Holy Crayons
@HolyCrayons
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Fan of Profanity. Mother of Crotch Goblin 1.0™️ and Crotch Goblin 2.0™️. Wholesome fun for all the family. Probably wearing pyjamas. Bangs on about Bowie a bit.
Geordie Jumpers
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Obviously, there is a strong argument to not expand the family further.
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Not wanting to sully such a wholesome family photo... But Matthew Wright appears to have taken on the form of my year 10 netball teacher, Ms. Barber.
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Thank you all so, so much for your messages today. You're all lush.
He's still sleeping off the anesthetic, but he's had some milk and juice and had a wet nappy, so I'm not stressing.
Much...
Oh, the surgeon managed to remove ALL stitches from his first graft too 👍🏻
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Finishing touches to the baby's nursery finally completed 🥰
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My favourite person in this relationship was Simon Amstell 💓
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Endorphins, Oxytocin and pain relief are a wild combination, lads.
I was convinced he was the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid eyes on.
In retrospect, he looked like something out of Jim Henson's Creature Workshop.
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He needed pain meds.
The pain meds have hit the spot.
Night night x
Thank you all so, so much for your messages today. You're all lush.
He's still sleeping off the anesthetic, but he's had some milk and juice and had a wet nappy, so I'm not stressing.
Much...
Oh, the surgeon managed to remove ALL stitches from his first graft too 👍🏻
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Myra Hindley.
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I've got my baby back ❤️
He went down to theatre at 09:30. I took him myself and gave him a cuddle and a million kisses while they put him to sleep. No easier than the last time, but I did cry a little less, so progress.
Now to wait three hours for the call to go get him from recovery.
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...look at that beardy twat, strutting yards ahead without a care in the world, while I shuffle behind with what's left of my innards, collecting in my noisy adult nappy. I think this is genuine, burning hatred. I'm never going near him again, the fucker can whistle."
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Seeing a lot of videos on Instagram, of fathers walking out of hospital with their new babies in tow and it being called the "Hot New Dad Walk" and women sharing them with proclamations of "I couldn't WAIT to see him do his Hot New Dad Walk 🥵".
I'll level with you...
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Apologies for the static silence, yesterday was a bit intense.
I'm so exhausted I can taste numbers. Will do all your lovely well wishes justice when it's daylight, but I will leave you with this-
I made a clone. And I'm absolutely, unequivocally, besotted, all over again.
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He's back. He's absolutely trousered.
Stitch removed from drainage valve and cataract removed and artificial lens placed.
Transplants both still looking healthy.
Check up tomorrow morning and next Friday 🤞🏻
Thanks for all the love and well wishes troops, you're lush.
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@AngelaOnHerBike
Stumbled across your Tweet by chance, but just wanted to say, I've never wanted to hug a perfect stranger until now. I'm pleased you've had a happy life. ❤️
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I got my smollest baby back again.
Thank you for helping me
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I don't know who needs to see this, but I'm sure someone out there does.
Happy Monday!
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Guess who's extremely long run of shitty luck has just taken a dramatic turn?
Just opened both new boxes of my mental pills NOT AT THE INFORMATION LEAFLET END.
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He went down to theatre at 09:30. I took him myself and gave him a cuddle and a million kisses while they put him to sleep. No easier than the last time, but I did cry a little less, so progress.
Now to wait three hours for the call to go get him from recovery.
Transplant op is tomorrow morning. We'll be at the hospital for 7am. My Doc has given me some propranolol this time seeing as I made an absolute tit of myself last time with a panic attack 🫠
If you see a Geordie lass with red hair, staggering about, its not spice. Probably.
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If it wasn't still contracting back down to size and leaking blood, I would absolutely high-five my uterus, lads.
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What have we all achieved today then? I've played with tiny feet mostly.
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"one of the chunks thats just fallen out of me into my adult Pampers could well be a kidney. Will I ever poo again? I don't care. Can those people hear the rustling sound of my adult nappy? Was that piss or another gush of decimated womb lining?...
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"I HAVEN'T FINISHED FUCKING TYPING IT YET HAVE I?! GIZ A FUCKING CHANCE!"
She calmly gesticulates at the screen.
