cass city
@HeavenlyGrandpa
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my dad is very proud of me!
Chicago
Joined August 2010
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NEW TO SHOP! “A Compendium of Southern Signage” is a 5-layer screen print about loving the South. Edition of 15 signed on the back.
Full size print is 18” x 24”, also looks great trimmed down to 16” x 20”! I’m happy to trim it for you, just select the size you want at purchase!
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i cannot do a “pre pandemic vs post pandemic” tweet because, unlike the rest of you, i have used this time to become worse in every imaginable way
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every part of a vagina sounds like it was named by wizards
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after getting rejected from now over 200 jobs I applied to I can confidently say that getting a masters was the biggest mistake i have ever made
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me, age 8: huh, the continents look like they’d fit together like a puzzle
me (learning about Pangea): holy fucking shit
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achilles would have gotten his shit absolutely rocked by a razor scooter
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i am a renaissance woman (nude, laying down, chubby little tummy)
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obsessed with these mommy and me lighters i got for me and my 3 year old 💕
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just got destroyed by an 8 year old in monopoly who, at the end, said to me “everything you worked so hard for, i took away, and it made me feel good”
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“why don’t people trust scientists and follow the rules?” i say as i shove a q-tip 2 inches into my ear canal
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the rewards of the mortifying ordeal
being loved of being known
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a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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reject modernity (two-factor authentication), embrace tradition (answering my riddles three)
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me, not believing my eyes as 10 million fireflies light up the world as i fall asleep
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i’m gonna be unstoppable once i figure out what my whole deal is
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tbh i’d rather receive a dick pic any day than the unhinged shit men actually send me
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when the beatles said “he got feet down below his knees” i thought, fuck yes. i have feet down there too
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nobody is working harder than these two to save america
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a sex toy but it strokes my hair and says it is proud of me
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i just know owning this duck lamp would cure my depression
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love the post-party ritual of wondering how many people hate me
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sometimes a girl has to stay up late and be insane on the internet
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if i was NPR’s competitor i would put on a concert with the biggest fucking desk you’ve ever seen
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men hate when i make sexual jokes. i hated when men started sexualizing me when i was 12
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sometimes i like to remember that vincent van gogh only sold one painting in his lifetime. which means that I, a person who has sold two paintings in my lifetime, am twice as successful as that giant loser
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my dream is to have a job where i can go to work and do my job and get paid and nobody is mean to me and then i go home and never have to think about it
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you’re in his dms, i’m in your head, in your head, zombie
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finally ready to admit that i ghosted a man because he told me it was a no bones day
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a relationship is all about sending each other instagram posts of local bars and restaurants and saying “let’s go here!” and never going there
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COURTESY WARNING: we are ~8 weeks away from Spotify Wrapped so this is your last chance to binge listen to trendy things that won’t embarrass you
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i need them to remake the parent trap in lindsay lohan’s role
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the fast car tracey chapman was talking about is lightning mcqueen
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i would like to thank everyone in the replies who is treating this tweet like COVID never happened. sorry i did not have the foresight to know that my field (museums + galleries) would get basically eliminated by a global pandemic!!
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this was sarcasm, please don’t message anyone like this, it did not actually work
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it’s gonna be a tony soprano summer (eating italian food and having panic attacks)
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she has no idea that the tall man who was just petting her was john mulaney
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please stop replying to this asking if I sent him ass pics after I got this. obviously I sent the ass pics.
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hey
@ottawacity
it sure seems like councilman
@RickChiarelli
is trying to take me on a vaguely sexual trip to Europe using state funds ???
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straight women who get turned on when they look in the mirror are getting bi on their own supply
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dune’s mom is never going to get a job looking like this :/
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the body positivity movement started with her pot bellies monologue
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just saw Oppenheimer, an incredibly striking film about how i want cillian murphy to plow my ass like a summer field
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i don’t care what they say. i’m still calling this movie twitter
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“yes chef” got so popular because it finally gave us a gender neutral alternative to “yas queen”
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i am muting this. everyone who was nice to me, i love u and i hope you and your bloodline prosper. everyone who was mean to me? i’m embarrassed for u
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this was a child i babysit occasionally. yes his family is wealthy. yes he always stomps my absolute ass at monopoly. yes it makes me irrationally angry and i yell in my car over it on the way home.
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also i am so happy for you if you like your masters and got a good job ♥️ now u can be free to stop making my experience abt you
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if jesus didn’t want me to have an IUD then he wouldn’t have died posing like one
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my boyfriend bought me (real! functional!) watercolor paint palette earrings and i’m over the moon 🥹🩷🎨
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people who hate horror films but love true crime are the most chaotic people on earth
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i am your dream girl, but it’s the dream where all your teeth fall out
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i love therapy because it reveals who the true villain of my life is: me
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my dad just saw on the news that france is deploying 90,000 police officers in response to a terror threat and said “90,000 police officers IS a terror threat” and I’ve never been prouder
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i guarantee you elon only knows what “vox populi” means because he played bioshock infinite
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happy bi awareness! when I came out as bisexual at age 13 my dad told me that he also liked boys and girls and that he loved me regardless of who I liked. And when I asked him later if he was actually bisexual he said “no, I just didn’t want you to feel alone” 🥺💕
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“why are you losing to an 8 year old in monopoly?” uh because I’m a fucking idiot??? think before you talk
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some people are telling me not to do this. i cannot hear them as i have a q tip lodged in my skull
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honestly it feels like my head is getting fingered when i do this
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where’s waldo conditioned us to chase after mediocre white men
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Georgia O’Keeffe really went to the grave saying she never painted a vagina, girl just admit you’re bi and be done with it
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bugs bunny: hey man, this new persona of yours seems problematic
cholo foghorn leghorn: ese ese ese
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the only ethical consumption under capitalism is eating pussy
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the funniest thing about this bit is dave admitting that he was able and willing to set aside his discomfort and refer to someone by their chosen identity when it was a white man he already knew and respected
Dave Chappelle’s new Netflix special is out, and he’s telling the truth about trans.
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taking online autism assessment tests all by yourself, handsome?
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watching a lot of bisexuals on here saying “we do NOT want to join your threesome” and let me just say — don’t listen to them, bisexuals are not a monolith, you know where to find me, etc
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chicago getting toxic air from canadian wildfires weeks after new york does it… we really are the second city
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I wish it was 1821 so I could go to the doctor to get jerked off and prescribed cocaine
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update: gonna have to upgrade my baby to a mini blowtorch soon! she just ripped her first fat dab 🥹
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have you ever walked into a guy’s apartment and just from the look of it you know you’re leaving with a UTI
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