When I became part of
@WidowedAndYoung
after Tim's sudden death, there was a running joke about who had the latest copy of the handbook. And so, three years later, The Widow's Handbook blog was born. Its aim is to help widows and those around them
Struggling a bit at the moment. Winter was never a good time for me and now it's the time between Tim's birthday in December and his death in February. I have a life I love and I know this is a blip, but I could really do with a hug.
Things I have learned as a widow. A list.
Grieving is incredibly tiring.
Grief hurts physically.
You are really thirsty in the raw days of grief.
The people who you thought would step up aren’t always the ones you expect.
People make you a lot of tea.
1/n
As we move closer to New Year's Eve, I'm thinking of all the
#widows
who will move from 'My partner died this year' to 'My partner died last year'. For me that was an unexpected loss. Sending love xxxxx
#widow
#grief
A note for the not-widowed. Don't tell people they should have 'moved on by now'. Equally, don't criticise people for moving on too quickly. Grief has a complicated and squiggling timeline, and no two griefs are the same.
#grief
#widow
That it doesn’t always hurt like it did in the early days.
That you might find love again. Or you might not. And either is fine.
You can be happy again. It’s not the happy you planned for but it’s okay.
5/5
Behind every
#memory
lies a life well-lived. We celebrate those we
#grieve
by saying their name because they aren't just someone who died; they are, and forever will be, someone who lived.
📷: girl_meets_grief on IG
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly in February 2018, and five years on I'm selling his precious book collection. It's the right thing to do, and I'm keeping a few books, but it has surprised me how much it hurts. Love to all of you clearing stuff out today
You lose your past, your present and your future.
Grounding techniques can actually work.
Your perspectives change.
Your people change.
Widow’s brain is real.
Touch starvation is real.
Heartache and yearning are real.
Loneliness is real.
2/n
Tim would have been 55 today, but only made it to 50. As with all milestones, I find the day itself easier than the runup. Thinking of all of you having a milestone today.
It’s okay to not clean the house, or leave the washing up until Thursday.
Celebrating the tiniest win, like having a shower, is good.
Sheep give you funny looks when you stand in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere and sob.
4/n
You miss having someone to do nothing with.
It can be little things that hurt the most.
People say the most ridiculous things, but they also say the loveliest things.
It’s okay to be really angry.
It’s okay to have widow’s fire.
3/n
Thinking about rather firsts - it was the unexpected ones I found the hardest. The first load of washing without his socks in it. The first supermarket shop without his favourites. The first time I put the bins out because he did that. What were your unexpected firsts?
I've moved from the house where Tim had his bookshop & where he died to a house near the sea that I hope will be my forever home. I was worried that I would lose Tim in the move & in some way lose me too. But it is finally starting to feel like home.
I am five and a half years out from Tim's death. I am happy with my new life and I am (finally) excited for the future, but I still miss him, I still grieve, and this is not the life I expected or planned for
#Widow
#Grief
#NewNormal
So much love to my
#widow
and
#grief
tribe. We didn't choose the reason that we know each other, but we care for each other. Here's to a 2024 taken one moment, one breath, one step at a time xxx
When Tim died I missed touch so much. After lockdown, when I went back to my Pilates class, my tutor put her hand on me to adjust my position and I almost cried.
#Skinhunger
is real.
#widow
#grief
#touchstarvation
The Widow's Handbook has almost 2000 followers. I know that on the scale of many accounts on Twitter/X it's not a huge following, but that's almost 2000 people who have become a
#widow
or have been touched by
#grief
or
#bereavement
. A lot of people. Love to you all.
RubyCat has been getting thinner and more wobbly, and I think I need to take her to the vet tomorrow. While that may not be goodbye I don't think it will be long.
I know she's 17, but she feels like my last link to living with Tim.
#widow
#grief
Funeral plans are well underway but the weight of grief is exhausting. I had no idea it would feel this hard which is naive on my part. It’s about more than losing Mike. It’s also the life we’ll no longer live. The plans that died when he did. Tough. For me and his family. 💔
When I stepped out of the door the morning that Tim died, I couldn’t believe that village life could go on as normal when my life had so suddenly and drastically changed. But it did. The life we live without them can leave us feeling guilty and resentful. 1/2
Sometimes I feel that I'm living two parallel lives. There's the life that changed abruptly when Tim died, and the other that carried on, where we are still married and he is still in his bookshop.
