Garry Shandling
@GarryShandling
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Friends who love Garry, working with his estate, are opening up Garry’s twitter. We will occasionally tweet material from the writings, notes and journals he has left us: “Let life live through you. Presence. Compassion. Kindness.”
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When I die, at the eulogy I want my boxing coach to walk up coffin, and begin: "One! two! three! four! Five! Six! He's not getting up!"
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Re Trump. A real man doesn't talk about the size of his penis unless he's a comedian.
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If I was Kanye I wouldn't wait for the GOP convention, I'd go make a deal with Mitt right now.
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Everything that has happened in the past has brought you to this single moment. How miraculous is that? Everything from the time you were born, and before, is in this single untimeable moment.
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Everyone is worried about that final judgement....well, I say turn it around, put the pressure on God: I've got a lot of explaining, NO YOU have a lot of explaining. What the Hell where you thinking...?????
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I learned to drive on my dad's lap. I'd sit on his lap and he'd work the brakes and I'd work the wheel. Then I took the exam and sat on the Examiner. I failed the test, but he still writes to me.
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Why doesn't the NRA get behind allowing Iran to have a
nuclear weapon? Because, nuclear weapons don't kill
people. People kill people.
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I'm starting to envy those who live under a dictatorship and don't have to vote.
#DemDebate
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Yeah, my dog died, so I took his ashes back to Hawaii. And I got drunk and I threw his ashes in the kid's pool by mistake. The next day I realized it, but I thought, you know, he always liked to play with the kids. He's going to be happy.
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I don't ever think about having sex with my dog. But sometimes I think he thinks about it, because he'll be licking himself and he'll stop for a second and look right at me, and then go back to licking himself. Maybe I'm staring at him too long.
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I'm not so concerned with the billionaires who will clutch for more, but for those who have nothing and clutch for that.
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I'm pissed because I just found out that my shrink doesn't think of our session as dates. My dates are very much like a shrink session. Mostly because there's always crying involved and there's always someone waiting to go after me.
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2010 draft email from Garry addressed to himself at age 16
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Remember few jokes I wrote at S & S. Fred: I just bought a boat. Friend: Sail? Fred: No, I paid the regular price. (Starting out!)
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You've got to be an idiot to do anythig that makes the city of Boston mad
at you. Boston, I salute you.
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The British Comedy Award for Best International Comedy as the Millennium Approaches
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The trouble with Donald Trump is his hair is not the problem.
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Rip Torn 1931-2019
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I have a dog that I adopted, but I didn’t know when to break it to him that he was adopted. So I waited a few months and asked, have you noticed that we don’t look alike? You have a tail and I don’t. You have a big nose and well . . .
Then he ran away to find his real parents.
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I've never been so happy/thrilled about any award in my life as
@jeffreytambor
golden globe win for best actor! Congrats!
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I took a couple of years off. I made a mistake because I realized you only exist if you’re on TV. And even God goes, “Hey, hey, I can’t help you. I haven’t seen you. I‘ve been flipping around. I can’t help you.”
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If this isn't the shortest day of the year I don't know what is.
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Rick Santorum seems so homophobic that I'm surprised he even allows another man to vote for him.
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I am sexually shy. In fact, for many years I couldn't talk dirty to women in bed. I had to write it down and hand it to them.
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You know, I thought about doing a show called "I’ve got Talent," and then each week the judges could go fuck themselves.
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(2013) If I knew then what I know now I could have fucked-up a lot faster.
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Sam Simon wrote on my first series, IGSS. Sam was like a hilarious hurricane in the writer's room. His force will be
missed.
#RIPSamSimon
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If I were really able to make friends with myself, then I wouldn’t be afraid of making mistakes. I hereby make friends with myself.
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I think what Jenner is doing is as strong and courageous as winning the decathlon. Where's the confusion?
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And I still buy my own condoms. Which is embarrassing, because I go into the pharmacy and I like to try them on. And there's no dressing room there. And I want to come out and go "Does this one make me look fat?"
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I'm starting to look like Garry Shandling. I didn't see that coming.
