The Widows Handbook
@HandbookWidows
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- a guide to being widowed from someone who's been there. Helen Bailey blog award 2022. #widow #youngwidow #grief #support #LGBTQ
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Last Seen Profiles
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When I became part of
@WidowedAndYoung
after Tim's sudden death, there was a running joke about who had the latest copy of the handbook. And so, three years later, The Widow's Handbook blog was born. Its aim is to help widows and those around them
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Struggling a bit at the moment. Winter was never a good time for me and now it's the time between Tim's birthday in December and his death in February. I have a life I love and I know this is a blip, but I could really do with a hug.
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Things I have learned as a widow. A list.
Grieving is incredibly tiring.
Grief hurts physically.
You are really thirsty in the raw days of grief.
The people who you thought would step up aren’t always the ones you expect.
People make you a lot of tea.
1/n
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That it doesn’t always hurt like it did in the early days.
That you might find love again. Or you might not. And either is fine.
You can be happy again. It’s not the happy you planned for but it’s okay.
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My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly in February 2018, and five years on I'm selling his precious book collection. It's the right thing to do, and I'm keeping a few books, but it has surprised me how much it hurts. Love to all of you clearing stuff out today
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You lose your past, your present and your future.
Grounding techniques can actually work.
Your perspectives change.
Your people change.
Widow’s brain is real.
Touch starvation is real.
Heartache and yearning are real.
Loneliness is real.
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Tim would have been 55 today, but only made it to 50. As with all milestones, I find the day itself easier than the runup. Thinking of all of you having a milestone today.
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It’s okay to not clean the house, or leave the washing up until Thursday.
Celebrating the tiniest win, like having a shower, is good.
Sheep give you funny looks when you stand in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere and sob.
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You miss having someone to do nothing with.
It can be little things that hurt the most.
People say the most ridiculous things, but they also say the loveliest things.
It’s okay to be really angry.
It’s okay to have widow’s fire.
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Thinking about rather firsts - it was the unexpected ones I found the hardest. The first load of washing without his socks in it. The first supermarket shop without his favourites. The first time I put the bins out because he did that. What were your unexpected firsts?
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I've moved from the house where Tim had his bookshop & where he died to a house near the sea that I hope will be my forever home. I was worried that I would lose Tim in the move & in some way lose me too. But it is finally starting to feel like home.
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I am five and a half years out from Tim's death. I am happy with my new life and I am (finally) excited for the future, but I still miss him, I still grieve, and this is not the life I expected or planned for
#Widow
#Grief
#NewNormal
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Thinking of all of you as 2022 ticks over into 2023. We are not leaving them behind
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So much love to my
#widow
and
#grief
tribe. We didn't choose the reason that we know each other, but we care for each other. Here's to a 2024 taken one moment, one breath, one step at a time xxx
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When Tim died I missed touch so much. After lockdown, when I went back to my Pilates class, my tutor put her hand on me to adjust my position and I almost cried.
#Skinhunger
is real.
#widow
#grief
#touchstarvation
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Raising my coffee cup today to all the women who have lost their partners
#InternationalWomensDay
#widow
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I am in awe of thee
#grief
community on Twitter. There way it lifts people up, holds them tight, provides practical advice and just listens
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The Widow's Handbook has almost 2000 followers. I know that on the scale of many accounts on Twitter/X it's not a huge following, but that's almost 2000 people who have become a
#widow
or have been touched by
#grief
or
#bereavement
. A lot of people. Love to you all.
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This puts it perfectly for me
Grief feels like when you want to go home, but you can’t.
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It's a heartbreaking thing - and in some ways, a privilege
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Leaving the house where Tim and I lived and where Tim died was tough but I am now in an amazing place with a view of the sea (just).
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Goodbye and sleep well, little cat x
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Knowing that he loved me until the moment he died helps me
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After Tim died, I became so tired. The kind of tired that squashes you flat. The kind of tired that it felt like even my bones hurt.
Funeral plans are well underway but the weight of grief is exhausting. I had no idea it would feel this hard which is naive on my part. It’s about more than losing Mike. It’s also the life we’ll no longer live. The plans that died when he did. Tough. For me and his family. 💔
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When I stepped out of the door the morning that Tim died, I couldn’t believe that village life could go on as normal when my life had so suddenly and drastically changed. But it did. The life we live without them can leave us feeling guilty and resentful. 1/2
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Sometimes I feel that I'm living two parallel lives. There's the life that changed abruptly when Tim died, and the other that carried on, where we are still married and he is still in his bookshop.
