Greggg Wallace
@GreggggWallace
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Premium Gregg Wallace content and a load of other shit
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Phillip Schofield arrives in Spain to help the Spanish Police after sniffer dogs fail to sniff out the missing teenage boy
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I’m all in favour of sending 18 year olds away to the army for a year. In fact I’ve just written to the conservatives to ask if they can extend the scheme to non-verbal autistic 5 year olds.
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"Hello, is that the Mirror? Just to let you know that I'll be 'comforting' my 87 year mother in the park in around 2 hours time. Yes, I'll send you my exact location for your paps. And yes, she's been primed to look suitably anguished"
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Mothers Day today so I’m treating my young wife to a full day of looking after my non verbal autistic son (who I never wanted) while I lock myself in my office and play Total War Saga: Thrones of Britannia.
#MothersDay
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Remember when an ailing Captain Tom was dragged off by his grifter family for a free holiday to Barbados where he caught Covid and died soon afterwards.
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Warning: If you get sent a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song, don't open it. It's a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song.
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10.30am I meet my PA Helen for a breakfast of bacon, sausage and fried egg at the local Harvester.
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I hope to hell that they don't tear down this Piers Morgan statue
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Can't believe that we're still being fed the narrative that Phillip Schofield left
#ThisMorning
because of his feud with Holly. No mention of grooming an underage boy, giving him a job as a runner and then firing him, after making him sign NDA to stop him selling his story.
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So we in England will be expected to risk going back to work while those lazy cunts in Scotland continue to sit at home on their fat arses, eating deep fried mars bars and drinking Irn Bru while the English pay for it with their taxes. Seems fair!
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Holly Willoughby pretending to be surprised to hear about Phillip Schofield and the young runner
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This is who that woman saw on the plane and demanded to get off
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She knew. You can't spend every day with someone for 14 years and not know about their personal life. She chose to ignore it rather than let it upset the cushy job she had on
#ThisMorning
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For
#WorldBookDay
today, my wife (non verbal not autistic) and I sent my non verbal autistic son (who I never wanted) to school in this cute outfit from my favourite book, the silence of the lambs. The house has never been so quiet since we found this perfect outfit last week.
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Hi. Please be careful. There is a link going around about Gary Barlow doing a live show from home. Please don’t click on it as it will take you to Gary Barlow’s live show from home.
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Dan Wootton finally being exposed as the nasty manipulative piece of shit he really is. I'm so here for this.
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C’mon mum, put your back into it, you don’t nearly look upset enough for these staged pics I’ve arranged. If you don’t step up and deliver the anguish levels, I’m stopping your medication.
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Mick Hucknall is trending. Time to trot this out again
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Using his phone while driving. Just another thing Phillip Schofield is guilty of.
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Christ, Eamonn Holmes doesn’t hang around, does he?
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Well I’m finally finished breakfast at the Harvester with my assistant, so now it’s back home for soup prepared by my 4th (non verbal) wife and a chance to see the non verbal autistic son I never wanted as he stares at me from the window of the locked attic.
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I wonder if this lady will be listening to Cheryl Cole's new R&B podcast
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The next queue that Phillip Schofield will be trying to jump
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@LadyFerny
I look forward to the dramatisation where Captain Tom is played by Sheridan Smith
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Warning: If you get a link called "Gary Barlow sings Christmas Carols" Don't open it. It's a link to Gary Barlow singing Christmas Carols.
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If you believe this from Holly Willoughby, then I have a bridge to sell you.
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"Firstly, are you OK? I hope so,” It's a daytime midmorning show watched by bored housewives, benefit scroungers, stoned students and people who can't find the remote control to change the channel, it's not the fucking aftermath of a Russian invasion!
#ThisMorning
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"My morning routine was ruined this morning as I spent an extra 60 minutes in the sauna. It seems that the door was jammed from the outside by a heavy wooden box that was left there by mistake"
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Until this point, the only Island Phillip Schofield wanted to go to was Epstein Island
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“I refuse to touch my son with my bare hands, I’ve heard that non verbal autism can be contagious”
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Was sad to see that Huw Edwards didn’t appear on The One Show as he billed to a couple of days back. Anyone know if he’s busy with something else?
