Joe DeVito
@JoeDeVitoComedy
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Comedian/Writer/Babbler Oct 11-12 Raleigh Improv
Long Island, NY
Joined May 2009
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SEVENTEEN
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連休明け
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DG X ORM KORNNAPHAT
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पूर्व राष्ट्रपति
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The Next Prince Q9
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महान वैज्ञानिक
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FELIP TAKES ON BBPHSTAGE
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JC BBPH MAINSTAGE
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ミンギュ
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Pinned Tweet
What do you MEAN you haven't watched my Dry Bar special yet?? GET ON IT
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De Niro wants to rub a bag of shit in Trump's face - but what if he's already seen "Little Fockers"?
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Greta Thunberg gets to complain & travel the world, which is a white woman's dream
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Anthony Weiner looks like a burglar from an ADT home security commercial
Parents freak out as Anthony Weiner lobbies for more access to son’s school
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Prison officials currently stocking Ghislaine's cell with belts, neckties, extension cords, David Carradine posters, INXS CDs
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Lights out on the streets of Manhattan - people can barely see where they're peeing
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Saturday Night Live returns this weekend with a remotely produced show; still won't be remotely funny
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INTERCOM:
< sigh > "This is your pilot speaking. We're gonna need everyone to move to other side of the plane."
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This Apocalypse sucks. I thought I'd be shooting zombies alongside a wise-cracking robot, not hiding in my apartment spraying Amazon groceries with Lysol
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Brian Stelter texted Jussie Smollett to make sure the sandwich was OK
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@AlfredoDente2
@ateenyalien
I'm with you on that, except these videos seem to be for social media posts. And worse, posts targetting or mocking other gym members
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At CNN, "that dick is out" can mean Cuomo's been fired or Toobin's been rehired
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Ghislaine Maxwell test run complete
Connecticut inmate hangs himself using prison-issued COVID-19 mask
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North Korea is going to have an Asian leader before the United States of America. Let that sink in!
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@ClownWorld_
The time to explore is before you're married, not after.
Rationalization is a hell of a drug!
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Jeff Bezos’ divorce might be the most expensive in history, but it will include free shipping
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I'm helping!
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Biden repeating "Guess what?" as if there's any way to guess what's going to come out of his mouth next
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@Cernovich
Maybe not biggest, but we realize "the college experience" was a scam. Aside from trade schools & med/science labs, all other learning goes online. No more campuses, bs majors, $$ administrators, or big student debt. No more NCAA. NFL loses its minor league
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@RealJamesWoods
Good Lord. The job of the barista is to make coffee, serve coffee, and cleanup after coffee. Now they have to be bouncers, therapists & social workers
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Well this is bad - Biden's sign language interpreter just put on mittens
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At least a Bill Gates vaccine won't have a U2 album hidden in it
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If you have a problem with crimes committed by coyotes, take it up with the Acme Corporation
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Some of those Olympic breakdancers looked like you handed me a track suit and said "You're on in 5 minutes"
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I can't believe it's World War III already - I still have my COVID decorations up
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Start your day with oatmeal haha nice horse breakfast, loser
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RIP Ted Kaczynski.
In lieu of flowers, his family asks that you not send anything
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Celebrities posting "sad" videos from their mansions are extra gross because they don't even know they're gross. They're (gross)²
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Switching New Yorkers to a plant-based diet should improve the quality of street feces
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RFK Jr. needs a full-time staffer whose one job is saying: "Maybe don't tell that story."
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Selling stuff on Craigslist has taught me a lot of people just want to know if things are still available
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I think I have 1/4 chocolate bar in the kitchen but I'm afraid to look for it because what if I get off the couch and it's not there? WHAT IF??
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If the passenger in front of you reclines, don't pound the seat like a baby when you can politely use your garrote
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@HazelAppleyard_
Acceptable "statements to make at a wedding:
- congrats to the couple
- I only dance like this because I'm drunk
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SCENE: A Canadian high school. Teenage Boy rubs magic lamp.
GENIE: Choose wisely, this wish I shall grant thee!
BOY: I wish I had a shop teacher with giant tits.
GENIE: And so you shall.
BOY: Hey, what the fu...
END SCENE
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Sorry to hear your grandmother was a lying whore
Turns out that most grandmothers did not actually cook everything from scratch.
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Enjoy your saline shots, fellas!
Clinton, Bush, Obama willing to take COVID-19 vaccine live on TV
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In the end, Joe Biden cured neither cancer nor malarkey
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BREAKING! FBI searches Jake Paul's home for signs of talent
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I concur - we must settle our differences with BattleBots
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Sat across from an attractive woman with a booger in her nose and didn't say anything because I felt it leveled the playing field
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Re-watching Grizzly Man after Tiger King to prepare me for Snapping Turtle Lady & Skunk Dutchess
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If I die working out at home, I have one request: whoever finds my body, put an extra 100lbs on the bar
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This year I'm marching in the Parade Parade, for people who identify as the Sunday magazine section
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Discussing CNN's decision to bring back Brian Stelter and other employees who can't resist temptation. From FOX News Gutfeld! airdate 9/4/2024
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When I die, scatter my remains over New York City. And no, I don't want to be cremated
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LIST OF PEOPLE TO NOT F WITH ON A FLIGHT:
1) the pilot
2) Mike Tyson
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Somewhere, there's a man insisting on masks but refusing to wear a condom
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Masks may be a drag, but it's never been easier to talk shit about deaf people
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@Clayburn
@InNeverland_
"because they own a minority sex servant"
Jesus F'n C, man. If you're not suggesting he's a racist, what are you doing?
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Screw this gas stove ban. No way am I sticking my head in an electric oven
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More contagious, less serious. Omicron is the Miller Lite of variants
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Another Kevin Spacey accuser dies unexpectedly; police searching for a Person of Interest who left the scene with a limp, then a normal gait
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UPDATE: Lori Loughlin's facing 40 years and R Kelly's facing 30, so he'd better not try to send those girls to college
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Kim Jong-Un's death illustrates the toll chronic obesity has taken on North Korea
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I've already asked Dr Drew to look at my new mole
TONIGHT on
#Gutfeld
! -
@drdrew
,
@CharlesHurt
,
@KatTimpf
, and
@JoeDeVitoComedy
.
10 PM ET on
@FoxNews
!
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@RitaPanahi
Talking to a mirror, so this person is bitching about a confrontation that isn't happening. But the speech is ready to go when it does!
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Awww yeah...
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In November I said "2020's gonna be my year!" so, sorry everybody
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Stay up late on a school night!
TONIGHT on
#Gutfeld
!
@realKTMcFarland
,
@MrDavidAngelo
,
@JoeDeVitoComedy
and
@KatTimpf
. 11pm ET on
@FoxNews
. DON'T MISS IT!!
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She'll steal your heart... plus a lot of merchandise
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Did she say which was worse?
I’m a homeless ex-Playboy model — I lived with Hugh Hefner, now I’m sleeping in a tent
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Amber Heard's statement says she's "heartbroken" - but not yet housebroken
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It wouldn't be fair for me to have a child, knowing I wouldn't be at his graduation.
Not that I'll be too old - I just find those events boring.
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Jeff Bezos cheated with a 49-year-old woman - surprised he didn't pick a mistress in her Prime
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What if AXE body spray were a person...
SCOOP: I have obtained a video of
@ChrisCuomo
partying in the Hamptons two weeks before his brother’s resignation as governor
@HumanEvents
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I can relate to Chris Matthews because I also leave when Hardball comes on
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@libsoftiktok
@PeteJamison
"Sorry, I don't check messages on the very platform I used to reach out to you." 🙄
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