#widow
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When Tim died it hurt. And I don't just mean that my heart broke. My stomach hurt. I felt sick. My head ached. I didn't know at the time, but this is a 'normal' part of grief.
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Some
#widows
take off their wedding rings on the day of their partner's death. Some wear them forever. Some put them on a chain around their neck or on a different finger. Some give them away or make them into a new ring. None of these is wrong or right.
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Be proud of yourself, because you've survived the days you thought you couldn't
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@_katiearchibald
I am so sorry. My husband died suddenly in bed next to me. I did CPR but he never came back. My heart goes out to you. I have received amazing support from
@WidowedAndYoung
over the past four years
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Tomorrow may be harder than you expected, or easier. Just remember - it's just one day. And you've got through just one day before. You've got this, and the Widow Warriors have got your back.
Xxx
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That first time you realise your person isn't there to be your emergency contact- it hurts so much
#Grief
#widow
I might delete this later, but I just dissolved into tears. Mum's in respite so I thought I'd try to join a walk next week with a group in the next village. Their joining process requires the name and number of an emergency contact. I don't have one now...🥹
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One of the hard things about
#widowhood
is achieving something, however big or small, and not being able to tell our person about it and celebrate it. Tell us something that you have achieved since being widowed and we will celebrate it with you.
#widowhood
# grief
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I'm low at the moment. It's not
#grief
, it's my old comrade
#depression
, which visits now and then. This is just a reminder that sometimes, depression just is. It's in my genes. No amount of tree hugging, walking barefoot in the grass, exercising or eating better...
1/n
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Living with grief can be exhausting, and leaves us feeling that we cannot achieve anything. So, today, celebrate all of the little wins, from cleaning your teeth to changing the sheets, and from feeding the cat to cooking a meal for yourself.
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@RadarLanark
We had that poem at our wedding and then at Tim's funeral nine years later. The
#widow
and
#grief
community is here for you - lean on us xx
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Tim. A gentleman and a gentle man. Six years is yesterday and forever. I have a new life that I love but I will always miss you and our old life.
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It's your birthday today. Five years gone, and I've moved forward into a life where I'm happy again, but I still miss you, my gentle man and gentleman.
#widow
# grief
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I post a lot on here about how hard it is being a
#widow
. And it really is. But from the perspective of 6+ years out (and bear in mind this is my journey - your journey and timeline may differ), things are better. I smile. 1/2
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Love to all the
#widows
. I hope yesterday was beautiful/bearable/uneventful/over for everyone (delete as applicable). Went in the sea this morning and I now feel smug, snug, and full of hot chocolate xxx
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Being ill on your own really is rubbish
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I can't promise that it will get better, as
#grief
is different for everyone. I can't tell you how long it will be. All I can tell you is that grief slowly changed for me until it became something I live alongside. It's part of me, but I am now living rather than just surviving.
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Just sold my little Mazda MX-5. The first car I bought after Tim died. I remembered everything he had taught me about buying a second hand car, and it was my freedom and my joy on early widowhood. Feeling a bit sad xx
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I ran my 50th
@parkrunUK
on Saturday
Tim died early on a Saturday morning. My Parkrun alarm went off as the paramedics worked on him. Parkrun kept me sane as I grieved. I stopped running after injury but I'm back. Thank you Parkrun, runners & volunteers for being there for me
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Five and a half years ago, Tim died suddenly and unexpectedly and my life fell apart. During lockdown, I started talking to an amazing illustrator called Dee. Three years ago today, we had our first date. Two tears ago I asked her to marry me, and thankfully she said yes. 1/2
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The hunt for Dr Michael Mosley, where they have just reported the finding of a body, is likely to be triggering for many of us in the
#widow
community. Sending love to all, and to his family and friends.
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#Grief
doesn’t have a set timeline. There’s no list anywhere that says ‘you must feel like this on day 6, like this on week 4, and be over it after 12 months and three days’. Everyone grieves on a different timeline, and that timeline is normal for you.