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Apparently Rachel Riley has been publicly scolded by Jedward.
Just when you think 2020 can't possibly have anything else left to give.
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I just want to say a massive thank you to
@RMCH_Ward76
for looking after Reuben (and myself) so well on Wednesday and this morning. Special thanks to Jenny, who looked after us overnight and made Roo comfortable. This was our second stay on the ward and not the last ❤️
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The bravest, most patient, one year old I know.
Homeward bound. Until next time.
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Wore a slutty red lip for Grandma's funeral today, she always liked it on me.
Couldn't wait to get home and get my massive knickers and bra off though.
It's what she would've wanted and that.
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He'd be ace at the Pole Vault though.
Drag queens will write dissertations on this tuck technique...
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Sorry for the suspense, life has been a bit manic.
I was worried about how I'd divide my love for my Crotch Goblins. Turns out, there's no need to divide it, it just doubles.
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas, from The Clan Crayons and my Crotch Goblin(s) ❤️
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He's under. They had to put him to sleep with the mask. I had to hold him as he sobbed his little heart out. I'm now sat, puffy eyed, holding his bunbun for the next two and a half hours.
Thank you for putting up with me xx
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As if the UK hasn't got enough on its fucking plate at the moment?
Lighthouse Family plot chart-topping comeback with songs of hope
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Thank Christ the last seven years have been kind to him.
Happy Birthday to the OG, Crotch Goblin 1.0 🎈
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Even the glorious
@GillianA
is powerless against the middle of Lidl. Only popped in for some corn, came away with a handbag and two sheepskin rugs.
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I saw an episode of this as a kid where she and Pippin successfully spotted one of Pippin's turds at a huge fuck off sewage works.
They'd have no bother finding
#jayslater
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What (and I can't stress this enough) the shitting fuck?
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...at that moment in time, my thoughts as I was shuffling out of the hospital looking like a recently exhumed cadaver were not of "Fuck, he looks so fit and capable in dad mode, I must capture this on video for the socials 🥵", no.
Instead, my thoughts were more...
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Something just doesn't sit right with me about all of this. I get the feeling this lady is enjoying the media circus she created.
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Ohh fuck offfff.
The woman greeting her husband at the door every evening after work...
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"stick with me brother, I'll soon have you twatting blocks about the place"
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Slow Horses on Apple TV. Worth a watch?
I adore Gary Oldman, he's in my top five on 'The List' - but going off his aesthetic in the show, I'm worried it'll make me not fancy him anymore.
That said, I still managed to get it up for Tim Roth in 'Rillington Place' so?? 🤷🏼♀️
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No bed photo this time. Just the chair.
He's in theatre now.
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Somebody notify the authorities, WE'VE GONE BACK IN TIME
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He's on his way home! Everything looks stable!!!
The specialists in Manc will next see him in January!
Contact is being made between Newcastle and Manchester next week to discuss transferal of care.
Provided all remains stable, Manc will only want to see him every 6 months! 🥹
Crotch Goblin 2.0 is on his way to hopefully his last Manchester hospital appointment.
I am not as I'm poorly bad 😟
Wish him luck please 🤞🏼
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See those tiny white dots around his pupil? Those are his micro stitches.
The NHS is amazing.
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Too fucking rights
@KathyBurke
People still arguing in my notifications about face masks. Just wear one, you pricks! It’s not a fucking hardship!
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Just sent this to my dad by accident.
Questions are being asked.
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Loaded with Turkey Twizzlers, you fat tongued shit flute.
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So far...so good!
Surgeon consultant is really happy with the transplant, no signs of rejection or infection..."perfect" was the word he used.
HOMEWARD BOUND! Until next Wednesday of course 🤷🏼♀️
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Still the sleepiest little lamb. Refuses to be put down, refuses to wake up.
Naturally, we're staying on the noisiest ward known to mankind, one baby, two toddlers and a five year old. My head hurts so much with the noise and sleep deprivation, I did a cry on the toilet earlier.
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Despite my Uncle Fester eye shadows, we slept incredibly well last night. AND I've showered today. AND I've made a huge vat of chilli.
Of course I'm absolutely fucked now 🙌🏻
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She's as deluded as she is insufferable. Self absorbed clown.
