Friends who love Garry, working with his estate, are opening up Garry’s twitter. We will occasionally tweet material from the writings, notes and journals he has left us: “Let life live through you. Presence. Compassion. Kindness.”
Everything that has happened in the past has brought you to this single moment. How miraculous is that? Everything from the time you were born, and before, is in this single untimeable moment.
Everyone is worried about that final judgement....well, I say turn it around, put the pressure on God: I've got a lot of explaining, NO YOU have a lot of explaining. What the Hell where you thinking...?????
I learned to drive on my dad's lap. I'd sit on his lap and he'd work the brakes and I'd work the wheel. Then I took the exam and sat on the Examiner. I failed the test, but he still writes to me.
Yeah, my dog died, so I took his ashes back to Hawaii. And I got drunk and I threw his ashes in the kid's pool by mistake. The next day I realized it, but I thought, you know, he always liked to play with the kids. He's going to be happy.
I don't ever think about having sex with my dog. But sometimes I think he thinks about it, because he'll be licking himself and he'll stop for a second and look right at me, and then go back to licking himself. Maybe I'm staring at him too long.
I'm pissed because I just found out that my shrink doesn't think of our session as dates. My dates are very much like a shrink session. Mostly because there's always crying involved and there's always someone waiting to go after me.
I have a dog that I adopted, but I didn’t know when to break it to him that he was adopted. So I waited a few months and asked, have you noticed that we don’t look alike? You have a tail and I don’t. You have a big nose and well . . .
Then he ran away to find his real parents.
I took a couple of years off. I made a mistake because I realized you only exist if you’re on TV. And even God goes, “Hey, hey, I can’t help you. I haven’t seen you. I‘ve been flipping around. I can’t help you.”
And I still buy my own condoms. Which is embarrassing, because I go into the pharmacy and I like to try them on. And there's no dressing room there. And I want to come out and go "Does this one make me look fat?"
I read that a guy had a heartattack while making love. This intimidated me, that a guy could be so into it that he had a heartattack. One time I got a cramp in my arch. That's it. I yelled, "Hold it" and grabbed my foot. It's just not romantic to hear a woman say, "Walk it off."
Norm MacDonald's Eulogy for Garry Shandling: "My favorite Garry joke: "I'm dating Miss Georgia. All right, it's the former Miss Georgia. OK, it's George Foreman . . . ."
(1997) They’ve been showing OJ Simpson being chased in his Bronco over and over again the past couple of days. And you know, I live in Brentwood and I make basically that same drive every day with a gun to my head, and no one gives a damn. So what is that about?
Every time you break up it's like a little death. You go through the same seven stages. There's the anger... anger, anger, anger, anger, anger, masturbation, and anger.
I was funny in school, but not the class clown. Class clowns are people who make a farting sound at just the right time when the teacher bends over. I was the guy who would lean over to someone when the teacher bent over and mumble, “Nice ass, huh?” That’s the difference.
I just broke up with a woman. People tell me I look better because I have been working out. It’s a weird thing that you work out when you break up with someone, you really try to look your best. People walk up to me and say you look great, did you just break up with somebody?
(1997) They’ve been showing OJ Simpson being chased in his Bronco over and over again the past couple of days. And you know, I live in Brentwood and I make basically that same drive every day with a gun to my head, and no one gives a damn. So what is that about?
I've been doing a little yoga, by the way. Those of you who haven't done yoga, just run as fast as you can on a wet floor. Whatever position you end up in, that's a good stretch.
George Carlin’s position was actually what is a healthy existential position, which is seeing the world as absurd. A crazy position is that you cannot see the absurdity, you see these crazy things and get involved with them in an angry, choosing side oriented way.
It's the "'Til death do us part" segment of that wedding vow that sounds like a Mafia contract. I swear to god. Even AA is "One day at a time." Isn't it? Is that so bad, to just be in the moment?
I'm not that kinky sexually, although occasionally I like to wear a robe and stand in front of one of those tennis ball machines and take a few fast ones and then have a cigarette. Don't you like that? People come over and say, you've got a court? I say, no, just the machine.