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@FrogCroakley
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Nate Crowley; author with Black Library (Twice Dead King, Ghazghkull), @harpervoyagerUK , Rebellion, talking at the Electronic Wireless Show. Agent @bigjcowen .
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Having a think about sperm whales this morning. Specifically, how they routinely make one of the most nightmarish journeys imaginable as part of the ordinary business of living.
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Me, a science fiction author known for writing about robots and skin: please, for the love of God, do not give the robots skin
This fleshy, pink smiling face is made from living human skin cells, and was created as part of an experiment to let robots show emotion.
Read more 👉
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♬ He's boiling an egg ♬
♬ He's boiling it twice ♬
♬ He's boiled it again ♬
♬ He's losing his mind ♬
♬ Santa Claus is repeatedly boiling an egg ♬
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HOLY SHIT WE'RE OLD BRICK BUILDINGS
NO FUCKING WAY MATE
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In 1977, it seems, my mum got badly overdrawn and tried to get the bank off her neck by writing a poem. More astonishingly yet, it appears the bank... um... wrote one back. Well played, Midland. Well played mum.
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The movie 'yesterday', but Jason Statham is the only person who can remember what sausages are, and he keeps desperately trying to show butchers and they just laugh him out of their shops like "mate who wants a condom full of mince??"
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Seriously though imagine how easy it would be to make a version of black mirror to scare medieval guys:
"A crabbe comes forth from clockeworke and pincheth a man"
"A yeoman boileth a potte but it shrieketh at hymme"
"A ghastlye play, acted out by imps upon a flat glasse"
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Just remembered the existence of this fucking *sublime* candid photo of me, in chef's whites, genuinely passed out on the sofa of a mansion after 18 hours working in the kitchen. Gets even better when you clock the terrifying figure in red, lurking in the shadows next to me.
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So at 6am,
@Glitter_brawl
& I are going to start a back to back marathon of the 3 LOTR films (long versions), and I've prepared a 14 course 'meal' to reflect what gets eaten on screen. Dad died a year ago, and this seemed by far the most reasonable way to commemorate that.
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*scientist cradles scotch egg in hands*
*a tiny fist breaks through the crumbs; a scotsman hatches*
*Jurassic park theme swells on bagpipes*
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Idea: The Muppet Horus Heresy, with the only human character being Henry Cavill as the Emperor of Mankind
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Here's the menu, which is based entirely of my rough memory of the key eating scenes in LOTR. Feel free to follow along if you like. LET'S GO
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L O O K S L I K E M E A T ' S B A C K O N T H E M E N U B O Y S
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So it turns out that if you photoshop tapirs' snouts onto pictures of people wearing hoods they instantly become horrific demons
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But the whales crush the monsters in jaws longer than you are tall, gulping down mounds of frigid, ammoniac jelly in a slurry of icy brine and marine snow. They have broken into hell and they have eaten the demons.
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Really enjoyed Shape of Water, but spent ages trying to work out to what extent the water lad was euryhaline. B/c he was implied to live upriver, but needed salt in his water and was happy in the sea. Either way I thought he seemed a lovely bloke and I wish him well.
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A PS to previous whale tweets, with apologies for overshare: this was a recurring meditation during a very long, very tiring and very intense bedside vigil for my mum. Just after I posted the tweet, it finished. Life is beautiful and dreadful, and I'm coming up from my dive now.
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And so they go on. Not because they are brave, or curious, or pioneering - but because evolution has simultaneously damned them to daily katabasis, and given them the monstrous power to overcome it.
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It is never not a good time to contemplate the horrifying immensity of elephant seals
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They can spend ninety minutes down there. Ninety minutes in the gelid, crushing blackness, their every muscle dense as wood and black with myoglobin - a sixty tonne sarcophagus keeping a mammal's brain alive.
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Twitter is a good way to communicate. It's also a rolling list of every problem in the world, obsessively curated & annotated by very clever people with depression.
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We just saw a hobbit scarf a cake onscreen, so it's time to begin breakfast
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It's february 16th, which means
@Glitter_brawl
, our daughter & I are watching all 3 Lord Of The Rings films as a weird memorial to my dad, while eating _every food item shown on screen_. This is
#ThereAndSnackAgain
, and we're in for nearly 50 courses over the next 12 hours...
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After a 72hr induction which at times had the character of a siege,
@Glitter_brawl
today gave birth to our daughter Thalassa. Named after the primordial titaness of the ocean, mother of all sea creatures, she seems calm, undaunted, and hungry. I love her and her mother very much.
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It's my daughter's birthday tomorrow and mine on Tuesday, so today we're having a little party at the community garden. She's dressed as Thalassa, primordial titaness of the sea, and I am - as per her request - "just some lobster". Living the dream tbqh
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And then they fight. They hunt out creatures we can only comprehend through tired references to old horror stories, and they rip them apart. Arms as long as trees lash out as they die, hooked suckers carving scars that will never leave.
