Tom Whyman
@HealthUntoDeath
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Philosopher. Email: tomwhyman @googlemail .com
Gateshead, Northumbria
Joined December 2010
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On Simpsons as language and ritual. Also the time Chris Bryant thought Tom Usher was threatening to have him beaten to death with hammers because he'd failed to understand a Sideshow Bob meme
‘The Simpsons is not just a TV show. The Simpsons is a language.’
@HealthUntoDeath
’s essay, out today
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GUY DESIGNING A UNIVERSITY WEBSITE: ok so obviously it should be as hard as possible to find out any information about the staff
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Apparently Studio Ghibli developed My Neighbour Totoro in parallel with Grave of the Fireflies. Imagine being on the Fireflies team and having to spend every work day staring directly into hell while your colleagues got to animate a cat bus.
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Executive jobs are so funny it's like their whole job is just to talk to other people about work some third person is maybe doing.
I'm 30 years old.
And I run a $200M portfolio of businesses.
This is my daily routine:
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Might stop saying 'the west' and start saying 'golf playing nations'
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Can this country PLEASE stop trying to 'save money' by stopping its infrastructure from functioning
Royal Mail could save £650m by switching to three-day-a week service, says Ofcom
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Fucking hell, Doom was killed by *NHS mismanagement*
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Just realised that Sunday will be the *second* time in his (4 year-old) life my son has watched the England football team compete in a major final. This is going to distort an entire generation's psychology.
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Funniest possible Euros outcome is we keep playing like this, keep winning every match on penalties, bring the trophy home, everyone feels terrible forever.
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Looks like he's being announced as the Tory candidate for Chilwell & Elmswich.
Just announced: Matthew Broderick will throw out the first pitch at the
#LondonSeries
! 🇬🇧
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I've been thinking about the Totoro/Grave of the Fireflies double bill some more and actually I think it really helps explain a lot of the magic of Totoro. Totoro has very odd pacing for a kid's film, it starts off so slow. Just as you'd like it if you'd been devastated by GOTF.
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Imagining a guy who looks at a university's website and is stunned to learn that they are devoted to the student experience and offer world-leading teaching and research.
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GUY DESIGNING THE JOBS APPLICATION PORTAL FOR A UNIVERSITY: ok so what we really absolutely need to know is the postal addresses for all the previous universities all the applicants have been associated with.
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High time for everyone who supported Jeremy Corbyn to come out and say it loud and clear: we were right about everything.
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It's also set in the 50s, so the post-war period, which takes on added significance when you consider it being screen after GOTF.
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The role of the press in a free country is to hold exactly two people to account: Jeremy Corbyn, and Owen Jones.
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Then there is, e.g. the rather odd character of Kanta, a sort of rural ghost boy who always wears what looks like a military hat, a sort of leftover boy soldier.
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It is sort of weird to be a millennial and so to be approaching middle age in a world increasingly manipulated to look like how our parents remember their childhoods. Going to guess we are the first generation this has happened for.
Boris Johnson is to announce the return of imperial weights and measures, making it legal for market stalls, shops and supermarkets to sell their goods using only Britain’s traditional weighing system post-Brexit
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Quitting my job to become a full time 'guy who is trying to ring the GP for an appointment just after 8am'
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BROKE: It would be funny if Rishi Sunak lost his seat.
WOKE: It would be funny if Rishi Sunak was the Conservative's sole remaining MP.
🚨 NEW: There are "strong" rumours tonight that CCHQ will tell some candidates tomorrow that their seats are no longer "winnable" and that party resources will be moved to a smaller base of "winnable seats"
[
@tomorrowsmps
]
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Deadly centipede king who rules over poison hellscape cave - 40% (+2)
Labour - 37% (-1)
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Reminder that this is the greatest social media post of all time.
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Lol at Ghislaine Maxwell receiving an infinitely more charitable treatment from the media than, say, Jeremy Corbyn.
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TORIES: too many children are going to university
LABOUR: too many children are eating food
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By the end of the day Dominic Cummings breaking lockdown to drive halfway across the country while sick with covid will have become entirely about Owen Jones. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.
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@davideastUK
"I didn't think people would mind," he was later quoted as saying. "I thought it would be funny."
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Liz Truss has some of the most profound 'Apprentice candidate who gets found out at the interview stage' energy I've ever seen in my life
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Aussie boomers are now trying to blame the fires on 'arsonist activists' apparently. Leeds hospital photo conspiracy all over again: every terrible thing that happens is really just a hoax devised by lefties to trick you into caring.
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@RoryMcDaid1
No it should obviously be Totoro first. If you watched Fireflies first you'd be like fuck. Is that rabbit thing or whatever it is going to kill those girls.
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@Caomhin1999
Oh yeah people hate when the information about modules is up-to-date. What I want is to know what the department was like in 2015.
