S🌟tella pastèque🍉
@Havish_AF
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Following
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I'm extremely funny, I just hide it well because I'm humble. Please only Dm if you wish to be blocked. I stand with 🍉. Free🍉
South-east.
Joined March 2018
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Pinned Tweet
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
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[Bath time]
-3years old: ( pointing at his balls) Mom, is this my brain?
-Me: Not yet, sweetheart, not yet.
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Welcome to your 40's. You genuinely think that ppl your age look older than you.
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Ppl who take naps are the real heroes. It takes courage to wake up twice in one day.
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Welcome to your 50's. You're now too old for young people and too young for old people.
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Maturity is when your brain screams "fuck you" and your fingers type "have a great day".
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but MEN DON'T UNDERSTAND SUBTLE HINTS!!!
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Welcome to your 40's. No, that thing you're talking about didn't happen three, four years ago. It was fifteen years ago.
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn't.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn't.
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I don't care what you say about Zombies.
Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.
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Would you still follow me if i told you:
-I don't drink coffee
-I don't drink alcohol
-I don't smoke( cigarettes/weed)
Would you?
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Ask a man to bring any random thing from your bag and you can be sure he won't find it and will bring the whole bag instead.
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Funny that people can avoid kissing someone when they're sick, but can't avoid giving their opinion when they're stupid.
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You know you're ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies " it's me" when you ask who's at the door.
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Welcome to your 40's. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but i'm beautiful.
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Yeah, sex is good and blah blah, but have you ever gotten someone saying they care about you, then found out they really do?
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"It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
- Fuck you.
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Life is short.
Pack your bags, check your car, buy tons of snacks and go on a road trip.
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Why do newborns' clothes have pockets?
*only wrong answers.
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Idk who needs to hear this, but no, you will not understand when you're older.
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If you smile when reading this, you'll make my day.
Please smile.
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed...
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but you are someone's what if.
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Ok. I did the adult thing. Had kids. Raised them as good as i could. Now that they're grown ups, can i go back to being a kid?
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Imagine finding your soulmate and they say you put too much cheese on your pasta.
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Due to travel restrictions, all roads lead to the fridge now.
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If you never feel stupid, chances are you are stupid.
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You never know what may happen in life.
Please take the time today to tell ppl who deserve it to go fuck themselves.
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I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
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What do ppl who say "please excuse the mess" when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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I call my ex "Appendix" because he didn't seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn't change a thing in my life.
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I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. In fact, I am literally not a cup of tea.
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If she says "I have a question but don't lie", just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
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Good morning to everyone except drivers who speed up when someone is trying to pass them.
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No matter how old you are, if you sit in an office spinning chair, you spin.
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If she starts laughing in the middle of an argument, run.
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A toxic ex is like those stickers that peel off 90% of the way, but leave behind 10% that are bonded to the surface of the object for life.
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It's difficult to accept good things happening to you when you have been used to bad things consuming you for so long.
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My dad used to say that the greatest gift of life is health. But he was wrong. The greatest gift of life is to have a father.
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Imagine if all kisses felt like first kisses.
Imagine...
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Your soulmate is the person in the mirror, you idiot.
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Welcome to your 40's. You might see blurry up close, but you can clearly see stupid in the distance.
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I know it may sound crazy, but what if good listeners needed listeners too?
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Isn't it funny how we expect them to read between the lines when they can't even read the fucking lines?
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If you see me eating alone in a restaurant, please respect my privacy. I've earned this alone time.
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Welcome to your 40's, you move your lips when you think now.
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Idk who needs to hear this, but that empty shampoo bottle in your shower has been there for weeks.
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Welcome to your 40's, you don't wish for your date to be hot, smart or rich, you just hope they're normal.
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Idk who needs to hear this, but stop feeling guilty when you walk out of a store without buying anything.
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Paper straws are disgusting.
The best alternative to plastic straws is no straws at all.
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How to upgrade your salad in two steps.
1. Add a steak
2. Add potatoes.
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Sex so good, you need no safe word, no spirit animal, no plot twist...
Ok, maybe Morgan Freeman to narrate it.
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So you're telling me that there are ppl who use chopsticks when they're home alone and nobody's watching them?
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Divorce procedure after 20 years marriage, should be a handshake, a pat in the back, and wishing each other good luck.
- 20 seconds.
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I've just watched a fly rub its hands together for 15 minutes.
Flies are so stupid, wasting 15 minutes like this.
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What do people who have loud phone conversations using their cell’s speakerphone want from us?
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Strange how easily someone can 'slide' into your life, be a part of it for days, weeks or months, then go back to be perfect strangers.
- And life goes on...
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What if, for once, you chose the one who has chosen you?
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When one door closes, order pizza, eat it all by yourself then take a nap.
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Behind every great woman, there's a man checking out her butt while she walks.
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Be stupid. Laugh at your own stupidity. Be happy. Repeat.
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There's no such thing as a good or a bad friend.
Either you're a friend or you're not.
The end.
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn't be the first thing I do.
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If i post a joke and you don't think it's funny, i'll just assume you're not smart enough to get the genius in me.
Then i'll laugh at my funny joke. Alone with my genius.
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Most of the time (around 99%), women aren't mad at you. They're just mad at themselves.
But because of you.
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If i could read minds, i'd definitely start with my own.
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What is meant to be yours, will look for you, find you, and stay for you.
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When you kill a mosquito, do you leave its body lying in the crime scene so that all his friends and family know what you're capable of ?
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-Brain: Too expensive, you'll never wear it. Don't buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
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Welcome to your 40's. You're not old, you're not young.
-You're hot.
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I don't trust people who can eat 4 pistachios and stop.
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Repeat after me:
"They lost me, i didn't lose them."
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Welcome to your 40's. Squinting's not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
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Welcome to your 40's. Giggling is now followed by coughing fits.
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