Most of life isn't weddings or funerals, feast or famine, drought or deluge. Most of life is fairly boring; a parade of Tuesdays numbly blurring together—punctuated, occasionally, with tragedy or ecstasy. The secret is to find the people you want to spend your Tuesdays with.
In 2008 my friend broke up with his girlfriend of two years via email and ended it with "all the best, Evan" and to this day that is some of the most fucked up shit I have ever heard.
I'm posting this pic because I have nice calves and I want you to see them so you can validate me with compliments and also I have not trained calves since 2009 and they are probably still better than yours so please laud me for my superior genetics.
Last night while I was definitely not on drugs I had the idea to cross-breed an avocado with a potato and I’m pretty sure I’m on to something.
All hail the potavocado.
🥔 + 🥑
If you ever get hold of your friend’s phone, a really great thing to do is go to all their social media accounts and just write the words “masturbating furiously” as their status update.
I mean one time my friend got fired, but statistically that is not relevant.
There are two types of people in this world:
1. People who methodically spoon through a pint of ice cream to eat all the crunchy things first
2. The other type doesn’t matter because they’re fucking dead to me.
Being an adult is managing the despondency and loneliness resulting from the abject certainty that you are the only person on earth who knows how to correctly load a dishwasher.
Therapist: and what do we do when we feel like this?
Me: crush our enemies, see their fields driven before us, and hear the lamentation of their women
Therapist: what?
Me: what?