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My penis is all caught up in trying to be like a penis in the movies: a macho penis, yet one with a heart.
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Only one campaign can consistently beat Trump: Trump's. How far will he go?
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I read that a guy had a heartattack while making love. This intimidated me, that a guy could be so into it that he had a heartattack. One time I got a cramp in my arch. That's it. I yelled, "Hold it" and grabbed my foot. It's just not romantic to hear a woman say, "Walk it off."
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If you're head of the CIA and can't hide an extramarital affair it means it can't
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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A real man is someone who can give love that he never got. And is funny.
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I hobbled today for the very first time -- it was for just a very, -- hair-split second. But it was a hobble. I'm sure of if.
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ATTN NCAA: I was funny enough in college to be paid.
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Norm MacDonald's Eulogy for Garry Shandling: "My favorite Garry joke: "I'm dating Miss Georgia. All right, it's the former Miss Georgia. OK, it's George Foreman . . . ."
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(1997) They’ve been showing OJ Simpson being chased in his Bronco over and over again the past couple of days. And you know, I live in Brentwood and I make basically that same drive every day with a gun to my head, and no one gives a damn. So what is that about?
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There is one woman I actually would have married and had children and gone the whole route with, but she did not return my call.
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I don't need Viagra. I could use a pill that helps me have a conversation afterwards. I could use that.
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I've been meditating long enough that it now hardly bothers me at all to see Jerry Jones happy.
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Donald Sterling claims Anderson Cooper set him up, and that he didn't know
their conversation was being televised.
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I've been INVITED to White House a few times, and never made it in as far as that dude who jumped the fence.
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Every time you break up it's like a little death. You go through the same seven stages. There's the anger... anger, anger, anger, anger, anger, masturbation, and anger.
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I'd like to see both these teams try a little harder.
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Garry with Johnny in the last weeks of the Tonight Show
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I'm sort of middle-of-the-road politically. I've never burned a flag, but I've never put one out.
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Sea World's new commercials claim whales are happy and love being there. If whales are as smart as they say, why not let them decide.
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I was funny in school, but not the class clown. Class clowns are people who make a farting sound at just the right time when the teacher bends over. I was the guy who would lean over to someone when the teacher bent over and mumble, “Nice ass, huh?” That’s the difference.
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I just broke up with a woman. People tell me I look better because I have been working out. It’s a weird thing that you work out when you break up with someone, you really try to look your best. People walk up to me and say you look great, did you just break up with somebody?
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You know, the Dali Lama said to make sure to put love ahead of success. Wait, was that the order? I wished I had taped it.
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(1997) They’ve been showing OJ Simpson being chased in his Bronco over and over again the past couple of days. And you know, I live in Brentwood and I make basically that same drive every day with a gun to my head, and no one gives a damn. So what is that about?
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Let's put an end to this now:
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Love is everything. Don't confuse it with infatuation. Good luck.
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45 years ago we landed on the moon. We didn't stay, because there was no oil. Next question?
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I've been doing a little yoga, by the way. Those of you who haven't done yoga, just run as fast as you can on a wet floor. Whatever position you end up in, that's a good stretch.
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Just had a big fight with store Santa over who should sit on who's lap.
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George Carlin’s position was actually what is a healthy existential position, which is seeing the world as absurd. A crazy position is that you cannot see the absurdity, you see these crazy things and get involved with them in an angry, choosing side oriented way.
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It's the "'Til death do us part" segment of that wedding vow that sounds like a Mafia contract. I swear to god. Even AA is "One day at a time." Isn't it? Is that so bad, to just be in the moment?
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I'm not that kinky sexually, although occasionally I like to wear a robe and stand in front of one of those tennis ball machines and take a few fast ones and then have a cigarette. Don't you like that? People come over and say, you've got a court? I say, no, just the machine.
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I didn't get married, but I did get a participation trophy. So I feel pretty good about myself.
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@richeisen
My deepest condolences on the passing
of your friend. Thank you for the way you handled it
on the air. So moving. Best, G.
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