Summer Heacock
@Fizzygrrl
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A Disney cartoon that says 'fuck' a lot. Mom. Author. CRASHING THE A-LIST Out now! Agents: @BTaylorBooks & @UweStenderPhD
Themyscira
Joined January 2009
My generation had princesses to look up to. Our daughters have generals.
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7yo son, angry: “This boy kissed a girl on the cheek in class!”. Me: “Did he have her permission?”. Him: “NO.”. Me: “So he didn’t have. ?”. Him: “Her CONSENT.”. Me: “So what he did was?”. Him: “VERY WRONG.”. If my 7yo son gets it, grown ass men have no excuse. Class dismissed.
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So, Liam Nissan discovers Elmo’s burner account, and calls out Elmo talking to, and leg-humping himself, so he bans Liam Nissan?. Elon Musk never misses an opportunity to prove he’s a brittle, little bitch. #FreeLiamNissan.
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Help Twitter plz help. i found a bird dead, floating in the water bin we leave out for our raccoons and it was in there 20+ minutes. the kids begged me to save it. so i put wrapped it up and put it in my shirt for fast warming. an hour later. guys help my tits resurrected a bird.
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I’m curious: Raise your hand if you live with chronic illness/mental illness/periods of illness and someone has accused you of being dramatic/faking/just looking for attention/bringing it on yourself. I see this a LOT but I really want to know how many folks have experienced it.
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Folks. I am about to share the weirdest tale I’ve ever experienced, even by my high bar of weird. A weird 37 years in the making. Buckle up for the STORY TIME OF WHUT.
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11yo daughter and I were just talking about the weird shit girls make our dolls do when we’re little and she said, “Maybe boys are the way they are because they can’t use dolls to act out their weird thoughts and they’re stuck inside them?”
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To be fair, their crop of princesses definitely doesn’t suck.
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oh! since a lot of people asked. the twice resurrected zombie dino bird. was a. Brown Creeper. so for the rest of my life. i can say. I kept a dead creeper on my tits. for 2 days. on purpose
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I was checking it . and it wrapped a foot around my finger. and turned its head a little. what. the fuck. is happening. have my my boobs. created zombie birb?. did my tits start the apocalypse . plz advise.
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like honestly how dare thee birb. after all we have been through. not even a goodbye. or a knowing nod to my boobles
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So. Yeah. Apparently my #NotHeather life should have been #NotHeatherNowButActuallyWasAtOnePointAHeather . The end.
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okay but also. seriously. i so did not have. magical bird resurrecting tits. on my 2021 BINGO card. Thelma and Louise feel mighty
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I did not foresee this bird starting to breathe after an hour. And then start moving. It’s still unconscious on my chest. what the flark do I do now. I was unaware of my magical lifesaving birb boobs. WHAT. DO. I. D O.
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okay just realized. I have. a teeny dinosaur on my boobies
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No, seriously. I’m a bitter bitch about this. An extra hearty FUCK YOU to all the women who literally said they didn’t know why they hated Hillary, but they still wouldn’t vote for her. “She’s just unlikable.”. Y’all can keep fucking off forever and always.
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so uh. it is. okay so it ? ? ? ? . resurrection tits . i mean I guess?. also. HELLO WIDDLE ZOMBIE DINOSAUR. WELCOME BACK. AGAIN?. please don’t kill us we love you
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Omgomgomg we just had a UPS truck and a FedEx truck arrive at the same time and the drivers got out and HUGGED EACH OTHER AND GAVE EACH OTHER A KISS ON THE CHEEK AND LOOKED AO HAPPY TO SEE EACH OTHER and I didn’t know my heart needed that moment but it SO DID.
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Wookit my widdle evolved murder baby. who was deadass not with the living for an hour. my precious miracle prehistoric fren
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1. Who the fuck goes to NY and eats at Chilis?. 2. WHY DOES THAT WOMAN HAVE NO REFLECTION
Busy weekend in NY! Enjoying a quick dinner with the family at @Chilis. Looking forward to getting back to Indiana.
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the next few minutes. was me asking my therapist if she thought. the bird had hope. or if I was once again putting my long ingrained white night issues that cause me to focus solely on saving others and animals because no one saved me in bad situations which yeah im working on.
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Update: 14yo daughter cared for birdy all night but the heating pad shut off. Woke up to dead birdy. :(. But the kids begged me to try boob therapy again. So I spent the morning with a deceased birdy on my boobs. but then.