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GETTING AN ACADEMIC JOB
1950s: "Yes, Gilbert Ryle here. Oh, you're opening a new philosophy dept? Allow me to recommend one of my first-year undergraduates. Don't know his name but he's got the right attitude."
2020s: Sorry you were only the second best candidate out of 1,023.
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Has Kwarteng basically managed to single-handedly trigger a global recession? World-historical 'it's my first day' energy.
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What a sad, pointless way for one of our greatest artists to die.
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Honestly what the fuck is this. David Amess was not murdered by someone posting online.
Guardian front page, Tuesday 19 October 2021: PM faces calls for ‘David’s law’ to halt online abuse
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At least if Corbyn had become PM, the military junta who'd overthrown him in March might have been vaguely competent.
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Jordan Peterson discovering bin lanes.
Just a random alley in Cambridge. It's such a remarkable town.
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The people of England are right to hate Gareth Southgate - he is teaching our children that good things might actually be possible. This flies in the face of English values.
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"This is the one thing we didn't want to happen."
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"Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition - but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren't coming?" - bronze age opinion columnist
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I have nothing but respect for this woman's decision to spend her life trolling an entire nation
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The best bit of this is that when she says she wants the old leader back the journalist immediately assumes she's talking about Neil Kinnock.
People in Bassetlaw react to Keir Starmer.
"Bring Jeremy back."
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"Hi, I'm Keir Starmer, I'm the leader of the Labour party."
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How come when the treasury approves a meal deal it's all 'Rishi's Sizzlers', 'This One's On Rishi' etc. But when the meal deal policy ends up causing the virus to mutate, it's never 'Rishi's Rona', 'Thanks For Killing Us Rishi', 'We're Inside Forever Now You Idiot Rich Fuck' &c
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@jason_manc
This is the most heinous thing. Rigid, poorly implemented rules turning the bureaucracy into a killing machine.
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I love that we just sort of don't really do democracy any more for wars. Also for big decisions about investment in vital infrastructure. Or for sweeping changes to the constitution. Or for who the leader of the country is. Er
BREAKING:
Rishi Sunak WILL NOT recall Parliament tomorrow to discuss the British military intervention against Houthi positions in Yemen, which is expected to take place tonight
It means that there will be no debate or discussion in Parliament until Monday
Picking up disquiet
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Something deeply weird about a man as rich as Richi Sunak having any sort of job whatsoever tbh. You're one of the few people alive today who actually gets to enjoy their existence pal. The fuck you doing running the treasury.
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@christapeterso
Feminism is when you make being a father to daughters literally impossible, both conventionally and possibly also legally.
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Honestly though how is the fact that Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe is still in prison not by itself enough to disqualify Boris Johnson from becoming Prime Minister?
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Trips to the big Tesco now remembered with the bittersweet hue of a character looking back on his old life as a bourgeois child in Weimar Berlin.
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If you go home with someone, and they have Catcher in the Rye on their bookshelf but not Bloodsummoner: Prince of Dragonsbane 2: The Cloudbirthing, don't fuck them.
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Starmer responding to a policeman being arrested for a woman's murder by calling for more police is the sort of thing that really should be remembered as a nadir.
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The UK truly is the world's pioneering case study in what would happen if you put a bunch of PR people in total control of the literal state.
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Literally the only analysis establishment journos are going to be able to offer over the next five years is "well, well, well. If it isn't the consequences of my own actions."
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If I know anything about AI, then 'Artificial intelligence in schools' will massively increase teachers' workloads by forcing them also to pretend the AI works while having to perform all its functions themselves.
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Congratulations to the Labour Party on finding a way to take the joy and hope inspired by Glasgow yesterday and turn it into Labour Party factional bullshit.
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We need a word for these hangover covid regulations from when we didn't precisely know how it transmitted whereby e.g. My son is not allowed to take a toy he is attached to into nursery in case another child touches it... in the enclosed space they play in together all day.
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From "why does Adrian Chiles have a column to spill his banalities in the Guardian" to "oh he's sleeping with the editor" to "Adrian Chiles - funny column!" to "Adrian Chiles is the greatest literary figure of his generation"
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"Still doing that lefty humanities degree are you? How are you ever going to get a job doing something like that? No I'm only winding you up. Say hi to your mum and dad."
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Genuinely impressed by how quickly Starmer has shifted my view on Labour from "OK well I won't campaign for them, but I'll probably still vote for them" to "I cannot in good conscience have anything to do with this shitshow."
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I know people go on about this a lot but I think what's so compelling about the Sunak height discourse is that in every photograph he looks like he's been photoshopped to look smaller. He's not just short, he's short in a way that's uncanny.