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We all do this. I hope that today you are at least surviving, and I would love you to thrive
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Thus is why I talk about moving forward, not moving on
Moving forward as a widow isn't about forgetting the past. It's about living with memories while making new ones.❤
#WidowJourney
#WidowSupport
#LoveNeverDies
#EmbraceMemories
#CreateNewMemories
#StrengthInGrief
#CherishThePast
#NewBeginnings
#LegacyOfLove
#HealingTogether
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A good relationship is a partnership. We share tasks, decisions and responsibilities. And when we are bereaved, all those decisions fall on us alone. This is decision fatigue.
#widow
#grief
#decisionfatigue
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And to add - this isn't the life I chose. But it's the one I live.
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So very true. The little things are the things I miss the most
The little things are the big things. Making someone a cuppa. Sending a text to say you’re thinking of them. Picking up something you know they like from the shop. Warming a towel or a t-shirt on the radiator. All better than grand gestures. The little things are missed. ❤️🥰
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Cooling while you are grieving is hard and being widowed in a
#CostOfLivingCrisis
just makes things harder.
@BootstrapCook
is here to help
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Some days we potter along. Everything is, if not marvellous, then pretty much okay. Then out of the blue comes a grief attack. It's like a wave on thebeach has come up and caught you behind the knees, throwing you off balance.
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It's the small things, the ordinary things, the not really anything things xx
Listening to Michael Palin on
@BBCRadio4
and his description of ‘just sharing a glance’ with his late wife & not having to say anything to communicate made me tear up. I miss that so much
#widowhood
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This tweet made me think about a blog post on spoon theory. It works well for grief
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@aktasglin
@powerhouseQueer
@lunabird444
@OGdukeneurosurg
I had to do CPR when my husband's heart stopped. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It's not about healing hands, it's about getting the blood around their bodies.
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One of the things that surprised me when Tim died was the people who reached out to me. Some of them were the people I expected. My family. My closest and dearest friends. But some of them were people I didn't expect. 1/2
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Bank Holiday weekends can be tough when you are a
#widow
- hope you all are doing okay today x
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Secondary losses are hard
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Sorting Tim's stuff after he died was so hard. Some I did after a few weeks, some took me months and years and a few rounds filtering things out. Some I have kept. There is no single right time for doing it. The most valuable things stay. My memories.
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The first feeling I had when Tim died was numbness. His death came out of nowhere, and I went into shock. I felt like I separate, and was watching myself and the world around me from a great height
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As
#FathersDay
approaches, sending a shout out to the widowed people who weren't able to be dads, the
#widows
supporting children missing their dads, and to any
#widow
missing their dad
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The turning of the year is hard after
#bereavement
, especially the first time, as it takes us into a year that our person didn't reach. Reach out for help, either here or IRL, raise a glass or a mug of tea to your person, and go back to the coping strategies that helped...
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If the five stages of grief doesn't work for you - just a reminder that it wasn't created for people who lose someone. Kübler-Ross created the model to help terminally ill people to come to term with their own illness and death.
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Want to know what to do when faced with someone's
#grief
and
#bereavement
? Talk about the person we have lost. Tell us it sucks. Tell us you love us. Listen. Continue to check in after the first few weeks & months. And here are a few ways to help:
#widow
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This says it beutifully
@HandbookWidows
Some days, since my husband died unexpectedly, I remind myself that all I have to do today is breathe. Everything else can wait. Nothing else is important. It’s okay to just be still with my sadness, and breathe.
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We know better than many how limited it is xxx
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There’s nothing I can say that makes this better. As Tim would say, it is what it is. We continue without them, moving forward but not moving on. And as a community, we do it together. 2/2
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I love this version of my mantra - one moment, one breath and one step at a time
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This one really surprised me the New Year after Tim died. Sending love to all
While it might feel like the rest of the world is laser-focused on getting the year over and done with, you're not alone if you find yourself wishing that 2023 would slow down so you won't reach that sickening point of having to say "they died last year."
#PerfectlyNormal
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I'm going to be on BBC Radio Cornwall at 12.15-ish tomorrow on The Big Guest slot to talk to
@Skentelbery
about being a widow, and The Widow's Handbook. The interview should be available online afterwards.
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Forgetting future memories... we lose our past, our present and our future when we lose our person
#widow
#grief
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When we are widowed, loneliness can be overwhelming and all-encompassing, and made worse by our
#grief
. It’s also a loneliness that isn’t linked to being alone – a
#widow
can be lonely in a crowd.
#ThingsYouLearnAsAWidow
#DerbyWitness
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