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For anyone looking for a gaming challenge, I whole heartedly recommend playing Total War Saga: Thrones of Britannia while the wife bangs on the locked office door pleading for help with the non verbal autistic son who I never wanted.
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Natalia Kills celebrating the fact that she's finally trending on Twitter
http://t.co/P2zyZLDfmS
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I met my my fourth wife (22 years younger than me) after she tweeted me to ask me a question about rhubarb. Now
@damekatydenise_
keeps sending me DMs to ask about black pudding. I may have to block her and her obvious romantic overtures.
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Captain Tom's daughter forcing him to write more books so she can pay for her new Louis Vuitton handbag
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Who are these cunts 'signing off' from Twitter for the holidays like it's the fucking office. Just stop tweeting, you really don't need to tell me that you're going to stop tweeting. Besides isn't this supposed to be fun, and not work, isn't that why we do it?
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Here’s the picture of Huw Edwards and the massive arse everyone is talking about
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You better shape up, 'cause I need a man,and my heart is set on you
You better shape up, you better understand,
to my heart I must be true
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all I can say is thank god for Twitter, a stark relief from the bullshit we are continually being fed from the traditional press
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Trump’s hairpiece is the first to leave the White House
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Don't forget the clocks going forward tonight. That means we lose an hour this weekend. Which hour should I give up though? The hour when I'm playing with my non-verbal son (who I never wanted) or one of the hours I intend playing Total War Saga: Thrones of Britannia?
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a freebie from
@British_Airways
was too tempting for his family to turn down. Poor old bugger would've been happy with a weekend in Eastbourne
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Warning: If you get sent a link from Ticketmaster for "Ed Sheeran concert tickets" Don't open it. It's a link to buy Ed Sheeran concert tickets.
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When Honey G gets voted off, no doubt she be dragged of the stage shouting "Is it because I is black?!?"
#XFactor
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Barack Obama victory tweet was retweeted 708350 times, narrowly beating previous record when Harry Styles tweeted the word 'Pineapple'
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I aim to walk 7,000 steps a day and not a single step more. One of my favourite walks is to the top of Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh which is around 11,000 steps. Fortunately my assistant Helen brings a wheelchair so that I can finish the route and admire the view.
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The question isn't whether Bobby Beale killed Lucy, it's which Bobby Beale killed Lucy
#Eastenders
#EELive
http://t.co/HUNYBktP4T
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Oh look Mrs Brown’s Boys is on the Christmas TV Schedule
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If you're 16 or over you can audition for the X Factor. If you're male 17 or under, you can audition for Caroline Flack
#xfactor
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Spending quality time with the family today, not my family of course, I'll be alone locked in my office watching The Godfather parts I, II and III.
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Next into the
#CBBUK
house is the actor who played 'handbag snatcher' in a 2004 episode of Hollyoaks
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My sentiments exactly
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I had the most perfect Father's Day today. Our unpaid nanny aka the mother-in-law took my non-verbal autistic son (who I never wanted) out for the day, so I was able to play Total War Saga: Thrones of Britannia undisturbed for 8 solid hours
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Phillip Schofield says in his statement that he’ll be back for the Soap Awards. Mate, there isn’t enough soap in the world that will remove the stench of evil from you
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Amanda Holden after 4 weeks quarantine and the Botox has worn off.
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Here's an idea, why don't Bono and his buddies just pay their taxes like they're supposed to, so we can fund overseas aid instead
#BandAid30
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Chris Maloney vomiting because of the trauma of face to face nominations is my highlight of
#CBB
this series
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Tulisa "I have to go with my heart...and the voice of the producer in my earpiece"
#xfactor
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“Pssst Lorraine, you know all that stuff about your tax dodging shenanigans, well I’ve done something a lot worse”
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"I'll show you the route and then you do the next 100 laps of this park on your own. If it worked for Captain Tom then it'll work for us. Those legal bills aren't going to pay themselves"
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Now let's do the other brother, the one who groomed another underage boy, gave him a job as a runner on his TV show and then fired him, after making him sign an NDA to stop him from selling his story. Let's do him now.
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