Not Jim Carrey
@ItIsJimCarrey
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ALRIGHTY THEN! Bringing you the funniest tweets on the twitter! I am not affiliated with the real funny man Jim Carrey!
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Gay marriage is legal in 6 states, but having sex with a horse is legal in 23 states. Good job, America.
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Gay marriage is legal in 6 states, but having sex with a horse is legal in 23 states. Good job, America.
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Phillip Phillips win wins American Idol American Idols
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Gay marriage is legal in 6 states, but having sex with a horse is legal in 23 states. Good job, America.
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When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow
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My love is like a candle. If you forget about me I will burn your house down.
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The average person probably thinks they're smarter than the average person.
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Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me," yet here I am.
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Pizza is like sex, when it is good it's very good, when it's bad...it's still pretty good.
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To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
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A dick has a sad life: His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, & his owner beats him.
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"Get a Load of this Guy" would be a great name for a sperm bank.
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You don't realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby.
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They should name hurricanes after black people. Sandy doesn't sound threatening, but you get the fuck out of the way for Hurricane Shaniqua.
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Birth control should be for guys. It makes more sense to unload the gun than it does to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
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My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." So I am now sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume.
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If Monday was a girl it would be a fat girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.
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I like Super Mario, he's like "I'm Mario, I'm an Italian plumber created by Japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."
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"One Direction" has 12 letters. So does gayyyyyyyyyy. Coincidence? I think not.
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Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said: "Disneyland Left." So they started crying and headed home.
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You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.
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I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hippy brother who lives in a recycling bin.
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Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions.
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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"
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If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just really hope they segregate us by genre.
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When I was buying condoms, the check out girl asked me "Would you like a bag, sir?" I replied: No thanks, she's not that ugly.
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Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you, because drugs are expensive.
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If Monday was a girl, it would be a fat girl who likes horses, and tells the teacher when you cheat.
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I don't know how people get eaten by sharks... I mean, do they not hear the music?
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I like my women how I like my coffee. Without a penis.
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You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
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If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people. They are the ones who keep having gay babies.
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If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.
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If a white person eats a dessert and no one is around to Instagram it, did it even happen?
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Do I love you? Baby, I would drag my balls across a mile of broken glass just to hear you fart through a walkie-talkie.
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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
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I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their fucking stupidity.
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Alcohol is never the answer... But it does help forget the question.
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I think its time Taylor Swift came out with a song called "Maybe I am the problem"
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When I laugh at something on the Internet, I don't actually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose or mouth than usual.
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I would like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them.
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You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.
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Procrastination: working tomorrow for a better today.
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I don't care what you think of me. James Blunt thinks I'm beautiful.
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brb, throwing lamps at people that need to lighten up
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My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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I saw a fat guy today and said, "You're a big boy!" He said, "tell me something I don't know." So I said, "Salad tastes good..."
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Chris Brown hits her, Eminem lies to her, Drake can't remember her name = The life of Rihanna.
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My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
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There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on Lego
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Twitter: Where strangers are mostly friends. Facebook: Where friends are mostly strangers.
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I've come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know.
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Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
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"I love you. I love you. Pay attention to me. I love you. Ok I'm fed now. I HATE YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" - Cats
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If Monday was a girl, it would be a fat girl who likes horses, and tells the teacher when you cheat.
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How does the guy who discovered milk explain what he was doing to the cow?
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When CNN says they're "breaking news" they are, in a sense, right.
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When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.
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You're at Starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I've never seen one before.
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SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
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I thought I was in the Cash Cab with all the flashing lights, but turns out I was drunk and arrested and the cops hate trivia.
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I tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive, but its hair looks fabulous!
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Does it disturb anyone else that "The Los Angeles Angels" baseball team translates directly to "The The Angels Angels"?
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If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark who throws up so many people, that they have to open a beach.
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When I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying "I hid the body."
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Next time someone calls "shotgun", just yell out "Rosa Parks!", then get in their seat and refuse to move.
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I tried to make my password "mypenis" but the computer complained it wasn't long enough.
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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"
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They used to be called "Jumpolines." Until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
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I don't hate you, it's just, if you were on fire... I would roast marshmallows.
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Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.
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If he remembers your eye color after the first date, you probably have small boobs.
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Sometimes when I'm home alone, I cover myself in vaseline and pretend I'm a slug.
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A rejected highfive is one of the biggest insults there is.
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