because I thought they were closed, then
@rgay
emailed and asked me to see it. She has been such a champion of my work and personhood.
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Dr. Curry is claiming that people with PTSD can’t work or function in the world.
Me: PhD, Assistant Professor, Author, Public Speaker, Single Mom to an academically gifted kid. (All done while diagnosed with PTSD.) 🙋♀️
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About 5 years ago, I adopted a terrible cat. I went into this garden shop (that fostered kittens), and they were like, "Hey no one wants this adult cat that we call Big Boy, do you want him?" And I don't know what they smelled in me, but I did it. I ADOPTED HIM. He’s a lot.
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My ex-husband's abuse really escalated when I started to publish more than him. I guess he felt outpaced, but we've been divorced for almost 8 years now, and he still uses Hotmail, so I'm not sure why he's surprised that he hasn't had more success in his life?
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Had to tell my partner tonight, "Until you confront the reality that your parents didn't take care of you when you were a kid, you won't be able to take care of me," and I'm just gonna say that you can't be your partner's therapist, and also, my relationship might be over.
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Get you a boyfriend who will let you name him in an essay in the New York Times. ❤️
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@TyAvery12
Reported by who? Why on earth would I believe a rando who uses vagaries like "some credible people" and actually thinks that's convincing?
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I ended a friendship with someone very sarcastic and unkind recently. Another friend reached out, and he said, "She is both opinionated and mean, which is the worst possible personality combination that I can imagine." I cannot stop thinking about how true those words are.
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If you've survived abuse, surround yourself with people who love you, respect you, and most of all, believe you. Be ruthless in this quest and accept nothing less. Changing the world takes a long time, but changing *your* world is attainable now.
Sending love to survivors. /2
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Dude is over here arguing that Gabby Petito was also abusive because she tried to defend herself. Apparently being dead isn't even a high enough bar for victims these days.
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Being a single mom during the pandemic has been fucking terrible, and I’d love to say I don’t care about holidays, but I totally do. I spent last Christmas alone. This year, I’m gonna have my kiddo, my sweetie, and my best friend (pending rapid test) with me, and I feel great.
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Working-class writers can’t take time off of work, self-fund book tours, pay website developers, etc. This perpetuates what I call “the writing class.” So much of the homogeneity that we see in writing is because only people of a certain class are able to write.
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Posted about my survival strategy for surviving trauma. A bunch of women retweeted it, then two men chimed in to say why I was wrong. Wut. How can my strategy for coping with my own trauma be wrong? Men, who hurt you? Jk. It was patriarchy. Please stop perpetuating it on to me.
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My current partner is everything I've ever dreamed of, and by that, I mean he'll let me be whatever I dream of, you know what I mean? It's not so much about him as it is about who I can be with him, and with him, I can fully be myself.
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Anyone else part of a scapegoat/hero family dynamic where they are the scapegoat but also 100% the more functioning adult than the hero? Is being a scapegoat somehow accidentally empowering?
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I knew something was wrong with *him,* but the gaslighting from him, then his parents, then his friends, then the cops, then the prosecuting attorney, created this mythology in my own mind that I was the problem. My abuser didn't break me, but being disbelieved almost did. 2/8
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I'm honestly a little triggered by this response to Hobart. Where were y'all in 2014 when Elizabeth Ellen defended rape??? I guess I should be glad to see a widespread response now, but it just makes the neglect from back then hurt even more.
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Nothing has healed me more from a lifetime of trauma than the consistent friendship of loving women.
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A good friend will drive across town to go to your neighborhood dive with you and listen to 80s music while drinking milk stout and talking about other selves and all the ways it could have been worse.
@maggiesmithpoet
is that friend.
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It all makes me feel so hopeless, so I try to focus on what I have now. I have friends and a partner who see me as I am: someone loving, and loved, and flawed all the same. I grieve that Gabby Petito will never have what I have. 8/8
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I was talking to
@maggiesmithpoet
this morning, and I said, "I've learned that I let people treat me badly for a long time."
Maggie said, "You mean like your entire life up? Hey guys! I have this pattern, and it only lasted for about 42 years!"
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The best friends with the darkest senses of humor are therapists.
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I love to cook, but my kitchen is tiny. Today, I invested $50 in an IKEA shelf and spice jars, and my bf and I spent the day hanging the shelf, moving stuff around, and pouring spices into new jars. I’m a single parent so have to be frugal, but I’m super excited about the result.
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I have an essay in the latest issue of Alaska Quarterly Review. It’s about anger, ghosts, PTSD, and the color red, and it’s my favorite thing I’ve ever written. It’s in print, so here are some excerpts. Thank you
@BonnieNadzam
for giving this a home.
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I spent my first Christmas/birthday in almost a decade with a partner, and it was also the first in almost a decade that I haven't cried. Being single is lovely in many ways, but it's hard too, and holidays shine a spotlight on how hard it is. Take care of your singles, please.
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As someone who has lived through a lot of traumas, I'd like to introduce the rest of you to a technique I call tunneling. Here's the thing: you're buried, and your only goal is to tunnel until you find air. You don't have to accomplish stuff in the meantime. Just keep tunneling.
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There is very little that's worse than being a survivor who is angry about their abuse while knowing that there are folks who see that anger as the reason they were abused.
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In 8 years since my divorce, I've never introduced my kid to a partner, but he is meeting my boyfriend for the first time tomorrow. Kiddo is one of those kids who will always be popular. Bf is more like me; shy and awkward. They are both very lovable, but pray for me, please.
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I’m on vacation with my younger bf, and he told me today that he’d rather be with me than have kids. Those of you who have been a single mom in her 40s dating a man in his 30s might know how significant this feels.
Also, I think we’re very cute.
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This probably isn't typical, but I didn't enjoy being a mother until I got divorced. Divorce afforded me the best of both worlds--undivided time with my son and then also with myself. Before divorce, I was always only half of what I wanted to be.
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@theferocity
It was the 2000s, so maybe things have changed, but middle-class white women tipped the worst out of anyone. Poor folks (or what I could ascertain from appearances) tipped the best. My mom used to be a bad tipper (see the first one), but I had an intervention with her.
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