Radiohead is suing Lana Del Rey for copyright infringement because Thom Yorke thought he was the only poet who could make beautiful, dreamy, depressing music.
Comedians aren’t brave. We are narcissistic weirdos who can’t function in a traditional work environment so we point at things and say “isn’t that dumb?”
Hardest bomb of my life. Tried everything to connect. 53 minutes of silence. All I can do is take it as a learning experience and get AS DRUNK AS I POSSIBLE BEFORE THE BARS CLOSE.
I’ve been with my partner for 15 years. She thinks I’m cheating on her 5 nights a week and I’d rather have her believe that than know the truth which is that I’m doing stand-up comedy for $20.
After 32 harrowing days in the hospital, I’m finally being discharged tomorrow. I cried when the doctors told me. My next chapter begins tomorrow. Here. We. Fucking. Go.
Universal Basic Income is hilarious because multiple studies show that everyone would have access to more food, gainful employment, educational opportunities, and leisure.
Isn’t that so funny????????
A 10-year-old boy recognized me tonight at Runyon Canyon. With a big smile on his face he said “other people think you’re mean but I know that you’re just kidding.“
My heart exploded.
Last night a new comic told me “my first sets were rough but I think I get it now.”
I asked her how long she’s been doing it. She said “this is my third time.”
I told her she’s definitely going to make it because that’s the funniest shit I’ve ever heard.
After 12 years of employment, I informed Universal Studios that I will not be returning.
From now on, the only tickets I’ll be selling will be for my own shows.
Fucknuts. I have cancer. I’m going to treat this like I do everything else: jokes, laughing, silliness, shiny outfits, fun, and a huge dose of chemotherapy. This video should answer many of your questions. I love you.
I’m the last comic standing on America’s Got Talent.
Voting for me is voting for comedy.
If you don’t own your flaws, your flaws own you.
When I step on that stage tonight, I’m doing it for every person who has ever been afraid to be themselves.
#agt
Only comedians will find this funny. Last week at Flappers, during the raffle at the end of the show, an audience member raised their hand to ask the host:
“Where is Flappers University located?”
The show just called me to read me every tweet they found offensive on my timeline for the past 10 years. It took over 30 minutes.
And let me tell you, 2011-2013 were WILD.
Last night after the show a dude in the crowd walked up to me.
“Hey man I gotta tell you. I used to watch America’s Got Talent in prison and everyone on my block loved you. This was so cool to see you in person.”
And that’s it for comedy on
#AGT
this season.
America has decided laughter is not allowed this year.
I’m extremely proud of what I accomplished on the show.
My freak flag is flying high and I can’t wait to see where this takes me.
I love you all.
My 10 Year anniversary in stand up is this Saturday so I wrote down the most important lessons I've picked up along the way. Wherever you are in your career, this will help and entertain you.
I’m getting choked up by these messages. People are telling me I’m their hero. That I’m an inspiration of how to live freely. That I stopped them from feeling sad. One person said his 9 year old cried when they kicked me off. Never underestimate the power of comedy.
#agt
I barked 20 people into my show tonight in Chattanooga. I stood outside and told people why I think they’d like me and got all of them to buy tickets. What a win for the first night of this tour.
Last night someone told me they started stand up comedy to make money and now I know they will be successful because that was the funniest joke I’ve ever heard.
Yes I’m overwhelmingly positive and it came from years of excruciating self-care and deep reflection so if you’re not down with it you can go smile and eat a sandwich while I’m over here figuring out how to love you.
3 rounds of chemo with minimal side effects. Round 4 is smacking me in the face. Exhausted, sore, sweating, freezing. First time I’ve felt like I was truly sick. I kept saying how easy this was. I think the cancer gods heard me and this is my punishment.
If you book me to do comedy I will:
A) Promote
B) Be punctual
C) Prepare and give it my all on stage
D) Support other comics on the show
E) Wash my hair
F) Not harass anyone
G) Ask if I can hug you but will respect if you say no.
I used to celebrate being on TV. Today I made my own breakfast, did the dishes, and showered. Huge win in the healing category. Nothing is to small to celebrate. One day I may even have sex with my wife again. Dreams do come true!
Im trying to sell tickets and the comments on my clips are overwhelmingly positive. When others share them without tagging, those people don’t follow me and usually don’t know my name. My career depends on visibility combined with name recognition.
Yesterday I turned 35 so I did a 35 hour social media blackout. Here’s how I celebrated:
-Flopping it out at a nude beach
-eating oysters and ribeye
-boning it up
-smoking DMT
-crying while listening to Lana Del Rey
-Housing a Carvel cake
A truly magnificent day.
I know I’m going to survive this diagnosis because 5 months ago we said “til death do us part” and there is no way I’m letting my wife off the hook this soon.