Very sober words - no celebratory family entry to Number 10, no whooping MPs or aides. Obviously sending a message of sobriety, and seriousness to deal with the “crisis” he now inherits
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In all seriousness I can't think of anything more intensely nightmarish than tending to my sick newborn in the hospital while simultaneously being doxxed by the political editor of the BBC.
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Someone mentioned in a focus group that they didn't like the sound of people driving cars loud round their neighbourhood and now its national Labour policy.
Oh my fucking god. He's fucked it. He's really fucking fucked it.
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Why, the general public.... they're not fit to be policed by the police!
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Thank god we have the BBC to hold the public to account
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Feel like there is actually a chance the £30 school meals starvation kit will genuinely cut through - while the Great British Public might not care that much about starving kids, they hate feeling like they're not getting value for money.
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If a pub has cheese and onion sandwiches that look like this on the counter then in my experience it will sell you a perfectly-kept pint of 3.9% cask ale from a local brewery you've never seen or heard of anywhere else for ~ £3
someone sent me this picture of cheese and onion sandwiches from their local pub
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Wrote about why the funniest days online are when someone becomes "the wife guy"
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I have decided what the British Last Dance equivalent should be and it is a documentary about Hypno-Disc failing to win Season 3 of Robot Wars.
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Fucking hate all this proof we were right about everything, arriving just after any of it could possibly count.
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"If a bully takes hold of someone's arm and keeps hitting them with it, while telling them to stop hitting themselves, is the person whose arm is being held responsible for being hit?"
OVER 65s: Yes 73% No 13% Don't know 14%
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This is like a special too-powerful take you only unlock on the commentariat video game if you find the secret exit to a level
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Joke's going to be on our kids when I'm in my 60s and prime minister aaron bastani makes it compulsory to watch the simpsons every Friday at 6pm. Better than a pension
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The problem with being a buy-to-let landlord is eventually you run out of other people's money.
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Probably a controversial view among parents but for me, the number one thing that would make parenting my children easier, is an immediate and total ban on all car use.
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The simple truth is that the police act knowing full well they will get away with it; that everyone who matters will conspire to justify this both institutionally and on the level of discourse. They're showing off their lack of accountability.
people shout peaceful protest and put their hands up whilst police use shields to batter protestors. it’s carnage.
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Might fuck around & launch a propaganda scheme encouraging people to embrace the drudgery of the fact that they will never have the life they once hoped for, on the same day I announce new lockdown restrictions costing thousands even the privilege of their current thankless toil.
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PORTILLO WAS JUST FILMING ON MY METRO CARRIAGE. BEING HECKLED FOR HIS CHOICE OF TROUSERS BY A GANG OF LOCAL TEENS.
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Jess Phillips may have quit the leadership race, but her ideas - from 'Jess Phillips', to 'Jess Phillips' - will live on.
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"And that's when William said, if I didn't pilot the Eva, Rei would have to do it again."
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Kpop stans vs. Centrist journos is the perfect social media fight bc the journalists have trained themselves to be thick as pigshit and the kpop stans are a dynamic self organising collective with the sort of intuitive intelligence one can only have if one has only known Online.
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The right really fucked themselves by opportunistically condemning this England team for taking the knee, and it's never going to be time to let them forget it.
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The one subculture I will never understand is "British guys who are really into American football."
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This is the explanation for basically all of British politics is what it is
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@mmegannnolan
My cleaner? None other than her majesty the Queen. Leave your stereotypes at the door.
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I know a lot of kids will be disappointed by their A Level results today, but just remember: the BBC are always looking for people your age to come on and say things that are extremely right-wing.
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Even by British standards our government's reaction to a policeman being arrested for a woman's murder has felt like living in a fucking haunted mirror or something.
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BROKE: Boris Johnson is like Winston Churchill because he is a posh eccentric steering his country from crisis to crisis with a distinctively British honesty and wit.
WOKE: Boris Johnson is like Winston Churchill because he would have done the Bengal Famine.
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LABOUR MPS BEING CONTACTED BY THE GAMBLING LOBBY: ah, hello, that's fantastic, I will. Thankyou.
LABOUR MPS BEING CONTACTED BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC: are you threatening to have me killed?
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Making a guy who is obviously suffering from dementia your leader is some absolutely top 'dying empire' shit. Like this is something a European monarchy would have done shortly before a 30-year war with the Two Sicilies over the succession.
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A few more points in the polls and the Tories are just going to have Corbyn straight up framed for murder.
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Turns out that Corbynism was just common sense in a disaster. The problem is that half the country didn't realise we were living through a disaster until now.
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Aside from how awful and shocking it is that this law is even being applied at all - get a load of the judge effectively telling the defendant that she is going to prison for receiving poor legal advice.
Woman is sentenced to 28 months in prison. Judge says sentence after trial would have been 3 years.
He says “one of the tragedies” of the case is she did not indicate her guilty plea at the earliest opportunity —sentence would have been eligible to be suspended with full credit
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