Heybridge Gardens FC
@HeybridgeFC
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Official Twitter Account for Heybridge Gardens Football Club.
Heybridge
Joined March 2016
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Pinned Tweet
U18s need a keeper for 45 min on Saturday. The boundary restriction on Scott's electronic bracelet only covers him for one half of the pitch
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Parents of U10s please refrain from foul language during the game. Referee Mr Benn is doing his best. I highly doubt he is a 'massive nonce'
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Heybridge FC fully accept that today's encroachment onto the field of play by coach Jon Dixon and his subsequent slide tackle to prevent an opposition counter attack has no place in today's game. It was illegal, unsporting and we apologise for ever having described it as heroic.
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Unlucky loss for 1sts, always hard with 10-men. Rash, decision from Jono to go and get a baseball bat from his car. Heat of the moment.
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Following Luton Town’s footsteps we are urging our supporters to please stop the singing of the following popular politically-charged songs at games.
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Never nice seeing an ambulance.
Opposition player hurt after a 4 footed tackle from Paul and Barry. In their defence he did have a top-knot
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Early yellow card for Heybridge Captain Jono after trying to steal the referees quid during the coin toss.
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I can never fault Jono's passion or desire. That being said it probably was their throw-in so putting their linesman in the 'Walls of Jericho' was out of order in a way.
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£200m for Neymar, and we're sat here trying to raise funds by pawning off the dodgy defibrillator the FA gave us. What is even the point.
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Latest fines have come in from the FA. Really feels like we are unfairly punished for everything we do. Always trying to keep a good club down.
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Players today wearing black armbands in memory of gunned down local drug dealer Gareth Bunt who many of the lads were close to.
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Sad to say we haven't been in Russia long and already we've witnessed a sickening amount of racism and homophobia. But when our lads can get hold of vodka this cheaply it's to be expected really....
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Our Turkish winger Arif only joined us in Feb. He just told the ref to "suck my salty dong you whistle-nonce" remarkable how he's settled in
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Tony's been bossing midfield. Tackling everybody! Even our own team! Dunno what kind of prematch ritual a 'bump' is, but it's worked wonders
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Football is tough, and it can ask of you a lot of difficult questions. Questions like: How much do you want to win? Are you brave enough? Are you prepared to put your body on the line? And, why when we're 2-0 up did you decide to punch the ref?
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No word of a lie, I've just seen Maradona do a line through a vuvuzela
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Kev returns today after that ketamine spiking incident. Says he's sorry, but let's not bench him alone with the water bottles again anyway
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When we go 4-0 down I expect my players to work twice as hard to get back in the game. Chris Skidmore has taken his top off and started sunbathing. Get up! Get up you fat fuck!
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Not havin a go but why does Neil start every week? He's a top lad but his cerebral palsy does prevent him being an effective winger at times
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A gentle reminder to players and coaching staff that they are ambassadors to the club at all times and as such should not wear Heybridge branded clothing to any political events, or disreputable public gatherings. (Although the club has no 'official' policy on dogging).
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Today we have a community visit from Heybridge Feminist Book Club. We therefore ask the supporters not to use the following popular chants:
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Really not believing Wayne's excuses anymore. I swear that's the third time his Nan has died.
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We absolutely deny any allegations our groundsmen are involved in watering opposition pitches during the night to force game abandonment. The fact Andy was caught with a full watering-can at Stonefield FC last night just confirms this is made up nonsense since their pitch is 4G
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Good number of Heybridge players 'taking a knee' before tonight's game. Not for any political reason, just the warm up involved a short jog.
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Lads, we cannot have you hotboxing the changing room before games. I know the smokey pitch walk-out looks cool but that's beside the point
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Player of the Season award goes to Smithy. Dreadful player but the lads really appreciate not being charged for fuel at the Esso garage.
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Players today wearing our new strip. Thanks to sponsors
@Tampax
for helping us through this bad period we're having
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Apologies for the state of our pitch today. Groundsman Andy is refusing to work until the lads who harassed him at work by following him around humming the Groundforce theme apologise to him in person.
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Very pleased to announce the signing of midfielder Dane Jones following his release from HMP Belmarsh.
#welcomedane
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You really do have to admire Heybridge keeper Whigs. Not had much to do all game, but he's rolling a cigarette with gloves still on. Talent.
