Jessica Michelle Singleton BOSTON 8/10
@JMScomedy
Followers
16,814
Following
1,134
Media
717
Statuses
7,132
come see me do comedy live! check out my website and join my email list for updates!
second star to the right
Joined November 2008
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Liam Payne
• 2235486 Tweets
ブロック
• 428641 Tweets
LINGORM PANTENE VOGUE TRIP
• 285806 Tweets
Twitterくん
• 275704 Tweets
西田さん
• 262756 Tweets
西田敏行さん
• 241685 Tweets
俳優さん
• 174516 Tweets
生成AI
• 140509 Tweets
Bluesky
• 117652 Tweets
ツイッター
• 111601 Tweets
AI学習
• 98894 Tweets
ブルスカ
• 97057 Tweets
Grok
• 95944 Tweets
利用規約
• 88875 Tweets
規約変更
• 80762 Tweets
イーロン
• 70176 Tweets
スーパームーン
• 66168 Tweets
イラスト投稿
• 64514 Tweets
ぐりとぐら
• 57562 Tweets
pixiv
• 49691 Tweets
블루스카이
• 38970 Tweets
タイッツー
• 35073 Tweets
#INDvsNZ
• 33811 Tweets
他のSNS
• 28940 Tweets
池中玄太80キロ
• 27740 Tweets
Misskey
• 27381 Tweets
ドクターX
• 22833 Tweets
無断転載
• 17317 Tweets
探偵ナイトスクープ
• 14840 Tweets
相互さん
• 14506 Tweets
絵師さん
• 10238 Tweets
This is my favorite Jim Gaffigan special.
15
373
4K
Loving my new Gwyneth Paltrow vagina scented candle.
74
393
4K
It’s really disappointing to hear some comedians and Brendan Schaub being so ignorant about spreading COVID-19.
114
170
3K
Kanye is a perfect example of how our country is failing in mental healthcare. He’s a celebrity in one of the wealthiest situations in the world and even he isn’t getting the help he needs. And instead of having empathy, everyone is just laughing at him.
115
194
2K
They should give tax breaks to people who choose not to reproduce.
26
168
1K
A man offered me $100 for a pair of my used shoes and $500 for a pair of my underwear and I’m supposed to just keep working hard?
40
41
1K
It’s been 4 years since I did a show with a very popular male comic who DM’ed me afterwards to offer me some “advice” and told me I shouldn’t be dirty on a lineup that other comics are on and then unfollowed me on Twitter because I guess he couldn’t follow me here either 🤷🏼♀️
33
14
915
We blasted a playlist of dad’s favorite artists when they removed his ventilator today.
He must’ve wanted to make me laugh one more time because, like a cartoon of himself, he took his last breath during the guitar solo of Free Bird.
91
13
870
@bscomedian
Two weeks ago I was watching one where a woman said, “Oh yeah you’re gonna make my butt cum” and I will never recover from this.
5
7
829
The key to successful dating is to put someone you barely know on a pedestal and expect them to live up to a false image you’ve created of them that they know nothing about.
13
131
829
My dad had the right idea. (He died.)
17
52
809
britney’s instagram > justin’s halftime show
8
283
725
Tag a female comedian who is hilarious that you’re not close with.
749
33
718
@SatisfyingDaily
As someone with rheumatoid arthritis I just want to thank everyone in the comments for drawing such nice sketches of my hands.
1
19
671
I did Conan once. It’s too bad I never got to be on his show though.
14
13
643
That earthquake was so strong it knocked every guy I like off the pedestal I had them on.
13
42
612
I come from a long line of people who think prime rib is the fanciest meal that exists.
25
28
582
Being busy is not the same thing as doing well.
9
52
560
Wait a second. Why aren't corn mazes just called "Maizes" ????
20
50
535
This is a very sad post so please don’t read it if you’re not in a place for that vibe. I’ll probably erase it once I have a clear head but it’s currently 3:30 a.m. and I’m crying in the bathroom of my Florida hotel, so, of course, it felt right to share.
92
4
504
If you're a comedian and you feel weird or insecure taking a great tag someone offers you, know that "Peaches" by Justin Bieber has ELEVEN writers.
9
14
491
If you’re a comedian and don’t like Dave Chappelle’s comedy maybe you should try writing a poignant joke about why it’s bad so everyone can hear you do yet another bit that’s not even half as good as the worst joke he’s ever written. 🤷🏼♀️
15
42
433
Hey food bloggers!
I don’t give a fuck about how you met your husband or how much you love being a mom get to the fucking recipe.