Why is she talking as if she did this and she’s thanking the little people for doing their bit. She is magnificent.
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Midwife appointment next week. Can't wait to be told I'm obese by a stranger 🙌🏻
"I know, Sandra. But it didn't put him off, did it?"
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Crotch Goblin's first snow. A tawdry amount but bless his heart, he's brimming with unbridled joy.
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The evolution of Crotch Goblin 2.0's bedtime exhaustion. When the dummy falls out, you know that's him clocked out for the day.
Manchester tomorrow for the first/second post-op/post transplant/post stitch removal check up. Keep it all crossed, troops 🤞🏻
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Surgery happened around 14:00 yesterday. Its oot. It was a big lad, filled to the brim with a rockery Alan Titchmarsh himself would be envious of.
Still in considerable pain because of the Pancreatitis, but I have the 'The Button of Sweet Release' which takes the edge off.
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There's this app thing where parents have to upload videos and pics of their spawn doing activities from their nursery work pack during isolation. I only got the app last night. Didn't realise you could lock it with a PIN.
He's sent his nursery teacher an on the shitter selfie.
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Tis Manchester Eve, again.
Crotch Goblin 2.0 will be seeing his consultant surgeon tomorrow for his 4th post-op check-up.
Please send pozzy vibez for -
- healthy transplant progress
- no tyre blowouts
- no nappy blowouts
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Crotch Goblin 2.0 has footwear I myself can only dream of.
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My heart hurts. And we've got to go through this at least another three times.
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I'm tired, so in a nutshell, all went well, both transplants are still looking healthy and his vision is continuing to improve. He's been pencilled in for his FIFTH (😭) general anesthetic/operation at the end of the month.
Most importantly though, he learned a new trick today.
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Just had a telephone physio assessment for my lower back. A nice Scottish (💦💦💦) chap.
We went through a few general questions, then he asked "how's your undercarriage".
Twitter, it was a knee jerk reaction. I actually guffawed and coyly said "I've had no complaints".
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Its been A DAY.
Roo's pressure readings have climbed back up and its been decided that at least another two surgeries will be required, probably in the next three months once he's had adequate time to recover from the last one.
Head and heart both a bit done in.
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How can he look so chunky and be piling on the pounds, yet still be wearing up to 1 month clothes?
Also, he is on the cusp of giggling. He keeps giving me little "heh" sounds with his big, gummy smiles. I thought this shit would be less exciting second time round - I was wrong.
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It's Manchester Eve, troops. Operation number 5 for my littlest bean in the morning.
I know he's in safe hands, but 5 operations in 7 months all at one year old is shit.
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They're as wild as those crackpots with their wacky ideas of how to find that missing lad in Tenerife.
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Three minutes later the pre-meds kicked in and he almost rolled off the bed while laughing his nuts off.
I don't care what society says, drunk babies ARE funny.
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I'm not remotely arsed about the proposed banning of smoking outside pubs etc.
I think banning it outside hospitals however should take precedence.
The sight of people, some of them actual patients with a fucking oxygen tank strapped to their wheelchair puffing away...
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Shat up his back with the force of a thousand suns, so we cracked open his Scottish wardrobe in honour of The Big Yin (and his Scottish family too, I s'pose)
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We're home. Back to Manchester next Friday to see how things are healing. For now though, we're staying in our pyjamas and playing on our rocky donkey.
Or rather, Crotch Goblin 2.0 is. I'm deciphering the new, insane regime for his meds and developing a nervous tic.
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Today has been a "I will only nap while being held by you, giver of life. I assure you that the moment you attempt to lay me down anywhere that is not on your person, I will lose my tiny mind and burn this place down to the ground" kind of days.
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He's been the happiest of the happys this day, despite it being his second Lockdown Birthday, he's absolutely smashed it. Thank you all for the best wishes. My little corner of Twitter really is the greatest.
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Oh Jesus, MY DOG OVARIES 😍😍😍
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We're home. He's bounced back remarkably well as he always does. Thank God he doesn't really understand why all of this keeps happening to him.
I'm utterly drained at the thought of more surgery and the related time off work and insane expense that go hand in hand with it...
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