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You boys have some issues. A poor lad gets knocked unconscious after a clash of heads, and your first reaction is to try and teabag him?
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I'm shocked and appalled to learn about the cannibis farm in the clubhouse roof. I really had no idea. I've been buying my bongo from Jono.
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Always one that comes off worse in a 50/50 challenge. Just a shame it was the young lad with his career ahead of him and not our 250lb Westy
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The club would like to reverse its recommendation to join Heybridge Pedophile Hunters Club. Though their operatives are well-intentioned posing as 13yo girls online, last night's illegitimate park beatdown was one too many. We wish Jake well & good luck on his upcoming 11+ exams
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Clearly Jono mistook the bald head of the man on the floor for the ball and was well within his rights to lunge in. He's not a dirty player.
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I mean I love Tony our goalkeeper I really do and you can really tell he's trying his best out there but he's so fucking shit sometimes!!!
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Finally back from our tour of North Korea, put together a little video of our time there, lovely place.
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Good news: Jono's been released on bail after his arrest during yesterday's game. Bad news is the police have confiscated his harpoon gun.
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Not defending Frosty, he shouldn't have thrown half a brick. End of. What I will say is those kids at training shouldn't have shouted fatty
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Our top goal scorer award this year is a tie! Between our very own 'Goal Machine' Pete Green (1) and Corby FC defender Harvey Rice (og)
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Anyone know how long the match ban is for spearing the ref with the corner flag? Trying to work out if Clarkey will miss rest of the season
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Crazy that Uber decision isn't it? Just yesterday I was watching a documentary about the hidden charges and exploitation seen in Black Cabs
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Club voted to go with the all black training top and bottoms this season. Ability to wear them to work/funerals a key factor in the decision
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The Dads v Lads charity game this afternoon has ended abruptly, Dads with four red cards. All from authoritative tackles on their own sons.
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Training yesterday. Got a bit excited when Kyle said his mate who had trials at Villa was turning up. Shouldn't have
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Unfortunately today's game against Alerton has now been cancelled. No-one's prepared to deal with the used condom hanging from the crossbar.
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Thoughts and prayers are with Paulo. No one could have known the ref he was abusing was a cage fighter. Will be on solid food soon hopefully
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When we need an ambulance we expect more fans to volunteer their phone. Doesn't matter if you might need to cash out your accumulator or not
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An update on the unexploded WW2 bomb found on our ground: As it's behind the goal we're attacking the police say the game's safe to carry on
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4ft8, wears glasses, & terrified of the ball. Why's Joe starting? Cos the manager's shagging his mum when his dad's at work. There I said it
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We've had to suspend Ste from the club. He skipped training to see Beauty and the Beast and he won't stop humming all the songs, it's not on
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Our thoughts are with Donna after today's Chip pan fire. Doctors say she's scarred for life. The good news is she's 82, so, every cloud...
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Just done a pitch inspection and we've got a bit of a problem, some gypsies have set up camp in one of the goalmouths
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Don't know where Carl is right now. Said he was going to play roulette with some Russians last night but he hasn't shown up today.
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Have been ordered to improve our wheelchair access by the Council. Our sleeping bag on a rope method of getting folk upstairs is "degrading"
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Bad news. Robbos drink driving sentence still stands. The judge didn't believe he had 6 pints after crashing his car to 'settle his nerves'.
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Can't believe the police think one of our noble fans threw a brick at the opposition. How do they know it wasn't Storm Doris? Biased police.
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Cup game. The referee leads the teams out together from the changing rooms, lifting the match ball off the top of a wheelie bin as they pass
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The boys have all started getting those Fitbit smartwatch things
To track their fitness?
No.
To track each other's wanking top speed 🙄
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Some cretin has again poured Greek yoghurt on the refs windshield and put a Cornish pasty up the exhaust. This trend really has to stop ASAP
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Lost 3-1. But Kim Jong-un was so impressed by our aggressive play he's letting us fire a rocket over South Korea! He really is a top bloke.
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To all those who put Joe's inhaler down their pants, he's refusing to use it now. He's been coughing for two hours. He's really struggling..
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Thanks to everyone who has been using the Heybridge Gardens FC official Snapchat filter. Keep those pictures coming in!
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The boys still refusing to pass to Kyle. He really pissed them off not getting his round in last night. Some things are bigger than winning
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The English chanting has taken a dark turn now as they respond to the Germans with ’Dresden’s on fire, your Messerschmitt’s are terrified..’
