Granite Man 🏴
@GraniteDhuine
Followers
19,566
Following
5,309
Media
27,114
Statuses
149,868
The unacceptable face of Scottish Twitter. Whisky drinker, kilt wearer, sweary AF.
Scotland
Joined December 2019
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Pinned Tweet
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren't around.
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My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they're having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
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I can't believe we used to pay for ringtones. If my phone rang now, I'd take a hammer to it.
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So you don't like my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls? Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
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I remember when a computer didn't automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
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The foxes I planted last year are coming along nicely.
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People with bad eyesight love to make you try their glasses on to see how fucked up their eyes are. It's a sign of respect in their culture.
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You're not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
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No one tells you when you get a job how many fucking abbreviations you’ll be forced to learn.
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I love having a nap on the couch in the evening before moving to bed to sleep. It's like a sleep appetiser, a nappetiser.
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Might fuck around and reply "that sounds like a you problem" to every work email today.
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On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
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I hate it when I'm at work and someone asks "are you at free at the moment?". Please expand further so I can know if I'm free or not.
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For fuck sake, here we go again. I mean, good morning.
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I don't like who I become when I'm watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself.
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
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Might fuck around and reply to all work emails with "make me".
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Just got diagnosed as your soulmate. Yeah, sorry about that.
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I never imagined that being an adult would mean having a kitchen shelf full of mugs that I never use, but can't throw out, because I'm emotionally attached to them.
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The real you is the person you become when you're tracking a package.
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I was talking to someone and combined "all good" and "no worries" by saying "all worries". Which was a lot more accurate.
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I think you should be able to call in sick for work when you feel a sense of wistful melancholy.
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Everyone is gangster until they're asked to reveal a "fun fact" about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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Welcome to Twitter, someone who wasn't listened to as a child will be along shortly to overshare.
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The secret to a happy life is being too stupid to realise how fucked up everything is.
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Might fuck around and start all my work emails with "to whom it WILL concern".
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If you read my tweets and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me, imagine how I feel.
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I don't want to boast, but an email found me well today.
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I hate e-tickets for gigs. I miss the physical tickets that you could keep as a wee souvenir.
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The best part of being an adult is being able to decide when your bedtime is, and the worst part is everything else.
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Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, "I'm not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?".
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I've stopped Googling things, the less I know the better.
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No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don't know if you'll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
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Get in loser, I have no fucking idea where we are going.
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Actually give a fuck. Give a fuck about the people you love, give a fuck about the planet and give a fuck about being a decent human being. Give a fuck about the things that matter.
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Can you explain this gap in your tweeting history?
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People who keep their phone on silent permanently are done with life.
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Once I work out how to convert the thoughts in my head into actual, coherent sentences, it is over for you bitches.
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Stop normalising things, we'll run out of the weird shit.
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You don't get to 9 likes on a tweet without making a few enemies.
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Her: You have no sense of direction.
Me: Where did that come from??
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Good morning, we're all adults here, it's important to remember that you can literally buy a cake whenever you want, and no one can stop you.
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Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can't remember a single thing I've done in my entire life, ever*
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Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
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My toxic trait is that my sarcasm and my sincerity are sometimes indistinguishable.
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I don’t ignore you as much as I ignore other people.
*me flirting
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Her: Are you stupid or something?
Me: Can you expand on the "or something" option?
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If you tell Dad jokes and you're not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
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"Telling someone with depression to pull themselves together is about as useful as telling someone with cancer to just stop having cancer"
~ Ricky Gervais
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People just don't say boom shakalaka like they used to.
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I'd make you a grilled cheese sandwich at 3am.
*me flirting
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My toxic trait is reading and loving a book, but not being able to remember a thing about it.
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Netflix should have a category of films that you don't mind falling asleep in front of.
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There are only two things I hate about public transport:
1. The public
2. The transport.
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A team of scientists have been working around the clock to determine What The Actual Fuck. So far the results are inconclusive.
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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying "Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here".
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Happy St. Patrick's Day to all of my Celtic cousins ☘️
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Stay humble, you are someone's weird coworker.
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Putting ketchup on fries is too permanent for me, I have to dip. I control the sauce, the sauce doesn't control me.
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Weekends should be 6 days. The work week should be 1 day, and part time.
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Might fuck around and reply "slay" to every work email today.
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Might start booing people during work Zoom meetings that I'm not interested in.
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When rich people choose a hill to die on it's usually Mount Everest.
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I used to think I was an introvert, turns out most people are just awful.
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Just because I love you doesn't mean I'll let you win at board games, fuck you.
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The first 365 days of January are always the hardest.
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Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
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Doctor: Sorry, but your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0mg.
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My love language is bothering the fuck out of you.
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Twitter is like a psychiatric ward except no one gets better.
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I’m so glad I can tweet all my embarrassing thoughts on here and not worry about it because none of you are real.
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Yeah, thanks everyone.
*me at the end of a work zoom call when I haven't spoken and have contributed nothing
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There's nothing worse than spending 30 minutes in a phone queue for something that can't be done on the website, while a recorded message repeatedly tells you that the same website is a fast and easy way to do stuff and maybe I should try it.
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I'm a people pleaser, unless you don't like that. Then I'm not.
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I wish Twitter would let you add a little note when you block someone so I can remember if I did it for them being racist, misogynistic or for being slightly too annoying on a day when I was grumpier than usual.
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She's a 10 and she puts the stab in instability.
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I'm on twitter because I like to watch the world burn in real time.
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Fuck this, I'm running away to join the Muppets.
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I always thought it was awesome that there's a vampire on Sesame Street. Because you obviously need to introduce children to the concept of the undead who feed on the vital life force of human beings as early as possible.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that's when I didn't have a job.
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Maybe your overpriced coffee, in a disposable cup with your name misspelt, will fix you.
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If you're sad, just remember there are over 1,800 different types of cheese in the world. You're welcome.
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Her: How do you manage to stay so positive?
Me: I'm delusional.
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The world needs more goofy, the world needs more silly.
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