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bye resurrected-by-tits-twice-baby-dinosaur-murder-baby-zombie-birb. you are a very Good Bird. bye, friend
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Okay, daughter did all kinds of research and set up a recovery home with a special heating pad that can keep the box at the optimal temp for the bird’s recovery. Food and water added later. I miss my little boobie buddy already. Crossing my fingers for morning!
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people need to stop underestimating. the mighty bird. also. to never underestimate my tits. apparently.
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It’s dry and warm and can move it’s wings and tail and reached up and is gripping the paper towel with its precious birdy foot. what do I do for it? It’s still unconscious but how am I supposed to help it??!! what does it need????
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Me, every time I need to shower: “Ugh, I don’t want to shower.”. Me, whilst in the shower: “ALL HAIL THIS AQUATIC VALHALLA OF WARMTH AND SOOTHING CLEANSING PLEASE FORWARD ALL MAIL I NOW LIVE WITHIN THESE MAGICAL TILED WALLS.”. Me, the next day: “Ugh, I don’t want to shower.”.
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but okay also. it feels like it would be perfectly on brand. for my boobies to accidentally . cause the zombie apocalypse.
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HOLY FUCKING FRIGGA ON A FORK. THE SHOEBOX STARTED MAKING NOISE. THEN THE LID STARTED BOUNCING. AND A DETERMINED ZOMBIE DINOSAUR. WAS CLAWING/FLAPPING/FREAKING OUT. I WAS SO SCARED IT WOULD HURT ITSELF. SO I OPENED THE WINDOW AND. WE GOT CATS, GUYS. BIG MF CATS. AND MURDER DOGS.
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I know it’s foot looks less than alive but his little dino feet claws are up there on purpose, heh. Tomorrow, calling the bird sanctuary and/or vet for all the guidance!. Rooting for my baby!.
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uh. by the way. how this started. i asked my daughter to refill bird feeders yesterday. she did a mighty scream. because she had seen the floating dead bird.
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we talked about that . while i put the shirt in my hoodie just in case. but as i pleaded my case. therapist became likewise invested. and so anyway the first 30 minutes of therapy. was her calling out her ideas on how to save it.
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I’m at the movies and this sweet little sir in a Hufflepuff scarf didn’t have enough money on his gift card to buy himself and his 2 brothers sodas, so I paid for all their drinks and snacks and THEIR ADORABLE HAPPY FACES omg. We Puffs gotta stick together.
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I did tell them i’m really happy they are okay. and if they ever die again. they know where to find me. i think he heard me . i hope he did
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i sat down with my laptop . carefully put birdy in my shirt. dead. and laid it comfortably. in my booby infirmary. and then finished therapy. with a frozen dead bird on my tits.
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10yo son begged to take over zombie bird care while in online school because I have a doc appt down the street. does the bird only live whilst. on the actual breasties?
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and that the movements . like wrapping its claws around my finger. and stretching a wing. and turning its head. were just weird things brains do once something is technically brain dead like muscle memory twitches and spasms that control parts of the body.
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oh oh oh my god I am dying. the wildlife rescue just called. and told me that i can bring zombie bird in tomorrow. but that they didn't see my birb. surviving through the night. and i swear. I barely got the words of my zombie dino out. because I was laugh-crying so hard it hurt.
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okay real talk. the wildlife rescue told me this morning. that the bird had likely hit our window. and fell into the water bin. and drowned. and the reason it had never fully woken up. was it had been without air for too long. had severe brain damage. and would die today.
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AND I DON'T. IT WAS JUST. THERE WAS SO MUCH SCREAMING. AND BARKING. AND HISSING. AND CLAWING. AND TIT ZOMBIE FLAPPING. SO I PANICKED AND OPENED THE WINDOW BEHIND ME. AND IT'S JUST WIDE ENOUGH FOR THE SHOEBOX. I TRIED TO SET IT ON THE GROUND. BUT TIT ZOMBIE DINO BIRDS HAVE GOALS.
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8yo son: “I told my gym teacher we shouldn’t play boys vs. girls all the time because patriarchy, and she asked if I knew what that even means so I said ‘Not exactly but when my mom says it she gets real mad!’ so that’s how I know it’s VERY BAD.”. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.
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Here’s the burner/one of the burners, for all the folks asking. Introducing Mr. Dittmann!