17
44
450
idk what the tide pod situation is but the one time my mom made Rice Krispies treats she accidentally melted a spatula in them and didn’t tell us for 20 years. She yelled at me for complaining about the taste and made me eat them. Good night.
8
49
388
"I'll always love and care about you." - a huge lying piece of shit
12
62
387
Anxiety will convince you to flip out about things that don’t even mean anything to you and depression wants to keep you from caring about things that mean everything to you.
Don’t forget that neither of those things are who you are.
10
75
388
For 5+ years, at least one person at every major comedy touring agency has “loved the what I’m doing” but nobody has actually offered to work with me so tomorrow I’m hiring someone and training them to handle my bookings because I can afford to because I’m a fucking commodity.
19
15
384
Antonio Brown just left the NFL the same way I quit Carls Jr in high school.
9
22
367
Today was a pretty sad day for my family. Someone stole the rug they've been sweeping everything under.
14
61
357
I've always wanted doing my best to be enough. It finally is. Thank you,
@TheComedyStore
. ❤️
28
15
347
I made a joke about being bisexual for the first time on stage tonight. It felt nice.
10
0
346
Oh no big deal, just
@chrissyteigen
and I—two hilarious supermodels—hanging out backstage at
@TheComedyStore
last night. Typical Saturday.
10
7
336
My friend just posted a picture with her kid with the caption, “I don’t know what I did to deserve a love like this ❤️”
Ummm..you let someone cum inside you. That’s what you did.
15
32
330
I’m on a flight from New York to LA and I started crying because all I’ve ever wanted was to be a comedian who flies from coast to coast so literally everything from here on out is a cool bonus.
15
9
335
Please go watch
@bertkreischer
: Secret Time which is now out on
@Netflix
. If not because he’s funny, then to help me mentally justify taking this photo in a blackout.
21
20
320
People are trying to cancel Burger King, now? A fast food restaurant? Get the fuck off the internet and go for a walk, losers.
22
41
311
lol imagine telling someone they’re “too immature” to get an abortion but being totally cool with them having a life in their hands
Florida abortion bill would require judge to rule if teen's mature enough to terminate pregnancy
545
251
658
12
57
291
I hope Tormund returns to Winterfell in the
#GameOfThrones
finale and makes Brienne of Tarth squirt so much it drowns the last dragon.
10
34
280
I just realized I’m doing the Brody spot to a sold out Main Room ON Brody Stevens Day. 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔
15
6
288
I’m in a Zoom wedding and someone hasn’t muted themselves and is going on very loudly about alimony, prenups, cancer and plastic surgery.
17
8
282
Me: I hope I made my dad proud. 😢
Also me:
28
5
278
Random man, after I got off stage, unprovoked:
“It’s too bad you’re famous. I could never date a girl more famous than me.”
Ahh, yes. That’s what’s keeping us apart: my pesky fame and definitely not everything about your appearance and personality. How devastating.
17
9
266
I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING 😭😭😭😭
7
47
261
The reason women love dogs is we can be extremely successful in our career and our dogs won't feel like they're less of a dog because of it.
12
42
270
I did it. I’m a certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Practitioner. 🤷🏼♀️
I'm less than six course hours away from being certified in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for no reason other than believing I would not find anyone capable of helping me learn the tools to overcome my trauma and therefore had to do it myself. NEGATIVITY WORKS!
5
1
110
20
0
270
818 Forever. Miss you, friend. 💙
10
33
260
I’ve been hit up by more industry after one day of doing country music than I have from 10 years of doing comedy.
19
10
274
If you think I'm flirting with you, I'm just being friendly. If you think I'm weird and I make you uncomfortable, I'm flirting with you.
11
139
255
You know what I’m really enjoying? All the white women who finally learned about racism two weeks ago preaching at me with their new found buzzwords.
8
12
252
I DID IT! I'm finally successful enough that random men go out of their way to find my social media so they can personally tell me I'm not funny!
33
18
240
A lot of people say public speaking is their biggest fear. Mine is that I’ll deeply fall in love with a man whose dick is too big to fit inside me.
23
26
248
Jury duty pays you $15/day and they want to tell you how to dress? Fuck off. I’m wearing nipple tassels and sweat pants that say “guilty af” on the ass.
8
20
242
Really didn’t think I could feel worse but here we are.
12
7
251
The trash ass guy I dated in 2011 who I caught messaging 16 year olds has already created a “clever” meme about Chris D’Elia 🙃
11
0
245
A week ago I brought up Brody in the Brody Stevens spot for what I didn’t know was the last time. I hugged him a little too long and told him I love him so much because that’s just what I always do when I bring him up. Because I did. And I still do. And I always will. I miss him.
