KPMoore
@KPMoore8
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USAF Vet. Cancer survivor. NYer for life. DMs welcomed. Humor is good. VOTE BLUE! 🗳 #RESIST #VEEVSTERS CORNER
Brooklyn, NY (Red Hook), DE
Joined March 2020
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A homeless guy asked me for money today. I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going towards drugs"?, I thought to myself. "Nah"! So I gave him the $20.
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I got carded at the liquor store and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said nevermind.
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I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
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Fox News saved my life. I was in the hospital in a coma after a terrible accident and couldn't move. A friend came to visit me and turned on Fox News. I immediately got up and changed the channel.
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn't on top of your car anymore!
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I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
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I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. Just asking for prayers for myself from you all, if possible. I found out at my treatment yesterday that the 2 tumors in my right lung have grown considerably. Thank you!
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If you don't need a mask because GOD will protect you, why do you need a gun?
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We gotta start thinking about the world we'll leave behind for Betty White when we're all gone!😂😂
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This morning, I went outside and saw my neighbor talking to her cat. She obviously thought the cat understood what she was saying. I went back into the house and told my dog what I saw. We just laughed about it!
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I don't normally put my business on here, but most of you who know me know that I have Stage 4 Colon cancer. I had ANOTHER last Saturday and it revealed that I have 3esions on my brain causing bleeding. Pray for me!🙏🙏🙏
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I just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow, the goal is to turn it on. 😂😂
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This year really sucks! I'm going to ask my mom if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table!
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2020 feels like a movie written by Stephen King and directed by Quinton Tarantino!
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I won $8 in the last Powerball drawing. Please respect my privacy as I decide on how to move forward during this exciting and pivotal time in my life. 😂😂
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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
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I don't usually post things about me, but I am in so much pain right now. I could really use my Twitter families support.
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I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised and said, "Thanks, but I could be a serial killer." I told him that the chances of two serial killers being in the same car would be astronomical!
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Let me introduce myself. My name is Kevin. Nice to meet you all!
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I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it's ready!😂😂
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I purchased a world map and hung it on the wall. I then gave my girlfriend a dart and said, "Throw it and wherever it lands I'll take you when this pandemic is over." Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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Riots in the streets. 40 million unemployed. Over 100,000 dead and babies in cages. Is the president done making America great again?
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Due to this quarantine, I finished 3 books yesterday. And believe me, that's a lot of coloring!
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I just had a physical.
The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "Like bacon or burgers?"
He said, "No fatty, don't eat anything."🤣🤣
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They say 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40. All I know is, as I get older, 8pm is the new midnight!
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You know you have a road rage problem when your 5 year old yells out, "Pick a damn lane, you idiot", while sitting in your shopping cart at the supermarket!😂
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When I'm finished eating, I always have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer!
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I hate it when Walmart doesn't have what I want and I have to go home, change out of my pajamas, take a shower and go to Target!😁😁
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Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid...I was petrified!
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Pretty soon I hope MAGA is going to stand for "My Ass Got Arrested"!😉
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Son: Hey dad, I just got a part in the school play. I play a man that's been married for 25 years.
Dad: Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part son. 🤣🤣🤣
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80 beers minus your age plus 40 will give you the year you were born.
Does it work?
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I was in the supermarket and asked an employee where I could find canned peaches. She said, "I'll see" and walked away. I then asked another employee and he said, "I'll see", and walked away. I decided to find them on my own. I found them in Aisle C.🤣🤣
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Just an FYI:
I love you all. And everyone is probably going to say, "You don't even know me". But if people can hate for no reason, I can love! 🙂
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I found $20 in the parking lot and asked myself, "What would Jesus do?" So, I turned it into wine!
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Ladies, have you noticed that you can tell a man exactly where to go in your purse and they'll still bring the whole purse back to you? 🙃
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Good evening everyone. I am in the hospital now, but I'm doing okay. I love you all and I wish you all a great weekend. 😁
I was watching my niece playing in the park. A parent asked me which one was mine. Just for fun, I said, "I'm still choosing". She left with hers.😂
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I see people my age out there climbing mountains and zip lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
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I yelled "COW" to a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.....Oh well, I tried!
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Good news. Doctor called and told me that my last scan showed that my tumors shrunk considerably and I'm on the way to being cancer free. Yeah me!😃
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Just think, if Heidi Klum married Don Ho, she'd be Heidi Ho. GOD help me, I'm losing it!🤪🤪
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If I see one more person texting and driving, I'm going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.