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A PS to previous whale tweets, with apologies for overshare: this was a recurring meditation during a very long, very tiring and very intense bedside vigil for my mum. Just after I posted the tweet, it finished. Life is beautiful and dreadful, and I'm coming up from my dive now.
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And then they make their way slowly back into the light. Back to where the sun snakes through the water, and to the sound of birds. And there they roll, grey bodies scored with years and years of scars, nudging and bumping each other.
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For a start, imagine living in a world with no edges - no floor, no ceiling, no walls, and barely ever something large or tangible enough to even bump into. Just water.
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And then, when you need to eat, you raise the back end of your body and you begin swimming down. Just... down. Into a place so prepostrously hostile to airbreathing life that it scares us just to think about.
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In this thread I will be gradually reviewing these flavoured coffees I just found in lidl (which i suspect are basically fart powder), and then comparing each to one of the 12 labours of Hercules.
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My daughter's nursery was stuck without a santa for their christmas party, so they started desperately ringing round dads, to no avail - until they dialled me. And let's face it, I wasn't going to do something like that and not go Full Method.
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Heading out of Lothlorien now, so it's time for some Lembas bread (jacob's butter puffs) with some pesto hummus and grapes because elves I guess
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Here's a fun game for a christmas drive: take turns to think of a shit name for a vape shop (it will *always* exist), then guess what town it's in & google it, awarding 100 points minus miles between guess and actual location. I just placed "Darth Vapour" in Stoke for 100 points.
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It's brace of coneys time, so we are having a brace of (very small) rabbit stews, plus taters cooked three ways - boiled, mashed, and stuck in a stew
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But they just angle their big, battering-ram heads down and plough into it. Until the light vanishes and the temperature plunges and every space inside them crinkles into dense, wet nothing with the pressure.
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Idea for a book called "harry potter and the stone" where he just finds a stone in a dirty yard and uses it to bash in people's windows. no magic or anything. just 800 pages of harry shattering windows and snarling swear words at anyone inside, then running away
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"A winch lifteth not a stone blocke; instead it scowls at a childe"
"A wagonne denieth the name of our Lord"
"A mastiff hunteth not the boar; moreover, they form a dreade pact"
"What yff hattes did revolt against God?"
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We just got married! Also we're at the zoo. There's a peacock walking around. Off the chain.
#WorldCup
#fitfam
#SaturdayMotivation
#spon
#peacocks
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This weekend, Planet Zoo's in-game economy spiralled into a warthog-based hyperinflation nightmare. It'll probably be fixed soon, but in the meantime I absolutely love it:
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Just enjoyed some bacon, field mushroom and thyme-roasted tomato, while the poor hobbits got interrupted from their breakfast by a tense session of Nazgul & Chill
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Today’s a pretty special day to me, and it’s special because of a really good friend. He’s called
@Daniel_Barker
: it’s his birthday today, and it *still* feels odd to type his twitter handle because of what happened on this day four years ago.
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Bacon and mushrooms are on. Just saw peter jackson eating a raw carrot onscreen so better have these
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Goodnight kids, and remember that moonlight is just a perpetual nuclear explosion reflected by a vast stone mirror.
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I already think it's silly that superheroes are all ludicrously ripped by default, but you know where I draw the line? Aquaman. Come on: the guy's an aquatic mammal, for pete's sake. He should be a fucking cylinder and loving it. If it's good enough for dolphins, why not Aquaman?
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I just want 10,000 followers because that's how many orcs saruman had. When it happens I'm gonna give you all a handprint on your foreheads and we'll go off and trash a castle or something
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Oh no, the hobbits have wheeled out yet more bloody cake, we've had to break out a second slice
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I was just reading about the manufacture of marmite and I have come to appreciate it in a whole new light. Join me on this adventure:
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Right, boromir just got sean beaned, frodo is off into mordor, and the fellowship credits are rolling. Now into Two Towers, where we will be enjoying trout a la gollum, plus taters, and a feast of metaphorical orc guts as meat returns to the menu...
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(I love how right after the Stew Incident, Aragorn just sits in the dark, staring hauntedly into the middle distance and smoking until he passes out. I feel you, son of Númenor.)
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And now, an explanation of the characters featured on 2020's warhammer 40k calendar, and their lore. January features Sir Michael Space, the inventor of space, with his loyal pack of pet boulders. Sir Michael has a fist on his kneepad to show how much he loves amateur boxing.
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So
@Glitter_brawl
's work were wheedling her to make a gender reveal cake about our upcoming vertebrate, and so we made this to reveal gender to them:
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The fellowship have paused for some breakfast at the gap of Rohan, and 'probably sausages???' has become a certainty! So glad I remembered this bit.