#widow
Today I am celebrating 2 years married to my wonderful wife Dee. Next month would have been my 15th anniversary of my wonderful late husband Tim. I love Dee, but I still love and grieve Tim. I'm not living the life I planned but I'm loving the life I have.
#grief
#widow
#bisexual
When Tim died it hurt. And I don't just mean that my heart broke. My stomach hurt. I felt sick. My head ached. I didn't know at the time, but this is a 'normal' part of grief.
Some
#widows
take off their wedding rings on the day of their partner's death. Some wear them forever. Some put them on a chain around their neck or on a different finger. Some give them away or make them into a new ring. None of these is wrong or right.
@_katiearchibald
I am so sorry. My husband died suddenly in bed next to me. I did CPR but he never came back. My heart goes out to you. I have received amazing support from
@WidowedAndYoung
over the past four years
There's so much talk about there about
#cancer
at the moment following the King's diagnosis. A huge hug to all of you in the
#widow
and
#grief
community who are finding this a trigger
Tomorrow may be harder than you expected, or easier. Just remember - it's just one day. And you've got through just one day before. You've got this, and the Widow Warriors have got your back.
Xxx
I might delete this later, but I just dissolved into tears. Mum's in respite so I thought I'd try to join a walk next week with a group in the next village. Their joining process requires the name and number of an emergency contact. I don't have one now...🥹
One of the hard things about
#widowhood
is achieving something, however big or small, and not being able to tell our person about it and celebrate it. Tell us something that you have achieved since being widowed and we will celebrate it with you.
#widowhood
# grief
I'm low at the moment. It's not
#grief
, it's my old comrade
#depression
, which visits now and then. This is just a reminder that sometimes, depression just is. It's in my genes. No amount of tree hugging, walking barefoot in the grass, exercising or eating better...
1/n
RubyCat has been getting thinner and more wobbly, and I think I need to take her to the vet tomorrow. While that may not be goodbye I don't think it will be long.
I know she's 17, but she feels like my last link to living with Tim.
#widow
#grief
The day Tim died I had to do the hardest thing; break the news to his parents. I had to tell my family. Friends passed the news onto friends. What I hadn't realised was how often I was going to have to tell people. Even years on.
#widow
#grief
#sadmin
Living with grief can be exhausting, and leaves us feeling that we cannot achieve anything. So, today, celebrate all of the little wins, from cleaning your teeth to changing the sheets, and from feeding the cat to cooking a meal for yourself.
@RadarLanark
We had that poem at our wedding and then at Tim's funeral nine years later. The
#widow
and
#grief
community is here for you - lean on us xx
It's your birthday today. Five years gone, and I've moved forward into a life where I'm happy again, but I still miss you, my gentle man and gentleman.
#widow
# grief
I post a lot on here about how hard it is being a
#widow
. And it really is. But from the perspective of 6+ years out (and bear in mind this is my journey - your journey and timeline may differ), things are better. I smile. 1/2
I find joy in things. I have created a whole new life in a new place by the sea. While my
#grief
is still there and always will be, my life has grown around it. Sending love to my
#widow
community 2/2
Love to all the
#widows
. I hope yesterday was beautiful/bearable/uneventful/over for everyone (delete as applicable). Went in the sea this morning and I now feel smug, snug, and full of hot chocolate xxx
I can't promise that it will get better, as
#grief
is different for everyone. I can't tell you how long it will be. All I can tell you is that grief slowly changed for me until it became something I live alongside. It's part of me, but I am now living rather than just surviving.
Just sold my little Mazda MX-5. The first car I bought after Tim died. I remembered everything he had taught me about buying a second hand car, and it was my freedom and my joy on early widowhood. Feeling a bit sad xx
I ran my 50th
@parkrunUK
on Saturday
Tim died early on a Saturday morning. My Parkrun alarm went off as the paramedics worked on him. Parkrun kept me sane as I grieved. I stopped running after injury but I'm back. Thank you Parkrun, runners & volunteers for being there for me
After Tim died, I became so tired. The kind of tired that squashes you flat. The kind of tired that it felt like even my bones hurt. Feeling this exhausted can be scary. But it is a normal part of
#grief
.