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JK Rowling is a Holocaust denier who uses her money and fame to punch down on the vulnerable, and forcibly silence those who accurately described her with vile lawfare. She’s nothing but a cowardly, ghoulish, Holocaust denying bully.
On 13 March I tweeted that JK Rowling “is a Holocaust denier”. That allegation was false and offensive. I have deleted it and apologise to JK Rowling.
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I said I would get it because dead critters sad her. but i had to wait 3 minutes. because i had just logged into therapy on zoom. but i saw through the window. that the bird didn't look long dead. so while the zoom room waited for therapist to join.
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i sat my laptop. on the back of my couch. facing the window. with the sound up high. and the window cracked. and i raced out to get the birdy. was holding it saying i think it might be saved. for a good 5 minutes. while my therapist watched.
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For the first 6 weeks of my life, my name was Heather. And for the next 37 years, people have randomly been calling me Heather.
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an hour later it started to twitch. and well hell you know the rest.
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I’m a stay-at-home-mom and I can confirm that this is utter bullshit. Shop fucking shaming moms for living their lives. It makes you an asshole.
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Oh, oh, the best part!!!. Elon literally called into the Alex Jones podcast, pretending to be the Dittmann person. His attempt to disguise his voice was…unsuccessful, lol.
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@Conquestsbook I’m very literally autistic. I was properly, clinically evaluated, and diagnosed. He wasn’t. Being neurodivergent doesn’t make you a racist piece of shit. Being Elon Musk sure does.
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Well, folks. I’ve been fired from the Midwest Writers Board of Directors for a “betrayal of trust” for telling @sarahhollowell that she’d been referred to as “fat” “huge” and “disgusting” and denied her earned and unanimously voted slot on said Board of Directors. 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
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This half of the bio family spent 3 years looking for me, and the detective they used found the birth certificate I’d had before a new one was issued when my parents took me. And there it was. Heather. HEATHER.
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OH MY GOD. THAT’S MY BOOK. NPR LIKED MY BOOK. AND TWEETED ABOUT IT. ON PURPOSE. I AM SCREAMING.
From a woman who winds up fake-dating a famous actor after a (failed) blackmail attempt to a grad student who spars with the lord of the manor where she's doing research, these romances are sure to keep you laughing.
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Of all the things I’ve learned this weekend, AND THERE HAVE BEEN SOME BIZARRE THINGS, this is by far the most surreal.
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11yo daughter: “Mom, if I start acting like I hate you in a few years, just know it’s the ‘teen’ talking and the real me is inside screaming I LOVE YOU, MOM.”.
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My 12yo daughter found a pair of sweatpants at Target with rainbow stripes down the side and ran through the store glee-screaming, “MOM THEY ARE GAY THEY ARE COMFY AND GAY MY FAVORITE THINGS!” and I’ve honestly never been more proud.
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I. I just. My book is an Amazon book of the month??????. MY BOOK IS AN AMAZON BOOK OF THE MONTH!!!!!!!!. I SCREAM.
Congratulation to @Fizzygrrl! CRASHING THE A-LIST has been selected by @amazonbooks as a one of their romance books of the month! Pick it up on when it's available on July 9th!
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Hey, folks. If you’re reading this Tweet, it means I’ve been admitted to the hospital. My mental health has been. not great for awhile, and with the recent traumas, it’s too much for me to handle on my own, so I’ve sought out help. I’m writing to say this will all be fine.
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Most People reading the #Fauciemails: "Yes, this is all in line with the details he presented to the public.". **Those** folks: "ZOMG TRUMP WAS RIGHT WUHAN HOAX WEAPON DARK MONEY SPACE LASER THE CONSPIRACY IS HERE LIBFUCKS SUCK IT GOTTA PUBLICLY KILL FAUCI NOW TREASON!!!!!!!!"
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I was talking with my mom about the various milestones authors strive for. Like, signing with an agent, holding your book the first time, foreign rights, movie deal, etc. Her: "So it's like a Bucket List? Or your BOOKET List?". And now I will never call it anything but.
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So. Out of NOWHERE, about two weeks ago I got a message on Facebook from someone asking if I’d been put up for adoption in June 1981. Folks: ENTER SUDDEN BIO SISTER AND BROTHERS AND BIO DAD AND y’all it’s been wild.
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So, apparently, on The View today, Sunny Hostin noted similarities to Proud Boys and Hamas. Naturally, MAGA are in a tantrum over it. Self-awareness isn’t a MAGA trait. Willful-ignorance, however, IS.
