wendy’s kid
@JermHimselfish
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Following
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Media
318
Statuses
21,454
Words cannot begin to describe the way that I feel about stuff
NEK VT
Joined April 2012
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Pinned Tweet
Someone on Nantucket bought a cybertruck and the local newspaper has been following them around making fun of them
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"Just accept it, you lost, now get over it" said the person waving a confederate flag
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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ur in her dms, I’m also in her dms. No one is manning the lighthouse
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Steve from Blue’s Clues just sent me a second video telling me that I suck and that the previous video was not meant for me
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If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.
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The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle. A 15 second ad plays.
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Congratulations to new FBI Director Insanely Rich Old White Guy
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Does the pillsbury dough boy have a skeleton or is he some sort of dough golem?
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
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Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.
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If my girlfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, I'm totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
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Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.
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And it will have dogs, and bees, and dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.
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Every time my girl asks me what I'm doing on my phone, I smile and say "Looking at rings, silly" then go right back to typing dick jokes.
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*pulls away from kissing*
*pulls away from dating*
*pulls away from physical contact*
*pulls away from society*
*pulls out phone*
Nice
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Imagine being named Johnson and meeting another guy who liked putting powder on babies as much as you do and then finding out his name is Johnson also
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@ACKCurrent
Well let me say you’re all doing some excellent work out there as usual, can’t wait to see what happens next in this ongoing saga
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I stare at my phone like a worn down sailor stares at the harsh, unforgiving sea that stole the best years of his life and 2 of his fingers.
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I'm angrier than the saxophone at the beginning of Roseanne right now.
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Rush sounds like what would happen if a math problem started a band with a dragon
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I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
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I like to imagine that the first guy to ever build a deck was like "I'm gonna put an addition on my house" and then just got really tired
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*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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She had a smile that lit up a room. Eyes that held 50 gallons of hot water. Hair that heated the whole house. She cut my energy costs by 58%
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Ed Sheeran always looks like he just stole somebody's blueberry pie.
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Steve Bannon looks like somebody broke a porcelain statue of Nick Nolte's mugshot and tried to glue it back together with barbeque sauce
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If you love free continental breakfast so much then why don't you Marriott.
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Could you please hand me my fanny pack? It's the one that says "Bad Muthafucker" on it.
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My love is like a candle, because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.
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How To Avoid Talking To Lena Dunham While Wearing Headphones
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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Me: I don't know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
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The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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Your hands aren't tied down when you're at the dentist, you're allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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If somewhere in your bio it says "love me or hate me" I already kinda hate you.
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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we're gonna fight crime together
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Optimist: The glass is half full
Pessimist: The glass is half empty
Sierra Mist: The glass has fake Sprite in it
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I can't shake what my momma gave me because it is very hard to shake a lifelong struggle with depression and addiction.
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Biggie Biggie Biggie can't you see
We need to tear down the patriarchy
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My heart was all "I love her" but my head was like "Be careful, you've been hurt before" and my penis was all "Put me where she poops"...
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I've just always assumed that ironing boards were surfboards that gave up on their dreams and got real jobs.
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I love the beginning of autumn, right when the air starts to get cooler and the leaves start to turn down for what.
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Whenever a website wants me to prove that I'm not a robot there's always a small part of me that hopes I fail
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I hate it when I am cleaning off the screen of my phone and I accidentally text my ex-girlfriend 37 times at four in the morning.
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The year is 2147. Every car comes with a Coexist sticker on it. World peace reigns. Dogs and cats kissing. Samsung chargers work on iPhones.
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Spaghetti is my favorite food because there's always a small chance that you might end up kissing a dog while you're eating it.
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I hate when people see me accidentally pull on a door that says push and then I have to rip the door off it's hinges so I don't look stupid.
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Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.
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People will really type “I don’t want them putting a microchip in me” into the large microchip that never leaves their side
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911: What's your emergency?
Me: Everything costs money.
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Life is short, don't over think things. Find someone that you love and put your mouth on their genitals.
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I used to get sad on Mitch Hedberg's birthday. I still get sad, but I used to, too.
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I hate it when I'm trying to wipe down the screen of my phone and I accidentally order 3 trampolines from Amazon
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Sometimes I like to sit on my hand until it falls asleep and pretend like someone else is thirty thousand dollars in debt.
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Make sure to remind her everyday about how madly in love with her you are, because women are stupid and they are always forgetting things.
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I was never vaccinated because my doctor saw me riding a skateboard one day and said that I was already too sick.
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I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and a bitchy girlfriend and a shitty job and a lack of money and another rock.
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
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The person that you become for 5 seconds after bowling a strike is the person that you really are inside
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I don't know why they call it a toilet brush, you can brush anything with this bad boy.
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My credit score is just a 5 minute video of a naked man punching a trashcan in the pouring rain.
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Because of the way the Gregorian and Jewish calendars line up, Toyotathon won't fall on the same month as Lobsterfest for another 87 years.
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Being offended is just the feeling of humor leaving your body.
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One time I drank so much Mountain Dew that I threw up a skateboard autographed by Tony Hawk.
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Jobs are like women because sometimes you don't even know you're losing one until you show up and find some other guy doing it.
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It's pretty funny how men have testicles and women have pure evil that dwells deep down inside the pits of their twisted souls.
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A Rubik's cube but the colors are replaced with a woman's emotions and if you solve it then you get to have sex with it.
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I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.
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What kind of sick, tragic series of events could lead someone to put a Planet Fitness sticker on their car?
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it's day off.
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CNN is reporting that the void is black and endless, engulfing everything around us with no foreseeable end in sight.
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I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
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You know the corn maze is good when ten minutes into it you find a shirtless man crying and screaming about "what they did to Eric"
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My senior photo had to be removed from the yearbook after three kids got lost in my eyes.
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I haven't been able to stop crying since that stranger on the internet said that they didn't like me.
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Make her laugh. It will be hard for her to realize what an asshole you are if she can't stop laughing.
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I always hold doors open for women because their weak little arms aren't strong enough to perform basic daily activities like entering rooms
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I can't wear a wristwatch because that's the same place that I wear my falcon.
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*uses Ouija board*
A R E - A N Y - G H O S T S - W I T H - U S - R I G H T - N O W
*spirit favs but doesn't reply*
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Who the hell called it an all-girl acoustic rock group instead of a wireless broadband?
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Her laugh was infectious. Her eyes were two tiny pandemics waiting to happen. Her hair is being blamed for the deaths of 7 children in Ohio
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Watching the World Cup and I just saw 3 players from Team Mexico sneak over the sidelines and start playing for Team USA.
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Cats seem like the type of animals that would just fuck you and never call you again.
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"I never text and drive" I say, as I merge into traffic and take a bite of my mashed potatoes.
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All fishing is fly fishing if you wear a gold chain while you're doing it and doing it and doing it well.
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Shout out to my mom who hit the wrong button on her phone 3 weeks ago and has been live on Facebook ever since
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Your password must contain all the words that you wanted to say to her but never had the courage to speak.
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Puff Daddy just apologized to me for making all that bad music and I was like "No biggie" and he burst into tears and Sting started singing
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*slowly emerges from behind a waterfall*
"Actually, a peanut is a legume."
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When I die, I want my tombstone to read "He died doing what he loved. Hating whatever he was doing."
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