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Congrats to cleverclogs Pete Dodd on his A Level IT result (E). At 37, showing age is just a number. All the hard work & practice paying off
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Distressing scene here after Westy ploughs into a kid who'd wandered onto the pitch. Apparently he was playing some sort of new Pokemon game
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This Saturday Night is Ladies Night! Bring your wives, girlfriends, sisters. Not yours Smithy, can't have half the club with the clap again!
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£50 fine from the FA for deliberate falsification of results sheet. Fair cop, let's hope they don't hear about the others, we'd be relegated
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May have misled the North Koreans into thinking we're a premier league team.. Kim Jong Un is here 😳. They won't know
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I thought I knew what pure evil was. Until I saw Michael Owen boastfully posing with a poor weasel he bored to death
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Over60s team could use another player this afternoon. Henry Jacobs not here. Wife says he was up all night playing World of Tanks on Xbox
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Arrived in North Korea, turns out it's a brutalist regime! Looks like we made the wrong 'Korea choice' hahaha 😂 these people are starving...
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The Santa's v Elves fancy-dress charity match has ended in disarray. Keith violently refusing to play dressed as an elf despite being 5ft 3
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Our lad Mozzy could probably play for Eygpt someday. Though the other day he said he had a peshwari nan so I dunno where he's from actually
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Gutted for Andy. Went on ITV's Dinner Date but was dropped when the camera caught him slipping something into his dates wine. He denies it
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Happy to report the Heybridge firm was victorious against Mansfield firm. 12 wounded to their 19. Crazy Col's sword was a real game changer!
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EMERGENCY meet 6pm tomorrow to discuss how to remove the gypsies. Highly unlikely towing them in the middle of the night will work again
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Our Syrian lad Raf asks if anyone is travelling through Calais could you please pick up his family, he'll cover the petrol to Heybridge
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HT 1-0 up & Kim JongUn has ordered us to lose the game to save Korean pride. Execution if we don't comply. Jono says fuck that, wants to win
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This months fines from the league bureaucrats are unfairly harsh again, always trying to keep a good team down
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Being sued again. Bit of litter yes, but rolling around on the floor after a tackle is just askin for trouble anyway
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A lot of Twitter noise saying we should re-sign Cameron Knight, until he returns the charity quiz money he's not welcome
#resigncameron
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Bit of a dull game this one. The spectators seem more concerned with trying to get the two hedgehogs they've just found to fight each other
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Good luck to the lads jetting out on preseason tour. Like many teams we're heading to Asia to expand our global fanbase. North Korea awaits!
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Burberry Town pull out of signing Heybridge defender Dan Smith. He's lost his bus pass and they can't afford to get him another
#DeadlineDay
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Hedge behind the goal Groundsman Andy put in has been confiscated by the police, saying it's Marijuana. You may wanna lay low for a bit mate
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Speaking from experience, I don't think it's wise to take young lads like Rashford on tour. They'll just be up all night playing Pokemon
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It's decided then. We've agreed with Gypsy Dave.
One game of football.
Winner keeps the pitch, as is the gypsy tradition.
#LetsDoThis
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Amazing news! Just heard Zack's wife has given birth to a baby boy! Zack Cassius Leicester Cena Riyad Mullin Jr and mother both doing well
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7! That's the 7th sprained ankle the shed-end pothole has claimed this season. Opposition needs to be more careful 😂
#fortressHeybridge
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Unbelievable, someone's done a poo in the men's shower and tried to toe the turd down the plug hole, is this what Heybridge FC has come to!?
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Welcome back Finchy to the team today. 6 weeks since he was pepper sprayed by that woman he was flirting with. Only just got his vision back
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Feels amazing to have our beautiful pitch back again!
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Can we remind parents that the club and local police suggest a four-can maximum for spectators watching their children this weekend.
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Korean guide asked if Rondon was any good? I said, ''he's too slow". He said, "no, the prace, shitty of Rondon". I said, "haha yeah exactly"
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Ice cream van turf war still ongoing in Heybridge (Italians v Turkish). Few knife incidents, smidge of arson. Take care when you hear chimes
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Jono's gone over with his bat to have a word. Tense standoff now between him and a gypsy with a shovel. Save it for Friday 7pm Jono
#HEYvGYP
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