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I have a birthmark on my knee and my 12yo daughter and I were discussing it. Me: “My mom told me birthmarks were where you were kissed by an angel.”. Her: “I heard it’s how you died, so you probably got stabbed in the knee with a sword.”. Me: 😐. Me: “Two kinds of people.”.
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I asked my husband to pick me up a new phone cord yesterday, and now Amazon is saying "Your featured recommendations" and showing me dozens of phone cords. I never once looked at phone cords online. I asked him to grab one over the phone while he was at Target. O_____O.
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My 16-year-old daughter just came out and slapped a mustache on the TV and I am fucking SCREAMING #StateOfTheUnionAddress #sotu2023
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Actual thing my 12yo daughter just said: “Mom, your hair is cut in that ‘Hi my name is Karen and I’m an anti-vaxxer and I only wear athletic leggings and infinity scarves and I want to speak to your manger RIGHT NOW’ way, but yours is black and pink not dirty blond so it’s okay.”.
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Like two weeks ago, my friend got an alert on her phone that said “Be prepared to meet Jesus outside.” and she completely freaked out thinking the Rapture had begun, but actually it was an Uber Eats alert and I HAVE NOT STOPPED LAUGHING AT THIS.
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You guys, oh my gosh. The photog is sending me samples of the pics we took and this may literally be the best picture ever taken of me.
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So. I’m at the eye doctor. And in their bathroom is a ladder. That goes up to. nowhere. Just blackness. Some kind of hell beast is going to descend down that ladder and I’m too scared to pee. Going to die in here. Help.
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Just just went to her room screaming, “WHY DON’T PEOPLE ENCOURAGE BOYS TO PLAY WITH DOLLS?! I THINK I CRACKED THE CODE!”.
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The preteen girls here in sleepover-mode couldn’t decide on a movie to watch, so I’ve put on Ever After. Because I am wise and they will all thank me later. (They’d better, this movie is a goddamn TREASURE.).
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I WOULD DIE FOR BABY YODA WHO IS ACTUALLY NOT YODA. BUT I WILL PROTECT BABY NOT YODA AT ALL COSTS #TheMandalorian
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For myself, I had a doctor ignore me for YEARS when I was 100 pounds heavier, saying my knee pain was because, “Well. you’re fat.”. When I lost weight, they finally realized I have an autoimmune disease that attacks my joints. I went untreated for years because FAT.
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I'm going to lay out some things about publishing that may get me in trouble, but here we go. You can't properly judge a book based on the marketing it gets. Just because a book is heavily marketed doesn't make it great, and a book that gets no marketing doesn't mean it sucks.
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When I see someone amazing on Twitter, in my mind I’m screaming OMG LET US BE BEST FRIENDS I ADORE YOU, YOU GLORIOUS UNICORN. What I do: *quietly Likes Tweet and scuttles away*.
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I told my stylist to give me a “Captain Marvel queer” haircut and I feel this has been achieved.
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We had the Oscars on during dinner and when Chris Evans helped Regina King up the steps, my husband and I both agreed we’d step aside to let the other marry Chris. This kids approve because either way, they get Captain America as a stepdad.
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Okay, who wants to hear a creepy as fuck story that still has the hairs standing up on the back of my neck in which I demonstrably banished a ghost from my 8yo son’s body last night?.
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I’m trying out a new lipstick and when my 12yo daughter saw me she gasped and said, “YOU LOOK LIKE A CAT THAT WAS TURNED INTO A HUMAN WHO BECAME A WITCH.”. This is now my official brand, thank you.
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A handful of reviews for my first book complained the characters are too profane but they also left glowing reviews for incredibly sweary dude books and I realized what they don’t like is WOMEN who swear so I put 742,000 variations of “fuck” in my new book and high-fived myself.
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Every time a new candidate announces their campaign:. Half my Twitter feed: THIS PERSON IS THE GREATEST HERE’S WHY. The other half: THIS PERSON IS THE ACTUAL WORST HERE’S WHY. And then I realize we have almost 2 years until the election and I am already dead from exhaustion.
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Our second day together, I was like, “OH HEY DO YOU KNOW THE RANDOM BABY NAME????????”. They knew.
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Look, @ChuckWendig is a Good Person. And I mean a real life Good Person. He goes above and beyond for the people in his life, and he does his damndest to use his platform to do the right thing. What’s happening to him is utter bullshit. Brb. Buying duplicates of all his books.
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