5
5
237
My dad—who has made no attempt to speak to me since 2008–sent me a friend request on Facebook two weeks ago. Tomorrow, for Father’s Day, I’m going to finally get around to declining it.
14
2
227
“Are there any men left who are brave enough to ask women out?” she wondered, scratching her butt and eating corn chips while she stood there nude in mismatched socks.
16
19
226
Please stop telling me I’m “smart enough” to do clean comedy and that I’d make more money.
You know what else I’m smart enough to do that pays more? Rocket science!
Guess what? I’m never going to do that, either, you stupid fucks!
18
16
224
@iamcardib
It’s all fun and games til he get older and they start clappin you in the belly button 😩
20
8
219
My ex is uninstalling all the sconces and taking them when he moves out because figuratively taking the light out of my life wasn’t enough.
25
3
222
ATTN ALL MEN WHO THINK FEMALE COMICS TALK ABOUT SEX TOO MUCH:
WE TALK ABOUT THE THINGS WE THINK MOST ABOUT. MAYBE IF MORE OF YOU KNEW HOW TO MAKE WOMEN CUM WE WOULDN’T BE SO HUNG UP ON SEX.
19
15
207
As a white woman, having Rheumatoid Arthritis is particularly devastating because the first thing I’m going to lose is the ability to point my finger at others.
6
20
215
My album recording starts in one hour and I can’t stop shitting. Comedy is back, baby!!
14
4
215
My heart is broken. Brody Stevens was one of a kind, with a heart of gold. Watching him close the Main Room taught me so much about being myself and letting go on stage. He taught me to push and believe. Thank you for sharing your gift with us, Brody. I really enjoyed it. ❤️
2
10
209
OMG ARI SHAFFIR IS LEGALLY MY FATHER
22
6
204
Can I make a registry for my breakup?
22
4
206
If you think defending the right to joke about mental illness isn’t the hill I’m willing to die on you clearly have no idea how willing I am to die.
8
23
194
I met my boyfriend on Hinge and he disliked cheese so much that he mentioned it in his profile.
We’ve been a couple for three months and last night he said he likes cheese now.
Don’t believe the hype, ladies!
You CAN change them!
13
4
206
”What the world needs now—more than ever—is comedy.”
- an insane person
16
10
183
Today is summer solstice but every day is the longest day of the year when you have chronic depression. Happy summer!
9
41
195
I really hope the entertainment industry doesn’t take way all they haven’t given me for speaking up.
4
7
187
One time a couple got thrown out of my show because the woman was giving the man a very loud handjob. After the show she asked if she could pray for me, then hugged me and started praying for me out loud while smooshing my face against her chest. Support live comedy.
A guy pulled his dick out and pissed at his seat during the last show. In a theater with people all around him 😧. Then the police came and took him away. 👮🏼♀️
Support live comedy.
324
599
11K
16
9
174
Who’s the person you barely knew that you randomly got super close with during 2020?
My person is
@KateQFunny
. I knew her very distantly through comedy and we got close because of
@deeburdett
. She’s fucking incredible and she needs our love and healing energy right now. ❤️
8
6
175
Maybe I’ll postpone my Sober October and just do a “November to Remember” where I don’t blackout.
6
9
166
FYI Sending a comic your unsolicited bits is unwanted in every sense of the term.
19
14
172
I can’t be the only one who noticed that all the famous female comedians who shout how much of a “feminist” they are from the rooftops aren’t saying a fucking word.
19
7
166
It’s crazy how many people are mad about how quarantine is affecting the economy instead of directing that anger toward the fact that we’ve built a society which relies on the majority of people working their lives away in order for said economy to function.
19
26
157
I’d never survive in A Quiet Place with John Krasinski. We’d all die from the sound of my pussy dripping.
14
10
159
Karma is a bitch. I just hurt my back doing an impression of my chiropractor.
4
7
163
Norm Macdonald complimented my sunglasses once and gave me a hug and I left the situation simultaneously filled with joy and wondering if I was just part of a bit I didn’t get.
3
2
159
Hi men! If a woman extends her hand to shake yours it means she doesn’t want to hug you. Read the room, you fucking idiots.
11
13
157
REMINDER: You are more than your diagnosis, more than your trauma, more than your job title, more than the number in your bank account or on your scale. It's as okay to be different as it is to be similar. Treat everyone with love, but don't forget that everyone includes you. :)
6
35
161
I fucking hate the entertainment industry.
Pete Buttigieg Signs With CAA And Brillstein Entertainment Partners
92
35
173
9
0
159
I just want someone to love me the way my ex loved himself.
7
19
150