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Before we start working on Artificial Intelligence, why don't we do something about Natural Stupidity?
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I'm gonna be the best man at my best friends second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with, "Welcome back everyone".
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A woman just cut in front of me at the store with a box of tampons, ice cream and a bottle of wine in her cart. I wasn't about to mess with that situation. I know how to choose my battles!
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Today is the 4th Anniversary of when I started chemotherapy. I'm still fighting and I'm NEVER giving up.
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You ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
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Sometimes you might feel like there is nothing or anyone there for you. But you know what's always there for you?
Laundry.
Laundry will always be there for you! 😁😁
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So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?
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It's been quite a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money. Then, I got chased by an angry guy with a guitar!
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I just paid all my bills for the next month. Anybody know any good recipes for water? 🤣🤣
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If you're in hell and get mad at someone...where do you tell them to go?
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I tried killing a spider by blowing weed smoke on it. Now it's in my kitchen eating pizza and drinking my beer! 😂
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The best thing about being over 50 is I did all my stupid stuff before the internet was invented...so there's no proof!!😁😁
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Waiter: How would you like your steak, sir?
Me: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is, sir! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
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The female officer said, "You're staggering." I replied, "You're quite stunning yourself ". She arrested me anyway!
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I'm not going to ever go bungee jumping. I was born because of a broken rubber and I refuse to die the same way!
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If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?🤣🤣🤣
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They should make the Tupperware spaghetti sauce colored right there at the factory!😁😁
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Raise your hands if you ever had to read cooking directions from a package in the garbage!
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Doctors say that each piece of bacon that you eat takes nine minutes off of your life. Based on that math, I should have died in 1732!😂😂
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Just by looking at how some people wear their masks, I fully understand why some contraception fails!
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If Mary was the mother of Jesus, and Jesus was the lamb of GOD, does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
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One moment you're young and fun. The next moment you're turning down the radio in your car so that you can see better.
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I put my scale in the corner this morning. It's going to stay there until it apologizes!
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!!!
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I hear someone threw a beer at TFG at his last rally. But it was a draft beer, so he was able to dodge it! 🤣🤣🤣
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For people who don't realize it, I just post things to put smiles on people's faces. They are just jokes and light humor. I mean no harm to anyone and if I've offended anyone, I sincerely apologize for that!!!
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I finally broke down and joined Christian Mingle. My Username is ComeGetPsalm.🤣🤣🤣
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Things my mom taught me:
Religion...."You better pray that stains comes out of my carpet!"
Logic...."Because I said so, that's why!"
Irony...."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!"
Justice...."One day you'll have kids and I hope they're just like you!"
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I love each and every one of you ladies and gentlemen.. Have a great night!
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At the store there was an X by the register on the floor for me to stand on. I've seen too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that one!!!
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It's a little plaque!😂😂😂
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Apparently it's considered "rude" to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue!!
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Goodnight everyone. Have a great night and enjoy the rest of your week. I'll be getting my chemo treatments tomorrow throughThursday, so I'll be off for a few days. Be safe! And guys, remember: Safe sex doesn't mean having a padded headboard!🤣🤣🤣
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Okay folks. I'm back. Surgery wasn't needed today. It healed itself!! Yeah for me!!!😊😊😊😊
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If you see me talking to myself, it's okay. I'm self employed and just having a staff meeting. 😁😁
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I got robbed at the Shell gas station today. I called the police and they asked me if I knew who did it. I said, "Yeah, Pump Number 8."
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I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your entire tweet is urined.🤣🤣🤣
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"Muffins" backwards describes what you do after you take them out of the oven.
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My friend asked me if I've ever paid for sex. I reminded him that I have children, so yes, I've paid dearly for it!🤣
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I started investing in stocks: beef, chicken and vegetable!
One day I hope to bouillonaire!😂😂
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Remember when there was a phone number that you could call, just to find out what time it was...DAMN I'M OLD!
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Research shows that laughing for two minutes is as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So I sit in the park and laugh at all the joggers.
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I finally did it!
Brought a new pair of shoes with the memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.😂😂
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To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you...I have contacts! 🤣🤣
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Sometimes my girlfriend likes to put my things where I can't find them. She'll put my shoes in the shoe closet, my jacket on a hanger and my keys on the key hook.
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My dentist told me that I needed a crown. I was like, "I KNOW, RIGHT?"
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Did you ever hit a pothole so bad that you find yourself apologizing to your car?
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who's been asked what's in their mouth!
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