#Widow
Five and a half years ago, Tim died suddenly and unexpectedly and my life fell apart. During lockdown, I started talking to an amazing illustrator called Dee. Three years ago today, we had our first date. Two tears ago I asked her to marry me, and thankfully she said yes. 1/2
The hunt for Dr Michael Mosley, where they have just reported the finding of a body, is likely to be triggering for many of us in the
#widow
community. Sending love to all, and to his family and friends.
#Grief
doesn’t have a set timeline. There’s no list anywhere that says ‘you must feel like this on day 6, like this on week 4, and be over it after 12 months and three days’. Everyone grieves on a different timeline, and that timeline is normal for you.
A good relationship is a partnership. We share tasks, decisions and responsibilities. And when we are bereaved, all those decisions fall on us alone. This is decision fatigue.
#widow
#grief
#decisionfatigue
The little things are the big things. Making someone a cuppa. Sending a text to say you’re thinking of them. Picking up something you know they like from the shop. Warming a towel or a t-shirt on the radiator. All better than grand gestures. The little things are missed. ❤️🥰
Some days we potter along. Everything is, if not marvellous, then pretty much okay. Then out of the blue comes a grief attack. It's like a wave on thebeach has come up and caught you behind the knees, throwing you off balance.
Listening to Michael Palin on
@BBCRadio4
and his description of ‘just sharing a glance’ with his late wife & not having to say anything to communicate made me tear up. I miss that so much
#widowhood
One of the things that surprised me when Tim died was the people who reached out to me. Some of them were the people I expected. My family. My closest and dearest friends. But some of them were people I didn't expect. 1/2
The first year of
#grief
is tough, and I drew a sigh of relief when it was over. I found the second year of grief very different. Harder in some ways, easier in others.
#widow
Celebrity losses can trigger memories of our personal losses, especially when they are memories of times we shared together. Much love to everyone in the
#grief
community today
Sorting Tim's stuff after he died was so hard. Some I did after a few weeks, some took me months and years and a few rounds filtering things out. Some I have kept. There is no single right time for doing it. The most valuable things stay. My memories.
The first feeling I had when Tim died was numbness. His death came out of nowhere, and I went into shock. I felt like I separate, and was watching myself and the world around me from a great height
As
#FathersDay
approaches, sending a shout out to the widowed people who weren't able to be dads, the
#widows
supporting children missing their dads, and to any
#widow
missing their dad
The turning of the year is hard after
#bereavement
, especially the first time, as it takes us into a year that our person didn't reach. Reach out for help, either here or IRL, raise a glass or a mug of tea to your person, and go back to the coping strategies that helped...
If the five stages of grief doesn't work for you - just a reminder that it wasn't created for people who lose someone. Kübler-Ross created the model to help terminally ill people to come to term with their own illness and death.
Want to know what to do when faced with someone's
#grief
and
#bereavement
? Talk about the person we have lost. Tell us it sucks. Tell us you love us. Listen. Continue to check in after the first few weeks & months. And here are a few ways to help:
#widow
@HandbookWidows
Some days, since my husband died unexpectedly, I remind myself that all I have to do today is breathe. Everything else can wait. Nothing else is important. It’s okay to just be still with my sadness, and breathe.
There’s nothing I can say that makes this better. As Tim would say, it is what it is. We continue without them, moving forward but not moving on. And as a community, we do it together. 2/2
While it might feel like the rest of the world is laser-focused on getting the year over and done with, you're not alone if you find yourself wishing that 2023 would slow down so you won't reach that sickening point of having to say "they died last year."
#PerfectlyNormal
I'm going to be on BBC Radio Cornwall at 12.15-ish tomorrow on The Big Guest slot to talk to
@Skentelbery
about being a widow, and The Widow's Handbook. The interview should be available online afterwards.
I’m working to get this point. I know a lot of you dislike it when I feel this way, but she was supposed to be it for me. It didn’t end that way so, it’s like I have to forget the future memories we had planned for and dreamed of. That’s not easy.
#grief
#widower
When we are widowed, loneliness can be overwhelming and all-encompassing, and made worse by our
#grief
. It’s also a loneliness that isn’t linked to being alone – a
#widow
can be lonely in a crowd.
#ThingsYouLearnAsAWidow
#DerbyWitness