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@HertsSid
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My brother and I are going shopping for the woman across the street who's been salty with us since June 1996 when she confiscated our tennis ball cos it bounced off the wing mirror of her car but we've decided to call a truce
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So ITV's cancelled Alastair Stewart for using social media inappropriately but that giant sack of shit Piers Morgan who hounds Greta and stalked Meghan like a rejected schoolboy is the first thing they want everyone to see in the morning?
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Eamonn Holmes:
"I've never met Meghan but I look at her and think 'I don't think I'd like you in real life.'"
Me:
"I've never met Eamonn Holmes but I look at him and think 'my god you're an almighty cunt.'"
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Really don't want to hear from folk cocnerned about the appropriateness of putting Joe Lycett on a political panel show given none of them batted an eyelid when Boris Johnson's entire family were given television slots and radio shows to present.
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Theresa May: "The UK's never felt totally at home in the EU"
Me: "I've never felt less at home in the UK since the referendum"
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If you're after a gay icon dragging the Tories look no further than Stephanie Beacham
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The only time I felt sorry for a departing PM was when this happened and I full on sobbed my heart out
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Everyone: "We need to go on logic and evidence"
Jaz: offers logic and evidence
Everyone: "Don't be silly we're going on vibes"
#TheTraitors
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Well if this doesn't resolve the family feud I don't know what will
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Some sad news guys: Corona took my uncle last night. It’s especially devastating as we saw him as the Uncle Buck of the family - a true gent with a heart of gold and someone you could totally be yourself around because he was cool as shit. It all suddenly feels very real now.
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Mum had been on the phone to her doctor for a long time so I went downstairs to check everything was ok and she was explaining step by step how she makes the marinade for her grilled chops
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Bit rich of Martina to get all outraged about what David Tennant said when she once tweeted this
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Literally every south asian kid got called a “p*ki” in the playground, difference is Priti Patel tries to gain acceptance by becoming like those people whereas the rest of us don’t.
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A drama about drug dealers, serial killers and money laundering but somehow this ends up being the absolute highlight of the episode
#HappyValley
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It's been a while since I was shocked by anything in the paper as we're so desensitized to it all but that paragraph Jeremy Clarkson wrote in The Sun about wanting to chuck lumps of shit at Meghan as she's paraded down the street naked is seriously fucked up.
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Any time someone goes "yeah but Ann Widdecombe's from a different generation" to excuse her views I think of Miriam Margolyes who's 7 years older and cool AF.
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Nigella making chicken biryani with her curlers in we've reached peak levels of camp
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Lynn Faulds Wood on turning down an MBE: "I would love to have an honour if it didn't have the word 'empire' on the end of it."
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I tell you what Jonathan Gullis better not quit. Give us SOMETHING.
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Saluting Annabel Giles for that time she told Julia Hartley-Brewer to eff off
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I didn’t even know who she was til a few days ago but reading about Rachael Bland wrapping presents for her 2-year-old son all the way to his 21st birthday has absolutely destroyed me.
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'Cos faces like this have "here to steal your jobs + benefits" written all over them don't they?
#refugeeswelcome
http://t.co/kqFCLwDp8S
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Got through two decades without seeing a single episode of this and feel like I've missed out on absolutely nothing
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Cannot believe we lost these 3 and are left with those 3 interchangeable blondes
#TheTraitors
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Any fake news about Tom Cruise being struck down by the corona virus can be traced back to my mum who has got him and Tom Hanks confused on multiple WhatsApp groups and international phone conversations.
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Dropped off some food for my aunt whose husband passed away from corona and her forlorn figure as she picked up the box and waved absently to us from her doorstep is going to haunt me for some time
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The way the group erased Jaz's efforts tho when he campaigned against Paul from the start
#TheTraitors
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Remember Tommy Robinson charging angrily around Westminster after Jo Cox's murder, telling journos enough is enough? Nah me neither.
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Big fan of all the parents on this show doggedly correcting their kids grammar amid all the violent crime around them
#HappyValley
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Rowan Atkinson claiming cancel culture’s out of control so why the fuck are these cunts on literally every paper, radio station and tv channel going
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Lizzie being responsible for bringing down Holly and Phil has turned me into a fanatical royalist.
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Carol McGiffin calling Loose Women woke for having an all-black panel when the show was literally four white women, five days a week, for years and years.
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Next week: clapping specifically for nhs workers that had to mend Brian May's arse
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I need Ash to survive for the sheer awkwardness when the Traitors reconvene but mostly so she can spread Paul's name around like wildfire the next day out of spite
#TheTraitors
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@jk_rowling
You were amplifying far-right sympathiser Darren Grimes the other week so maybe reflect on the part you yourself played in emboldening this part of society
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Vito meeting Fleur East's new baby for the time is the purest thing you'll ever see
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Dan Wootton getting to ask a question when he's literally the one thing we all want to avoid and eradicate more than the actual virus
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I see everbody's being completely reasonable and understanding about Emma Raducanu pulling out of the mixed doubles and not using it as an excuse to get on her case again when Andy would have done exactly the same thing.
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Yeah they can quit introducing
#CallTheMidwife
as “gentle Sunday night drama” when it utterly destroys me every week.
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Peak Pride Month is watching Pet Shop Boys bossing it at Glastonbury and reporting Laurence Fox's queerphobia at the same time.
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Mrs Brown’s Boys dodging tax still only the second worst thing about Mrs Brown’s Boys.
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Mum retired today from a school she'd worked at for 28 years and the guy replacing her's someone she taught in reception how cool is that!
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People who gave zero fucks about Muslims til there was a chance to call out Diane Abbott 🚮
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No I wouldn't like to go on a long walk to 'blow away the cobwebs' thank you, I'm quite happy sprawled on the sofa with a tube of pringles
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Mum's hospital letter asked her to dress appropriately for a fitness test on a treadmill and she's put on bejeweled sandals
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I mean I totally get the Chief Rabbi being unable to support Jeremy Corbyn but he congratulated Boris Johnson when he became PM which feels like he's happy to throw other minority groups under the bus and I'm not down with that.
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@jonathanizard
tbf the nobody left alive bit might happen sooner than we thought so we brought the truce forward a couple of hundred years
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I think Nadine Dorries is underestimating how many Tories watch Strictly.
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@GaryLineker
yeah cause protesting for racial equality and getting a suntan on the beach are totally comparable - it's not tribalism that's the main problem, it's false equivalences and deliberately ignoring nuance.
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I literally can't stand kids but I'm over the moon for Meghan and Harry.
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My mum thought she was wild about the monarchy. Turns out it was Lizzie's demeanour, bright outfits and cute hats. She does not give two shits about Charles and the upcoming coronation.
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Me: “Johannes will never outdo last year’s red carpet number”
Johannes:
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Andrew Neil being all "Meghan and Harry don't live in the Commonwealth so they aren't allowed an opinion on it" so I look forward to him never having a take on anything outside the UK ever again.
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Tis amazing how quickly so many “gay defenders” turn into homophobe-defenders when you take Islam out the equation
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Seriously fuck off Piers Morgan and Julia H-B being all shocked and horrified like where did you think cheering on Muslim-baiting shits like Farage and Trump would eventually lead?
#Christchurch
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Instead of arguing about who should replace Phillip Schofield on Dancing On Ice just replace Dancing On Ice.
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Prue Leith cancelling her Tory Party membership over food standards just draws attention to how she was happy to let all the other shit slide.
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The gardener just shouted to the woman across the street “Leave your back gate open and I’ll do you next”
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