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apologies to the loved ones who have spent hundreds of dollars on toys for my kids, but right now their favorite toy is [checks notes] the empty wrapping paper tube

RT @Catshealdeprsn:

We are ten hours into Thanksgiving break. One child has walking pneumonia. The other is literally climbing the walls. Pray for me.

RT @CSMFHT: I for one like Roman Numeral jokes

IT WAS NOT A TRAP!!!

@kalakirya solidarity hugs i’m so tired and i miss everyone dreadfully

Finding that crucial balance between signaling "I am a cool and chill person who is safe for your child to hang out with" but also "You would be doing me a personal favor if you let your child come over."

i am not petting her in sufficient quantities

At the Dallas Museum of Art playing the ‘Which Baby Jesus most resembles your 50-year-old unemployed uncle?’ game

@greedydancer I’m sorry, boo.

@withabubblegun I’m so sorry, honey. Virtual hugs.

No need to worry about remembering to leave room for Jesus. River ensures there is a safety barrier between myself and my husband at all times.

@shehulking yet more proof that adulthood is a rip-off

They wouldn’t be caught dead sitting on my lap. Their preferred method of demonstrating affection is to sit 2 inches out of petting distance.

@ambitiouspants I'm not looking forward to the day when I actually have to put money in the things to keep my kids happy.