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"A spoone slideth across a hall unbidden"
"A monk catches glympse of an ape at nyghte"
"A hammer striketh the smyth and yet notte the blade"
"From a man's wounde, hatcheth a dogge"
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After a longish pause, Gimli is tucking into a selection of cheeses, so it would be rude not to follow suit. We are back on the snack train, folks
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This is just an astonishingly good bit of writing in so many ways
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Bit metaphysical, this one - scene 1 of two towers starts with Sam bigging up some salt he brought in case they roast a chicken, so we're having a little taste of rock salt while imagining we're eating this chicken
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I've taken to using the phrase "if wishes were fishes, we'd all be captain birdseye" as if it were a piece of timeless folk wisdom, and I really want it to catch on despite it meaning next to nothing. Please use this phrase on your friends and colleagues today, let's make it real
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We did it for art. Ok, back to the movie. Helm's deep awaits!
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"Contraption" is just a word for a machine u don't respect
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Seeing Christopher Ecclestone open up about his eating disorder was amazing. I've struggled seriously with bulimia for 20 years but I've been intensely secretive about it because I always felt it was a big joke for a man to claim an ED, and I'd just be ridiculed. But here we are!
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Roses are red
Owl wings are silent
Hippos are not
They're massive and violent
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And there we are. After 15 hours and 21 courses, we've been there and back again, and are finishing the way we started at 6am - with cake and tea in the shire.
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Who is the narrator of the song 'the boys are back in town'? Was he formerly one of the boys, until he sustained an injury? Is he one of the townsfolk? Is he some kind of herald, like a debased pastiche of John the Baptist? What is his motivation for spreading the word around?
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Absolutely appalling how they treat these marvellous creatures. Can't believe it hasn't been banned
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My daughter just said her first word.
It was "fish".
Unfortunately she was pointing at a shrimp, so I have failed her as an educator.
(_fish_, though. Im so proud I could take a giant bite out of a car)
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My amazon river triptych setup is finally matured and stocked up! Let's have a peek and see who's at home.
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(That's my artist's impression of a busted open orc with mephis rub ribs and delicious chipolata intestines. Plus pine needle tusks.)
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Purely out of a sake of honour towards the task, I have brewed up this hellish broth of sardine paste and rye crumbs, which we are each going to attenpt a spoonful of before politely tipping it into the garden
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"A man takes onions to market, yet arriveth afore he left."
"Upon drawing ale from a bucket, a miller discovereth it more full yette."
"A yeoman's axe whispereth to hym a number of foule wordes."
"What yff there liveth not one Pope in Holy Rome, but another in Avignon?"
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If the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real, I would use it to forget the existence of animals, then go to a zoo and l o s e m y f u c k i n g m i n d
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The 5 basic conflict narratives:
Man against man
Man against society
Man against nature
Man against self
Scouse Dracula
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"A plowe moveth acrosse a field, but no horse is seene - how can thys be?"
"A cobbler crafteth a new boot for his lorde, yette it pysseth on hym"
"What yff the image of a saint began to laughe with a voyce most cruelle?"
"A worme does speake ille of the Kyng, and he falleth ill"
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Look, it's been years now. Can we just acknowledge that really tall narrow burgers are shite?
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Oh good grief. This is the low point of the endeavour. 6am with banana bread and hot tea feels so long ago. I'm sorry, father.
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I'd held back on any booze until now, but given the reason for the event I think this scene deserves an uncorked bottle. Hail!
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During a workshop w/ the Ravensbourne folks on Monday, one student pitched me a film about Jason Statham trapped in a collapsed coalmine with 2 hallucinations of himself (one trying to help him escape, the other determined for him to die) & I can't stop thinking how ace it sounds
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(And because it wouldn't be LOTR without multiple endings, thanks to everyone who joined in today: my friends, you bow to no one. Dad would be delighted to see just how much meat we've put back on everyone's menu today x)
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We really fancied going out for a burger tonight, so
@Glitter_brawl
suggested I build a drive-through in our kitchen, and that's exactly what I did.
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Named my daughter Thalassa, after the old sea titan, & that bit in Xenophon where all the Greeks roar in relief at the sea. Tonight she got to meet her namesake for the first time since she was tiny, and I taught her to bellow her name at it. She was really loud - I'm dead proud!
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Just reached second half of fellowship, and approaching 'probaby sausages???', according to my notes. (Nb - we are lagging a bit behind the speed of a nonstop marathon due to pauses for kitchen work etc)
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"A sort of rocke, when ground, gives forth flame; a stone thus propelled may strike a hole in the cheste of a manne"
"A goblet begins to aske riddles in the speech of the turks"
"Beloved of its methods, eache home in Christendom buildeth a trebuchet; they are too manye"
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Could you survive a visit to your local pub if you had to fight the thing it was named after?
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Just saw 2 background soldiers in Osgiliath stirring a stew;
@Glitter_brawl
& I gave each other a harrowed look before deciding they were 'just making coffee', and letting the scene play on
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Kind of want to make a LOTR fan film where the hobbits have to arrange a stag do for gollum despite completely hating him
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